And Randall Smith. I hate to think Mr. Randall knows how filthy I sometimes talk. I respect him more than just about any man on this earth. But if he reads this, I hope he kind of ignores the profanity and laughs at me. And he has the best laugh ever!
I still do have a conscious. I try to live right and I won't curse around my daughter or in public on the reg, just in my car while I'm yelling at snatchfaces that can't drive, but I still feel bad about cussing on here and knowing people I really respect like Debbie Smith, Penny Scogin or Mrs. Self might be reading this. But they know me and they know my heart is good and my mouth is bad. I try to tone it down drastically by saying Eff, Effing etc. instead of just Fuck. So I'm trying. And when I flip people off, I use my pinky instead of my middle finger.
TRUE STORY: I used to pretend I was doing stand up comedy in the shower, like how some people sing in the shower, I just tell jokes and pretend everyone is laughing. Then I'd be like, man I can't tell that joke, the whole First Baptist Church will hate me.
Hopefully they realize now that cussing is like tattoos, almost everyone does it. May not be pretty, but it's just something that's so common, it's hard to stop. And lets face it, some jokes just aren't as funny without saying umm effing. Like Bill Cosby wasn't as funny as Eddie Murphy because, well Eddie Murphy could have never said a cuss word and still been funnier so that's a bad example. But that's a point I'm trying to make. Sometimes bad words add to the emotion of a joke and they are necessary. Whatever I have to tell myself. But at least I don't murder people and sale cocaine on the reg, so I'm doing something right. But when Mariah gets like 13 and she says "Dammit", I'm gonna wash her mouth out with broccoli, cuz she hates that shit.
Anyway, this one has to be short. Just trying to stay ahead of the game and I have to keep banging these out so my numbers stay up, I get famous, I buy an Escalade. And every pair of Jordans they ever made, even though I stopped rocking them like 3 years ago. Shit, Christmas of 09 I wanted a PS3 and Melissa kept telling me "Ooh, you're gonna love what I got you. You're gonna love what I got you etc." since like November. So I just knew I was getting a PS3!
Got a pair of some fucking throwback Jordans. Oh, they were still tight and they were my favorite ones ever made.
But I was like, how the eff am I gonna play Madden 10 on these? Plus I bought her like a laptop or something and some jewelry and I'd been dropping hints since like 2007 I wanted a PS3, but she's right. I only play that shit for a week and it's dust. But I was disappointed. I even admitted my disappointment which was a penis move. Normally I'll never look a gift horse in the mouth. But c'mon son. I needed a PS3 and shit. I didn't get my Intenda til the Super Intenda came out. I didn't get a Play Station 1 til like dream cast, Nintendo 64 and probably 4 other games came out. Then I had me a good job in like 02 and got one of the first PS2s. I stayed on Grand Theft Auto for like 6 months, just jacking cars and beating up hookers, and obtaining AK's and just shooting random people. I never even beat the game, nor understood the premise. I just like committing crimes without having to go to court or the pokey. Oh and I'd taunt the Police so I could outrun them. If life was like Grand Theft Auto, I might actually try being a criminal because the Po Po never caught me. Never.
Then I got bored with it, and I'd create these Super Madden Teams, because like in 02-04 you could create your own player and have 100 percent attributes for all the players you create, meaning you could create the perfect body with 100 percent speed, 100 percent agility, 100 percent intelligence, 100 percent strength etc. I basically created the entire Leesville Wampus Cat team from my Sophomore year(Superdome Team) and made us the Dallas Cowboys. The only difference was instead of me being a back up behind Sigi Milerski at Blood D-End and a back-up Tight End behind Trey Tindoll, I made myself the starting QB and I could run faster than Michael Vick and throw like a fucking Greek God if Greek Gods played football.
Oh and any of y'all Sr's on that Superdome team, remember when I used to have to run the plays in at TE being just a scary ass sophomore on the switch? LOL I probably mis-relayed the plays to J Green at least 35 times. But it all worked out because instead of a 58 sweep to Cecil, it would just be a 59 and he'd still get like 92 yards and a TD. No biggie. One time I think I told Jason a pass play though when it was like 3rd and 1 and luckily he caught my mistake or Danny would have pissed in my helmet and benched me for the rest of the year.
Anyway, back to the video game shit. I ended every game with like 600 rushing yds by myself on like 8 carries and 8 TD's on the ground and then I'd throw for another 2 thousand or so yds to Marcus Thurman, Greg Burns, Xavier Burrell, Jerry Haynes, Jason Self, and Jason Green since he got booted from QB because I was way more talented in that game for some reason. I effing ruled. But it gets boring when you go undefeated and you have a perfect QB rating and the stats get fucked up and stop tracking because you are in the 70 thousands on every category. And I played Corner Back too and had something like 15 picks in one game. I'd play 15 minute quarters and use one controller, I'd switch them for both teams. Like I'd get the other team and throw the ball right to myself while I was playing defense. Then once my stats were one hunned, I'd let Greg Rone and Ced Clemons get like 200 sacks and shit, Sorry Sigi, you kind of got left out because you were at D-End and the ball just really didn't come your way, but even still you had some pro bowl stats by today's standards. Oh and I'd throw these like 128 Y seems to Trey Tindoll and he'd avg like 8 catches for 150 yds and 2-3 TDs. The scores would be ridiculous. I'd even let Mr. All American Special Teamer Charlie Miller return punts for like 108 yds a pop. He had a crazy avg. Like whatever the record for the longest kick off and punt return was, Charlie averaged that number. And for good measure I'd get him like 5,000 sacks. So he was also pro bowl worthy. But yeah, that all got boring and I never touched my PS2 again. That's why Melis won't buy me anymore gaming systems.....til she totally redeemed herself and bought me the old Intenda/Super Intenda and Sega Genesis all in one a few months ago. Cool Story Bro.
Anyway, tonight is a date night. Have to watch Grays Ontonomy and I owe it to her cuz I've been hustlin so hard and going hard in the paint I've been neglecting the love of my life. Can't take that for granted. She's the only reason I'm driven for success anyway. I want her to caress my biceps and tell me how not fat they are while I watch that shitty ass shit show.
Oh but also about my shitty fucking day. Got up at like 4:20 this morning (and no wake and bake you fucking pot heads) I don't smoke that shit. It makes you grow man tits, or I probably would. Anyway, studied hard. Left like 22 tweets on twitter. 4 facebook status updates(always looking for the lolz) My goal is like 8 comments and 15 likes and I call it a success. Fixed my schedule for next semester which took me just short of a week, then had to go to class all morning, take a test at around noonish, and then do a paper after that for 3+ hours and go see my adviser that thinks I'm a complete tard because I never come prepared, but the jokes on her, because she has to do extra work, I don't have to do shit. And what can she do? Get Mad! that's it. Anyway, I've been pissing blood for like 2 weeks since the kidney stone saga and I've turned anemic. I feel like I guess you could say "very soft like terry cloth", even though I can't fucking stand to use that to describe myself because y'all know how hard I go. I do hard shit. All the time. Always being Gangster, never posing. I see old men at gas stations and mean mug the fuck out of them til they stop looking at me.
They know whats up. So today, all this shit happens, then the Dr calls and orders some medicine for me at Walgreen's. Like all things that start with Wal, they can fuck up a wet dream. I've never been to the Wal Marks and had a good experience, so why should Wal-Greens be any different. Anyway, this fucking butthole asked me if I wanted a Flu shot and I was like "No, Dick!" except it was more like "um no sir, I think I'm good." But you know the only time I ever got the flu, it was when I got a fucking flu shot, that's when. Anyway, it only injects you with the flu so that you don't get the flu. Lot of fucking sense that makes. Ima start just injecting mother fuckers with AIDS and Cancer so they won't get AIDS and Cancer. Seems logical enough.
Oh and this effing Dick Nut bought 14 bottles of sprite in front of me while I'm trying to pay for my medicine. Who the fuck needs 14 2 liter bottles of sprite? And this Pharmtard checking us out didn't think to scan one bottle and multiply it times 14. He just straight scanned each one, then he's like "Whoops, I think I mis-counted, better start over." I had a lot of other negative shit happen today too. It was 44 degrees, raining, had to walk all over campus at every angle. Only when it rains, shit like that happens. So today I'm just hating on everybody. That's all this is about. If HBO reads this, they'll be like, what a fucking jerk off that never takes work off, but baby I got a plan. And Kanye has been going hard lately too. Been listening to his old shit and it keeps me feeling just the right amount of real. Not mad enough to commit road rage on these pecker woods that drive like Keiths Asian wife LC(BOOM!) but mad enough to talk shit and yell at them for no reason. It keeps me balanced.
Since this blog is basically about nothing and I'm doing it in about 3 minutes. Just gonna throw some important things in here real quick.
3rd: SHOWS NOT TO WATCH(in no particular order) 
I still do have a conscious. I try to live right and I won't curse around my daughter or in public on the reg, just in my car while I'm yelling at snatchfaces that can't drive, but I still feel bad about cussing on here and knowing people I really respect like Debbie Smith, Penny Scogin or Mrs. Self might be reading this. But they know me and they know my heart is good and my mouth is bad. I try to tone it down drastically by saying Eff, Effing etc. instead of just Fuck. So I'm trying. And when I flip people off, I use my pinky instead of my middle finger.
TRUE STORY: I used to pretend I was doing stand up comedy in the shower, like how some people sing in the shower, I just tell jokes and pretend everyone is laughing. Then I'd be like, man I can't tell that joke, the whole First Baptist Church will hate me.
Hopefully they realize now that cussing is like tattoos, almost everyone does it. May not be pretty, but it's just something that's so common, it's hard to stop. And lets face it, some jokes just aren't as funny without saying umm effing. Like Bill Cosby wasn't as funny as Eddie Murphy because, well Eddie Murphy could have never said a cuss word and still been funnier so that's a bad example. But that's a point I'm trying to make. Sometimes bad words add to the emotion of a joke and they are necessary. Whatever I have to tell myself. But at least I don't murder people and sale cocaine on the reg, so I'm doing something right. But when Mariah gets like 13 and she says "Dammit", I'm gonna wash her mouth out with broccoli, cuz she hates that shit.
Anyway, this one has to be short. Just trying to stay ahead of the game and I have to keep banging these out so my numbers stay up, I get famous, I buy an Escalade. And every pair of Jordans they ever made, even though I stopped rocking them like 3 years ago. Shit, Christmas of 09 I wanted a PS3 and Melissa kept telling me "Ooh, you're gonna love what I got you. You're gonna love what I got you etc." since like November. So I just knew I was getting a PS3!
Got a pair of some fucking throwback Jordans. Oh, they were still tight and they were my favorite ones ever made.
Then I got bored with it, and I'd create these Super Madden Teams, because like in 02-04 you could create your own player and have 100 percent attributes for all the players you create, meaning you could create the perfect body with 100 percent speed, 100 percent agility, 100 percent intelligence, 100 percent strength etc. I basically created the entire Leesville Wampus Cat team from my Sophomore year(Superdome Team) and made us the Dallas Cowboys. The only difference was instead of me being a back up behind Sigi Milerski at Blood D-End and a back-up Tight End behind Trey Tindoll, I made myself the starting QB and I could run faster than Michael Vick and throw like a fucking Greek God if Greek Gods played football.
Oh and any of y'all Sr's on that Superdome team, remember when I used to have to run the plays in at TE being just a scary ass sophomore on the switch? LOL I probably mis-relayed the plays to J Green at least 35 times. But it all worked out because instead of a 58 sweep to Cecil, it would just be a 59 and he'd still get like 92 yards and a TD. No biggie. One time I think I told Jason a pass play though when it was like 3rd and 1 and luckily he caught my mistake or Danny would have pissed in my helmet and benched me for the rest of the year.
Anyway, back to the video game shit. I ended every game with like 600 rushing yds by myself on like 8 carries and 8 TD's on the ground and then I'd throw for another 2 thousand or so yds to Marcus Thurman, Greg Burns, Xavier Burrell, Jerry Haynes, Jason Self, and Jason Green since he got booted from QB because I was way more talented in that game for some reason. I effing ruled. But it gets boring when you go undefeated and you have a perfect QB rating and the stats get fucked up and stop tracking because you are in the 70 thousands on every category. And I played Corner Back too and had something like 15 picks in one game. I'd play 15 minute quarters and use one controller, I'd switch them for both teams. Like I'd get the other team and throw the ball right to myself while I was playing defense. Then once my stats were one hunned, I'd let Greg Rone and Ced Clemons get like 200 sacks and shit, Sorry Sigi, you kind of got left out because you were at D-End and the ball just really didn't come your way, but even still you had some pro bowl stats by today's standards. Oh and I'd throw these like 128 Y seems to Trey Tindoll and he'd avg like 8 catches for 150 yds and 2-3 TDs. The scores would be ridiculous. I'd even let Mr. All American Special Teamer Charlie Miller return punts for like 108 yds a pop. He had a crazy avg. Like whatever the record for the longest kick off and punt return was, Charlie averaged that number. And for good measure I'd get him like 5,000 sacks. So he was also pro bowl worthy. But yeah, that all got boring and I never touched my PS2 again. That's why Melis won't buy me anymore gaming systems.....til she totally redeemed herself and bought me the old Intenda/Super Intenda and Sega Genesis all in one a few months ago. Cool Story Bro.
Anyway, tonight is a date night. Have to watch Grays Ontonomy and I owe it to her cuz I've been hustlin so hard and going hard in the paint I've been neglecting the love of my life. Can't take that for granted. She's the only reason I'm driven for success anyway. I want her to caress my biceps and tell me how not fat they are while I watch that shitty ass shit show.
Oh but also about my shitty fucking day. Got up at like 4:20 this morning (and no wake and bake you fucking pot heads) I don't smoke that shit. It makes you grow man tits, or I probably would. Anyway, studied hard. Left like 22 tweets on twitter. 4 facebook status updates(always looking for the lolz) My goal is like 8 comments and 15 likes and I call it a success. Fixed my schedule for next semester which took me just short of a week, then had to go to class all morning, take a test at around noonish, and then do a paper after that for 3+ hours and go see my adviser that thinks I'm a complete tard because I never come prepared, but the jokes on her, because she has to do extra work, I don't have to do shit. And what can she do? Get Mad! that's it. Anyway, I've been pissing blood for like 2 weeks since the kidney stone saga and I've turned anemic. I feel like I guess you could say "very soft like terry cloth", even though I can't fucking stand to use that to describe myself because y'all know how hard I go. I do hard shit. All the time. Always being Gangster, never posing. I see old men at gas stations and mean mug the fuck out of them til they stop looking at me.
They know whats up. So today, all this shit happens, then the Dr calls and orders some medicine for me at Walgreen's. Like all things that start with Wal, they can fuck up a wet dream. I've never been to the Wal Marks and had a good experience, so why should Wal-Greens be any different. Anyway, this fucking butthole asked me if I wanted a Flu shot and I was like "No, Dick!" except it was more like "um no sir, I think I'm good." But you know the only time I ever got the flu, it was when I got a fucking flu shot, that's when. Anyway, it only injects you with the flu so that you don't get the flu. Lot of fucking sense that makes. Ima start just injecting mother fuckers with AIDS and Cancer so they won't get AIDS and Cancer. Seems logical enough.
Oh and this effing Dick Nut bought 14 bottles of sprite in front of me while I'm trying to pay for my medicine. Who the fuck needs 14 2 liter bottles of sprite? And this Pharmtard checking us out didn't think to scan one bottle and multiply it times 14. He just straight scanned each one, then he's like "Whoops, I think I mis-counted, better start over." I had a lot of other negative shit happen today too. It was 44 degrees, raining, had to walk all over campus at every angle. Only when it rains, shit like that happens. So today I'm just hating on everybody. That's all this is about. If HBO reads this, they'll be like, what a fucking jerk off that never takes work off, but baby I got a plan. And Kanye has been going hard lately too. Been listening to his old shit and it keeps me feeling just the right amount of real. Not mad enough to commit road rage on these pecker woods that drive like Keiths Asian wife LC(BOOM!) but mad enough to talk shit and yell at them for no reason. It keeps me balanced.
Since this blog is basically about nothing and I'm doing it in about 3 minutes. Just gonna throw some important things in here real quick.
1st: Crystal Trull is mean as the fuck to me lately. Stop Hatin. Thought we were homies. You effing meany! And you get a free shout out in my blog. So be blessed.
2nd: WATCH THESE SHOWS(in no particular order)
How To Make It In America
Workaholics
An American Horror Story
Sons of Anarchy
Not baseball
Hawaii 5-0(that intro song gets me so krunk, makes me want to pistol whip your grandma for real for real)
Tosh is still ok, but he's falling off.
and last but not least....
The Mother Effing Walking Dead. This season has me so intense. I pray the Zombies come out so I can do my thing.
might be forgetting some, but that oughta hold ya, since it's still football season.
Baseball
Desperate Housewives
Grays Ontonomy
Ain't gonna lie, kind of glad Jersey Shore is over
Real World San Diego(Vegas was way better, guess cuz we knew a guy on there)
Anything on HGTV
Anything on Food Network
Dancing with the Stars who really aren't stars. Shit, I should dance on there. Kenny Powers follows me on twitter. I'm at least a J-list celeb. Keeping it realer than Nick Cannon at a white person talent show.
Peace. Subscribe. Comment. Do you're thing. Much Love. Have a good weekend. If you have a baby, kiss and hug them HARD. And if you have a wife, you better effing watch Grays Ontonomy. And nothing makes your wife more mad than mispronouncing her favorite show on purpose. FACT!
Oh, and special shout out to my homeboy Jason Self. That picture you took was hilarious and brought back some great memories. Needed that laugh today buddy. Appreciate ya. And the whole "What Red found in old blue really made me LOL for real for real."
LOL thanks for the shout out! do have a slight bit of road rage!
ReplyDeletewas bro palmer ur preacher lol? i think about that too when I'm on stage. sometims i mess up jokes cuz in the middle i think man i hope my momma aint listnin.
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me laugh today! Agreed on shows to watch. What's gonna happen to Carl?!
ReplyDelete@ Alexadra: I'm not sure how far they are gonna stray from the comic, but Carl grows to be quite the bad ass zombie killer in the graphic novel...and I know Shane will make it out of the High School, because we've already seen him in future previews, but I think the fat guy that shot Carl is done son. It's getting so intense though. Effing love this show man.
ReplyDelete