I'm sexy and I know it.

I'll be the first to admit, when these thoughtless songs come out and get a shit ton of radio play like pretty much any Black Eyed Peas song and now LMFAO, I will turn the station. What sucks about that is that the other station is also playing that song. One time for fun I got really drunk and wrote a Black Eyed Peas song in under 5 minutes, and in my humble opinion it was a total club banger. Anyway, I used to hate these songs, but this "I'm sexy and I know it" song gets me krunk as shit. I find myself walking down the aisles at the Wal Marks bobbing my head and saying "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle" and shit like that. It also gets me krunk because that's the only song they played on the reg at the Dallas/Buffalo game a few weeks ago. So that's why I'm writing now. I haven't did a blog in over 2 weeks. Combination of being too busy and lack of material. I was driving back from Dallas almost 2 weeks ago and a lot of funny shit was running through my head but then I got home and forgot all of it. So now I'll try to rehash some of my thoughts I had planned on writing weeks ago. I guess I'll call this one "Shit I learned at the Dallas game". 

1.) Jerry has built a force field around the stadium. You can't hear anything when you are in the parking lot. Shit, you can't even hear anything while you are showing your ticket and being searched like you are about to fly on a plane. BUT, the very minute you go through those metal gates, all of a sudden a party is roaring. You hear "I'm sexy and I know it" and you see thousands of Miller Lite girls dancing and the Dallas Cowgirls staring at you like they want to bang you. 

Or maybe that was just me. But they also have like 2 million and 47 hundred thousand beer venders running up to you trying to sell you those miller lite 16oz pints for a very cheap $7.50.

ANOTHER FUN FACT: No other beer is sold in the Dallas Stadium. It's either Miller Lite, or go fuck yourself. But they do have quite an assortment of mixed drinks and hard liquor which is also nice. It's just weird though, you are sitting like 2 inches from this metal entrance bar and it's almost silent, but the second you walk through it, it's just straight madness but in a good way. It's like a party heaven and once St. Peter checks your ticket, the party begins. 

2.) Melissa can't drink. She's drank like 4 oz of alcohol in her entire life and that's a good thing. She is the Yin to my Yang. She drinks like one sip of amaretto sour and turns bright red and calls it a day. Well she saw this chick selling these 2 feet tall glasses of what looked like smoothies so she went and bought it. She then asked me if I thought it tasted funny. And I was like "No, not if you ordered a fucking frozen long island ice tea." It was the most potent form of frozen alcohol I've ever tasted. Every sip made me want to dance even more to "I'm sexy and I know it" than I already was. It's pretty hilarious that they market this drink to naive, non alcoholic beverage drinkers but it has the equivalent of an entire bar inside of it. lolz Good times. 

3.) Once in the stadium it's like the Mecca. I started these Gregorian chants except they weren't religious. I was just chanting shit like "Jesus Loves The Cow--Boyyyyssss." You could feel the presence of God in the stadium. Then I noticed something else that was fucking awesome. People really wear those high heeled Jordans.

It's not just some useless tag that all my black friends on facebook receive. Oh, but it was an Asian chick wearing them. I even stopped and asked "Umm excuse me, but did you buy those from Facebook?" and she looked at me like I was George Bush asking her to go fight in Iraq. It sucked. 

4.) Not all people from Jersey talk like they're from Jersey. We had the coolest people ever sitting next to us and they were life long Cowboys fans that live in umm Jersey. They ruled.

THEY DIDN'T LOOK LIKE GORILLA JUICE HEADS

That's for sure.......

5.) At one point, when I started yelling in jest about Buffalo's QB that attended an Ivy League school for those of you weirdos that don't follow football, I said "Yo Fitzy, show dese cow todds how we used to do it at Hahvud." and the Jersey guys laughed at me and gave me a huge high 5. God it was awesome. I could have died right then. Because Fitzy also got sacked while I was saying it. And I got a laugh from some Jersey Boys. It's funny, but I lived my whole life in the south, but I have a very good rapport with Yankees for some reason. Weird. Oh and I also get along really well with Gangster Ass black dudes, Filipinos, Iraqis, red heads, Puerto Ricans, Guatamalans, fat guys and rich guys from rich places that I've never been. Funny because I'm a broke ass southern boy.

6.) I always knew this(that last call is the 3rd quarter or 7th inning), but I didn't realize what time it was, but it was late in the 3rd quarter. I went to buy a Miller Lite by default and they were like "NO, we just quit selling it." so I was like......

  
7.) Buffalo fans are very cool and they are great losers. I mean, who else has lost as much as they have in big games so they are totally used to it. I was talking so much shit on Saturday at bars and stuff to Buffalo fans but instead of getting mad, they'd just say "Ahh yeah, we'll probably lose." again I was like.....

But they never got mad. Shit, just yesterday my Dad kicked me out of his house because I was laughing every time Tyler Wilson got sacked by LSU(he's a huge Arktard and I am not for the record) so I admire that about them(The Great Buffalo Losers). Oh and My dad disowned me in the 1st quarter. He had a hit put out on me by the 2nd quarter. He hates me now I think. Hopefully we'll make up before Arkansas gets to play in the Capitol One bowl in Orlando while we are kicking ass in the National Championship game.  


L O Mother Fucking L at you Arktards for thinking you had a chance. I kept my mouth shut at school all week just saying shit like "Oh yeah, it will be a good/close game lolz" but I wanted to say exactly what ended up happening. I didn't have to be Miss Cleo to see that but.... I'm just too nice and too much of a pussy to offend people in person. That's why I do it on here instead. 


So that's about it. Dallas is in 1st. LSU is also in 1st. Arkansas is very soft like terry cloth and I still shake my ass when I hear "I'm sexy and I know it!" all FACT! 

Also, the trailer hasn't been released yet, but if you want to see the baddest movie poster ever released.....here it goes!

Expendables 2 Baby. At a theater near you in the summer of 12. The only action star that's missing in this one is Josh Quayhagen. And IMO they should use Danny Boy as the guy who gets all the girls and starts all the parties. I should be the guy that talks all the shit and lets the expendables kick ass for me. We'll see. 

Stay Up! have a good after Thanksgiving week. It's officially Christmas now so you can decorate without being judged by assholes. Read my shit. Subscribe. Comment. Do work!