Probably The Most Awesome Movie Ever Made. Ever!

OK, I wrote this last summer(2010) and posted it under "notes" on facebook. Not sure it got many views since it was on FB, but because of that and the fact that I read some gossip on a part 2 that's currently in the works (and I'm super krunk about that), I decided to repost this. Also keep in mind that I wrote this before it came out at the theater or even on bootleg(as far as I was aware of), so it's not 1 thousand percent accurate as far as the script goes, it was just my predictions which weren't all that far off. But I mean, you don't have to be Mrs. Cleo to predict the premise of an action movie, even if there is really no trailer other than the names of the guys that were gonna be in it. Here it goes......

(Before reading this, click on the video and play this krunk ass music while you read my krunk ass shit!)

It's no secret to anyone that knows Mike Hicks, that I've been waiting for this movie since I heard it got green lit like 3 summers ago. Here is just my little synopsis/predictions and the reason why everyone else should go see this and love it as much as I do.

Basically they(the writers, namely Sylvester Stallone) want us to believe a bunch of Blackwater type Mercs are about to involve themselves in a mission that isn't really worth the $130K they pay you every 4 months with 30 days paid leave. But I see it like this: It's Stallone, Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Terry "Cheeseburger Eddy" Crews and Mickey Rourke on the same squad vs 80,000 Cocaine induced South Americans led by Eric Roberts, Stone Cold Steve Austin and I'm thinking a defective Dolph Lundgren.....so clearly Eric Roberts and his South Americans are outnumbered.
 
SO NOW FOR A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE EXPENDABLES
The Leader: Barney "Schizo" Ross(played by Stallone)

lolz, remember that Brisk Commercial?

Anyway, I digress. Barney Ross aka The Schizo, is a veteran Expendable and leader of the team. Barney was trained in hand-to-hand combat and has extensive special weapons training. For Ross every mission is the last mission,... till the next mission. So we know he's a great boxer, I saw him fight a few times and beat up Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, Tommy "The Machine" Gun and took Mason "The Line" Dixon to the limit in arguably one of the greatest boxing matches in the history of umm Boxing. Dude can fight, there is no question. He also got pissed off by a few backwoods Sheriff deputies and took out the whole fucking police force along with the Washington Army National Guard while armed only with a navy dive knife and a rope. And then in order to be freed from that little travesty he wiped out what was left of the Viet Cong in the mid 80's and rescued some POW's that our Government had all but given up on. So yeah, he's got some combat experience I'd say.

The Backup/2nd in Command: Lee Christmas

Not to be confused with Lloyd Christmas(another bad ass in his own right)

So anyway, Lee Christmas played by Jason Statham is former SAS(You know the baddest the British have to offer outside of Austin Powers maybe) and some kind of savant with blades, knives or anything sharp(Basically he's a fucking Ninja). Seems to have a good although very competitive relationship with Barney Schizo, and I'm sure he's one hell of a driver. So he brings a lot to the table...excellent driving skills, he'll kick your ass with a samurai sword. He's probably good at surviving crazy shit like Bear Grylls(I mean he can probably scale a glacier bare footed while using his shoe strings as a safety harness) and you already know he has a cool accent. No matter what British dudes say, it sounds cool as hell when they say it. They could say "I have explosive diarrhea" and it's gonna sound very gentleman like and impressive.


The number 3 guy is Yin Yang (Played by Jet Li)

OK, WOW! what kind of racist shit is that? they could have came with a much better Asian name than that in my opinion, but whatever. What would make it funnier though is if he had a twin and they both screamed random loud shit all the time as they sipped crunk juice from a "Pimp" sippy cup.

So "Yang" is a master at close quarter combat. They really give no other back history other than that, but I'd imagine he's some kind of Chinese spook or former special agent that made friends with these guys for making fun of his size or lack there of. Also note, he's probably the one cast member that didn't juice up prior to shooting.

Now I'm very excited to see Randy Couture in his first major role in a big box office movie. He plays "Toll Road." Uh wait, oh yeah never mind, I got that right. His fucking name is actually "Toll Road." That's not real original and kind of a rip off of GI JOE's "Road Block." But I guess on the flip side if you were in a bar and a guy spilled a drink on you and then told you his name was "Toll Road" I'm not so sure I'd want to try whipping his ass or anything. Just Because! His name is Toll Road.

Me: Umm Bitch I'm gonna kick your ass!
Toll Road: Oh Yeah? Well my name is Toll Road!
Me: Oh shit, never mind. My apologies. Can I buy you an apple martini and call it even?

 

Now last but certainly not even close to being least!

Hale Caesar: Played by none other than Terry Crews. Probably better known for his roles as Damien OG Triple OG in Friday 3(and instead of calling it "The Friday After Next", they should have called it "Friday: Not This Shit Again!" Besides Terry Crews, the Holy Moly donut guy was the only redeeming factor in that movie.

DAMIAN OG TRIPLE OG......

But perhaps my favorite role ever...
CHEESEBURGER EDDY

Anyhow, Terry Crews basically plays Stallone's longtime friend "Hale Caesar"(arguably the coolest name ever) who is some kind of expert in long barrel weapons. He seems to be the most loyal to Stallone's character and does whatever is asked of him. Terry Crews easily has the best character name ever "Hale Caesar"....that's just so freaking cool. I really don't even need to elaborate or make up a scenario on how cool that name would be while used in a sentence. You pretty much just don't fuck with a gentleman named "Hale Caesar" especially when he's like a 6'3" 240 lbs of a solid muscle having black guy. 

Also, Mickey Rourke is featured and plays "Tool" and seems to be the black market guy that can get his hands on any kind of weapon and intel as well. He seems to be a real veteran of the group and is more administrative, logistical and relied on for his wisdom and advice. Oh, and apparently he gives tattoo's. 

What a "Tool" lolzzzzz

NOW FOR THE BAD GUYS!

David Zayas, the guy that played Enrique Morales on "Oz" plays General Garza.

A guy that clearly has no idea how fucking bad ass the Expendables are. This would be like Jimmy from South Park picking a fight with Brock Lesnar.  

So a mysterious church in the form of Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwartzaeneasgesazzxpger(sp) offers Barney "The Schizo" Ross and his men a job no one else would take. Well of course not, no one else is as bad ass and has a 74 lb nut sack like Stallone and his band of Expendables. Well Barney and his men embark on what appears to be a routine mission(LOL, yeah right, that would make for a great action movie) to overthrow General Garza(dude from Oz) the murderous, Pablo Escobar like dictator of the small island country of Vilena.
"Relax guy, he's not that bad!"

On a Recon mission to Vilena, Barney meets his contact, a female freedom fighter named Sandra.
SANDRA... 

Well of course she has to be hot, not some local Booger like most female freedom fighters I've seen in my day that can just give out info/intel and move on back to their village.

Turns out Sandra is a local freedom fighter with a dark secret. The Expendables also come to learn who their true enemy is. Wait for it.............

Rogue Ex-CIA Operative Eric Roberts lulz. Who really hasn't kicked much ass in a long fucking time. And his performance in "Best of the Best" was whack at best. I was like 10 when Best of the Best came out and I know I could have Tae Kwon Do'd the shit out of him then, he never impressed me. The Pony Tail was bitch made and it's hard to take a movie seriously where Chris Penn is one of the best martial artists in the United States(and he wears an effing Cowboy Hat). 

BUT, along with Eric Roberts bitch ass he happens to have a pretty bad ass Ace up his sleeve in the form of henchman "Dan Paine" aka STONE COLD STEVE MOTHER FUCKIN AUSTIN!

I once watched him beat down Brock Lesnar so bad that I forgot what I was watching.

I mean there are certain moments in your life when you witness an ass whoopin so great, you forget what you just saw. It's like some kind of ass kicking paradox and it's so startling that your jaw drops, you go deaf and blind for a minute or two, and then you shit your pants. Then 2 minutes later you come back to yourself and you're all like "WTF just happened and why do I have shit in my boxers?" Besides this one isolated incident, I've only seen something similar one other time when Joey Kovar from the Real World Hollywood beat the fuck out of that heavy bag......

 
Anyway, apparently shit goes totally wrong and Stone Cold gives Stallone and his crew the Paradox shits, like I described earlier. 


So Rambo and the Transporter leave the hot contact(Sandra) behind, pretty much leaving her fucked up worse than Whitney Houston and she's probably gonna be killed. Now, in a sudden sense of Good Guy-ism, Barney convinces his squad of Mercs to return to Vilena. Recoil, reload and re-fuck-up General Garza and Eric the Bitch Roberts to finish the job he started and perhaps in his own mind, save his own soul. Oh, but he's definitely not gonna be trying to fuck Sandra or anything after he saves her. This is strictly about morals and he would have done the same thing for these chicks! 

THE POSSIBLE NEGATIVES OF THIS MOVIE.....

It's missing Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Jackie Chan, Steven Seagal, The Rock, John Cena, Hulk Hogan, Shaq(from his Shaq-Fu and "Steel" days of course) not his shitty, can't rebound and misses lay-ups Cleveland Cavalier days. Or else it would have had pretty much every action star of the last 45 years. 

SOME AWESOME AND HILARIOUS TRIVIA:

Jean Claude Van Damme was offered a role, but he turned it down claiming that there was no substance in the character. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL because Van Damme was an Oscar performing actor with the utmost acting integrity. This role was clearly beneath him. Ha Ha, that's awesome! 

I will end by saying this........

Sylvester Stallone's character Barney "The Schizo" Ross has what might be the best quote EVER, in any movie by saying, "We are the shadows, the smoke in your eyes, the ghosts that hide in the night.".....This quote alone makes me want to run like 70 miles, do 9 million push-ups and immediately go and enlist in the Israeli Mossad, then pistol whip your Grandma with a cell phone. Right now I can barely walk because my back is hurting so bad, but hearing that quote makes me want to go dunk a basketball on these little Mexican kids down the street and then tell them "I am the shadow, the smoke in your eyes and the ghost that hides in the night!" and then light up a cigar, toss the match and walk away in slow motion with the theme song from "The Last of the Mohicans" playing in the background of my mind.

NOTE:  I left out pictures and a lot of information on Dolph Lundgren because I've honestly hated his guts since he killed Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. I hope he gets killed real hard in this movie by Sylvester Stallone. Again. And after he kills him I hope he says some really cool one liner shit..... like maybe he'll cut off his head with a butter knife and he'll say "Never lose your head in a combat situation" in his semi punchy, New Jersey voice. That would rule!

 

SPOILERS: There are thousands of them...........

And they are pissed!

Saturday night while LSU was focus ass whooping Oregon, during one of the commercials I was looking at the guide on the TV and noticed on one of the showtime channels there was this movie called "Piranha." Well pretty much I was already sold, I didn't even need to read the description or anything, I've never heard of it, never seen a preview and didn't even know who was in it, but with a name like "Piranha" it was a given that I would probably love it. So I hit the record button and ended up watching it last night. I must warn you now, this will contain Spoilers so if you plan on watching this awesome movie and haven't seen it yet, you should probably watch it first, then come back and read this afterwards. And for those of you that aren't sold on just the name like I was, here are a few particulars that might just put the cherry on top for you. 

Piranha. 2010 rated R for strong language, violence, gore and a shit ton of titties.
Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry "Says Bro A Lot" O'Connell, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd and probably most importantly the hero of the movie, the guy that played Derek in "Stepbrothers." 

So it begins with Richard Dreyfuss out fishing in a little john boat in Lake Victoria in Arizona. It's like the eve of Spring Break of course and all of a sudden there is this rumble. Turns out there is this earthquake happening that is very soft like terry cloth, maybe even softer than the one that hit D.C. like 2 weeks ago. But there is this ancient underwater volcano or something(I'm not a fucking geologist so just bare with me) and it opens up, causing a whirlpool right where Richard Dreyfuss happens to be fishing. He's like "Oh Shit, what is happening?" and his boat is just spinning around like he is in a toilet that just got flushed. 

While all of this is going on, the camera veers to the bottom of the lake and you see all these fish swimming the opposite direction of the whirlpool and they are all making these noises like the Gremlins make when they eat after midnight. Then Dreyfuss falls in the water and within seconds he is being attacked by these ancient piranhas. At first he's like "Owe, ooh, ouch." But then it gets progressively stronger and before you know it, all of his skin and muscle tissue is gone. This is when you know "Oh FUCK! Shit is about to get real."

Elisabeth Shue is the Sheriff and Ving Rhames is her deputy. They are worried about all the 50,000+ college kids coming into town to celebrate Spring Break. Elisabeth Shue's son Jake is a teenager and you can tell that he doesn't really fit in because his mom is a cop. 

Well this is when Jerry O'Connell comes into the picture because he's there filming this Girls Gone Wild type of movie and he hires Jake as the "Location Scout" because he's lived there forever and knows the lake. There's these 2 chicks accompanying Jerry O'Connell and they both have huge tits. 

They are the stars of his show so Jake is all about it. And before all this happens, Jake's ex-girlfriend Kelly is back in town and she has a new boyfriend. Jake is saying bye to her and her new boyfriends best friend riding shotgun throws a fucking slushy all over Jake. Jake is too much of a pussy to do anything about it so he just walks off like George Michael often does in Arrested Development....

and goes to pick up his little sister who is making friends with one of the Big Tittied chicks that's gonna star in Jerry O'Connells movie. That's how Jake lucks out and gets this gig. So O'Connell is like "Tomorrow bro, you be there and I'll pay you to ride around with us in a boat and watch me do a ton of blow, drink a whole bottle of tequilla and observe titties, all day!" and Jake is like "Cool dude, I'm there bro!"...But Shit! Jake forgets he has to babysit his little brother and sister because his mom(Sheriff Elisabeth Shue) will be busy with the spring breakers. She even gives him a guilt trip for good measure after his little sister rats him out about his new job and he lies to his mom, then pays his little brother and sister 60 dollars to stay home alone and keep their mouths shut. The little girl really fucks Jake over though because he was only gonna pay $40, but she jews him up to 60 and she didn't even want a baby sitter anyway, so it's like win/win for her. As Jake is about to board Jerry O'Connells boat, his ex girlfriend Kelly sees him and she's all "Oh my boyfriend is a dick, can I come with you guys?" and of course she gets to ride. By this time Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames have discovered Richard Dreyfuss's body and think he was eaten alive by something toxic. They are now worried that the lake may be contaminated with some kind of flesh eating poison or bacteria but they can't just close the lake or the town will lose so much money, just like in Jaws where Chief Brody wanted to close the beach but the greedy mayor tried to fire him for that shit. Huge mistake! 

After the mini earthquake a few days ago, some geologists show up almost immediately to investigate the aftermath and the shifting of the plates underwater. Derek from Stepbrothers is the only cool one out of these 3 geologist fags, then there's some chick that was so irrelevant that I can't remember what she looks like, and the other one was the Mexican dude from Desperate Housewives. Well good thing they don't matter because while they are diving, they swim into this underwater cave and BAM! The Piranhas start killing the shit out of them. Derek senses something isn't right, so his heroic ass jumps in and almost saves the chick, but there is nothing he can do about the essay from Desperate Housewives. The chick ends up dieing anyway, but they do have a piranha that was still eating her that gets stuck on the boat. Now it's a race against time to get this mysterious creature to a scientist played by Christopher Lloyd aka Doc Mother Fuckin Brown from Back to the Future, and figure out what the hell it is. 

They put it in an aquarium and start investigating it and Derek is like "There are thousands of them, and they are pissed!" and you can almost here this "Dunt dunt dunhhh" music playing because they realized how fucked they are. 

So now they run out to the lake and try to make everyone stop swimming. There is this huge Wet T-shirt contest going on and out of the 50,000 spring breakers, 49,995 of them are there. This is a part that was pretty hilarious because they're having this wet t-shirt contest right? And then the MC is like "When I say Tit, you say E's, TIT-" "EEEEES!" "TIT!" "EEEEES" It was awesome.

Ving Rhames is trying to get everyone's attention and he's like "Hey, get the eff out of the water you dumb crackers! there are some man eating mother fuckin bass swimming around here and they aim to kill all of you!' But then no one really listens or cares and they just go back to partying, not only that, but they all decide to jump in the water because he told them they shouldn't. Then I'm thinking "Well, good. I hope they all die for not listening to Ving Rhames!" and Melissa was like that's a terrible thing to say, they don't even know there are piranhas in the water yet and I was like "They fucking would have if they listened to my homie Ving Rhames." I have no sympathy for any of them now. Then sure enough, the feast begins. Thousands of people just getting their legs and faces bit off by these prehistoric beasts. 

And with that, the chaos continues to spread, even out of the water. There is this floating stage and people are killing each other trying to get on it and climbing the poles trying to get to the highest point, and it then tumps over because of all the weight. 

Ving Rhames and Elisabeth Shue now start randomly shooting shotguns and shit into the water trying to take out the Piranhas. Ving Rhames is really going hard, it seems like every time he shoots he's killing like 10 of them, then Elisabeth Shue has this pivotal moment and pulls out her taser. 

I'm thinking that maybe if she tases the water, it will electrocute all the fish. WRONG! All that happens is the taser sticks to like one fish and he's all "Don't tase me bro!" and it kills him, but that's about it. You can't really make much of a difference when it takes 2 minutes to tase one fish. It would take 2 years to kill all of them, at least. Then people start getting out of the water and Ving Rhames just straight jumps in the water and starts going fucking crazy, blasting his shotgun until it runs out of bullets, then he takes off the fucking motor from one of the boats, cranks that bitch up and starts sawing piranhas in half as they are trying to flash mob him....

Eventually they overtake him though and now it's up to Derek and Elisabeth Shue. But, Oh No! While all of this is happening, Elisabeth Shue's little kids get stuck on this island and Jake sees them and makes Jerry O'Connell go to pick them up. He is so pissed because he's high as hell off that booger sugar and Jake is like "Well, my mom is a cop" then O'Connell changes his whole tone like a little bitch and he's saying "Ok, lets go pick up those little kids bro, there is plenty of room on this boat bro." So after the kids are safely aboard, the boat gets stuck on some rocks. The Piranhas are now in the area just lurking, waiting on someone to jump in. And one of the big tittied chicks jumps in and gets eaten. Elisabeth Shue calls Jake on his cell phone and he finally tells her "Oh, I screwed up, blah blah blah, and the little kids are with me and we are stuck on this boat and about to die!" This is when Derek gets krunk and jacks a jet-ski and then he finds a bigger boat and him and Shue take off to save the kids. They arrive just in time because the boat is sinking and Jerry O'Connell falls in and they bite off his dick. 

And it shows the dick a few minutes later just floating around and a piranha comes out of nowhere and chomps on it, then it burps and spits it out. I know it was supposed to be comic relief but they really didn't need comic relief in a movie that's already a comedy. Also I forgot to mention that Jake's girlfriend Kelly was wasted, and she was puking and shit just before the situation went all to hell. She was down at the bottom of the boat trying to sleep it off just before the boat starts flooding and now she's stuck in there and these piranhas are all jumping up trying to bite her and she's beating them off with a fucking frying pan. 

Shue and Derek show up and tie a rope onto the bigger boat that all the kids are on. She then shimmies across and boards the boat like a Somali pirate, except she looks nowhere near as cool while she's doing it.

They then come up with a plan to get the one Big Tittied girl that's still alive and the 2 little kids across. Shue is telling Jake to go with them and he's all "No mom, I can't leave Kelly." and after a few minutes of arguing Elisabeth Shue is like "Ok, fine, I'll get your brother and sister to safety and I'll come back and help." Well on the way across the last big tittied chick that's still alive gets to a choke point on the rope and a piranha jumps up and gets in her hair. Then another one bites onto her ass. Before you know it she's falling off into the water and being attacked from several different directions. I was kind of disappointed because she was really nice to Jake and she had a British accent. I thought for sure she would be one of the survivors. Anyway, the kids and Elisabeth Shue make it back across and all of the sudden the rope breaks off the little boat. Oh shit, it's now up to just Jake to save Kelly and get out of this adverse situation. "Ah hah", Jake has a plan. They still have Jerry O'Connells body on the boat but he has no legs or penis. He is covered up with a towel and just when Jake goes to remove it, O'Connell comes back to life(startling the fuck out of me and I almost choked on my sunflower seeds) and he's saying "Ahh my dick, they ate my dick bro, Ahh they ate my dick." The selfish retard doesn't even appreciate the craziness of the situation or the fact that he's like 1 oz of blood away from death, all he cares about is his missing dick. They put way too much emphasis on his dick and I felt like the writers didn't believe strongly enough in their awesome script. It felt like they put this whole "Dick" part into the mix in case it was a shitty movie, they'd at least have one part that people laughed at. Ironically it turned out to be the only shitty part of the movie. 

Well Jake throws O'Connell's dickless body out into the water and all the fish just go after him. Never mind the fact that just a few minutes earlier these fish were eating 30,000 people but now they all seem to be satisfied with just half of a Jerry O'Connell. Jake then uses this huge plot hole to his advantage and jumps in and swims under the boat and tells Kelly "We only have a few minutes before these fish are done eating Jerry O'Connell, we have to hurry and get out of here." Then he makes this bomb. He gets on the radio and tells Derek, "We've got this rope, on the count of 10, just take off and pull us out of here!" Jake and Kelly then submerge themselves, make a bomb and start making out while Derek and Elisabeth Shue are counting down from 10 backwards. When they get to 1, Derek powers the boat up and....Nothing. He tries again, still nothing. Now the fish are done eating Jerry O'Connell and they are like 2 seconds from attacking Jake and Kelly when the boat finally starts up and they get pulled to safety while simultaneously the bomb goes off. 

All the piranhas start floating to the surface, the blast damn near killed all of them. Horrayyyy!!! The humans win. Derek looks out over the water and sees all the dead fish floating and says "Lolz, I thought dynamite fishing was illegal in Lake Victoria!" and they all start laughing, like at the end of Scooby Doo after they solve a mystery..........then Elisabeth Shu gets a call on the radio and it's Christopher Lloyd. He starts telling them "I'm afraid there is some bad news, this piranha I have in my aquarium has no reproductive organs or something, it's just a baby, they're all babies." Then she relays the message to Derek and he's like "Well if these are babies, where are the adults?" and just before he finishes saying that, he gets Samuel Yell Jackson'd by a big fucking Piranha. 

The End! 

Overall I have to say this was a great movie. Easily 4 Oprah Titties! And if you read all of this, WOW! Just WOW. But much love.

Take the redundancy out of the pleasantries....

Home Girl!

(Lots of nervous energy building up for this first College Football Saturday of the season, so there's no better way to burn it off than writing stories on the intrawebz)

Have you ever just walked by someone that you knew as an acquaintance, or maybe you don't know them at all and you just happen to be in an awkward position(i.e. walking by them in a narrow hallway or on a narrow sidewalk) so you make eye contact, smile and say "How are you doing?" Of course you have, we all do this shit on the reg. But when you do it, you don't actually want to know how they are doing. It used to be when you get asked "How are you doing?" in those situations you would just say "Fine, and you?" but now it's become such a redundant question, mother fuckers don't even bother responding. They just keep walking and ignore you pretty much. Or they make it even worse and smile back at you and keep walking and that's like saying "Yeah I'm smiling but go fuck yourself, I don't even know you and I'm not replying to your redundant question either, ass nuts!" SHIT, While we're on the topic, I can redundantly ask you how you're doing in like 6 different languages in case I'm in an awkward situation in a foreign country. I'll post those real quick along with the most racist or stereotypical picture I can find of people that speak that language.

SPANISH:  "Como esta?"

TAGOLOG: "Kumusta Ka?" or "Anong ginagawa no?

ITALIAN: "Come stai facendo?"

GERMAN: "Wie geht es dir?

FRENCH: "Comment le faites-vous?"

ARABIC:  "كيف حالك" naw I'm just playing, but I think it's "Shlonic Sadic?" 

I have like 15 more but this will take forever....

Anyway, the point is we need to find a way to stop this redundancy. Now I can't do it all by myself but if we all work together we can make people think twice before using a redundant pleasantry. We may not be able to stop it altogether, but we can certainly stop people from asking you "how are you doing?" when they really don't give a shit. So here is what you do, the next time you are forced into one of these situations let them ask you, (never be the aggressor in these situations) but as soon as they ask how you are doing, you just stop and tell them. Tell them what a shitty day you are having, or in some weird case where you are having a good day, you can tell them that too. Make sure you cover every detail and don't leave anything out.

EXAMPLE:  "Oh Em Geee you wouldn't believe the day I'm having, so the dog wakes me up at like 5:17 and he doesn't really talk or anything like Wilford on FX does, but I still kind of understand him, you know? Because when you have a pet for long enough you start to understand them. And he was pretty much telling me he had to go take a shit and I was like "What kind of shit, boy?" and he told me in his own way that it was gonna be a bad one. Like the runny kind and he pretty much apologized up front about having to come back in and probably getting that mustard colored shit on my carpet while he's wiping his ass...and when that happens you know you are in for a terrible day lolz. So he's done shitting at like 5:21 and sure enough, mustard colored feces stains are all over my ketchup colored carpet. So I'm like "I'M UP!" I went ahead and started my day by shampooing my carpet. I get done with that at 5:51 and decided I can make it to McDonald's and be one of the first people there when they open at 6. Well I was wrong about that shit. There was already like 14 people in line at the drive thru when I got there, finally at like 6:22 It's my turn to order and right before I tell them I want 2 sausage egg burritos, a hash brown and medium coffee the bitch says "Welcome to McDonald's...(PAUSE)...can I get you a strawberry lemonade?" Then that just totally threw me the fuck off and I was like "No. and Eww! that sounds gross for breakfast." and then I went blank. I forgot what I wanted to order. So then I just improvised and was like "Umm number 3"....Well the number 3 was not what I wanted and I was thinking "Yep, it's because the dog had to take a bad shit, that was an Omen and my day is fucked!" and then..., you guessed it, stuck in traffic on the way home. I finally get there at 7:04 and I barely have time to take a shower and the water is as cold as Eskimo tits. I have an 8 O'clock class and it takes me 49 minutes alone just to find a parking spot and I get stuck at every fucking red light on the way here and I have to walk into class late. Now I'm on my way to my 9 O'clock and you have me stuck here telling you my life story. Thanks Dick!"............ 

And then you look at your watch and take off in a dead sprint. That ought to hold em!(remember when we used to say that shit back in the 90's?)

So, do work. Stop people from saying unnecessary shit that they really don't mean. LSU is about to flash mob Oregon. Straight up focus ass whooping.(a Focus Ass Whooping is when you have already beat the piss out of them, but no one has broken the fight up yet, so you just slow down and take your time squaring up and hitting them in the temple as hard as you can with pinpoint accuracy. Putting as much power as you can into each blow. It's kind of like what Matt Damon did to that guy he knew from Kindagotten in "Good Will Hunting").....

Keeping it realer than your cousin who draws unemployment but still has to act like he's looking for a job so he just goes around job hunting wearing his camouflage hunting clothes and faded ass LSU hat and asks people "Are you hiring?" and when they say no, he's like "OK, but can you sign this so they know I was out trying?" 

Geaux Tigers! Eff the Razorbacks and LOL for putting that shit on Pay Per View. 

If you want to walk and text that's cool.....

But move the fuck out of my way before I go Bobby Boucher on your punk ass! 

Today I found myself hating on just about everything. It may just be because I'm getting older and more tired of the world, that I'm growing more pessimistic. I'm basically already the old man yelling at 12 year old's to "Get the fuck out of my yard, you're killing the grass!"(even in the middle of a 40 consecutive day heat wave of 100+ degree temperatures with no rain and the grass is already brown as shit)...

But that's what I'm turning into and I don't like it. We all hate on things/people to some degree, it's just our nature. Like when the lines at the gas station are full and you're 3 cars deep but not even in a real hurry, you just steady hate on the guy taking his time in the front of the line. You're all like "fucking shitty ass car, that car looks like if a Kia and a Pinto had sex and then took a shit together, it would be the baby!", "How are you gonna wear dickies with a tucked in shirt and a tie, pimp?" or "You look like you smell like metal or some old ass Sulphur oxide!" Shit like that, then you have to go in the store while you're waiting and you'll walk right by the guy and be like "oh, how ya doing?" And smile like he never did any wrong to you. It's really sissy ass shit that I catch myself doing. I'll be stuck in traffic cussing and making fun of everyone in front of me or beside me but if they rolled down their window and asked me what I'm talking about I'll probably say "Oh, just listening to this game on the radio and it's pissing me off!" Also when people try to start conversations with me I sometimes just blurt out something negative, without even thinking about it. I used to be very social and good at improvising a conversation when I meet new people, now I just feel like I have something better to do than to talk to you(if I don't already know you and even then, I would still probably rather do something else).  A few days ago this guy in one of my classes asked me if I ever shopped at Abercrombie or if I knew where one was, around here? Instead of saying something polite like, "No man, I sure don't know where one is." or "yeah, there is one in the mall not too far from here." I just blurted out "Fuck naw man! I couldn't even wear that shit when I was skinny because it only fits skinny, manorexic, tight jean wearing model types with hair that is very soft like chicken broth. Fucking Gay!" And he was like "Oh." probably doing the same thing I do thinking to himself "What a dick!" but too chicken shit to actually say it.

Anyway I do kind of like how Abercrombie hated on The Situation and paid him not to wear their attire, that was pretty cool and admirable. They should get Pauly D to rock their pretty boy shit, but it probably won't fit him either because he's not built like a girl and his arms are bigger than toothpicks.  

But yeah, I guess the point of this is I've just been kind of doing a self assessment and I don't like the negative person I've become. I used to be way more happy and playful when interacting with people. I wonder what made me this way? Is it really just because I'm getting older and less impressed with a lot of things? Is it because of the internet and the fact that I spend so much time on there, that I don't have to worry about offending it with an emotionally undignified response, therefor carrying over that same behavior in the real world? I don't want to turn into a complete dick like guys I used to make fun of. I'm now turning into that same asshole and need to stop being so spiteful. My goal this week(for the rest of it anyway) is to stop hating. Period.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go watch the College Football Season get kicked off with DeVry dominating ITT Tech on Pay Per View because I can afford it and you probably can't. Your mom is pregnant with 4 kids by 4 different daddies that all smell like feet and wear mustard stained wife beaters under their buttoned up abercrombie shirt tucked into some dickies with a clip on tie. 

Stop Hating!