What is funny? How can you be funny? Is it a learned behavior or a talent?

It's an age old question. It can be something simple like observations that you happen to notice, and point them out just before your friends realize them, but then they agree... and it turns into some lulz. For example, I used to always laugh at titties when I was a kid. I just thought they were funny when I was 8 or 9 years old. I told some college buddies this and they all agreed and laughed with me. Stupid fucking example, Yes. But an example none the less.

Oh, and before I get too far into this (and this has absolutely nothing to do with this blog btw), do any of you have like a soundtrack song playing in your head when you're walking around and shit? I was thinking about this during my wait at the Dr.'s office this morning. Whenever I get out of my car and start my walk to my classes I have that song by Pusha T "Trouble On My Mind" playing in my head and I feel so hood, and like everyone around me is noticing how hood I carry myself. 

I myself (for the most part) have always had a different way of looking at things. There are a shit ton of things that I think are hilarious, but I won't even bother telling other people. I laugh at least 20 times a day at inappropriate shit that I think is hilarious, but some dickhead will make a thing out of it and make me feel guilty, although 80 percent of most people will laugh undercover (Like at old people riding electric wheelchairs on city sidewalks for instance.) That's the key though. You have to find something that people think is hilarious, but it doesn't make them feel like they are going to hell for laughing at it. That's where the genius of comedy comes into play. 

There are also certain parameters that work for some people and not so much for others. Like it's easier for black people in a lot of cases. They can make fun of us white people and it usually kills, because it's funny and true and we laugh hard. But I dare you to try a joke in reverse on a predominantly black audience. It will get you either boo'd, or worst case, killed. Both options suck. So you have to be very careful there. I try to stick to simple shit. Here are a few things that make me laugh, and I don't think they offend too many people.

I tend to find that Terrorism, the War On Drugs and AIDS is something we all agree on in some capacity. We all (for the most part) agree that these things are either terrible, stupid or really suck...BUT, I think it's funny (at least to me) because my theory is that they are all intertwined. Each can be funny, ironic or plumb fucking stupid. But what I do know is that Terrorists sell drugs. The drugs are sold to drug addicts who eventually become so entwined with said drugs that they start making sex with monkeys and then we have AIDS. It's a perfect triangle. Almost like the slave trade of the 16^th and 17^th century. Oh, it's wrong and easy to diagnose the problem, but it took like 3 centuries to fix that shit. We'll probably never fix any of the above topics, but just a simple realization that they all feed off of each other is funny to me. Probably no one else. Again, that's whats tricky. Is it better to make myself laugh, or you? 

EDIT: I MIGHT BE A TAD WRONG IN THINKING THOSE THINGS DON'T OFFEND PEOPLE. BUT FUCK IT!

I know by now we probably will never stop any of the above (well again, for at least maybe 3 centuries, one day it may happen). Except maybe we could stop AIDS if Magic Johnson would piss in a cup and throw it on people with the Ades. Terrorism is something that has been going on for millenniums. As long as someone disagrees with your religion or way of life, they are gonna bomb the fuck out of you. The War on Drugs though: LOL. That shit will never end. Every generation of kids will try something to make themselves either feel better in a moment, or possibly for longer moments which can sometimes tragically turn into not being able to function without a mind altering substance, however it's a joke in itself how we combat such a war on something that can never truly be stopped. The money and resources we waste to stop people from finding simple pleasures is ridiculous. It's a debate for another day though, it's not funny anymore since I've discussed it too much already. I will just say we should change the phrase "War On Drugs" to "War on shit that isn't making politicians as rich."

OK. so none of this shit is funny. At all. But it's what I was thinking about in my Chemistry Lecture class earlier in the week and again, today in the ER. In order to make the world better, it takes some serious pondering. I'm at a point where I want to contribute to society instead of taking from it. We all need to ponder ways to make this world better. So if we can all come to an agreement on shit that's hilarious to all of us, it's a hell of a good start.

JUST TO ADD A LITTLE HUMOR TO THIS BLOG

Some funny shit, at least for me, are Snakes. I fucking hate snakes. But I love to watch them on TV and shit. I think they are fascinating creatures. To me, snakes and homeless people are just alike. It's so awesome to just observe them in their natural environment or habitat, but you have to be careful and not get too close to them. Because they will fucking bite you. Not all of them are venomous, but they do carry certain bacterias that can give you all kinds of shit, including Hep-C(more so with the vagrants than snakes though). Also, another funny thing about snakes is no matter what kind of snake you see in your yard, if my Aunt Brenda sees it, it's either a fucking Copperhead, Black Mamba or a Water Moccasin. All will kill you. I once found a green grass snake and Aunt Brenda told me I was just asking for it, and it was gonna kill me. But I'm no punk ass punk. I mean I fear snakes, but being from Louisiana I know when a snake will fucking kill me or not, or at the very least swell my arm up so bad it will look like a dead fish on Holly Beach that exploded from being dead for too long in the heat. 

Those things are NASTY and that's what your arm will look like if it gets bit by a God Damn Cobra Kang Snake. 

This is all I have for now. Many of you may have noticed from my facebook posts, I'm going through some philosophical shit in my life. I'm pondering whats most important. I know humor is one of the main elements along with fire, wind and water and some other shit. Oh and Mighty Mighty Math Powers like Team Umizoomi. Family is most important of course. But Mighty Mighty Math Powers can give anything a run for it's fucking money.

So sorry if I didn't make you laugh in this one. But I'm in a phase of thinking. 

I need less stress and more confidence to make you LOL like I want to. And no fucking way I'm touching that shit about that Mexican guy that shot that black kid in a rich neighborhood, like some of you asked me to weigh in on. All I know is if I lived in a rich neighborhood and some black kid was walking around wearing a hoodie, I'd probably ask him what he's listening to on his iPod because I need some new shit for my workout playlist. Sick of the drama invovled in this case. Maybe the kid was a thug. Maybe the Mexican guy was a paranoid racist. Maybe a squirrel likes humping a bullfrog. I don't fucking know. And I don't know shit about this case except that the media is pumping it hard, so I'm gonna stay out of it. I'm a "Do Nothing" type of revolutionist. I just like to watch other people riot. That's just how I get down.

I will just say that I know that guy was wrong. But Neighborhood Watch dudes are usually overzealous nerds. You know, hall monitor types (Especially the ones that stay strapped on the reg to patrol a fucking street not named MLK Blvd.). People shouldn't be shocked that he wanted to shoot someone. Them are some Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry type motherfuckers most times. 

Keeping it realer than your Mexican neighbor wearing some khaki pants, a top flight security of the world hat, a mustard-stained wife-beater with a belt in one hand and a half empty bottle of wild turkey in the other hand looking to bust caps into light skinned black dudes creeping through his spot with a gray hoodie while calling 911 on the reg. 

And I'm gonna stay keeping it the perfect amount of real because my 20 dollars didn't win me shit tonight. Still Broke! 

The Walking Dead Power Rankings (by Mike Hicks of course)

Tonight is the Season 2 Finale. If you aren't excited about watching it, you either have no pulse, or you can't afford cable. CHECK THAT: I know a homeless guy, “West Side Sammi from Sri Lanka” and he still finds a way to stream that shit live to his iPad 1, so no excuses. 

Oh, but before I get started....FUCK HIDDEN CHRONICLES on Facebook. I don't play that shit. I'm so sick of logging in to FB and seeing my “Notifications” and then I get excited and think people give a shit about me and they commented on posts, pictures or sent me comments and it turns out that 17 of them are of you dicks wanting me to play either hidden chronicles or some other lame shit that I'm not feeling. OK. So stop sending me that shit. I won't delete you, but I will probably hate your guts. I'm just too nice to say it to your face. So you'll never know how much of a dickbag I think you are. But not only do I think this, everyone does. I'm just doing you guys a favor, and not saying negative shit to your face. 

OK, enough procrastination and digression. Now for the show......

THE WALKING DEAD: POTENTIAL SURVIVAL %'s

So last week we see Shane continue to be his dickhead self and try to merk Rick for the 3^rd time in less than 1 season. Luckily Rick "Doc Holiday'd" his ass with the knife and Shane died. Kind of. Then he wakes up, bum rushing Rick while we're all thinking Carl might kill his daddy for killing Shane (as he's aiming a gun directly at his daddies head) but thank tha lawd he busts Shanes grape instead. Because he became a zombie, and Karl fucking hates Zombies.

So what brought this on? Why did Shane turn into a walker? Is it air born? Did he use the same knife to stab a walker in the head and then use it to cut his hand to lure more zombies in?

All theories are plausible, but I have my own theory. Here it goes....

I think that everyone that's still alive is infected with the zombie bug. It only takes longer for it to metastasize into certain individuals. So far we've seen the prisoner that got his neck broke by Shane's (overzealous, best friends wife, raping ass), turn pretty quickly with zero bites. So this destroys the theory that Shane was infected by the knife. Since the prisoner had his neck snapped, the rest of his body was shutting down, preparing for death. At this time he was at his weakest and the Z-virus overcame him. Same with Shane, he was stabbed and losing a lot of blood thanks to Rick. As soon as he was gasping for his last breaths, he was weak enough for the Z-virus to overcome him. Other than this, they've had to shoot everyone in the head (including Dales dumb ass)...How in the eff did he not hear that wheezing, loud as shit zombie get the drop on him? Well he died, so Daryl did him a favor and tapped him in the head to end it all. Including not becoming a walker. We know that a lot of people have died, but since they weren't disposed of properly(i.e. Having their grape properly busted after they kicked the bucket) they become zombies.

THIS IS MY THEORY: In episode 6, when the group was at the CDC, Jenner(the guy in charge) whispered something in Ricks ear. Some people speculated that Jenner saw Shane trying to ass rape Lori via video cams in the CDC. Others thought since he made them all take a blood test, that he told Rick that Lori was preggers. Since we've pretty much seen Ricks shock to finding out Lori was pregnant (later in season 2) and he didn't kill Shane just after the CDC mess (for going Ben Roethlisberger on his wife). I'm guessing none of those theories are viable. What I do think happened was that he whispered to Rick that, “We all have the virus, but you, Carl and Daryl don't have it. You guys are immune to it.” Keep in mind, he made everyone take a blood test before entering the CDC, so he knows all of their status's. He even knew that Carol is mildly retarded from her blood test results. Her blood test also showed traces of how fucking much I hate her.

WHY: Well because from the jump, Rick caught a few hot ones from those fugitives him and Shane tried to stop (either just before or during the initial day of the Zombie Apocalypse), he was at his weakest for a few weeks in the hospital and he not only didn't become a zombie, but he overcame it, healed up and found the group. Carl got shot by Otis at the beginning of season 2. He was on his death bed, extremely weak...and he survived Zombie free. Daryl caught one of his own arrows (while out looking for Sophia) that was more than likely poisoned by Zombie blood. Then he took a fucking bath in zombie blood and cut off their ears and shit (while he was hallucinating about his brother Merle calling him a pussy lolz). He's still not infected. So I think for sure those 3 are immune and I'm guessing a few others might be but we won't know til season 3 or 47.

So that's my theory so far. I won't bother making too many further predictions because as we all know there is a graphic novel. It has a lot of spoilers although they've done a good job of steering clear from a lot of the comic strip and adding original characters and stories. For example, I don't think Daryl was even in the graphic novel. With all of that being said, this is my power ranking going into tonight when shit is about to get Really Real son. I will base them on predictions as to who might/should live. And those who will more than likely kiss their ass goodbye. Wrote a song about it, like to hear it? Here it go!!!!

RICK GRIMES: Will not die. He's the hero. This would be like if Michael Jordan died before the 1993 NBA Finals. FUCK THAT! Rick is my hero too. I always pictured myself handling shit just like him when the Zombies take over. I'll be humane, but won't hesitate to bust a grape when a bitch gets out of line. Survival %: 100.00

GLENN: Oh this Asian dude better not die. He's like my cousin at this point. Shit, I even have a legit Asian cousin named Glen. So I'm hoping he'll use his wits and make it out of the massacre. Survival %: 88.8

  

LORI GRIMES: This is what scared me about Rick. Because in the previews I saw this lifeless bloodsucker within 2 feet behind Rick and I was like “NOOOO!!!! Rick, look behind you.” but then I realized Oh, this is only Lori following him. It's actually no zombie at all. I fucking hate this hoe though. She's so fucking retarded. She lets Carl run around the woods with zero supervision and she's constantly giving Shane enough confidence to think she still wants to fuck him. She's the 2^nd most hated fictional character ever....just behind Shane for me. I hope she gets bit on her boobie by a 300 lb behemoth of a dead person and while she's dying, she gives birth to a zombie that looks just like Shane. EFF THIS HOE! Survival %: .007

ANDREA: I used to hate her. Stopped hating her. Hated her again when she was banging Shane. Now I feel like she can contribute to the group if she stops being such a punk ass bitch. I know she can shoot better than any woman(although that's not saying a lot)...but if she fires 10 rounds, she's bound to get lucky and kill maybe 2, possibly 3 walkers. Survival %: 68.95

  

CARL GRIMES: Dude is the prince, although he stays doing retarded shit on the reg. I do think he's immune to the Z-virus so the only way they'll get him is for him to continue to not have any decent parental supervision and they gang bang his ass and rip him to shreds. I doubt that will happen now though since he's become a trigger happy Zombie Killer. Survival %: 99.2

DARYL DIXON: Daryl is my mother fuckin N-word. If I had to pick between hanging out with him or Kenny Powers, I would have to do 10 shots and flip a coin. Only destiny could choose something like this. He's such a bad ass. Tracker, fearless and very smart. I love me some D-Squared(that's what I call him because we gave each other nicknames due to our badassery). But Daryl is also immune to this shit I'm guessing. Add that to his Special Forces like demeanor and he's gonna make it. Survival %: 100.100. If he dies, I quit watching this shit! FACT!

T-DOG: The most racist fucking name ever given to anyone. What a crock of shit. I know the day all of the initial survivors were meeting up Shane asked T-Dog his name and T was like "My name is Terrance” and Shane's racist Georgia ass was like “Oh, u T-Dog, chun.” and T-Dog was like “what the fuck ever, cracka.” He gets the fewest lines, and does the most work. He's like a modern day slave in the Zombie Apocalypse. He reminds me of that guy on Amistad. I like T-Dog though. He keeps it real and does his job better than anyone. I'm really hoping he emerges as a hero in the coming seasons.

Survival %: Not good since he's black, and going off of past horror movies, but if you factor in token black guys I'll give him a 94.5...If he gets killed I'll be mad, but I'll just say that if it comes down to Rick, D-Square or T-Dogg: Audios my African American friend. You will be missed. 

CAROL PELETIER: Die bitch die. You are already a zombie. Except you don't eat humans yet.

Survival %: Hopefully negative fucking million. I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you, but I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happens to you and only you.

MAGGIE GREENE: I love this chick. She's so ride or die for Glenn. I have a bad feeling about her, but she is easily the most likable female at this point. I feel like either her or Glenn will die. I hate to even choose which one I'd rather it be. But if it's her, I'd be the guy to give her a decent Eugoogaly at her funeral because I like her style. Survival %: Fiddy/Fiddy 

EDIT: I picture my wife Melissa being a ride or die chick like Maggie when this shit goes down for real. 

HERSHEL GREENE: I like ole Hersh. I think he's gonna make this run vs the Zombie Bull Rush. I like how he says racist shit, but then makes it sound not racist. It's an art form and it's awesome. Hersh also likes himself some cocktails. My kind of guy. I'll give Hershel an 88.7 survival %. Also, he was mad thuggish in the previews for this last episode when he was all, "The-is is mah Faahm Re-ick, I'll Dahh Heah." ...He's like the Grandpa we've always wanted in the Zombie Apocalypse.

If I left a few out (Mostly Hershel's clan. It's because they don't fucking matter) If they die, you'll be like "Wait, who was that? Oh that wasn't Andrea? Oh, cool. Nevermind." All of his kids will probably die...hopefully except for Maggie.

Can't wait for tonight. Come back tomorrow and see how correct I am. 

Keeping it realer than Dale before he flipped out about how it's inhumane to kill shitheads and then gets ripped in half by a fucking dead guy!

15 Years after Biggie Smalls got killed.....

and still, no one has even been charged. That only leaves one person....

That God Damn Red Herring. 

As some of you can probably imagine, I've been very busy and contained mentally to focusing on things that are important. So much school work that it wears on your sense of humor. You can't really think of anything funny when you're worrying if you might flunk a test. I figured instead of trying to be a comedian I'd just keep it real for this one. So here is the only interesting thing that's happened to me over the past month and a half. It was taking Mariah to Chuck E. Cheese that Saturday of Superbowl weekend. Here it goes.....

This all started with a commercial. Mariah loves Chuck E. Cheese commercials. She gets krunk and starts dancing when she sees them doing their songs. Well I messed around and showed her that video of the Chuck E. Cheese band playing "Love in This Club" by Usher. 

Real Quick: Usher got dumped by Chilli from TLC and then he got plastic surgery and became Ne-Yo.

Anyway I was pretty excited to take my daughter to see this krunk ass band perform. Me myself, I haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese since it was "Showbiz Pizza" in like 1989. I remember it being pretty fun. I used to climb up on the skee-ball tables and drop the balls in the holes with maximum points and get a shit ton of tickets. Also that one machine where the head keeps popping up (I think it's called whack-a-mole) I'd just put my hands over every hole and get another shit ton of tickets.

One time I left Showbiz Pizza with 7,946,825 tickets. I was pretty satisfied about my accomplishment and went to the front to redeem my tickets and win a prize. I kind of figured I was gonna win a Ferrari or Lamborghini, but instead I got a fucking eraser that you can attach to a pencil and some pop rocks. If you wanted to win the Intenda Gameboy, you needed 4billion tickets, so I fell real fucking short. 

So now it's 2012. I was not only feeling nostalgic, but I figured since my baby girl is getting to that stage where she loves to interact with other kids, hear music and play games, this would be the perfect place.

The nightmare started when we first got there. I had to park at a liquor store like 10 blocks from Chuck E. Cheese because it's also located next to a movie theater. At first I thought everyone was going to see that movie "Chronicle" starring Vince Howard from Friday Night Lights. But yeah, I was wrong about that shit too. Turns out every car in that general vicinity was there for Chuck E. Cheese. When we got to the entrance, the line was longer than Studio 54 in 1978. Also, there were at least 17 people standing outside smoking Marlboro Reds. I'm not gonna say what kind of people they were, but it rhymes with umm Bite Bash. On the real, I've been to bars that haven't banned smoking and they smelled less smokey than the outside of Chuck E. Cheese. I then turned to Melissa just to be sure and was like, "So Chuck E. Cheese is a childrens restaurant and not a fuckin night club, correct?" We finally get inside and this bitch that had cross eyes was checking people in. She was looking right at me with one eye, the other eye was looking back at the salad bar. She then proceeds to ask us what we're here for? I was pretty awe-struck by this question. I totally went blank. In the back of my mind, I was thinking,"What the fuck do you think we're here for?" but all that came out was my subtle, polite demeanor and I told her "We're just here to break stuff." in that hilarious Aaron Woods voice ....Since she wasn't listening to us anyway, pretty much what she was doing was asking a rhetorical question apparently, she just yelled at Melissa "OK, go there, pay for your stuff and wait by the balloon for a Manager to seat you." There were 728 kids running and screaming between us and the counter where you pay, and another 1500 umm Bite Bash people walking around, scrounging for coins on the floor. Literally, they looked like broke crack heads that just lost their last rock, and thought if they looked hard enough on the ground, they might find it....but instead of crack rocks, they were looking for 25 Cent coins. I couldn't even believe what I was seeing so just to be sure I stopped and asked a guy “What are you doing?” and he said “Just looking for some coins.” and all I could think to say was “Oh, I feel ya!”

So we go to pay. As we're waiting for this chick to take our order, she got distracted by a fellow co-worker that asked her what time she got off and she had to think about it for a little while before answering. Then she decided since taking orders was part of her job, she finally asked us what we wanted. We ordered 1 pizza, 3 drinks and 2 salads and got some coins. The total was like 87 dollars. I usually don't run bar tabs that high. Then I started understanding why these people were on their knees, dumpster diving for coins. We then waited for approximately 17 more minutes to be seated. When the manager finally got there and escorted us to our seat, I felt almost like I was on death row and being taken down the green mile to the electric chair. It was that fucking depressing. I decided I should probably go to the salad bar since I'm on this old man diet that I used to make fun of my dad for. You know how old people say “You're full of piss and vinegar!” when you are young??? I always wondered why they would say that and where it came from. Apparently it came from eating the salad at Chuck E. Cheese. Because the salad tasted just like umm Piss and Vinegar. 

GAME TIME

I at least had this to look forward too, whoops, I mean Mariah had this to look fwd to. Melissa was like “Don't let Mariah out of your sight, there are a lot of weird people and probably pedophiles here.” I assured her that I had been working out and training very hard for just that reason. So I took Mariah to one of those little race car thingies where you just sit there and the car pretty much bounces up and down and doesn't go anywhere. On her 3^rd or 4^th coin, this gentleman walked up on us and had 3 kids of his own. You could tell he just wanted us to hurry the eff up so his kids could pile in there, but he started making small talk with me. He was like “So do you watch Nascar?” As he said this one sentence, I almost became intoxicated by his breath. It was like he just went into the bathroom and downed an entire supersized bottle of Jack Daniels and then chased it with some Vodka. I was like “Good God man, it's fucking 1:30 pm on a Saturday in a childrens restaurant.” I hope I never have to become that liquored up to hang out with my kids. Anyway, I figured I should be nice and try to carry on a conversation with the guy. I told him “No sir, not a big Nascar fan, but I like watching paint dry.” He kind of chuckled. I then told him my old Go-To joke about “Nascar isn't even a sport, if you take away the car it's just sitting.” and you could tell he wasn't really appreciating my jokes. But I figured I could slip one more in, “Do you know what the hardest thing about being a Nascar fan is? Having to tell your parents that you're fucking your sister.” I don't know why I did this. It was like that time I ran from the crossing guard police. I'm just retarded sometimes. He handled it well, but I could tell that if I didn't get Mariah out of the car asap he was gonna stab me. Good times! I then spent the next hour dropping all of our coins into the “Deal or No Deal” game. I have a magic eye for this shit and I always get the 200 ticket thing. Even at Dave and Busters. So I ran up the tab and got like 44 thousand tickets while we were waiting for the Chuck E. Cheese band to show up. They never fucking did. Thank God Mariah shit her pants and just wanted to go home and take a nap. 

I redeemed those tickets and got a yo-yo. But the light didn't work.

Keeping it realer than that African guy who kidnaps little kids and teaches them how to fight other little African kids.