Motorcycles Change Lives!

"And if you ain't rocking your Harley Davidson gear at church, Jesus is gonna probably hate you." -- Tommy Peek 

I don't know when this shit started, but I'm not the only one noticing it either. Recently it was brought to my attention by someone else that the most normal, middle class, middle of the road married couples are changing their lives at like 55+, buying a motorcycle and then within 2 years they are wearing black leather chaps, a sleeveless Harley Davidson shirt, 22 tats on each arm, one earring in the left ear and a full grown fucking Fu Manchu. Oh and a shaved head in most cases, while the woman will get a tight fade so that the helmet fits her head better. Then his wife gives him a nickname like, I don't know, lets just say "Skid Lid" and she changes her name to "Skid Lids Old Lady." This is becoming so common, I'm sure this might be one of the most related to topics I've ever talked about. If you live in a town with a population of like 15K to about 100K, you'll definitely see this on the reg. One day your mom and dad is Joe and Nancy, retired ROTC Teacher and housewife/homemaker then you might leave for a few years or something and come home and your parents have turned into fucking Clay Morrow and Gemma Teller.
 

 And how the eff is Peggy Bundy gonna just become the most Gangster Bitch in America? 

I remember when it used to be Oprah, everyone wanted to be Oprah. She owns everything, including the letter "O." Like you'll be on Wheel of Fortune and it's your turn and you're all like "OK Pat, I want to buy an O." And instead of them charging you 50 dollars, Pat Sajak is like "Oooh that's gonna cost you 10G's for copyright reasons. But yeah, there are 5 O's.".......... I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat, "Why the fuck are old people on Motorcycles?" That is correct(And I think that phrase has 5 O's, but feel free to call me out if I'm wrong). Now I see women in the Malls and Wal-Marks looking just like Gemma. They don't even buy the Kathy Lee Gifford shit at K-Mart anymore (mostly because there are no more K-marts I guess), but if they did have K-Mart still, the women would be buying the all black gear or going to the men's section and buying shirts that say "Jesus Rides a Harley" or "If you can read this, the bitch fell off lolz." 

But yeah, when did this officially start? I was out of the country from like 03-07 and while in Cleveland until about late 2008 I never really noticed anything. In fact I'm not sure I've ever seen a legit motorcycle gang in my life, like you see on National Geographic or Gangland. I do remember being like 7 and on a road trip to Alabama and saw 13 fat guys riding motorcycles on the highway, so they possibly could have been Hells Angels. It's possible. My Mom certainly told me they were and told me not to look at them or they'd kill us. But now I see groups of 4 or 6 everywhere and 9 times out of 10, they are at least 57 years old. I'm 32 now and I'm starting to understand mid life crisis's a little bit, but shit, I'll never buy a motorcycle. I already know I'm not any good at it because I sit on the mother fucker and I want to start pedaling to keep it upright and from falling. It's hard to imagine you can sit on a 2 wheeled object without pedaling and causing some kind of centripetal force with your feet, and not fall over. The closest I ever got to trying to ride a motorcycle was this one time I jacked this Iraqi dude named Bossom's moped or vespa or whatever the eff it's called.......

......and crashed that bitch into a T-wall and it bounced up and kicked me in the head like a horse probably would have had I forcefully raped him and took him for a ride. Anyway, lesson learned. I knew then motorcycles weren't for me. And the funny thing is one time in like 2002 when I first saw Biker Boyz on HBO I was like "Hmm, that's interesting. Black guys are no longer bloods and crips, they are bikers." And I was thinking of starting a chapter of Biker Boyz in Leesville. I was gonna get JJ to help start it up so we'd have one black guy, myself, I'd be the white guy, and Adam Cito was gonna be our Puerto Rican. But then I realized none of us had motorcycles, none of us knew how to ride motorcycles, (Shit, like 2 months earlier we damn near killed ourselves on Vinson road doing about a hundred and jumped over 1211 in my 95 dodge neon, so imagine us on some Harleys or some yellow ass Honda's), and we didn't really have any Filipinos in Leesville that were willing to follow us around on 4 wheelers while we were out stunting and hustling other biker gangs. Racing them for their helmets. That's how it goes down. 

So I'm guessing it was either "Biker Boyz" or perhaps "Sons of Anarchy" that led to this new trend. And I'll be the first one to admit I love Sons of Anarchy. Easily one of the best non HBO shows on TV. But it's like a gift and a curse. It's like having a huge dick I guess, it's good because it's uhh huge, but bad because it weighs you down when you're running the 40. That's how Sons of Anarchy is, it's good because it's an awesome show, but it's bad because a lot of people are out doing shit they should have did in their 20's.  Not now. Not at 61. If you are eligible for Social Security, you shouldn't be allowed in/on anything but a Buick Park Avenue. 

TRUE STORY:  Over this past summer while me and my wife were in Chicago, some guy asked my dad to work on his motorcycle because my dad is a fucking mechanical genius. My dad helped AC Slater put back together Mr. Belding's car when Jesse's evil stepbrother from New York stripped that bitch into a million pieces. Then Jesse's stepbrother came out from underneath it at the end of the episode and took all the credit.  

ADD Digression. Anyway, so my dad fixed this guys motorcycle and tried to ride it in the back yard, then crashed that bitch sideways, broke his hip, bruised his kidneys, and his neighbor got to watch him do it. 


Now my dad is steady mobbing on one of these.....

It's been a good week. Been passing all my tests, almost finished my paper in Philosophy and have discovered that you used to could just go to work as a philosopher if you couldn't find a job in the 1800's. All these Occupy Wall Street mother fuckers should just become philosophers until they find a real job. Also check out that new trailer for "21 Jump Street" starring Jonah Hill. Not sure where you can find it unless you are following him on Twitter. And he lost a shit ton of weight. Everyone thinks he's this chubby pot-head but dude is about his business and probably one of the hardest working actors/writers in Hollywood. He's like P-diddy except he's not. 

Keeping it realer than your great uncle Brian that just bought a fucking Gold Wing and changed his name to Monster Balls.