Probably The Most Awesome Movie Ever Made. Ever!

OK, I wrote this last summer(2010) and posted it under "notes" on facebook. Not sure it got many views since it was on FB, but because of that and the fact that I read some gossip on a part 2 that's currently in the works (and I'm super krunk about that), I decided to repost this. Also keep in mind that I wrote this before it came out at the theater or even on bootleg(as far as I was aware of), so it's not 1 thousand percent accurate as far as the script goes, it was just my predictions which weren't all that far off. But I mean, you don't have to be Mrs. Cleo to predict the premise of an action movie, even if there is really no trailer other than the names of the guys that were gonna be in it. Here it goes......

(Before reading this, click on the video and play this krunk ass music while you read my krunk ass shit!)

It's no secret to anyone that knows Mike Hicks, that I've been waiting for this movie since I heard it got green lit like 3 summers ago. Here is just my little synopsis/predictions and the reason why everyone else should go see this and love it as much as I do.

Basically they(the writers, namely Sylvester Stallone) want us to believe a bunch of Blackwater type Mercs are about to involve themselves in a mission that isn't really worth the $130K they pay you every 4 months with 30 days paid leave. But I see it like this: It's Stallone, Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Terry "Cheeseburger Eddy" Crews and Mickey Rourke on the same squad vs 80,000 Cocaine induced South Americans led by Eric Roberts, Stone Cold Steve Austin and I'm thinking a defective Dolph Lundgren.....so clearly Eric Roberts and his South Americans are outnumbered.
 
SO NOW FOR A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE EXPENDABLES
The Leader: Barney "Schizo" Ross(played by Stallone)

lolz, remember that Brisk Commercial?

Anyway, I digress. Barney Ross aka The Schizo, is a veteran Expendable and leader of the team. Barney was trained in hand-to-hand combat and has extensive special weapons training. For Ross every mission is the last mission,... till the next mission. So we know he's a great boxer, I saw him fight a few times and beat up Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, Tommy "The Machine" Gun and took Mason "The Line" Dixon to the limit in arguably one of the greatest boxing matches in the history of umm Boxing. Dude can fight, there is no question. He also got pissed off by a few backwoods Sheriff deputies and took out the whole fucking police force along with the Washington Army National Guard while armed only with a navy dive knife and a rope. And then in order to be freed from that little travesty he wiped out what was left of the Viet Cong in the mid 80's and rescued some POW's that our Government had all but given up on. So yeah, he's got some combat experience I'd say.

The Backup/2nd in Command: Lee Christmas

Not to be confused with Lloyd Christmas(another bad ass in his own right)

So anyway, Lee Christmas played by Jason Statham is former SAS(You know the baddest the British have to offer outside of Austin Powers maybe) and some kind of savant with blades, knives or anything sharp(Basically he's a fucking Ninja). Seems to have a good although very competitive relationship with Barney Schizo, and I'm sure he's one hell of a driver. So he brings a lot to the table...excellent driving skills, he'll kick your ass with a samurai sword. He's probably good at surviving crazy shit like Bear Grylls(I mean he can probably scale a glacier bare footed while using his shoe strings as a safety harness) and you already know he has a cool accent. No matter what British dudes say, it sounds cool as hell when they say it. They could say "I have explosive diarrhea" and it's gonna sound very gentleman like and impressive.


The number 3 guy is Yin Yang (Played by Jet Li)

OK, WOW! what kind of racist shit is that? they could have came with a much better Asian name than that in my opinion, but whatever. What would make it funnier though is if he had a twin and they both screamed random loud shit all the time as they sipped crunk juice from a "Pimp" sippy cup.

So "Yang" is a master at close quarter combat. They really give no other back history other than that, but I'd imagine he's some kind of Chinese spook or former special agent that made friends with these guys for making fun of his size or lack there of. Also note, he's probably the one cast member that didn't juice up prior to shooting.

Now I'm very excited to see Randy Couture in his first major role in a big box office movie. He plays "Toll Road." Uh wait, oh yeah never mind, I got that right. His fucking name is actually "Toll Road." That's not real original and kind of a rip off of GI JOE's "Road Block." But I guess on the flip side if you were in a bar and a guy spilled a drink on you and then told you his name was "Toll Road" I'm not so sure I'd want to try whipping his ass or anything. Just Because! His name is Toll Road.

Me: Umm Bitch I'm gonna kick your ass!
Toll Road: Oh Yeah? Well my name is Toll Road!
Me: Oh shit, never mind. My apologies. Can I buy you an apple martini and call it even?

 

Now last but certainly not even close to being least!

Hale Caesar: Played by none other than Terry Crews. Probably better known for his roles as Damien OG Triple OG in Friday 3(and instead of calling it "The Friday After Next", they should have called it "Friday: Not This Shit Again!" Besides Terry Crews, the Holy Moly donut guy was the only redeeming factor in that movie.

DAMIAN OG TRIPLE OG......

But perhaps my favorite role ever...
CHEESEBURGER EDDY

Anyhow, Terry Crews basically plays Stallone's longtime friend "Hale Caesar"(arguably the coolest name ever) who is some kind of expert in long barrel weapons. He seems to be the most loyal to Stallone's character and does whatever is asked of him. Terry Crews easily has the best character name ever "Hale Caesar"....that's just so freaking cool. I really don't even need to elaborate or make up a scenario on how cool that name would be while used in a sentence. You pretty much just don't fuck with a gentleman named "Hale Caesar" especially when he's like a 6'3" 240 lbs of a solid muscle having black guy. 

Also, Mickey Rourke is featured and plays "Tool" and seems to be the black market guy that can get his hands on any kind of weapon and intel as well. He seems to be a real veteran of the group and is more administrative, logistical and relied on for his wisdom and advice. Oh, and apparently he gives tattoo's. 

What a "Tool" lolzzzzz

NOW FOR THE BAD GUYS!

David Zayas, the guy that played Enrique Morales on "Oz" plays General Garza.

A guy that clearly has no idea how fucking bad ass the Expendables are. This would be like Jimmy from South Park picking a fight with Brock Lesnar.  

So a mysterious church in the form of Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwartzaeneasgesazzxpger(sp) offers Barney "The Schizo" Ross and his men a job no one else would take. Well of course not, no one else is as bad ass and has a 74 lb nut sack like Stallone and his band of Expendables. Well Barney and his men embark on what appears to be a routine mission(LOL, yeah right, that would make for a great action movie) to overthrow General Garza(dude from Oz) the murderous, Pablo Escobar like dictator of the small island country of Vilena.
"Relax guy, he's not that bad!"

On a Recon mission to Vilena, Barney meets his contact, a female freedom fighter named Sandra.
SANDRA... 

Well of course she has to be hot, not some local Booger like most female freedom fighters I've seen in my day that can just give out info/intel and move on back to their village.

Turns out Sandra is a local freedom fighter with a dark secret. The Expendables also come to learn who their true enemy is. Wait for it.............

Rogue Ex-CIA Operative Eric Roberts lulz. Who really hasn't kicked much ass in a long fucking time. And his performance in "Best of the Best" was whack at best. I was like 10 when Best of the Best came out and I know I could have Tae Kwon Do'd the shit out of him then, he never impressed me. The Pony Tail was bitch made and it's hard to take a movie seriously where Chris Penn is one of the best martial artists in the United States(and he wears an effing Cowboy Hat). 

BUT, along with Eric Roberts bitch ass he happens to have a pretty bad ass Ace up his sleeve in the form of henchman "Dan Paine" aka STONE COLD STEVE MOTHER FUCKIN AUSTIN!

I once watched him beat down Brock Lesnar so bad that I forgot what I was watching.

I mean there are certain moments in your life when you witness an ass whoopin so great, you forget what you just saw. It's like some kind of ass kicking paradox and it's so startling that your jaw drops, you go deaf and blind for a minute or two, and then you shit your pants. Then 2 minutes later you come back to yourself and you're all like "WTF just happened and why do I have shit in my boxers?" Besides this one isolated incident, I've only seen something similar one other time when Joey Kovar from the Real World Hollywood beat the fuck out of that heavy bag......

 
Anyway, apparently shit goes totally wrong and Stone Cold gives Stallone and his crew the Paradox shits, like I described earlier. 


So Rambo and the Transporter leave the hot contact(Sandra) behind, pretty much leaving her fucked up worse than Whitney Houston and she's probably gonna be killed. Now, in a sudden sense of Good Guy-ism, Barney convinces his squad of Mercs to return to Vilena. Recoil, reload and re-fuck-up General Garza and Eric the Bitch Roberts to finish the job he started and perhaps in his own mind, save his own soul. Oh, but he's definitely not gonna be trying to fuck Sandra or anything after he saves her. This is strictly about morals and he would have done the same thing for these chicks! 

THE POSSIBLE NEGATIVES OF THIS MOVIE.....

It's missing Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Jackie Chan, Steven Seagal, The Rock, John Cena, Hulk Hogan, Shaq(from his Shaq-Fu and "Steel" days of course) not his shitty, can't rebound and misses lay-ups Cleveland Cavalier days. Or else it would have had pretty much every action star of the last 45 years. 

SOME AWESOME AND HILARIOUS TRIVIA:

Jean Claude Van Damme was offered a role, but he turned it down claiming that there was no substance in the character. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL because Van Damme was an Oscar performing actor with the utmost acting integrity. This role was clearly beneath him. Ha Ha, that's awesome! 

I will end by saying this........

Sylvester Stallone's character Barney "The Schizo" Ross has what might be the best quote EVER, in any movie by saying, "We are the shadows, the smoke in your eyes, the ghosts that hide in the night.".....This quote alone makes me want to run like 70 miles, do 9 million push-ups and immediately go and enlist in the Israeli Mossad, then pistol whip your Grandma with a cell phone. Right now I can barely walk because my back is hurting so bad, but hearing that quote makes me want to go dunk a basketball on these little Mexican kids down the street and then tell them "I am the shadow, the smoke in your eyes and the ghost that hides in the night!" and then light up a cigar, toss the match and walk away in slow motion with the theme song from "The Last of the Mohicans" playing in the background of my mind.

NOTE:  I left out pictures and a lot of information on Dolph Lundgren because I've honestly hated his guts since he killed Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. I hope he gets killed real hard in this movie by Sylvester Stallone. Again. And after he kills him I hope he says some really cool one liner shit..... like maybe he'll cut off his head with a butter knife and he'll say "Never lose your head in a combat situation" in his semi punchy, New Jersey voice. That would rule!