Drive for show, Putt for dough.

Probably the funniest scene from the Sopranos ever, was when Tony went to a Golf Course to strong arm Dr. John Kennedy because he'd been ducking Uncle Juniors phone calls (lolz Uncle Junior used him because he was a big fan of President Kennedy and even though the guy was a complete dick, Junior Soprano thought he was like Jesus just because of his namesake) and during the course of the intimidation, Furio.....

(Tonys number one enforcer at the time) Took out a golf club from Dr. Kennedy's bag and Dr. Kennedy was like "oh, do you like Golf?" and Furio responded in his thick Italian accent "Estupid efucking game!" I was like "YES! Exactly"

Golf is clearly not my sport. I love any competition. I watch poker on ESPN2. Table Tennis whenever it's on. Jeopardy(especially when Ken Jennings was kicking ass) it hasn't been the same since.

but I still watch it. I'll sometimes watch over-hyped WNBA games. Of course I watch every NFL, CFB and arena league games I can find. College Basketball and NBA(til these effing crybabies make a season happen), I watch weird shit late at night on ESPN Channels like The deuce, classics, spanish etc. I watch a lot of weird shit. As long as there are points. Life is all about competition and points. Now with Golf, it is in deed competition, but the points go backwards. It's already weird for me because the person with the least amount of points win. I hate that shit. I also hate that I suck at golf, one of my best friends Clint Skinner is awesome at it and I respect that, but I still hate this stupid fucking game.I try to act cool and act like I know whats up when people are talking, but most times I'm reading mobile results from the intrawebz just so I sound in the know.

THE NEGATIVES: I'll never rub elbows with rich, oligarchy types that run the world because I refuse to develop a golf game when there is so much other shit going on for me.  I admittedly know I'm in the minority and a lot of you that read this, love it and all of my friends that read this know that I've tried and sucked. Maybe that's why I hate it. My first experience came with Aaron Woods at a 9-hole course in Jennings, LA with him and his late, great Step dad Ricky, which I appreciated because it was a legit lesson and they really tried to teach me how to play, it just wasn't in the cards for a non golfing mother effer like me....and I don't think I hit a straight ball the entire time, so Ricky was like, yeah, stick with football. I go to putt putt golf courses and fucking tee off on the first whole with the putter and the white ball and drive that bitch to the moon. Way better than I can when actually driving on the course. Once I got us kicked out of the putt-putt course in Galveston for rocking that bitch like 300 yds with the putter and then having to go tell the guy I lost my ball(umm 4 times because I just kept doing it on the reg, but I told him I think my ball keeps getting stuck in hole 1, like a mouse must be in there or something) They kicked us out eventually. I guess I forgot to yell "fore", or "Four", I'm still not sure the correct spelling of that. Then this fat fucking guy with 2 kids said I was a real asshole for teeing off like that in putt putt to which I replied, "you're just jealous because I'm the amazing golf ball whacker guy."  And he got froggy, so then I'm over at the batting cages with my shirt off thinking about how am I gonna kick this guys ass that outweighs me by like like 70 lbs and 10 years(and he must have been a dick to want to fight in front of his kids.) I'd never fight in front of Mariah unless Melissa steals the last piece of cornbread. Good times.  I think I really pissed Clint, Jack and Martin Driscoll off that night until I went to the batting cages and started letting the ball hit me in the face like in "Happy Gilmore" and I was like EEE-YESSS, that hurt a little bit, but I'm ok. "364 more days til hockey practice I have to toughen up."

All was forgiven and we shared some lolz which was way better than Golf. But that's pretty much been my experience with Golf. I don't know shit about it and I just disappear when big wigs at work are talking about it. I'll never fit in that way. My only hope at success is for this blog thing to blow up and buy me a foot in the door for some comedic writers that hopefully don't play golf, or I can become smarter and sexier. Both are highly unlikely but crazier things have happened. Like Mother Fucking Hot Air Ballons. Those things are nutts!

OK. so for the rest of this I'm going old school random. No points. No agendas. Just shit that's current events, pop culture, Yahoo front page etc. I'll drop a note and who knows what else and umm yeah. 

1.) Serious issues today/yesterday, Qaddafi got his grape busted. Oh well thought he was dead or captured since like August. One of those things I hear on TV and think, "Thought that shit has been over. Oh well I have more pressing issues!" Oh and when I was a kid and he was still a tyrant, I'd watch the world news at like 7/8 years old which was mid to late 80's then he bombed that plane Pan Am flight 103, I learned then that we could take out these evil dictators but as long as the US still had an agenda with them, they would be protected. The Scotts ran a harsh investigation and let the main terrorist go. I learned at a young age, politics is more than becoming President. It's running these fucked up countries until we don't need their dictators anymore. Oh and I thought his name was Boomar Gaddafi lolz. Boomar was a pretty effing cool name. Too bad it wasn't his. 


2.) If you get pulled over for weaving and a cop asks you to say your ABC's backwards just tell them that Mike Hicks's dad Red would be like, Say your dame ABC's Backurds, bitch. Just because. Red don't like cops either. He's always arguing with them over tickets and once I even watched him punk a state trooper out. It was awesome. Oh and my dad thinks the people occupying Wall Street are a bunch of hippies that all they did was play the God Damn Intenda(Nintendo) their whole life and this is why they can't find jobs. Never mind most of them have master degrees, but dammit, too much Intenda is what fucked em. 

3.) Our neighbor, well not ours exactly he lives about 4 houses up next to my aunt. He's gonna chloroform my cousin Billy one day and bury him in his basement. It scares me, but we know this guy is a legit psycho. At least Billy is aware of the situation and hopefully he'll escape with his life when that day comes. So yeah. 

4.) Yahoo had an article about how to cut 7,000 calories from your diet. I also had an idea. Stop eating 7,000 calories for your diet everyday, you fucking butthole.

If you walk on a treadmill like fat people do at .00001 mph on a 1 inch incline, you can still not only ruin the treadmill for me (When it's the last one in the gym), where I gets legit and try to do intervals that make professional boxers throw up...but I have to wait for Big 4hunned to finish her 2 hour stroll walking at a snails pace that she could do back n fourth in her living room. But you can still be fat and cut 4 calories a week from your routine and every bit helps. Do your thang. Oh, and we used to have these 2 fat women that swam at our pool in our apartment in Cleveland. That one summer me and Melissa wasn't doing anything except for planning our wedding and kind of taking some time off, so we had a tight routine where we'd play like 2 hours of tennis, then run for like 3 miles afterwards, do a tight arm work out at the playground and wind down by going swimming. From like 11am til 12pm it was adult swim, then all these booger eating morons would show up and you'd have to leave. But for that hour we shared the pool with what we called the "Weight Lifter Sisters", 2 broads that weighed like 220+ and carried these water/sponge weights across the pool in a very slow motion.

Then one of their husbands was scuba Steve. Dude was 60 and would straight wear his snorkel and mask and swim laps underwater, back and fourth.

It made it hard for me and Melissa to swim laps and eventually Melissa got tired of going because of the Weight Lifter Sisters and Scuba Steve, so one day I was just down there chillin trying to get a tan and Weight Lifter Sister one befriended me and started talking to me. She was telling me of her fall home in the Myrtles in the Carolinas. She told me she surfed in her off season. I'm not the most skeptical person in the world but watching her bounce back and fourth across about 10 meters of swimming pool barely able to breath from her "water weights" I wanted to call bullshit, bad. Instead all that came out was "Oh yeah, I rob Ahhmud cahs in Charlestown Boston in the off season. Then I put the whole town in my rear view!" Good times. 

5.) Have a good weekend. Thanks for all your inputs, but the best advice is "I'm just gonna be me." I'm gonna write the same random shit I've been doing for years. May start out with a legit premise then take you miles away from that topic. But that's just what I do. 

Keeping it realer than your old ass neighbor that just moved in 4 months ago and needs help everyday and wants you to go into his basement so he can kill you. Just don't go into the basement or attic. And Pray for my cousin Billy til this weirdo leaves him the eff alone. He waved at me one day and I was like "Uh, my arm is hurt, can't wave, but hope your having a stupendous day." That's how you handle serial killers.