This track is what would happen if the rastas meet the mathletes,
Yessir, then the Chess Club got dressed up, straightened up the sheets,
And went and took all the bitches.... of the athletes,"--Lupe Fiasco
Chess is the best game ever besides football, OK. My first year in Iraq in like early to mid 2004, I had shit. We had to wait in line for days to use the phone and call home (which I really didn't miss) but I did have the intrawebz. The negatives though, was that I had not the first effing clue on how to use the internet. I never had an e-mail. I thought computers were for nerds. I didn't play on computers back then, I just screwed girls and stuff. BUT then I slowly got addicted and have turned into the monster that I am today where I can't live 45 seconds without a computer. Anyway, in those beginning phases, I set myself up a yahoo e-mail account, learned how to play fantasy football, and then spent like 2-10 hours every night playing chess on-line. I absolutely loved Chess. Some of the best players in the world lived in our palace. We had Gary from San Diego who could have been a nuclear physicist, but I guess such simple academics were just too boring for him, so he was in charge of an Iraqi work crew instead. We had an Iranian guy named Asghar(who was a U.S. Citizen that owned a gas station in a hood in Houston, so he was in Baghdad on vacation), and we had this Filipino gentleman named Roel Mann, that was very good in his own right, but would come in every morning at like 3:30 am and catch me on line and he'd say in his thick Filipino accent "Ahhh, sooooo who do u tink u are sir Mike, Bobey Pisher) because real ass Filipinos that are actually born and raised in the Philippines can't pronounce "F." F becomes P. My right hand man Jay Aso (Aso is dog in Tagalog, and he was just that, a freakin pitt bull) who was the enforcer for the Filipino mafia would always tell the other Filipinos "Shut the Puck Or!" translated "Shut the fuck up"....anyway I'm digressing. I wasn't on Gary, Asghar or Roel's levels so I'd just play chess all night on Yahoo. Eventually I got pretty good and I would play with those guys ever so often and learn tricks and use them on the intrawebz.
For the longest time I'd play this little Russian fucker that had to be 10 or 11 and he called himself "Snizzle." Dude was a beast. He was ranked in like the 1800's+ and I was maybe a 1450 at the time(the higher the number the better, not like Golf). Between us, we both had logged over 3000 matches. Well this one particular night Snizzle didn't show up. I waited on his punk ass from like 8pm until at least midnight. I then decided I would just play this turd that was ranked in the 1100's and make the best of it. In a way Tonight I had arguably the best opponent I could ask for because they were ridiculously sorry and had no skills in trash talking. I thought maybe this would be a great opportunity to do a study in human behavior. Also some people I worked with liked reading the conversations I had during my chess games, first thing in the morning, so I would always save the conversations from the messenger. It teaches you new and innovative ways to talk shit and that is a dying skill that coaches just aren't teaching our youngsters now-a-days.
Here is the conversation I had with a fella that calls himself "J-Solo" on the messenger. If you think I am an asshole, just remember I am not like this in real life I just do it on the computer because there is no risk of getting beat up or detained by the police. And I'm guessing J-Solo was like a 20 something year old asshole anyway (Puhlease, dude is ranked like Ole Miss in the Chess World and he wanted to get froggy and assumed he'd beat me lolololol)
mike_hicks_83: How are you?
mike_hicks_83: Hows it going?
mike_hicks_83: So whats up buddy?
mike_hicks_83: So uhh, how are you?
j_solo: fine
mike_hicks_83: Not very talkative are you?
j_solo: i am not hre to talk i am here to win
mike_hicks_83: ut oh Look out now
mike_hicks_83: But according to your profile you are terrible. When is the last time you won?
j_solo: none of your businees
mike_hicks_83: and how old are you?
j_solo: Why u want 2 know?
mike_hicks_83: Because I am hoping you are younger than 14 with a response like "none of your business." And just so you know Snizzle rules. he could kick ur ass
mike_hicks_83: Pretty quiet. So you don't love me anymore?
j_solo: what r u talking about? who is snizzel?
mike_hicks_83: I'm talking about my man Snizzle. And the fact that our relationship isn't what it once was between me and you.
mike_hicks_83: and some say that snizzle is really Man Bear Pig! but i'm not buying it.
mike_hicks_83: And please never use the letters r or u to ask me something again.
mike_hicks_83: I'm talking about my man Snizzle. And the fact that our relationship isn't what it once was between me and you.
mike_hicks_83: and some say that snizzle is really Man Bear Pig! but i'm not buying it.
mike_hicks_83: And please never use the letters r or u to ask me something again.
mike_hicks_83: I hate you
j_solo: fuck u
mike_hicks_83: WHOAA very rude. I hope you don't kiss your boyfriend with that mouth
mike_hicks_83: shouldn't have done that. I got your queen bitch
j_solo: no u dont
mike_hicks_83: BAM, what now bitch. I told ya.
j_solo: screw you. how old r u anyway because you act like u r 12
mike_hicks_83: I am 26 and I'm an OG. Rolling 60 Crip. But I also joined a mexican gang called the El Quapos.Now since I am honest how old are you?
j_solo: 19
mike_hicks_83: WOW, you are 19 and this stupid. Mind if I ask where you are from? wait let me guess, West Virginia. No, Mississippi. Wait, yeah, west virginia.
j_solo: you r a real asshole.
mike_hicks_83: what did I tell you about that shit
mike_hicks_83: thats why you don[t have any friends and you are at home playing chess on a Friday night.
j_solo: its not even night time yet retard and whut r u doing? friday night for u too
mike_hicks_83: I know, but I'm in jail in Angola and I don't get out til tomorrow morning for good behavior
j_solo: wtfrutb where ru
mike_hicks_83: uhhhh what the fuck is all of that jiberish
mike_hicks_83: I am from the country I don't speak that shit
j_solo: what the fuck are youtalking about
mike_hicks_83: I bet you look like that girl from Dodgeball, not Christine Taylor but the ugly one. I'd still hit.
j_solo: whoaa im not even a girl dumb fuck
mike_hicks_83: I never said you were, I just said I bet you look like that ugly girl from dodgeball. You don't have to be a girl to look like one. Look at Freddy Mercury from Queen
j_solo: well u lost me there jus stop talkn
mike_hicks_83: I figured I would, it's because you lack a normal level of intelligence and I hope you feel good about yourself now
mike_hicks_83: u there
j_solo: ueah
j_solo: Yeah
j_solo: feel god about what
mike_hicks_83: about wasting my fucking time thats what. I can't believe they let people like you go home on weekends, they should have you on chains in a basement or something.
mike_hicks_83: so why are you quiet again. You can't win you might as well forfeit. 2 more moves and you are finished you bitch you!
j_solo: u suck
mike_hicks_83: Good one. Very original comeback. Ur a quick one
mike_hicks_83: it's been 4 minutes, make a fucking move ass sniffer
j_solo: u r probbly a queer thats why you r talking sodenm much
mike_hicks_83: will you listen to yourself, just read what you wrote. I was only joking about you being a retard but now I'm not sure. I might actually go to hell for calling you tarded because you mite be legit
mike_hicks_83: so tell me the truth
mike_hicks_83: won't be long now
j_solo: truth boutu twhat
mike_hicks_83: you know, just tell me, I promise I will keep it a secret.
mike_hicks_83: Bad move ass wipe, you really suck. at least say something witty. Like Snizzle would. I miss Snizzle. Snizzle would make you sit down to pee, that's for sure
j_solo: well if u r so good whats takin u so long to finish me
mike_hicks_83: what is this, mortal kombat? finish you?
mike_hicks_83: what is this, mortal kombat? finish you?
mike_hicks_83: I feel like I am just getting to know you and maybe I can take you out or something
j_solo: im not gay u pervert
mike_hicks_83: easy man, I'm not gay neither but I like to try new things
mike_hicks_83: maybe if you send me a picture or something, i will send you one of me
j_solo: I don't wnat a pictre of u
mike_hicks_83: but I am very sexy
mike_hicks_83: ok it's been real. You are a horrible excuse for a human being and I am in the CIA and I have your myspace account password and I am telling all of your friends you are gay and tried to meet me tonight. Later bitch.
j_solo: no u odn't u are prob a fucing 15 yr old loser from north dakota
mike_hicks_83: Way off buddy, I'm from South Dakota. So are you saying you want to play again because if you beat me I won't tell all your friends how gay you are.
j_solo: if u ar really cia you would alredy know who i am and not ask questions like that
mike_hicks_83: well I can't fool you can I. Damn you are a sly one. Really I am an out of work actor but I used to be on Miami Vice in the 80s
mike_hicks_83: hurry up, i don't have all day
mike_hicks_83: Im going to go take a piss and then make me a ham sammich then I will come back and beat you in 2 moves. Just after I finish wrapping up my r. kelley video
j_solo: go
j_solo: hurry up I dn't have all day
mike_hicks_83: Fuck You don't tell me what to do, i told you I had to go take a piss and make a sandwich. A video and when I was pissing, I had to shake it 5 times instead of 2. shit happens. you should know that. look in the mirror
j_solo: i bet your mom must be proud
mike_hicks_83: i bet your mom is a bull dyke that donates sperm to gorillas on weekends. she probably looks like the baby of Whoopi Goldberg and Kenny Rogers.
j_solo: fuck you
mike_hicks_83: again, nice comeback, and I don't appreciate your vulgar language, I'm trying to play an honorable game here and I don't need you talking so filthy.
mike_hicks_83: I think maybe we need some time apart.
mike_hicks_83: I just feel like this relationship isnt going anywhere and maybe we should see other people.
j_solo: ur a dujmbass
mike_hicks_83: Whats a dujmbass, is that like a fish or something?
mike_hicks_83: uhh I caught you a delicious Dujm Bass!
j_solo: just hurry up and go ur startn to annoy me
mike_hicks_83: Nope, I'm going to take my time. If you don't like it you can quit.
mike_hicks_83: Say you're sorry
mike_hicks_83: If you don't apologize I am breaking up with you.
mike_hicks_83: OK nice game. Good Luck with that Gay Porno thing and maybe we can do this again.
j_solo: I'll never play with u again. ur an huge asshole and ur not even that good.
mike_hicks_83: You know what, I am good, and ur a lousy kindergarten teacher, I seen those finger paintings you bring home and they suck.
mike_hicks_83: I'm sorry baby I think they're excellent finger paintins.
mike_hicks_83: hello? dammnit. I miss Snizzle.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OMG I remember these chess games you used to have on myspace! You would always fuck with those people! Good stuff Mike!
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