Whoops, wrong number homey!

My phone is a shit head. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate change, so I've had this same phone since Obama was still attending Harvard and no one knew who Sarah Palin was. I didn't even get a cell phone until like 2002 because my mom bought it for me and made me use it in case of an emergency concerning my dads health and they may have to reach my unreachable ass. That is the only reason I accepted a cell phone. Anyway, it recently started doing hood rat things with it's friends and I don't know or understand why it does this. 

EXAMPLE: I have all my contacts saved, so I'll text my little sister Lexi and when she returns the text it says I have an incoming text from Walgreens. When I call Aaron Woods it clearly says "Aaron Woods" as I'm dialing out. If he returns the call (like a month later), his name is now Ginos Pizza. I have no idea why my phone shits the bed like this. It makes less sense than Tom Benson. It just appears as if it chooses to mix up these random names and numbers without my approval. So yesterday I got to school way too early and I decided to call my business partner Tommy Peek to kill some time. I call him my business partner because it makes us sound professional and more important than you and your friends. So I dial his number (Clearly it says I'm calling Tommy Peek at 1-800-DODOBOY) and the phone rings like 7 times and then I get a voice mail. It's an old lady talking about "uh uh I can't get to the phone, I'm not here, blah blah blah"...I just assume this is Tommy being funny because I've never heard his voice mail and I thought maybe it was something funny he does. Uses an old ladies voice for his answering service. I never once considered the possibility that I did maybe have the wrong number.

So I'm like "Yo, it's Mike, Bitch. Hit me back!" (That is verbatim). It's pretty much my standard operating procedure when I leave a voice mail. I say "Yo", then I say "It's Mike, Bitch." and I'll end it with a "hit me back" or "Get at me", that just varies, but the first 2 lines are guaranteed. This was about 5:00 PM Central time. If you were in New York or Florida it would have been 6pm. If you were in LA it would have been like 3 O'clock. If you were in Arizona I'm not sure what time it would have been because they don't have daylight savings times and shit which is awesome and it makes me want to move there. Anyway, none of this is important, but what is important is I just expected Tommy to call me back later last night.

So around 8 O'clock-ish we're all on facebook like a bunch of fags chatting about how terrible the Saints are etc. I'm actually chatting with Tommy when my phone rings and it says "Tommy Peek" on the caller ID. I decide to answer it, because that's what you do when people call you, unless you happen to be, I don't know, Woods or Scoggs because they don't answer the phone for shit. And Woods has like this Black Crows song they play at strip clubs as his background music while you're waiting on him to NOT answer. So I just pick up and immediately say "What up Broseph Montana, nice of you to finally call me back dick weed." .....Then this old lady is all, "Uh who is this? I got a call from this numba this afta noon."

 

                                      HOLY SHIT! 

It turns out Tommy really wasn't doing the ole "Old Lady answering service trick" after all. Now I'm shook. I have to think fast. Not only did I call this woman a bitch 3 hours prior to this call back, but I just called her a retarded name like Broseph Montana and topped it off by calling her a dick weed. I'm pretty good at thinking on my feet though and I said "Oh, this is Chris. I guess my friend Robbie Garrison must have called you on accident this afternoon. He stole my phone and his middle name is indeed 'Mike' so it makes sense. He's very rude and I apologize on his behalf. He's actually not a bad guy, but sometimes he gets liquored up and gets kind of rowdy and commits to these types of shenanigans. He also hangs out with kids that smokes with cigarettes."

She was actually very sweet about the whole ordeal and said "Oh don't worry about it hun, this happens all the time." And I was like "Tell me about it, Robert is such an alcoholic prick sometimes" and hung up.

I then message Tommy and told him to text me or call me asap, I had to figure this shit out and find out why my phone went full retard again. Well it turns out it wasn't my phones fault at all this time. I never put 2 and 2 together and when Tommy would call or text me, it never actually showed his name, I just recognized the number and mentally assumed it was him. However I did have his other "Wrong" number saved in my contacts. It just so happens that I normally returned the right number call instead and this was the first time I just went to the contacts and called him directly. I know, cool story bro. So anyway, the moral of the story is I'm getting an iPhone in June, finally. I'm also gonna get the Play Station 2 sometime this summer as well. So my phone is half retard and when I go half retard, you will get full retard and it's good times. 

Now I'll leave it at that. I have some reading and arithmetic to study. I've been up all night doing my school studies and since this is a house of learning doctors, I will tell you no more interesting shit that happens to me. That's all you get for now.

Keeping it realer than a Secret Service Agent getting dome for a discount in Cartagena. 
 
One more thing. I guess I can officially announce that we have pretty much started our own comedy troupe. Me and Tommy are Pee Pee Man and Doo Doo Boy. Woods, Garrison and Scoggs are part of our crew. And Mickey Slayer is our token black guy and vice president. We will be launching a web-site in the near future, writing jokes, sketches etc. and as soon as things slow down for most of us, we will have it all put together. We haven't really thought of a name yet although I want to call us "Sons of Dads" because we are in fact sons of dads. It's funny. Because it's true. But it's still in the debating phase. That, and I want to congratulate Tommy and Lacey again on bringing another little son of dad into the world pretty soon. 2012 will be a good and exciting year. Big things are poppin. Little things are not. Umm poppin. 

We aren't so different....You and I.

“Why does my black ass like Take A Bow by Madonna?” – Marquis Johnson

It's time for another racial breakthrough blog. If you hate black or white people, you'll probably like this one. If you don't hate black or white people, you'll probably like this one even more. I will warn you ahead of time, there may be instances where things aren't the proper amount of real. They may get just a little bit too real. Like on a “Real Scale” of (1-10), they'll probably get around a 12.2 instead of the perfect 8.5, which is where I normally like to keep it. Anyway, this all started when one of my best friends on the planet, Marquis Johnson (aka Mickey Slayer) was checking up on me because of my kidney stones. Again. I get these on the reg as all of you know. This all started with a question: “Damn Mike, why do you get these so often?” and my answer: “Because Kidney Stones are racist towards white people like sickle cell is racist towards black people.” Clearly a weak pun and attempt at humor but since Mickey lol'd a bit, this turned into one of our notorious crack fests that we can do for hours.  

A LITTLE BACKGROUND ON MICKEY SLAYER

A lot of you that have been reading my stuff since the myspace days like 7 years ago have seen me talk about him. When I first met Mick in Iraq, I thought he was the most Black, Militant, Malcolm X loving, Kill Whitey type of mother effer that existed. Turns out I was half right, he doesn't love Malcolm X, he's more of a Huey Newton type of guy. 

But I love Mick to death. He's turned out to be one of my realest friends in the world. We used to drink vodka flavored Gatorade and watch Mike Tyson's greatest KO's in my little garage I was living in (that Uday Hussein used to keep his Porsche in....true story), that's how we bonded. By just making fun of everyone on our FOB, cracking jokes while in the gym and having similar tastes in music(country western of course). And generally our friendship turned into 2 consistencies. 1.) We both hated this hall monitor type of nerd we called T-Shirt Patrol (TSP for short). He was the liaison between the military and the contractors and was a real penis head about doing his job. Took it way too serious  because he was always making people tuck in their shirts on the reg and just always shitting on our game. He hated seeing me and Mick together because I was a contractor and he was a soldier, so they knew we could duck certain rules with ease. And he(TSP) thought he was a grade A Karaoke performer, so we'd laugh at him together. Dude couldn't wait to perform "Lean With It Rock With It" every Thursday night. And 2.) We'd stay cracking jokes on each other. Turns out I think this is how I measure all my best friends. The more we can hate on each other, the more I love them....Now on with the story.

So during the course of our conversation we are telling the most current racist jokes we'd heard etc.(oh a good one real quick: This black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender asks him "Where did you get that thing?" and the Parrot yells out 'AFRICA!" whacka whacka) then I decided it would be interesting to ask ourselves questions and see how different we answer them, him being a black guy and of course I'm a pasty white fella. It was kind of the same premise as the Chappelle sketch “Ask a Black Guy” or “How Well Do You Know Black People?” I'll try to keep this as close to the actual script as possible, but I will edit some things because the 12.5 on realness could easily turn into a 77 million and we'd both be whacked out by either the BGF

or the Aryan Brotherhood, respectfully.

WE'LL START EASY:(as well as very cliche')

QUESTION: Did OJ do it?

MICK: OJ wasn't innocent, but Michael Jackson was.

ME: Holy Shit, you're the first black dude ever that said OJ is guilty except for Brian Gumbel . But I disagree. OJ was set up by the mafia for unpaid gambling debts. I got no comments on Michael. I think he was mentally retarded though.Like he had a child's mind. Still sick shit though. I get scared about giving my 2 year old daughter a bath, I for damn sure ain't sleeping with a bunch of adopted children named Apple and Blanket.

MICK: Why did Chris Browns popularity skyrocket after he whipped Rhianna's ass?

ME: What the fuck does that have to do with OJ? And where did that come from?

MICK: You white, and you would have beat her ass too if she made you wreck your Lambo.

ME: You suck at this Q and A shit. Lets try one more....MICK: I'm just sayin, I don't beat women but she is probably like Halle Berry, there's a reason dudes are dumping them and beating the shit out of them. Not that I'd do it.

QUESTION: What cartoons do you let or encourage your daughter to watch?

MICK: No cartoons, just Animal Planet. And NO MOTHER FUCKER, don't say “Why, cuz you're a monkey?”

ME: WOW that was the most preemptive racial defensive strike ever. I guess well played sir, but anyway, you don't like her watching Dora? did you see my tweet yesterday about how ridiculously dumb her and Diego are? Spongebob is a legit mongoloid but he has a higher IQ than Dora sometimes.

MICK: Yeah I saw that shit but No. Because I know 400 Mexicans and none of them act like Dora. That show is a god damn lie.

ME: And she has a HUGE Head. Usually Mexicans have well proportioned heads, like Filipinos, so Dora's head is way too big for her body. Big Head Ted like a mother fucker. That part bothers me. But I let Mariah watch it. I bet you wish they had a “SHENIQUA THE EXPLORER” and it was filmed in Africa instead of South America, hunh?

MICK: Hell Yeah.we need some cultural diversity. ME: But that bitch would get eaten by either a fucking crocodile or hippopotamus. They kill like 40K people a year. Swiper and Boots would get merked first, but Sheniqua wouldn't be far behind. Those African jungles aren't to be fucked with. Oh and they have Lions. Fuck. That. 

QUESTION: When you were a kid, did your black parents buy you the real "play doh", or did they mix up some flour and shit and make you play with that?

MICK: Hell Naw, the play doh was cheaper than the flour. My mom was too cheap to let me play with food.

ME: Weird. I never knew that. I was such a privileged white kid, I would have thought that the toy dough would cost more than the actual dough. Total mind blower. Although the Play Doh would last all of like 35 minutes before it was harder than Tat Lawson or Ron O'neal. Not to mention we'd make fake pizzas and eat that shit. Did black people do that? MICK: No. U stupid. 

QUESTION: Wondering if whites and blacks potty train our kids the same way, how old was your daughter when she learned to go on her own? How hard was it?

MICK: Not hard at all, I just took her with me when I had to go and she picked that shit up pretty easily.

ME: Damn dog, like a month ago Mariah shit herself so bad and hid from me for like 20 minutes because she hates me changing her diapers or something. But then she put her hands in her diaper and painted the wall with her shit, then she came at me and got this mustard colored shit all over my wrist and forearm. It was fucking gross. Do black babies do that shit?

MICK: Why does the white dude always pass the lie detector tests on Maury Povich but the black guys fail?

ME: That has absolutely shit to do with does your baby wipe shit on you, but it's because those lie detector tests are culturally biased. They are set up for black people to tell more lies I think. Because it's a scientific fact y'all are always lying. White people always tell the truth. Even when it's stupid to tell it, we do it anyway. 

MICK: Oh, no my daughter never wiped shit on me. I'd beat her in her ass. White babies are gross. 

QUESTION: What's the whitest thing you've ever done?

ME: I'll go first, I go to school and get an education. And I pay my bills and have good credit. You?

MICK: lol fuck you. Man, I don't know. Wait, Why do my black ass love that song “Take a Bow” by Madonna? Oh and I'm feeling Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

ME: Well who doesn't like both of those songs? That's weak shit. You had to have done some really whiteboy stuff before.

MICK: Ummm... I've done some outlandish shit... And I KNOW some of it was white related, probably with you in Iraq... I just can't remember it. But it was stupid shit like you white people do.

ME: It is kind of gay now that I think about it though that you were a fan of Queen.

MICK: Man, easy with that gay shit. I'm ok talking about this racist shit, but I don't like making fun of gay dudes. Trouble.

ME: No shit. We'll get Tracy fuckin Morgan'd. Shit, I'd rather climb up on a building in Harlem and scream out the N-word than to call a gay dude a “fag” in San Francisco. My survival chances are way higher in Harlem.

MICK: Truth. We can't cross that line.Gay dudes don't play. ME: After Omar from the wire, I never say anything really hurtful about the gays. I used to not be homophobic, I just wasn't comfortable around gays. But Omar made me Homophobic....because now we know Gay dudes will fucking kill you. I have a phobia of being shot in the face with a 12 gauge. 

QUESTION: Oh, I got one. The Tyler Perry Shit. I understand what he does for the black community and it's a very positive thing, but is that the only reason y'all pay to see his shit movies?

MICK: Dog, I don't like Tyler Perry. Dude ain't payin me shit.

ME: Well that's very Uncle Tom-ish of ya playboy. True Story though, Me and Melissa went to see “Act of Valor” that opening weekend about a month ago and the same night that new Tyler Perry movie came out, “Good Deeds” I think it was called. They were showing Act of Valor on 2 screens and it was jam packed at like t minus 45 mins. So I went to get some popcorn after we found our seats and I saw these 5 middle aged black chicks in line in front of me. I knew that Tyler Perry movie just came out and it was showing on the screen next to ours. So I started chatting them up because you know how I do, I have to talk to people just to do it. I love getting reactions and shit. But I was like “So, y'all here to see Act of Valor?” and the oldest black chick was like “What's that about?” and the younger girl said “Naw, we're here to see Good Deeds"....I don't know why I did it, but it just came out of me and I said “Well that's a fucking shocker.” I really didn't want to say it out loud, but it just came out. That inside stereotypical realism is a beast dog, it comes out sometimes. One of the girls had a sense of humor and she was like “you're a man, you don't like chick flicks do you?” and I wanted to say “NO, I just happen to hate anything where a black man dresses up like an old fat black woman since like 1990.” 

 

But I LOL'd it off and was like “Yeah, don't like the chick flicks.”

MICK: How come black dudes calls it “Dick” and white guys calls it “Cock”?

ME: That's absurd. I call it my PP though.

MICK: T-Shirt Patrol calls it his Ding-a-ling. Hate that bitch.

ME: Probably calls it his schlong. or actually refers to it as his tally-whacker. I do know that when he has sex with his wife he turns off all the lights and sticks it through the dickhole in his underwear.

QUESTION: Did you really vote for Obama or did you just already know all the other black people had it taken care of for you?

MICK: Stupid fucking question, you know I voted for Obama. Did you vote for Bush both times?

ME: Nope. Can't spell “BULLSHIT” without a B,U, S and H. Naw, I'm just playing, I voted for him in 2004 so that I wouldn't lose my job. Greed, homeboy. If Bush would have gotten booted, my contract prob would have ended, I wouldn't have met my wife in 05 and I wouldn't be here healing the world with all this racial sensitivity I'm exemplifying. But I won't lie to you Mick, I hate politics. I usually don't vote because I have way better shit to do on those Tuesdays and I hate lines. I wish Abraham Lincoln was running I'd vote for him. He seemed legit. This is also what I love about black people, generally they won't talk about politics except to brag that Obama won, which I can't blame them. Shit, remember when Brent Barry won the slam dunk contest back in like 96. I stayed bragging on the reg about that shit. White Man Did Jump.:BOW:

QUESTION: Why do black girls cut off all their hair so that they can glue on fake hair?

MICK: Because they black. ME: Good answer I guess.

ME: Do you have any questions for me?

MICK: Would you ever let your daughter date a black guy?

ME: I mean, I guess, but I'd prefer she doesn't because y'all are raw as fuck(meaning you) But I'd love for her to date a black guy like my boy K-Knight. He's successful on the reg. But I want her dating some nerdy ass Chinese dude. I mean since we're being honest. Or a rich Jewish lawyer. 

MICK: Why do white girls have flat asses, and why do y'all let your dogs kiss you in your mouth?

ME: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Too Far, homes. Too Far. You just crossed the line you fucking racist bigot.

ME: Oh, I got one more for you, do Black People celebrate Ground Hog Day?

MICK: What the fuck is Groundhog day?

ME: Shit, it's hard to explain, I guess it's just the day after welfare checks are handed out in February, if I had to come up with a definition.

MICK: Oh, then hell yeah, I love Ground Dog day. 

ME: One more for the road: Does your daughter attend a school with a black name? Like Booker T. Washington or some shit?

MICK: Hell naw nigga, my lil girl goes to a catholic school. And she's in gymnastics.

ME: You ole cracker ass cracker. Only white dudes do that shit for their kids.You're breaking too many stereotypes and that's unhealthy. We can't have people thinking Black people do responsible shit.

MICK: Carry on then Wigger. Finish your blog and let me proof read that shit so that James Earl Ray's nephew don't drag my ass behind a fucking ford pinto down here in Mobile. ME: lol, way to open up old wounds, dick.

So I guess it's safe to say we learned a lot from one another. Ultimately black people and white people are the same except black people still run faster, jump higher and dance way better and white people make wiser investments and have better portfolios. Oh, Mick did ask me if I think that all black people look alike and the best I can come up with is that there are like 5 categories of black people as far as looks go. Not all blacks look alike, but for the most part they'll fit into one of these categories 1.) You have the high yellow pretty boy black dudes like Genuine and Usher...Shit, even I think Genuine is sexy.

2.) You have the shorter, stockier ones(sometimes very muscular in most parts of their bodies, although their legs, calf's and ankles look skinnier at least relative to the rest of their body), but still have beer guts with huge necks and muscles in their chest) some of these types will have big ass Mick Jagger lips but big hearts and very likable and nonthreatening personalities. Teddy Bears if you will. Like my other brother from another mother Keith Lawton. Or Khalid El-Amin who was a beastly guard for that UConn National Championship team in 1999. These types generally make good point guards in basketball for some reason. On every playground in America, if you see a black dude built like this, pick him up because he knows how to handle the ball, he'll look to pass first and he'll jack a 3 when needed.

3.) You have those ugly ass Alien looking mother fuckers like Sam Cassell as a prime example. I think Ethiopians generally look like this too. That's a good/safe stereotype for a category 3.

And the 4^th category would be like Mickey Slayer. They blend in real well with about 70% of the rest of the black, male population. So they are the best at robbing banks because the descriptions are way harder to make. “Uhh he was a 5”9” black guy with a black hoodie.” It works both ways for them though. Lots of them make a break, but a lot more of them are doing stretches in Angola because they look like that other dude that robbed the circle K for 28 dollars, Newport's and a quick pick. I like to call this 4th category the "Shit Out Of Luck Category."......because it's hard to separate yourself from the pack.

The 5th category is something new we've been seeing in recent years. It's like a Super Race that's been engineered and it's no secret on any sports message board in America. These guys are built to dominate their respective sports with supreme athleticism and a huge upside (meaning a shit-ton of potential to grow as players) that makes it scary to think how good they may one day be, since most of them are relatively young in pro sports...but they are also becoming more common all across America in the Jr. Highs and High Schools. I call this 5th Category the Super Gingers. Blake Griffin, Jimmy Graham etc. are perfect examples.....

That's about it. Sorry this is too long, but hopefully it won't be incredibly boring for you and you'll learn some Kenny Powers type truth. Bottom line is we have to learn to live together and laugh at each other. We have to get so comfortable with each other and be secure enough in our differences that we don't go around shooting mother fuckers because they dress a certain way that only enhances a stereotype that's more so a cultural thing, and a style or fad is just that. A costume. A costume can say a few things about a person, but it may also hide an identity that you'll grow to love if you give them a chance. It's my personal crusade to see a day almost like MLK where we can all hate and rip on each other and then laugh about it. We have to stop being afraid of people because they have tattoos and earrings, braids or hooded sweatshirts and baggy pants. Chances are, if you get to know them, you'll become best homies like me and some people I could have ended up hating had I judged them on initial appearance and not their character. So go find you a mother fucker that scares you and say something they ain't ready for. Ask them where they got those J's. Ask them if they're feeling that new Lupe Fiasco. Ask them why Black dudes don't wear Wranglers. Maybe you can be the polar bear that breaks the ice....and once all the ice is broken, we can all start being happier and we can worry a little less about how our kids are gonna be living a decade or so from now. TRUTH.

Keeping it Realer than a white guy that might either get 2000 LOL's for a racist blog,or get skull drug like that shitkicker Don Imus. Either way, I hope y'all take it fwiw and try to not only feel me, but follow me.