I'm not sure if I believe my friend Apple anymore. He's only like 68 or 71, it just depends on which day you ask him how old he is, so I'm almost certain he's not senile or anything, but I do think he has a problem with telling the truth. A few weeks ago he told me this young gentleman ingested some bath salts, then he got in the bathtub and gave himself tattoo's with a curling iron, then got out and ran around the street naked until he found a "Bear Cave", then he went in it wanting to kick the Bears ass. Apple then told me this guy was asking if this was a "Black Bear cave or a Grizzly Bear cave?" Because he figures he could take a black bear 1 on 1, but if it's Grizzly Cubs, he wanted to pray about it first. After elaborating about the man's fear of Grizzly Bears but not so much Black Bears, Apple informed me that this particular cave was actually no cave at all, but it was the Wal Marks on Rogers Ave......Where Apple just happened to be doing his 4 hour shift as the Greeter that particular day.
I thought initially this was the most awesome story I've ever been told and I couldn't wait to read about it in the paper or watch it on the local news from a professional point of view, with witness accounts and everything. I thought maybe they'd even quote Apple about his run in with this psycho drug addict. This story never broke though. I later asked Apple why the media never found out about such an encounter and he basically told me that his job is to keep things like this quiet. He said before he got hired at the Wal Marks, they did an extensive background check on him. He's a former Marine and supposedly participated in some Black Recon missions in Viet Nam in the early 60's before the U.S. really got involved. He told me the goal of the Wal Marks is to hire old, brittle looking people to look like greeters, but in actuality they are more like undercover Bouncers or Security. He proceeded to tell me that he doesn't tell me half of the shit that goes on at the front doors of the Wal Marks because he's always taking care of their business and covering it up, so that regular people like you and I aren't afraid to shop there(Although I still am, even knowing that Apple is undercover and protecting all of us).
So anyway, Apple told me all of this while we were in the sauna (And fwiw me and Apple are the only 2 men in this gym apparently, that use the sauna with at least some swimtrunk's or a towel around us) and I didn't even flinch or call bullshit like I wanted to. Then I decided I should tell him a true story that happened to me. It was something I had to get off my chest and only Melissa and like 2 other people know about this, I think I told Justin and Clint(I guess now the cat is officially out of the bag though)....But about 2 and a half weeks ago, on the first Tuesday of this semester I had a night class. Before I go too far into it I just want to say that every effing 1st Tuesday of a new semester sucks for me since I've attended institutions of higher learning. I think this makes like my 8th semester that I've attended somebodies University in my lifetime, and I can remember every 1st Tuesday sucking for me for some reason. Shit, I even did a blog about it last semester. Just everything goes wrong. So that night it was raining cats and dogs. I know people always say that as an expression of sarcasm or whatever, but it literally was fucking raining cats and dogs, on my way to school I had 3 German Shepard's and a poodle land on my car and I think possibly a tabby cat. Real talk. So of course I get to school like 3 minutes before class starts and not one parking spot can be found in the general area of my class. I then have to park like 6 miles away. It's dark, raining and I already know I'm gonna be late. I've parked in this same parking lot several times. Some of you might recall that this was the same parking lot that I crossed the street (not using a city marked cross walk) and got a Jay Walking warning ticket last September. I didn't even know they really gave Jay Walking tickets to people before this, I thought it was just a myth. Well I've made it a point since that day to always use the crosswalk and follow the rules. For the better part of the last 6 years or so, I think I've been a pretty responsible adult and I try to stay in line and follow all the rules, even the little miniscule ones that I don't agree with, like stopping at a red light when no one's coming or not throwing eggs at people, that type of shit. But this particular day I had no choice. I just took off across the street, rain hitting my face, wind blowing hard in my ears, dodging falling dogs and cats and shit and all of a sudden I hear this whistle. Like a whistle the coach blows when you're playing dodgeball in Junior High. I glanced to my left and about 50 or 60 meters away was the same campus cop that looks just like Sgt. Hooks from Police Academy that gave me my warning ticket.
Without hesitating I just took off in a full sprint. About 5 feet into my escape I realized "What the FUCK am I doing? I'm 32 years old, I'm married and have a little kid at home!" This isn't something that someone my age should be doing, but now it was too late. I had already committed and now if I turned back, I would surely get more than a warning ticket. I did the old trick when you're playing manhunt and you have to throw someone off your trail by zig zagging down different trails. I think I went through every building on the campus until I was sure I lost her. In fact, I'm not even 100 percent sure she was chasing me, but just in case she was, I couldn't take any chances. So it basically not only ruined my whole night, but pretty much my whole week. I just kept worrying that maybe she had a good description of me or my vehicle and any day they would come up with some kind of arrest warrant and come take me out of class with her screaming at me "DON'T MOVE, DIRTBAG!" Shit, I'm not even sure what the statute of limitations is for running from a campus cop, but I'll just go ahead and assume she doesn't read my blog and if she does, "It wasn't really me."
After I told Apple this, he just couldn't fathom it. He pretty much called me a liar. After sharing such a heartfelt story with him, I won't lie to you, I was feeling pretty insulted. I mean his story was totally legit but mine was just way too far fetched? Whatever dude. But now I have a new goal. It's hard for me to go to the gym when I'm content with life. I am already married to the love of my life, so I have no females to impress, no bonus clause in my contract to stay in shape and really no motivation to go to the gym anymore other than not having a heart attack when I'm 50. But soon after Apple pretty much shit all over my story, he asked me what my fitness goals were now that I'm getting back into it. I never told him what I was really thinking because he's old and ridiculous. But my fitness goal is pretty much just to work out hard enough so that I could kick Apple's ass if he were ever to try and attack me. When I'm running on the treadmill or swimming laps, I'm pretending that Apple tried to put me in a death grip and I have to bitch slap him in his throat or something, and it gives me that extra swag to run that extra mile or swim that extra lap. And sometimes now that the pain of him thinking I am nothing but a bullshitter has somewhat worn off, I will have to imagine that I'm at the park with Mariah and some child molester tries to kidnap her and I have to not only be able to hawk him down from behind, but I have to be in good enough shape to kick his ass after the chase. So pretty much those are my new fitness goals. Just be able to beat up a 70 year old, or a guy that preys on the little children. I don't want to be able to cage fight or anything, just be able to beat up average people in case me or my family are ever threatened I guess.
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