This one might be a little more serious than usual........

Because I'm taking issue with things that I wish would change and in turn, become more acceptable for all of us.

First, I really don't appreciate the fact that the word "Retard" has been made even more taboo in recent weeks. Like the whole public service announcement about not saying "That's Gay", now that PSA is aimed at not being allowed to say "Retard." People have to understand that there are exceptions to every rule. Everything has a gray area and you have to be able to determine when and where that gray area is. (By the way, I damn near just had a panic attack about not knowing if the color "Gray" is spelled with an A or an E) but.....like me and J-Scoggs were talking about a few weeks ago, some people just don't get "IT!"/ "IT" is pretty much what life is about. It's being able to understand sarcasm. It's being able to laugh at yourself. It's being able to not take life so seriously and learning how to read people. Some people have all the book-smarts in the world, maintain a 4.0 all through High School and College but still water their fake plants and ask questions like "How long is Shark Week?" That's when it's OK to call them "Retarded." You never, ever ever ever laugh publicly or make fun of a person with a debilitating disease or congenital birth defect that makes them mentally slower than the average person on the reg. That's not cool at all, not accepted by anyone with morals, pretty much agreed on by all of society and I'm sure frowned upon by God.
LIKE THIS FELLA....

But when it's someone who knows better, has no excuse but still does very stupid shit, you, nor anyone else should have any problem with calling them any form of retard i.e. "tard", "Fuck-tard", "O-tard", "Saint-tard", "dumb-tard", "douche-tard" etc... also you can be more creative and call them "Waterhead" or "Mongoloid."

The bottom line for me is, if we as a society are at the point now where we can't make fun of our friends with certain insults because a few people get offended too easily, I don't really want to be a part of this society anymore. And as far as I'm concerned, the only people that do have a problem with it, just don't get "IT." People that don't get "IT" might use this as an excuse, "Well I have a family member that's retarded" or "What if you had a retarded son or daughter, would it still be funny to you to use that word?" My answer: Absolutely still funny to use that word, WHEN IT APPLIES TO AN APPROPRIATE CASE! I'm not making fun of your cousin that has down-syndrome and I certainly don't want my next child to have any form of a disability, but none of that changes the fact that when you drink too much and shit your pants in public or something, it's perfectly acceptable to laugh at you and call you a "Mongoloid." Ironically, there are a lot of kids with down-syndrome that understand this better than some over-sensitive people in the world and probably think those people are in fact,"Retarded."

Remember how those Special Olympics cats mobbed up Johnny Knoxville in "The Ringer"??? They call oversensitive dumb people "Tards", FACT!  

Next is something that's way more of an issue to people across the board and it's something that's made the world uncomfortable in a lot of situations that probably didn't even have to be and it's Race. I'm sick of people being offended for being made fun of for their race. I myself, as a white male realize most of us can't dance unless we're gay, we don't run as fast as black people(although again, there are gray areas but generally we don't), we damn sure don't dunk as good as black dudes, even if we're 7 ft tall crackers like Dirk Nowitzki, although it's not real  impressive for anyone taller than 6"9 to dunk really. I'm not mad when I see an unfunny black comedian on Comic View talk in a nerd voice whenever he describes an interaction with a white guy. In fact I'm the opposite of mad because I do appreciate a good stereotype. Stereotypes are the best and purest forms of comedy. A stereotype is pretty much the reason why we have the definition of "Gray Area" because it means certain rules apply to the majority of your group or race but like everything, there are exceptions. Some Asian Women do drive pretty well(My Wife). Some Asians(My Wife) are terrible at math. Some Mexicans hate tacos(although I don't understand why, nor do I actually know any Mexicans that do, but I'm assuming out of all the Mexicans in the world, there has to be one with a shit ton of acid reflux or something). Some Indian people(from India, not South Dakota) don't work at 7-Eleven. Some black guys play basketball like shit.
Like the Dude from "Soul Man"(RACIST MOVIE of the 80's but with a heartfelt message and a very hot Rae Dawn Chong.)

Some white people enjoy malt liquor etc..
The guy on the far left for sure does.... 

But to me, there is nothing funnier than making a simple, obvious observation about something and exploiting the humor in it. Race just happens to be the one thing where this comes into play more than ever. This is why I only surround myself with people that understand racism is hilarious now in 2011. It wasn't funny back in 1964, but now it is pretty funny. The reason it's funny is because if someone is a "True Racist" then they are pretty backwards and can be considered a "Retard".......

.........and we can make fun of them for that. If they aren't racist and they make a racist observation, the people that happen to get "IT" are intelligent enough to not take it too seriously and laugh about it. So now racism is Win/Win. I do know that unfortunately(even now in 2011) some people still actually do try to hold someone down or back because they have a different skin color, but I also try to put as much distance between them and myself as I do people that won't laugh at racism. I have a core group of friends that I consider family more than anything. Out of this core group(most of course are Filipino because that's my family but even if they weren't I'd still love them now like Nate, JR, Glen, Damian and the rest of the cuzzins), I'm very close to a few black dudes(Keith Lawton, Marquis Johnson, Patrick Hodges and JJ Joiner to name a few), an Iraqi(Younan "Jonathan" the Barbarian), a skinny ass Puerto Rican(Adam Martin), a part Colombian dude that's hilarious as hell(Harvey Werner) shit tons of white people like Scoggs, Skin, Driscoll Brothers, Woods, Smitty, Clayboy, J-Self, Nash, Dustin Shidla, Garrison(just naming them because they like to see their name in public and I'm gonna fill a pillowcase full of soap and beat the shit out of Woods and Garrison) and a British guy named Marcus who technically is white, yeah, but very different than me because he's you know, British. The one common denominator with all of us is that I can make fun of any of them at any time for any reason including their race and they will laugh. HARD. I too will also laugh at them for cracking jokes on me because it's all love. This is where we should have evolved in the last 2 decades. The only one that will get offended will probably be Woods because he's very soft like terry cloth. But even then he laughs it off real fast and I think it's just part of our game. We try to make each other feel the shittiest about where we are now in life and how successful we aren't or at least if we're less successful than our best friends. That's what homeboys do. We knock each other hard, but always have each others backs...and pick each other up when we see the joke went too far. Again, it's all love. Like brothers fighting and not mortal enemies. We all need to be more like Danny Williamson, he's like the President of the new world order, dude has more friends of every shape and color than anyone I know. If we all think like Danny Boy, the world will be good by like 2028 or so. And that's another reason why it hurts so bad to lose Trent Vinson because he was a warrior in the fight on "hating people for no reason."

One of the many million reasons I married Melissa is because she gets "IT." She is very understanding and great at not taking herself too seriously. If you aren't like this, than I'm sorry, I can't be your friend and you don't go hard at all. 

Ultimately we all have flaws. That's what we all have in common regardless of race. Embracing those flaws as people and judging a man or woman's character(before looking at the color of their skin) is what allows us to get to the level where we can eventually make fun of someone for the umm color of their skin. Keith used to be so black that he made his black shoes look brown...but now he's gotten much lighter over the years for some reason. I mean he's still black, but not like Wesley Snipes black like he used to seem to be. I think the dream MLK had was about us not only being able to co-exist, but to be able to co-exist and like it. A lot of us are there, some have a long way to go. But I have a dream that one day mine and all of my friends kids will be able to sit at a dinner table together and make fun of each other because of our/their differences and no one will get sand in their vagina because of it. 

 Oh before I go, the funniest joke a black dude ever told me: He asked, "Why can't Stevie Wonder read?" and before I could answer he said "Because he's black." lolz.

I love racism, so lets all racism together. The more we accept how different we are, make jokes about it and not take it too personal, the better chance we have to heal. I'd take a bullet for many men I know of various races. I know for a fact we can all get along. We are the "Tomorrow People!" Love is humor, Love is understanding, Love is acceptance, and Love is making fun of your closest road dogs knowing they won't be butt hurt but come back with a similar joke and in the end it's truthful laughs. That's how we are gonna beat this hate(not the racism, that's funny) but the hate is the problem. Once we realize we are all vulnerable to being made fun of, we can deal with it and learn to love our life by playing the dozens.

Oh and one more thing. I didn't touch on "Homosexuals" too much because I saw where Tracy Morgan got beat the fuck down by the Gay Community a few weeks ago. I have no problem with gays. I admit, I don't understand how a man can be gay and want to be with another, smelly, hairy, guy with a dick(I can see why women are gay though), but I do understand Love, and people can't help who they fall in love with. I will just say that when someone says something remotely negative about gay people, they shouldn't be blacklisted for it. And they also shouldn't be called "Homophobic!" A phobia means you're scared of something. Most people that don't tolerate gay people aren't scared of them, they just don't like them. They may be "Snake-a-phobic", "Hydrophobic" or "Arachnophobic" but I wouldn't call them "homophobic" call them "Homo-hater-ic" or something. That makes way more sense.

Oh but a good time to be "homophobic" would be if you ever got confronted by Omar from the wire. That's a scary ass gay dude. 

Thanks for reading once again. I know this is a little more real than most of y'all are accustomed to, coming from me.....but if we keep it real with ourselves and judge others for the right reasons, your life will be a lot more prosperous. It's 2011. It's time for us to realize we are all in the same boat for the most part. So lets make it right this year. Make a new friend that's a different race, get in cool with them. Then start cracking on them. This is the answer!

Recap On Some Things and Straight Hating.

Watching the first day of shark week last Sunday and somehow I missed this gem from when it originally aired in 2007, but this particular show is called "Shark Feeding Frenzy"(which by the way is the best title ever for trying to get someone to watch your show)....Anyway, Les Stroud's punk ass is hosting it. Damn I really hate this dude. Remember how people used to argue HARD about who was better, him or Bear Grylls?
Well I will almost fight a bitch over that argument. Bear may cheat or whatever by having a camera crew, but at least he's way more interesting. No, I probably wouldn't use his tactics if I was stranded in the Alps, but I certainly don't mind watching him risk his life. That's the whole point though, if you want to learn how to survive, you can check out a book at the library and finish reading it before the due date most likely so you don't owe the city of Fort Smith like 200 dollars for a book you checked out to do a research paper on William Wallace then changed your mind and did it on Albert Pike instead and totally forgot about it....but yeah, that's pretty much like watching Les Stroud. It's literally like watching a book. I mean imagine your TV having a book on the screen and a guy reading it to you, "Umm, I'm gonna sit here and conserve my energy. Watch me catch this fish. Watch me cook this fish. Watch me eat this fish. Watch me lay here and complain about the mosquito's and cry about how I can't sleep tonight because it's too cold". Well FUCK YOU LES STROUD! You bore the living horse fuck out of me and it makes me very agitated and I start playing that game with the knife where you try to miss all your fingers but might accidentally cut one off like dude in Hangover 2.
Plus Les Stroud looks like he has terrible hygiene, doesn't brush his teeth for days, doesn't wash his hands after taking a shit etc.(and it's OK to not wash your hands after you piss if you're a man, because your penis probably isn't as dirty as the public restroom sink and then you have to touch the blower thing and take 45 minutes to blow the water off your hands. No bueno. Waste of time. As long as you don't get actual urine on your hands, you're good.)

Well this show "Shark Feeding Frenzy" had a segment that made Les Stroud not as boring as usual. He did this experiment where he drained his own blood and then drained the blood of a tuna fish, put them both on a dummy(Les Stroud himself could have just played the dummy and it wouldn't have been a stretch), and set them afloat. Well just so you know, the Shark went hard on Les Strouds' blood and ignored the fish blood. That blows that theory all to hell that Sharks don't want to kill you. They actually would rather kill you than anything else in the sea. People are like the Lobster for Sharks. It's a rarity unless someone else is paying for it or it just falls into your lap(for instance this crack head in Cleveland tried to sell me a lobster outside of Giant Eagle one time).

But yeah, you are like Lobster for sharks. The good lobster too, not that shit they served in the D-FAC at Camp Liberty. This is what you look like to a shark whenever you are swimming.

Be aware of that at all times when you're swimming in Destin or especially in Australia where sharks are way harder than sharks in America(comparatively speaking the Sharks in Australia are like the Rolling 60's in Compton during the mid-80's when they were merking everyone for wearing red, and the Sharks in America are like those white dudes in your junior high that talked like they were black and wore G-Nikes but bitched up when they saw a black dude).
AUSTRALIAN SHARKS!

and AMERICAN SHARKS!

That's whats up though. Sharks are really stalking you, it's not an accident or a mistake. I probably can't stress this enough to you and I've been preaching it for years.

While we're on current events, the white house is shitting the bed again with our finances(and in other news, water is fucking wet). I also want to admit that I'm completely ignorant on the debt crisis in America. I know for years our National debt has been in the trillions of dollars, we owe China most of it and if you stacked the amount of dollar bills that equaled our National debt, it would go to the moon and back etc... People from all walks of life(Mostly Rich People or Teachers though) have tried to explain how the debt thing works to me and I just never seem to comprehend it. I've always felt like we are America, why the fuck do we owe anybody anything? Why can't we just invent more currency. Like why can't we just tell China "Bitch, you owe us for letting you have a country." I feel like America is Tony Soprano and everyone else is like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
THIS TIME AMERICA WINS(not in sharks but other shit)
AMERICA

EVERYONE ELSE

If Tony Soprano needed a dime bag of weed and Shaggy gave it to him, do you really think Tony would pay? What Tony Soprano would do is get in Shaggy's personal space, real calm like and start breathing real heavy like my dad does when he's eating ice cream, and he'd just give him that look and BOOM. Nothing. Shaggy would just know that he's not getting this money, homes. Well that's how I feel about America and our national debt. I don't understand why we can't be the best country in the world instead of the most broke country in the world where the poor people get more poor. Used to be our poor people still had it better than some rich people in other countries but you can't feed me that bullshit anymore. I know for a fact that we're vastly lowering ourselves to the same level of all the shit countries around the world, and before too long we will be like Cuba if we keep letting these bitches punk us for our monies. I don't know. I'm not an economics expert by any stretch of the imagination and even if I was I still probably wouldn't be able to understand how WE are in debt to ANYONE.

To sum it up, Bear > Les. "Shark Feeding Frenzy" is one hell of a cool name for a show. Who wouldn't want to watch Sharks in a frenzy(although it was false advertisement because not one "frenzy" was shown). I owe a shit ton of money to the local library that they will never get(like how other countries shouldn't get paid by America). Fuck Les Stroud. As long as your dick isn't dirty, you can take a quick piss and not wash your hands and it's legit. Sharks still hate you as a person, but love the way you taste. You are a lobster. Rolling 60's went hard in the 80's. White dudes that wanted to be rolling 60's didn't. Oh, but please believe I had me some G-Nikes in 94 through like 97.

Fuck everyone that thinks we owe them money. Tony Soprano has respiratory issues. So does Pops.  Tony doesn't fear Shaggy. Rich people understand economics better than poor people. Don't want to be Cuba. When I hear that song "Fastlane" by Eminem and Royce Da 5'9 it makes me want to pistol whip ur Grandma. Sign up for this site, subscribe to me. Comment. Also get on Google plus. And do it. Do it.

Going Hard On a Friday Night lolz

2 Things before I get this started, 1.) Yeah, definitely an old man/loser writing a blog at like 11:42 on a Friday night and 2.) This is my 2nd attempt at posting something on this site..if this doesn't go down proper, I'm done son.

So anyway, I'm doing this blog thing at the request of all 4 of you that say I should. I also will admit I love to hear people give me props when I say something funny or a tad bit creative. Ironically, that's why I don't write these anymore. On Myspace it was so much easier to feed your ego, because it would tell you how many people read it and they might even give you kudos. But even if they didn't, you had at least some kind of idea of how many people read your stuff. That's pretty much the one thing that Myspace edged out Facebook on, was the blogging thing. Even though Myspace is now pretty much the "Black Mall" of the internet with a Target at one end, like 2 restaurants and a CV's at the other end and 77 vacant stores in the middle.....they still went pretty HARD if you were into writing blogs and feeding your ego. I'm gonna have to slide off here for a minute or digress if you will, I know there have been several million comparisons already made on the intrawebz of the social networks, but I will break it down for all the people I know and love around the world that might read this...
OK, FOR LEESVILLE: Facebook = Stage, Google Plus = I don't know, lets just say Hibbet's Sports for now, and Myspace = Shit, I haven't been to LV in a minute but I'm gonna say Piggly Wiggly(hoping they are still out of business and haven't made a comeback..and why? Because I used to love Piggly Wiggly more than anything and would even tell people from other towns in the area that "you don't even have a Pig Wig bitch!"..but now it's gone. So there's the connection).

FOR CLEVELAND: Facebook = South Park Mall, Google Plus = Crocker Park and Myspace is probably Parmatown. Anyhow, I'll go ahead and wrap this paragraph up and say "I said all that to say this"......I stopped writing blogs because it's damn near impossible to be creative anymore, everything has been thought of and I strongly fear the one thing I have left going for me(hair gone, body gone) so my wits, may be lacking and I don't know if I can face that type of failure. So basically it just took me 47 minutes to explain to the reader that I'm very insecure and Myspace was good times in 2004-06 or 07 in case I lost you.

So that brings me to Shark Week. July 31st marks the beginning of another week where we annually honor natures(arguably) most vicious, conniving predator on the planet. And No, not Ben Roethlisberger stupid, I said "shark week". Anyway, I've always admired them. Even at a young age when I was watching "Jaws" I would imagine how I'd manhandle him with my superior strength and intellect, but how most people probably couldn't if he were to attack you. So in honor of all sharks and this coming week, I've put together a few facts (thanks to my friends over at the Discovery network that I hope to one day work for once I get my British accent down a little better) that you might not know.

FACT 1: You can not out-swim a shark. Sharks can swim anywhere from 22-28 MPH or if you are in Europe, like roughly 35 kilometers per hour. So if you are ever in a situation where a shark is chasing you, you might as well just accept the fact that you can't beat him, but hopefully you can beat the guy or girl swimming next to you.

FACT 2: As sensational as shark attacks are in newspaper headlines, the reality is that you're more likely to be bitten by another person than a shark. I would love to argue this, but really I can't since I've been bitten at least 4 times by humans and never a shark. So, FUCK! that certainly takes a bit of the "killer" myth away and does nothing to help me portray this awesomely, beautiful predator.

FACT 3: I was thinking about trying to write this blog without any cursing so that I wouldn't insult any of my 7 or 8 readers and also since I have a daughter and I don't plan on ever letting her know I cuss or did anything bad(and now it's probably on permanent record). But the truth of the matter is, I write like I think and I want to keep it 100 percent real with you. Some people keep it too real. Some people don't keep it real enough. But Mike Hicks keeps it just the perfect amount of real for your ass.

FACT 4: Overfishing can have a dangerous effect on sharks. The whale shark, for example, has to live to be 30 years old before it can reproduce, and its life span lasts betwe...blah blah fucking blobbity blah. That's boring shit. People don't want to know this. So I'll just say that the more you fish, the better the chances are that a shark might jump in your boat and kill the living shit out of you.

FACT 5: From 1580 to 2007, there were a reported 64 fatal Great White shark attacks. That's right, because the other 44 million people that got assassinated by the Great White shark during that time, were alone and too dead to report that the Great White killed them. So these numbers "statistically speaking", are way the fuck off.

FACT 6: Skipping "6" because it's not a lucky number. Really it's the exact opposite of lucky, so yeah...

FACT 7: I saw a shark one time when I was smoking weed with this dude named "Ernie" in Costa Rica. But then I realized I wasn't even near any water and it was just a fat ass guy with a terrible grill. But I mean, if you were swimming with him and it was dark, it would be hard for any of us to know the difference, to be honest.
ERNIE-->

FACT 8: A common myth is that sharks don't attack in the middle of the day. And that may be true — but it's likely because most beach-goers get out of the water to rest or eat at lunchtime, so there aren't as many people around to cross paths with sharks. Sharks don't follow the same three meals-a-day eating schedule as humans, they eat when they find food, no matter what time it is. LOL this is just hilarious to me because I literally copy and pasted this fact from the Discovery Channel's web-site and didn't add anything to it, but after reading it to myself, it sounds like something I'd probably say and not even be serious.

So yeah. Sharks really are pretty dangerous creatures. The funniest thing about sharks though is that when people get attacked by them and they don't die, they always blame themselves instead of the shark. They're all "Oh, it thought I was a baby seal, if it knew I was a human it wouldn't have eaten my right leg, plus I shouldn't have been flopping my arms and legs around in the water, so totally My Bad!"...Such horse shit on so many levels. One, it didn't care who or what you were, you can lie to yourself all you want, but they like killing people just as much as they do umm not people. Also you kind of have to flop your arms and legs around if you want to swim in the fucking ocean with gigantic waves tossing you around like a rag doll. So please stop blaming yourself and try to show some respect to the most masterful, crafty and amazing killers in the world. Don't act like it was a mistake. Sharks don't make mistakes. That's Fact number 9.

DISCLAIMER: OK, so Ernie wasn't really the dude's name in Costa Rica. I honestly never really got his name, but he just walked up on Trent one day and called him Ernie, so we figured we'd call him Ernie back. Also, this is just a warm up, I will come way harder in the future. Unless of course this one is good, then I probably won't. But if it's shitty, I'll do better next time lolz. 

One more thing: I wanted desperately to work this picture in, but since nothing remotely similar came up as far as topics go, I still want to post it.....

 

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