Uh Hi, I just flew in from LA and boy are my arms tired!

whacka! whacka!

"ha ha very funny motha fucka!" "That shit ain't funny playboy!" "Give me my refund bitch!"

Stand up comedy. Easily the most stressful job in the world as far as I'm concerned. I'd rather be in a shootout with 50 Iraqi insurgents than to be on stage in front of 50 mother  fuckers that are just sitting there, waiting on you to make them laugh. It's almost as stressful as being at Subway at lunch time and there is a line of like 7 people behind you. That is HUGE pressure.

You're all like "Uh turkey, no uh ham, oh the bread, shit, what kind of bread do you guys have again?" And everyone behind you is looking at you like you're a white dude that just dropped the N bomb at a black church. Straight up disappointment and failure.  

And you're just ordering a sammich. It's that much worse on a stage where people paid 10 dollars plus a 2 drink minimum so they can pretty much heckle you and tell you how funny you aren't. So I just wanted to throw this out there. I recently met up with a comedian and he asked me why I don't try some of my written material for shits and giggles and the answer is simple. Because I'm a big pussy. I'm scared to death to be on stage. Even more scared of failure and rejection. 

So how do I overcome this fear? It's something I've always wanted to do. I had Eddie Murphy's Delirious and Raw memorized word for word by the time I was 11. I'd stay up late and watch those 30 minute stand-up specials on HBO but some of those sucked. Like remember Sinbad for instance? lolz

Now, I'm really trying to talk myself into going into an open mic night and seeing if I have the balls to pull off 5 minutes of material. I was told recently by a famous comedian that I won't name because I don't want to look like a dick that's doing big thangs and meeting important people even though I am meeting famous people and I am a dick and hope to do big thangs. But he told me he writes like 2-4 hours of material almost daily, and at the end of the week, he may use 5 minutes of it. That really does nothing to build my confidence. OK so enough of that. I might do it, might not. We'll see. 

But what has been bothering me lately are certain kinds of gay people. I've noticed that here in Western Arkansas and Eastern Oklahoma that there are a lot of fat gay white guys but they talk like fat black girls. I don't understand that. Again, nothing wrong with homodom from me? Do what you do, love who you're gonna love. But why do you have to talk like Monique when you look like Ralphie May? It's rampant around here. I guess ultimately I don't really have a problem with it or anything, I just find it funny and kind of odd. Whatever though. Do what you do Play uhh boy I guess.  

And last thing, I was thinking that if I was gonna do a stand up act, I'd do like 5 minutes about how I caught the Dos Equis guy doing shit that wasn't interesting. Like instead of swimming with sharks, I caught him floating on a boogie board in 2 inches of water. Or instead of sitting in the hot tub with 5 chicks being admired, I caught him dropping an accidental deuce that became a floater and the hoes had to break for it. Or instead of drinking dos equis, I catch his ass drinking that fake miller lite that the bartenders make fun of you for. Oh and also I'll catch him buying weed like he's a pro, but can't roll the joint and then asks some black dude to do it and the black dude will be insulted like "Bitch, just because I'm black I know how to roll a joint, you fuckin racist!" and Dos Equis guy will get punked the eff out. Then he gets pulled over for swerving and the cop will be like "Sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?" and he'd be like "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, ahh shit, I only had like one beer 2 hours ago officer." Because that's what all you drunk ass DWI having penis heads say to the cops. 

Gotta go. It's Friday. My beard is getting thick. And I'm keeping it realer than your great aunt stealing your other great aunts bingo cards and blaming your old ass Uncle Harold. 

Before I go, check out my boy from Leesville, WAP100. He's been doing his thing for a long minute and hustles hard. This is one of his older tracks but I was feeling it so I wanted to show him some love on here.