SPOILERS: There are thousands of them...........

And they are pissed!

Saturday night while LSU was focus ass whooping Oregon, during one of the commercials I was looking at the guide on the TV and noticed on one of the showtime channels there was this movie called "Piranha." Well pretty much I was already sold, I didn't even need to read the description or anything, I've never heard of it, never seen a preview and didn't even know who was in it, but with a name like "Piranha" it was a given that I would probably love it. So I hit the record button and ended up watching it last night. I must warn you now, this will contain Spoilers so if you plan on watching this awesome movie and haven't seen it yet, you should probably watch it first, then come back and read this afterwards. And for those of you that aren't sold on just the name like I was, here are a few particulars that might just put the cherry on top for you. 

Piranha. 2010 rated R for strong language, violence, gore and a shit ton of titties.
Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry "Says Bro A Lot" O'Connell, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd and probably most importantly the hero of the movie, the guy that played Derek in "Stepbrothers." 

So it begins with Richard Dreyfuss out fishing in a little john boat in Lake Victoria in Arizona. It's like the eve of Spring Break of course and all of a sudden there is this rumble. Turns out there is this earthquake happening that is very soft like terry cloth, maybe even softer than the one that hit D.C. like 2 weeks ago. But there is this ancient underwater volcano or something(I'm not a fucking geologist so just bare with me) and it opens up, causing a whirlpool right where Richard Dreyfuss happens to be fishing. He's like "Oh Shit, what is happening?" and his boat is just spinning around like he is in a toilet that just got flushed. 

While all of this is going on, the camera veers to the bottom of the lake and you see all these fish swimming the opposite direction of the whirlpool and they are all making these noises like the Gremlins make when they eat after midnight. Then Dreyfuss falls in the water and within seconds he is being attacked by these ancient piranhas. At first he's like "Owe, ooh, ouch." But then it gets progressively stronger and before you know it, all of his skin and muscle tissue is gone. This is when you know "Oh FUCK! Shit is about to get real."

Elisabeth Shue is the Sheriff and Ving Rhames is her deputy. They are worried about all the 50,000+ college kids coming into town to celebrate Spring Break. Elisabeth Shue's son Jake is a teenager and you can tell that he doesn't really fit in because his mom is a cop. 

Well this is when Jerry O'Connell comes into the picture because he's there filming this Girls Gone Wild type of movie and he hires Jake as the "Location Scout" because he's lived there forever and knows the lake. There's these 2 chicks accompanying Jerry O'Connell and they both have huge tits. 

They are the stars of his show so Jake is all about it. And before all this happens, Jake's ex-girlfriend Kelly is back in town and she has a new boyfriend. Jake is saying bye to her and her new boyfriends best friend riding shotgun throws a fucking slushy all over Jake. Jake is too much of a pussy to do anything about it so he just walks off like George Michael often does in Arrested Development....

and goes to pick up his little sister who is making friends with one of the Big Tittied chicks that's gonna star in Jerry O'Connells movie. That's how Jake lucks out and gets this gig. So O'Connell is like "Tomorrow bro, you be there and I'll pay you to ride around with us in a boat and watch me do a ton of blow, drink a whole bottle of tequilla and observe titties, all day!" and Jake is like "Cool dude, I'm there bro!"...But Shit! Jake forgets he has to babysit his little brother and sister because his mom(Sheriff Elisabeth Shue) will be busy with the spring breakers. She even gives him a guilt trip for good measure after his little sister rats him out about his new job and he lies to his mom, then pays his little brother and sister 60 dollars to stay home alone and keep their mouths shut. The little girl really fucks Jake over though because he was only gonna pay $40, but she jews him up to 60 and she didn't even want a baby sitter anyway, so it's like win/win for her. As Jake is about to board Jerry O'Connells boat, his ex girlfriend Kelly sees him and she's all "Oh my boyfriend is a dick, can I come with you guys?" and of course she gets to ride. By this time Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames have discovered Richard Dreyfuss's body and think he was eaten alive by something toxic. They are now worried that the lake may be contaminated with some kind of flesh eating poison or bacteria but they can't just close the lake or the town will lose so much money, just like in Jaws where Chief Brody wanted to close the beach but the greedy mayor tried to fire him for that shit. Huge mistake! 

After the mini earthquake a few days ago, some geologists show up almost immediately to investigate the aftermath and the shifting of the plates underwater. Derek from Stepbrothers is the only cool one out of these 3 geologist fags, then there's some chick that was so irrelevant that I can't remember what she looks like, and the other one was the Mexican dude from Desperate Housewives. Well good thing they don't matter because while they are diving, they swim into this underwater cave and BAM! The Piranhas start killing the shit out of them. Derek senses something isn't right, so his heroic ass jumps in and almost saves the chick, but there is nothing he can do about the essay from Desperate Housewives. The chick ends up dieing anyway, but they do have a piranha that was still eating her that gets stuck on the boat. Now it's a race against time to get this mysterious creature to a scientist played by Christopher Lloyd aka Doc Mother Fuckin Brown from Back to the Future, and figure out what the hell it is. 

They put it in an aquarium and start investigating it and Derek is like "There are thousands of them, and they are pissed!" and you can almost here this "Dunt dunt dunhhh" music playing because they realized how fucked they are. 

So now they run out to the lake and try to make everyone stop swimming. There is this huge Wet T-shirt contest going on and out of the 50,000 spring breakers, 49,995 of them are there. This is a part that was pretty hilarious because they're having this wet t-shirt contest right? And then the MC is like "When I say Tit, you say E's, TIT-" "EEEEES!" "TIT!" "EEEEES" It was awesome.

Ving Rhames is trying to get everyone's attention and he's like "Hey, get the eff out of the water you dumb crackers! there are some man eating mother fuckin bass swimming around here and they aim to kill all of you!' But then no one really listens or cares and they just go back to partying, not only that, but they all decide to jump in the water because he told them they shouldn't. Then I'm thinking "Well, good. I hope they all die for not listening to Ving Rhames!" and Melissa was like that's a terrible thing to say, they don't even know there are piranhas in the water yet and I was like "They fucking would have if they listened to my homie Ving Rhames." I have no sympathy for any of them now. Then sure enough, the feast begins. Thousands of people just getting their legs and faces bit off by these prehistoric beasts. 

And with that, the chaos continues to spread, even out of the water. There is this floating stage and people are killing each other trying to get on it and climbing the poles trying to get to the highest point, and it then tumps over because of all the weight. 

Ving Rhames and Elisabeth Shue now start randomly shooting shotguns and shit into the water trying to take out the Piranhas. Ving Rhames is really going hard, it seems like every time he shoots he's killing like 10 of them, then Elisabeth Shue has this pivotal moment and pulls out her taser. 

I'm thinking that maybe if she tases the water, it will electrocute all the fish. WRONG! All that happens is the taser sticks to like one fish and he's all "Don't tase me bro!" and it kills him, but that's about it. You can't really make much of a difference when it takes 2 minutes to tase one fish. It would take 2 years to kill all of them, at least. Then people start getting out of the water and Ving Rhames just straight jumps in the water and starts going fucking crazy, blasting his shotgun until it runs out of bullets, then he takes off the fucking motor from one of the boats, cranks that bitch up and starts sawing piranhas in half as they are trying to flash mob him....

Eventually they overtake him though and now it's up to Derek and Elisabeth Shue. But, Oh No! While all of this is happening, Elisabeth Shue's little kids get stuck on this island and Jake sees them and makes Jerry O'Connell go to pick them up. He is so pissed because he's high as hell off that booger sugar and Jake is like "Well, my mom is a cop" then O'Connell changes his whole tone like a little bitch and he's saying "Ok, lets go pick up those little kids bro, there is plenty of room on this boat bro." So after the kids are safely aboard, the boat gets stuck on some rocks. The Piranhas are now in the area just lurking, waiting on someone to jump in. And one of the big tittied chicks jumps in and gets eaten. Elisabeth Shue calls Jake on his cell phone and he finally tells her "Oh, I screwed up, blah blah blah, and the little kids are with me and we are stuck on this boat and about to die!" This is when Derek gets krunk and jacks a jet-ski and then he finds a bigger boat and him and Shue take off to save the kids. They arrive just in time because the boat is sinking and Jerry O'Connell falls in and they bite off his dick. 

And it shows the dick a few minutes later just floating around and a piranha comes out of nowhere and chomps on it, then it burps and spits it out. I know it was supposed to be comic relief but they really didn't need comic relief in a movie that's already a comedy. Also I forgot to mention that Jake's girlfriend Kelly was wasted, and she was puking and shit just before the situation went all to hell. She was down at the bottom of the boat trying to sleep it off just before the boat starts flooding and now she's stuck in there and these piranhas are all jumping up trying to bite her and she's beating them off with a fucking frying pan. 

Shue and Derek show up and tie a rope onto the bigger boat that all the kids are on. She then shimmies across and boards the boat like a Somali pirate, except she looks nowhere near as cool while she's doing it.

They then come up with a plan to get the one Big Tittied girl that's still alive and the 2 little kids across. Shue is telling Jake to go with them and he's all "No mom, I can't leave Kelly." and after a few minutes of arguing Elisabeth Shue is like "Ok, fine, I'll get your brother and sister to safety and I'll come back and help." Well on the way across the last big tittied chick that's still alive gets to a choke point on the rope and a piranha jumps up and gets in her hair. Then another one bites onto her ass. Before you know it she's falling off into the water and being attacked from several different directions. I was kind of disappointed because she was really nice to Jake and she had a British accent. I thought for sure she would be one of the survivors. Anyway, the kids and Elisabeth Shue make it back across and all of the sudden the rope breaks off the little boat. Oh shit, it's now up to just Jake to save Kelly and get out of this adverse situation. "Ah hah", Jake has a plan. They still have Jerry O'Connells body on the boat but he has no legs or penis. He is covered up with a towel and just when Jake goes to remove it, O'Connell comes back to life(startling the fuck out of me and I almost choked on my sunflower seeds) and he's saying "Ahh my dick, they ate my dick bro, Ahh they ate my dick." The selfish retard doesn't even appreciate the craziness of the situation or the fact that he's like 1 oz of blood away from death, all he cares about is his missing dick. They put way too much emphasis on his dick and I felt like the writers didn't believe strongly enough in their awesome script. It felt like they put this whole "Dick" part into the mix in case it was a shitty movie, they'd at least have one part that people laughed at. Ironically it turned out to be the only shitty part of the movie. 

Well Jake throws O'Connell's dickless body out into the water and all the fish just go after him. Never mind the fact that just a few minutes earlier these fish were eating 30,000 people but now they all seem to be satisfied with just half of a Jerry O'Connell. Jake then uses this huge plot hole to his advantage and jumps in and swims under the boat and tells Kelly "We only have a few minutes before these fish are done eating Jerry O'Connell, we have to hurry and get out of here." Then he makes this bomb. He gets on the radio and tells Derek, "We've got this rope, on the count of 10, just take off and pull us out of here!" Jake and Kelly then submerge themselves, make a bomb and start making out while Derek and Elisabeth Shue are counting down from 10 backwards. When they get to 1, Derek powers the boat up and....Nothing. He tries again, still nothing. Now the fish are done eating Jerry O'Connell and they are like 2 seconds from attacking Jake and Kelly when the boat finally starts up and they get pulled to safety while simultaneously the bomb goes off. 

All the piranhas start floating to the surface, the blast damn near killed all of them. Horrayyyy!!! The humans win. Derek looks out over the water and sees all the dead fish floating and says "Lolz, I thought dynamite fishing was illegal in Lake Victoria!" and they all start laughing, like at the end of Scooby Doo after they solve a mystery..........then Elisabeth Shu gets a call on the radio and it's Christopher Lloyd. He starts telling them "I'm afraid there is some bad news, this piranha I have in my aquarium has no reproductive organs or something, it's just a baby, they're all babies." Then she relays the message to Derek and he's like "Well if these are babies, where are the adults?" and just before he finishes saying that, he gets Samuel Yell Jackson'd by a big fucking Piranha. 

The End! 

Overall I have to say this was a great movie. Easily 4 Oprah Titties! And if you read all of this, WOW! Just WOW. But much love.