How in the eff did you just have that baby?

I am so amazed because I couldn't watch a 2 millimeter stone come out of my dick hole. 

But I watched a damn near 7 pound human being come out of my wife. And she didn't even cry or anything, all she did was rip off my forearms with her finger nails. But she never did yell, cuss or cry. Very effing impressive.  

 

EDGE: FEMALE

when I was a baby I looked really old for my age. People would tell or ask my mom all the time, "Is he like 1 or 2?" and I'd be like "No way man, I'm only zero. I'm still zero and I don't appreciate your rude ass comments."

It came in handy later on though when I was like 18 and shaved my head and bought beer on the reg at GBI without getting carded because they thought I was a GI. And then when I grew my hair out, I'd just drive out to the Texas Ranch on Texas Highway, just out of Leesville. A bar slash drive through liquor store designed for kids who were old enough to drive cars, to buy beer. That was pretty awesome, but I hope to God they don't still have that shit when Mariah turns 15. But it was either that or O-FAB (Operation Find A Blackdude) and that sucks because 9 times out of 10 the black dude wants like 10 dollars extra (Not gonna say any names but it rhymes with Baymond). Or O-FAHG pronounced like "Oh Fag" and that just meant (Operation Find a Homeless Guy).........

........and all they want is a bottle of Boones Farm usually(for 1.99 + tax), BUT there weren't that many homeless people in Leesville. Small towns don't really have homeless people because there is nothing to see or do there for the homeless. If they are out in L.A. or NYC, there is a shit ton of activities for the homeless. Not so much in Leesville. Shit, there really isn't a lot to do when you aren't homeless except for O-FAB or O-FAHG. 

Anyway, back to babies. How the fuck do women do it? I was in the hospital for the most of last month with kidney stones and I heard a thousand people say "Oooh, I feel so bad for you, I hear it's like giving child birth." ....No it's not. It's nothing like child birth. One reason I can think of is that once they get the rock out of my dick, it won't be crying and wanting enfamil on the reg, every 2 hours. It also won't have shitty diapers every 42 minutes. And the biggest stone I've ever passed was precisely 1/100,000th the size of Mariah. Yeah, granted my penis hole is a whole hell of a lot smaller and less flexible than a Vajeen. But after doing all that math which is probably way the fuck off, the edge still goes to the woman.
 

PENIS PICS ARE NOT ALLOWED ON HERE OR I'D SHOW YOU HOW SMALL MY PENIS HOLE IS. BUT I'M NOT BRETT FAVRE OR SENATOR ANTHONY WEINER. SO JUST IMAGINE THAT PICTURE HERE.

But this is me with a kidney stone.....

And this is Melissa with a freaking Baby that's 4 million times bigger....

You may notice the subtle difference of me acting like a little bitch, crying on the couch, and her sitting there smiling at the camera with a human inside of her belly. 

EDGE: WOMEN

Reason 2, in some cases (not all, if you're unlucky like me the stone will turn into Murphy's Law and get in a spot where they can't do hardly anything about it) but most times they can blast the shit out of it and turn it into a bunch of smaller pieces so when you piss them out, it's way smaller. All of them. Well we couldn't very well blast Mariah into a million pieces before Melissa passed her out. So again, edge to the woman. 

EDGE: Who do you think? 

Reason 3, we get some kick ass pain medications. You will hurt about 15-30 minutes legitimately about once every 2.5 hours when the medicine stops working. And yeah, it hurts pretty, NO, very fucking bad until they come with your next shot of Demerol. But women have to sit there anywhere from 4 hours to as long as a week in labor not knowing when exactly the baby is coming, then the Dr. will come in and be like "OK, it's almost time." Then they give you an epidural, just before the little person inside you is about to come out and beat the shit out of your uterus and Vajeena. And then you have it, everyone is celebrating, crying tears of joy, etc. including you, the mother that just shit out an 8 pound human being and you are smiling and praying and thanking God for your miracle. 

Well when I passed my shit, I dropped to my knees and started crying like a little bitch and instead of thanking God for letting me give birth to the stone, I'm telling him "Uhm uh uh I'll never drink another beer again, I'll stop watching Dancing with the stars, I'll quit calling women that can't drive, bitches. Just anything so that this doesn't happen again." Edge once again: Female. 
  

Well obviously I still drink beer, and call non driving females bitches, but I did give up on Dancing with the Stars after Emmitt Smith kicked so much ass on there a few years ago. So yeah, I still get kidney stones. Melissa hasn't gotten a baby stone since May 7, 2010. So she's definitely living better than me. And everyone keeps asking when or if we're gonna have another one. To be honest I'm afraid to bring another baby into this effed up ass world. There's an NBA Lockout, you get fined in the NFL for hitting the Quarterback too hard and Herman Cain sexually harasses people. Like that's something new. Every man, sexually harasses a woman to an extent. Yesterday I asked a chick if I could borrow a pencil, she could have easily misconstrued that if I was a famous politician. Thank God I'm not. Yet.  And if I was Herman Cain, instead of going on Meet the Press and changing his story a few times and then using somewhat of a race card,  I would have been like "Yeah, so? That bitch was fine. All I said was that dress looks good on you girl and she got all offended. You know how bitches act. If they're hot, they get all insulted when a regular ass dude hits on them, but if she was some fat ass skeezer with a mustache and I said the same thing, it wouldn't have been harassment, it would have been a compliment. So yeah, I guess I did sexually harass her. I gave her like 30 G's to shut the fuck up and that was 10 years ago. I'm a changed man now, I don't tell pretty women shit. In fact I'm the opposite to them. Lesson learned." And with that, Herman Cane would still be a front runner with no cracker ass crackers trying to bring him down. This world appreciates honesty. So be honest and maybe you'll be President. Yeah right lolz.

Oh, but back to having another baby? Still don't know. All I know is we practice a lot. And hopefully I'll be ready when that day comes. "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation." That's what Peyton Manning always says. So I'll definitely be prepared. Just have to keep practicing, and practice is a lot of fun. So we'll see. Right now I need to get rich and famous so I can send Mariah and if she has a little brother, to some private catholic school on the East Coast so they can go pro. At Something. Or move back down to Lake Chuck so they can get in PE Gym and start learning how to kick ass like Quay. 

Peace. Have a good rest of the week. We're heading to Dallas to watch them kill Buffalo in a few days. Y'all pray for our trip and my shitty ass kidney that works about as good as the Seattle Seahawks defense. I don't want to end up like Alonzo Mourning. (Google him girls). And this game is huge. We're down 2 games to the Giants and Buffalo is tied with the Jets for 1st, so both teams have a lot to play for. 

Keeping it realer than a pregnant pill head married to an insane clown posse juggalo.