Home girl.
I know some of you probably remember me talking about my friend Apple on here as recently as April. Anyway, in case you don't know Apple, he's either 70 or 90 (he's told me both pretty much) and he dates this 33 year old chick with a big Pee Pee. I know this because he mentions it on the reg while I'm kicking it with him in the sauna after I work out real hard and do everything except my abdominal muscles at the gymnasium. Today Apple was telling me a story about how he flew out to Warshington State (and no, Warshington is not a typo, that is in fact how Apple says it) to meet his 33 year old fiance with the big Pee Pee's parents, and on the way he got searched and harassed by the TSA really hard. So he told me while they were frisking him, he'd just fart on them and say rude things. This is why I kick it so hard with Apple, because he keeps it realer than any of your Grandpa's do. And then he was telling me he loves his girl, but she can't cook because all she does is watch cooking shows and I really felt that.....
Don't mistake what I'm saying because my wife is an excellent cook, but I know a lot of chicks watch these cooking shows (including her) and think they magically become Paula fuckin “hey y'all” Deen. Melissa does in fact watch all these cooking shows. Always. Paula Deen, Paula's best dishes, Giada De Laurentiss and all 85 of her shows including Giada at home, Giada on vacation, Giada in Italy, Giada goes to jail, etc.. all that shit! She watches Dinners, Drive In's and Dives (Oh, true story about that) that dude Guy Fieri, I used to get him mixed up with that other man, Anne Burrell. It took me like 3 years before I could tell them apart. But the trick is that Anne Burrell doesn't have as full of a goatee.
I think my biggest problem with the cooking shows are that they are so sketchy and shady. It's the way they prepare meals, they pretty much just half ass everything. There's really zero proof that they are making a dish that is so exquisite because not only can I not smell it or taste it, it's how they just run through it. They mix it up and then throw something in the oven, but then they'll tell you due to time constraints, I'm just gonna cheat and pull out a dish that was already prepared hours, maybe even days in advance of this taping. It's almost like if you went to see a magician in Vegas, and they asked for a volunteer to cut in 2, but then bring out a midget and tell you, “Well, sorry but we didn't have time to make this one work, so here ya go! But please believe we are still really cutting this other bitch in half, you just won't ever see it.” Then, after they burn you with the already cooked dish, the credits roll and they'll bring out half of their family or friends to share in this glorious set up, while we sit at home wondering if this is really legit. What I mean by “we” is men. Because women fall for this shit hook, line and mother fucking sinker. Not me though.
It's almost the equivalent of me having over like 10-12 neighbors and have them sit down and watch me rush a chocolate pie recipe that I got from Gran, but since I only have 22 minutes after commercials, I'll spend the first 18 minutes cracking eggs, getting dirty and mixing everything. Then I'll put it in the oven, tell them “Oh shit y'all, we done ran out of time, so here's the real chocolate pie I cooked 4 days ago, while that other one cooks.” Then I'll thank them for coming over and get Melissa, Mariah and probably have Red come in and smash the hell out of my chocolate pie, roll some credits and tell the neighbors kick rocks! And with that, here is a picture of a big fucking Frog!
Keeping it realer than your fat uncle Steve who is so ugly, he makes blind kids cry on the reg, but he still don't give a shit and will tell you stories of how he bangs girls err day, err day.
