I'm sexy and I know it.

I'll be the first to admit, when these thoughtless songs come out and get a shit ton of radio play like pretty much any Black Eyed Peas song and now LMFAO, I will turn the station. What sucks about that is that the other station is also playing that song. One time for fun I got really drunk and wrote a Black Eyed Peas song in under 5 minutes, and in my humble opinion it was a total club banger. Anyway, I used to hate these songs, but this "I'm sexy and I know it" song gets me krunk as shit. I find myself walking down the aisles at the Wal Marks bobbing my head and saying "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle" and shit like that. It also gets me krunk because that's the only song they played on the reg at the Dallas/Buffalo game a few weeks ago. So that's why I'm writing now. I haven't did a blog in over 2 weeks. Combination of being too busy and lack of material. I was driving back from Dallas almost 2 weeks ago and a lot of funny shit was running through my head but then I got home and forgot all of it. So now I'll try to rehash some of my thoughts I had planned on writing weeks ago. I guess I'll call this one "Shit I learned at the Dallas game". 

1.) Jerry has built a force field around the stadium. You can't hear anything when you are in the parking lot. Shit, you can't even hear anything while you are showing your ticket and being searched like you are about to fly on a plane. BUT, the very minute you go through those metal gates, all of a sudden a party is roaring. You hear "I'm sexy and I know it" and you see thousands of Miller Lite girls dancing and the Dallas Cowgirls staring at you like they want to bang you. 

Or maybe that was just me. But they also have like 2 million and 47 hundred thousand beer venders running up to you trying to sell you those miller lite 16oz pints for a very cheap $7.50.

ANOTHER FUN FACT: No other beer is sold in the Dallas Stadium. It's either Miller Lite, or go fuck yourself. But they do have quite an assortment of mixed drinks and hard liquor which is also nice. It's just weird though, you are sitting like 2 inches from this metal entrance bar and it's almost silent, but the second you walk through it, it's just straight madness but in a good way. It's like a party heaven and once St. Peter checks your ticket, the party begins. 

2.) Melissa can't drink. She's drank like 4 oz of alcohol in her entire life and that's a good thing. She is the Yin to my Yang. She drinks like one sip of amaretto sour and turns bright red and calls it a day. Well she saw this chick selling these 2 feet tall glasses of what looked like smoothies so she went and bought it. She then asked me if I thought it tasted funny. And I was like "No, not if you ordered a fucking frozen long island ice tea." It was the most potent form of frozen alcohol I've ever tasted. Every sip made me want to dance even more to "I'm sexy and I know it" than I already was. It's pretty hilarious that they market this drink to naive, non alcoholic beverage drinkers but it has the equivalent of an entire bar inside of it. lolz Good times. 

3.) Once in the stadium it's like the Mecca. I started these Gregorian chants except they weren't religious. I was just chanting shit like "Jesus Loves The Cow--Boyyyyssss." You could feel the presence of God in the stadium. Then I noticed something else that was fucking awesome. People really wear those high heeled Jordans.

It's not just some useless tag that all my black friends on facebook receive. Oh, but it was an Asian chick wearing them. I even stopped and asked "Umm excuse me, but did you buy those from Facebook?" and she looked at me like I was George Bush asking her to go fight in Iraq. It sucked. 

4.) Not all people from Jersey talk like they're from Jersey. We had the coolest people ever sitting next to us and they were life long Cowboys fans that live in umm Jersey. They ruled.

THEY DIDN'T LOOK LIKE GORILLA JUICE HEADS

That's for sure.......

5.) At one point, when I started yelling in jest about Buffalo's QB that attended an Ivy League school for those of you weirdos that don't follow football, I said "Yo Fitzy, show dese cow todds how we used to do it at Hahvud." and the Jersey guys laughed at me and gave me a huge high 5. God it was awesome. I could have died right then. Because Fitzy also got sacked while I was saying it. And I got a laugh from some Jersey Boys. It's funny, but I lived my whole life in the south, but I have a very good rapport with Yankees for some reason. Weird. Oh and I also get along really well with Gangster Ass black dudes, Filipinos, Iraqis, red heads, Puerto Ricans, Guatamalans, fat guys and rich guys from rich places that I've never been. Funny because I'm a broke ass southern boy.

6.) I always knew this(that last call is the 3rd quarter or 7th inning), but I didn't realize what time it was, but it was late in the 3rd quarter. I went to buy a Miller Lite by default and they were like "NO, we just quit selling it." so I was like......

  
7.) Buffalo fans are very cool and they are great losers. I mean, who else has lost as much as they have in big games so they are totally used to it. I was talking so much shit on Saturday at bars and stuff to Buffalo fans but instead of getting mad, they'd just say "Ahh yeah, we'll probably lose." again I was like.....

But they never got mad. Shit, just yesterday my Dad kicked me out of his house because I was laughing every time Tyler Wilson got sacked by LSU(he's a huge Arktard and I am not for the record) so I admire that about them(The Great Buffalo Losers). Oh and My dad disowned me in the 1st quarter. He had a hit put out on me by the 2nd quarter. He hates me now I think. Hopefully we'll make up before Arkansas gets to play in the Capitol One bowl in Orlando while we are kicking ass in the National Championship game.  


L O Mother Fucking L at you Arktards for thinking you had a chance. I kept my mouth shut at school all week just saying shit like "Oh yeah, it will be a good/close game lolz" but I wanted to say exactly what ended up happening. I didn't have to be Miss Cleo to see that but.... I'm just too nice and too much of a pussy to offend people in person. That's why I do it on here instead. 


So that's about it. Dallas is in 1st. LSU is also in 1st. Arkansas is very soft like terry cloth and I still shake my ass when I hear "I'm sexy and I know it!" all FACT! 

Also, the trailer hasn't been released yet, but if you want to see the baddest movie poster ever released.....here it goes!

Expendables 2 Baby. At a theater near you in the summer of 12. The only action star that's missing in this one is Josh Quayhagen. And IMO they should use Danny Boy as the guy who gets all the girls and starts all the parties. I should be the guy that talks all the shit and lets the expendables kick ass for me. We'll see. 

Stay Up! have a good after Thanksgiving week. It's officially Christmas now so you can decorate without being judged by assholes. Read my shit. Subscribe. Comment. Do work!

How in the eff did you just have that baby?

I am so amazed because I couldn't watch a 2 millimeter stone come out of my dick hole. 

But I watched a damn near 7 pound human being come out of my wife. And she didn't even cry or anything, all she did was rip off my forearms with her finger nails. But she never did yell, cuss or cry. Very effing impressive.  

 

EDGE: FEMALE

when I was a baby I looked really old for my age. People would tell or ask my mom all the time, "Is he like 1 or 2?" and I'd be like "No way man, I'm only zero. I'm still zero and I don't appreciate your rude ass comments."

It came in handy later on though when I was like 18 and shaved my head and bought beer on the reg at GBI without getting carded because they thought I was a GI. And then when I grew my hair out, I'd just drive out to the Texas Ranch on Texas Highway, just out of Leesville. A bar slash drive through liquor store designed for kids who were old enough to drive cars, to buy beer. That was pretty awesome, but I hope to God they don't still have that shit when Mariah turns 15. But it was either that or O-FAB (Operation Find A Blackdude) and that sucks because 9 times out of 10 the black dude wants like 10 dollars extra (Not gonna say any names but it rhymes with Baymond). Or O-FAHG pronounced like "Oh Fag" and that just meant (Operation Find a Homeless Guy).........

........and all they want is a bottle of Boones Farm usually(for 1.99 + tax), BUT there weren't that many homeless people in Leesville. Small towns don't really have homeless people because there is nothing to see or do there for the homeless. If they are out in L.A. or NYC, there is a shit ton of activities for the homeless. Not so much in Leesville. Shit, there really isn't a lot to do when you aren't homeless except for O-FAB or O-FAHG. 

Anyway, back to babies. How the fuck do women do it? I was in the hospital for the most of last month with kidney stones and I heard a thousand people say "Oooh, I feel so bad for you, I hear it's like giving child birth." ....No it's not. It's nothing like child birth. One reason I can think of is that once they get the rock out of my dick, it won't be crying and wanting enfamil on the reg, every 2 hours. It also won't have shitty diapers every 42 minutes. And the biggest stone I've ever passed was precisely 1/100,000th the size of Mariah. Yeah, granted my penis hole is a whole hell of a lot smaller and less flexible than a Vajeen. But after doing all that math which is probably way the fuck off, the edge still goes to the woman.
 

PENIS PICS ARE NOT ALLOWED ON HERE OR I'D SHOW YOU HOW SMALL MY PENIS HOLE IS. BUT I'M NOT BRETT FAVRE OR SENATOR ANTHONY WEINER. SO JUST IMAGINE THAT PICTURE HERE.

But this is me with a kidney stone.....

And this is Melissa with a freaking Baby that's 4 million times bigger....

You may notice the subtle difference of me acting like a little bitch, crying on the couch, and her sitting there smiling at the camera with a human inside of her belly. 

EDGE: WOMEN

Reason 2, in some cases (not all, if you're unlucky like me the stone will turn into Murphy's Law and get in a spot where they can't do hardly anything about it) but most times they can blast the shit out of it and turn it into a bunch of smaller pieces so when you piss them out, it's way smaller. All of them. Well we couldn't very well blast Mariah into a million pieces before Melissa passed her out. So again, edge to the woman. 

EDGE: Who do you think? 

Reason 3, we get some kick ass pain medications. You will hurt about 15-30 minutes legitimately about once every 2.5 hours when the medicine stops working. And yeah, it hurts pretty, NO, very fucking bad until they come with your next shot of Demerol. But women have to sit there anywhere from 4 hours to as long as a week in labor not knowing when exactly the baby is coming, then the Dr. will come in and be like "OK, it's almost time." Then they give you an epidural, just before the little person inside you is about to come out and beat the shit out of your uterus and Vajeena. And then you have it, everyone is celebrating, crying tears of joy, etc. including you, the mother that just shit out an 8 pound human being and you are smiling and praying and thanking God for your miracle. 

Well when I passed my shit, I dropped to my knees and started crying like a little bitch and instead of thanking God for letting me give birth to the stone, I'm telling him "Uhm uh uh I'll never drink another beer again, I'll stop watching Dancing with the stars, I'll quit calling women that can't drive, bitches. Just anything so that this doesn't happen again." Edge once again: Female. 
  

Well obviously I still drink beer, and call non driving females bitches, but I did give up on Dancing with the Stars after Emmitt Smith kicked so much ass on there a few years ago. So yeah, I still get kidney stones. Melissa hasn't gotten a baby stone since May 7, 2010. So she's definitely living better than me. And everyone keeps asking when or if we're gonna have another one. To be honest I'm afraid to bring another baby into this effed up ass world. There's an NBA Lockout, you get fined in the NFL for hitting the Quarterback too hard and Herman Cain sexually harasses people. Like that's something new. Every man, sexually harasses a woman to an extent. Yesterday I asked a chick if I could borrow a pencil, she could have easily misconstrued that if I was a famous politician. Thank God I'm not. Yet.  And if I was Herman Cain, instead of going on Meet the Press and changing his story a few times and then using somewhat of a race card,  I would have been like "Yeah, so? That bitch was fine. All I said was that dress looks good on you girl and she got all offended. You know how bitches act. If they're hot, they get all insulted when a regular ass dude hits on them, but if she was some fat ass skeezer with a mustache and I said the same thing, it wouldn't have been harassment, it would have been a compliment. So yeah, I guess I did sexually harass her. I gave her like 30 G's to shut the fuck up and that was 10 years ago. I'm a changed man now, I don't tell pretty women shit. In fact I'm the opposite to them. Lesson learned." And with that, Herman Cane would still be a front runner with no cracker ass crackers trying to bring him down. This world appreciates honesty. So be honest and maybe you'll be President. Yeah right lolz.

Oh, but back to having another baby? Still don't know. All I know is we practice a lot. And hopefully I'll be ready when that day comes. "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation." That's what Peyton Manning always says. So I'll definitely be prepared. Just have to keep practicing, and practice is a lot of fun. So we'll see. Right now I need to get rich and famous so I can send Mariah and if she has a little brother, to some private catholic school on the East Coast so they can go pro. At Something. Or move back down to Lake Chuck so they can get in PE Gym and start learning how to kick ass like Quay. 

Peace. Have a good rest of the week. We're heading to Dallas to watch them kill Buffalo in a few days. Y'all pray for our trip and my shitty ass kidney that works about as good as the Seattle Seahawks defense. I don't want to end up like Alonzo Mourning. (Google him girls). And this game is huge. We're down 2 games to the Giants and Buffalo is tied with the Jets for 1st, so both teams have a lot to play for. 

Keeping it realer than a pregnant pill head married to an insane clown posse juggalo.

Is LSU playing Alabama this week?

It's a good thing I read papers, articles on the intrawebz, pay attention to people on Face Book, watch ESPN, FOX Sports and the Oxygen Network or I wouldn't have had a clue. Oh and like most tiger fans MEMORIZE THE FUCKING SCHEDULE.

This Arktard actually asked me yesterday, Friday November 4th...... (Knowing I'm probably the only LSU fan on the entire campus here in ArkansaNs (as Les calls it) wearing LSU Shirts, hoodies and Hats where these fuckers make fun of me on the reg, like we aren't SEC Royalty).........Anyway he asked, "if I knew that LSU was playing at Alabama this weekend?" This same dude has made fun of me at least 3 times for loving LSU and once even said, why don't you go to LSU if you love them so much? Oh, and my answer to that was because "I'm too stupid and these Arkansas schools were the only ones that would let me in." Anyway, concerning this particular conversation......

Me: Uhh doubtful. I'm not sure we're playing them this year.

Him: Oh I"m pretty sure I saw it on the local news this morning.

Me: Well, your news is way the fuck off homey. I'm sure I would have heard somewhere more important than your local news if something like this was happening.

Him: I could be wrong, maybe it's next week.

Me: I'm sure that's the case. I know for a FACT if they were playing each other I would have heard about this by now from a reliable media source, check your info homes.  

But the effed up part about this was another dude that I talk to on the reg (and happens to be a very knowledgeable fan who realizes we must win and Arkie must beat South Carolina for their hopes to extend by beating us after Thanksgiving, IF we can beat Bama) sits behind me and asked me if I was nervous about tomorrow and I was like, "Yeah a little, the styles are just so similar, I'm just hoping our defense jumps so far on top of them early and shakes the QB's and either they make a big play or put our offense in good situations. Also I feel like JJ will come in on a few packages early and actually run the ball, then all of a sudden come in later and launch that bitch for either huge gains or TD's." 

Then the Tard overheard us and was like "What game are y'all talking about" and before the dude behind me could say anything I was like, "Dallas. Really worried about Dallas/Seattle this week." To which he responded, "Yeah, I hate Dallas too." and I wanted to tell him "I hate you, I hate your overalls, I hate your dingy ass hat and I hate your cheek that's swollen from all your fucking tobacco use." But I'm a nice guy and left it at "Dallas/Seattle this week." 

I know this must have been rude. But 1.) This guy is the epitome of Red Neck dick who looks down on anyone not from Arkansas(and I'll go on record and say right now, most people here are pretty cool, and a lot of people are transplants from out of state so they don't all bleed Arkansas red, hell, a lot of them are Oklahoma Sooner fans since we're right on the Oklahoma border) But this is the type of mother fucker that probably dresses like those Raiders fans that way overdo it. 

He does it because he loves his team, but he has no clue about the outside implications or ramifications from the rest of the SEC. Like he doesn't realize LSU needs to win this game for Arkansas to have any chance. He also made a comment about how he hopes Bama kills us which most true Arkansas fans would find laughable. The only 2 states that should really hate us if they aren't playing LSU should be Oklahoma, Southern California and I saw a poll recently where Maine doesn't like us either. I think it's because the biggest drug dealer in Nantucket, Adam from Real World Vegas, that got his ass kicked off 2 shows in record time....

...must have disliked Dustin Zito(from La) or something and now the whole state holds a grudge. I don't know.  I also happen to know that if anyone wasn't excited about this game since not only months ago, but at the very least, 2 weeks ago when the hype officially kicked off, they are ignorant college football fans who pose to act like they know what the eff is going on. And these people approach me with the topic of football. I can talk to anyone about anything, and I don't mind it either. Shit, I can have a conversation about how global warming is affecting sea cows in south Florida, but I have a hard time interacting with these people when they bring up football, but know absolute shit about it. I wear my fandom on my sleeve. I mean everyone that's around me for more than a few minutes not only knows football is all I think or care about outside of my family, but I rep my teams pretty hard. I sometimes pretend I'm Chris Fowler, and subtly converse with them without putting them down, but you can tell I really want to. 

Or sometimes Herbie, even though I kind of used to hate him for his lack of love for the SEC and he just kind of looks like a Penis Head to be honest. But anyone that starts talking to me about irrelevant CFB talk, I kind of just dismiss them. Not always in a mean way, like if it's a girl who knows a little bit, I don't mind talking to her. But a dude wearing an Arkansas hat that just knows he wants Arkansas to win but has no other clues about whats going on that week, I immediately know I have nothing in common with him. At least in Ohio they love the Buckeyes and they are some of the most knowledgeable fans in the world along with ours(LSU), just thought I'd throw that out there.

Anyway, this is one of, if not the THE biggest games ever. Number 1 vs Number 2. Not like in 2006 where tOSU and Michigan were in a similar situation at the very end of the season (Mainly because that's what the media wanted to see and gave some shitty votes all season long to see that happen) but it ended very soft like terry cloth and the winner gets to do guess what? Play Florida in the National Championship and get embarrassed. HARD. Well this wont be like that. The team that wins this game, should not have trouble being #1 in the nation again, throughout the season. I seriously doubt a team from the SEC East is gonna beat any of us, rather it be LSU/Bama or even Arkansas in the SEC-CG(Since writing this Arky destroyed South Carolina and they might be the most worthy contender in the East. Ain't Happnin Curlahna.). It's just a damn shame this game itself can't be the National Championship. And for the record we have more studs on our defense than Angola has in it's entire prison. 

Very excited about tonight. Just praying for no letdown, but Les has kept this shit in check all week. Even while he was pimpin with Erin Andrews. Dude is just so cool. I'm glad we still have him and that he never bailed for Michigan. He belongs in Baton Rouge, he is the perfect coach for that town and understands the magnitude of his position and doesn't try to downplay it. The Hatter has grown on me a lot since like 2006. He is a brilliant man who doesn't try to hide who he is. He's not the best public speaker, but he's a brilliant coach and recruiter who recognizes his personnel, all their strengths and weaknesses....and he game plans around that. He gambles when he has to, and there is a reason it works out for him most times and people call him lucky. The truth is, he understands the situation and what he's working with and it's almost like he's rolling loaded dice. It's not dumb luck, it's just great coaching and belief in the guys he brought in to play well in these situations that are CRAZY. He thrives off of that and does it consistently well. I really want to hang out with that guy.

I'd love nothing more than to see him make Saban his bitch tonight. Saban left the Black Panthers and Joined the KKK or maybe a better analogy is he left the Crips and joined the Bloods. Or if we're not talking gangsterism, he was a very high ranking US official and started working for the Russians in the Cold War. Fuck. Him. This W means a lot more than just number 1. Whoever wins this is most likely SEC and National Champs. It means finally getting revenge on that fucker for thinking he's better than us. Better than Baton Rouge. He should have came back to a new conference, but I think Karma is what today is about. Beating him with such huge implications would be money. 

Keeping it realer than your homeboy that goes to Ole Miss and is a Die Hard Rebel, but forgot who they're playing this week. 

 

Oh, and I'm gonna go ahead and predict LSU 9- Bama 6, in OT. Leesville's Michael Ford will almost score a TD, but he'll step out of bounds and we'll be forced to kick the FG in the first OT and kick those BamTards ass. Book It! 

Disclaimer: Arkansas has some of the best fans in the world. A lot of them are very knowledgeable and the best thing of all, they are die hard, like just about every fan base in the SEC. They also have a few retards though, but hey, so does LSU(Google Tigerdroppings dot com and look at the Tiger Rant for some good laughs). We have the Rantards at LSU, y'all have the Arktards. This blog isn't meant to insult the great fans of any team, just the hacks who wear the colors because of where they're from but know jack shit about the real situation, yet talk down to other fan bases like they are the VP of the organization. Thank you for reading.  

Motorcycles Change Lives!

"And if you ain't rocking your Harley Davidson gear at church, Jesus is gonna probably hate you." -- Tommy Peek 

I don't know when this shit started, but I'm not the only one noticing it either. Recently it was brought to my attention by someone else that the most normal, middle class, middle of the road married couples are changing their lives at like 55+, buying a motorcycle and then within 2 years they are wearing black leather chaps, a sleeveless Harley Davidson shirt, 22 tats on each arm, one earring in the left ear and a full grown fucking Fu Manchu. Oh and a shaved head in most cases, while the woman will get a tight fade so that the helmet fits her head better. Then his wife gives him a nickname like, I don't know, lets just say "Skid Lid" and she changes her name to "Skid Lids Old Lady." This is becoming so common, I'm sure this might be one of the most related to topics I've ever talked about. If you live in a town with a population of like 15K to about 100K, you'll definitely see this on the reg. One day your mom and dad is Joe and Nancy, retired ROTC Teacher and housewife/homemaker then you might leave for a few years or something and come home and your parents have turned into fucking Clay Morrow and Gemma Teller.
 

 And how the eff is Peggy Bundy gonna just become the most Gangster Bitch in America? 

I remember when it used to be Oprah, everyone wanted to be Oprah. She owns everything, including the letter "O." Like you'll be on Wheel of Fortune and it's your turn and you're all like "OK Pat, I want to buy an O." And instead of them charging you 50 dollars, Pat Sajak is like "Oooh that's gonna cost you 10G's for copyright reasons. But yeah, there are 5 O's.".......... I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat, "Why the fuck are old people on Motorcycles?" That is correct(And I think that phrase has 5 O's, but feel free to call me out if I'm wrong). Now I see women in the Malls and Wal-Marks looking just like Gemma. They don't even buy the Kathy Lee Gifford shit at K-Mart anymore (mostly because there are no more K-marts I guess), but if they did have K-Mart still, the women would be buying the all black gear or going to the men's section and buying shirts that say "Jesus Rides a Harley" or "If you can read this, the bitch fell off lolz." 

But yeah, when did this officially start? I was out of the country from like 03-07 and while in Cleveland until about late 2008 I never really noticed anything. In fact I'm not sure I've ever seen a legit motorcycle gang in my life, like you see on National Geographic or Gangland. I do remember being like 7 and on a road trip to Alabama and saw 13 fat guys riding motorcycles on the highway, so they possibly could have been Hells Angels. It's possible. My Mom certainly told me they were and told me not to look at them or they'd kill us. But now I see groups of 4 or 6 everywhere and 9 times out of 10, they are at least 57 years old. I'm 32 now and I'm starting to understand mid life crisis's a little bit, but shit, I'll never buy a motorcycle. I already know I'm not any good at it because I sit on the mother fucker and I want to start pedaling to keep it upright and from falling. It's hard to imagine you can sit on a 2 wheeled object without pedaling and causing some kind of centripetal force with your feet, and not fall over. The closest I ever got to trying to ride a motorcycle was this one time I jacked this Iraqi dude named Bossom's moped or vespa or whatever the eff it's called.......

......and crashed that bitch into a T-wall and it bounced up and kicked me in the head like a horse probably would have had I forcefully raped him and took him for a ride. Anyway, lesson learned. I knew then motorcycles weren't for me. And the funny thing is one time in like 2002 when I first saw Biker Boyz on HBO I was like "Hmm, that's interesting. Black guys are no longer bloods and crips, they are bikers." And I was thinking of starting a chapter of Biker Boyz in Leesville. I was gonna get JJ to help start it up so we'd have one black guy, myself, I'd be the white guy, and Adam Cito was gonna be our Puerto Rican. But then I realized none of us had motorcycles, none of us knew how to ride motorcycles, (Shit, like 2 months earlier we damn near killed ourselves on Vinson road doing about a hundred and jumped over 1211 in my 95 dodge neon, so imagine us on some Harleys or some yellow ass Honda's), and we didn't really have any Filipinos in Leesville that were willing to follow us around on 4 wheelers while we were out stunting and hustling other biker gangs. Racing them for their helmets. That's how it goes down. 

So I'm guessing it was either "Biker Boyz" or perhaps "Sons of Anarchy" that led to this new trend. And I'll be the first one to admit I love Sons of Anarchy. Easily one of the best non HBO shows on TV. But it's like a gift and a curse. It's like having a huge dick I guess, it's good because it's uhh huge, but bad because it weighs you down when you're running the 40. That's how Sons of Anarchy is, it's good because it's an awesome show, but it's bad because a lot of people are out doing shit they should have did in their 20's.  Not now. Not at 61. If you are eligible for Social Security, you shouldn't be allowed in/on anything but a Buick Park Avenue. 

TRUE STORY:  Over this past summer while me and my wife were in Chicago, some guy asked my dad to work on his motorcycle because my dad is a fucking mechanical genius. My dad helped AC Slater put back together Mr. Belding's car when Jesse's evil stepbrother from New York stripped that bitch into a million pieces. Then Jesse's stepbrother came out from underneath it at the end of the episode and took all the credit.  

ADD Digression. Anyway, so my dad fixed this guys motorcycle and tried to ride it in the back yard, then crashed that bitch sideways, broke his hip, bruised his kidneys, and his neighbor got to watch him do it. 


Now my dad is steady mobbing on one of these.....

It's been a good week. Been passing all my tests, almost finished my paper in Philosophy and have discovered that you used to could just go to work as a philosopher if you couldn't find a job in the 1800's. All these Occupy Wall Street mother fuckers should just become philosophers until they find a real job. Also check out that new trailer for "21 Jump Street" starring Jonah Hill. Not sure where you can find it unless you are following him on Twitter. And he lost a shit ton of weight. Everyone thinks he's this chubby pot-head but dude is about his business and probably one of the hardest working actors/writers in Hollywood. He's like P-diddy except he's not. 

Keeping it realer than your great uncle Brian that just bought a fucking Gold Wing and changed his name to Monster Balls.