Whoops, wrong number homey!

My phone is a shit head. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate change, so I've had this same phone since Obama was still attending Harvard and no one knew who Sarah Palin was. I didn't even get a cell phone until like 2002 because my mom bought it for me and made me use it in case of an emergency concerning my dads health and they may have to reach my unreachable ass. That is the only reason I accepted a cell phone. Anyway, it recently started doing hood rat things with it's friends and I don't know or understand why it does this. 

EXAMPLE: I have all my contacts saved, so I'll text my little sister Lexi and when she returns the text it says I have an incoming text from Walgreens. When I call Aaron Woods it clearly says "Aaron Woods" as I'm dialing out. If he returns the call (like a month later), his name is now Ginos Pizza. I have no idea why my phone shits the bed like this. It makes less sense than Tom Benson. It just appears as if it chooses to mix up these random names and numbers without my approval. So yesterday I got to school way too early and I decided to call my business partner Tommy Peek to kill some time. I call him my business partner because it makes us sound professional and more important than you and your friends. So I dial his number (Clearly it says I'm calling Tommy Peek at 1-800-DODOBOY) and the phone rings like 7 times and then I get a voice mail. It's an old lady talking about "uh uh I can't get to the phone, I'm not here, blah blah blah"...I just assume this is Tommy being funny because I've never heard his voice mail and I thought maybe it was something funny he does. Uses an old ladies voice for his answering service. I never once considered the possibility that I did maybe have the wrong number.

So I'm like "Yo, it's Mike, Bitch. Hit me back!" (That is verbatim). It's pretty much my standard operating procedure when I leave a voice mail. I say "Yo", then I say "It's Mike, Bitch." and I'll end it with a "hit me back" or "Get at me", that just varies, but the first 2 lines are guaranteed. This was about 5:00 PM Central time. If you were in New York or Florida it would have been 6pm. If you were in LA it would have been like 3 O'clock. If you were in Arizona I'm not sure what time it would have been because they don't have daylight savings times and shit which is awesome and it makes me want to move there. Anyway, none of this is important, but what is important is I just expected Tommy to call me back later last night.

So around 8 O'clock-ish we're all on facebook like a bunch of fags chatting about how terrible the Saints are etc. I'm actually chatting with Tommy when my phone rings and it says "Tommy Peek" on the caller ID. I decide to answer it, because that's what you do when people call you, unless you happen to be, I don't know, Woods or Scoggs because they don't answer the phone for shit. And Woods has like this Black Crows song they play at strip clubs as his background music while you're waiting on him to NOT answer. So I just pick up and immediately say "What up Broseph Montana, nice of you to finally call me back dick weed." .....Then this old lady is all, "Uh who is this? I got a call from this numba this afta noon."

 

                                      HOLY SHIT! 

It turns out Tommy really wasn't doing the ole "Old Lady answering service trick" after all. Now I'm shook. I have to think fast. Not only did I call this woman a bitch 3 hours prior to this call back, but I just called her a retarded name like Broseph Montana and topped it off by calling her a dick weed. I'm pretty good at thinking on my feet though and I said "Oh, this is Chris. I guess my friend Robbie Garrison must have called you on accident this afternoon. He stole my phone and his middle name is indeed 'Mike' so it makes sense. He's very rude and I apologize on his behalf. He's actually not a bad guy, but sometimes he gets liquored up and gets kind of rowdy and commits to these types of shenanigans. He also hangs out with kids that smokes with cigarettes."

She was actually very sweet about the whole ordeal and said "Oh don't worry about it hun, this happens all the time." And I was like "Tell me about it, Robert is such an alcoholic prick sometimes" and hung up.

I then message Tommy and told him to text me or call me asap, I had to figure this shit out and find out why my phone went full retard again. Well it turns out it wasn't my phones fault at all this time. I never put 2 and 2 together and when Tommy would call or text me, it never actually showed his name, I just recognized the number and mentally assumed it was him. However I did have his other "Wrong" number saved in my contacts. It just so happens that I normally returned the right number call instead and this was the first time I just went to the contacts and called him directly. I know, cool story bro. So anyway, the moral of the story is I'm getting an iPhone in June, finally. I'm also gonna get the Play Station 2 sometime this summer as well. So my phone is half retard and when I go half retard, you will get full retard and it's good times. 

Now I'll leave it at that. I have some reading and arithmetic to study. I've been up all night doing my school studies and since this is a house of learning doctors, I will tell you no more interesting shit that happens to me. That's all you get for now.

Keeping it realer than a Secret Service Agent getting dome for a discount in Cartagena. 
 
One more thing. I guess I can officially announce that we have pretty much started our own comedy troupe. Me and Tommy are Pee Pee Man and Doo Doo Boy. Woods, Garrison and Scoggs are part of our crew. And Mickey Slayer is our token black guy and vice president. We will be launching a web-site in the near future, writing jokes, sketches etc. and as soon as things slow down for most of us, we will have it all put together. We haven't really thought of a name yet although I want to call us "Sons of Dads" because we are in fact sons of dads. It's funny. Because it's true. But it's still in the debating phase. That, and I want to congratulate Tommy and Lacey again on bringing another little son of dad into the world pretty soon. 2012 will be a good and exciting year. Big things are poppin. Little things are not. Umm poppin.