Coconuts Are Assholes!

This one is another throwback. It's Finals week and like always I've been busier than shit trying to keep a 4 purnt zero. But in order to keep hits coming I have to post something, so here goes one I did on Myspace like 3 years ago on Mothers Day, with a few slight modifications to modernize it. The best part was it was probably the last blog Trent ever commented on because he was featured in it and it's a great memory of him (and since my audience has expanded a tad bit since then, it will probably appear new to a lot of people). Also, I'm kind of bored because one of Melissa's favorite Christmas movies is "The Santa Clause" and she's seen it so many effing times she just sits here and recites it like I do when I'm watching Big Top Pee Wee. I have to distract myself and also act like I give a shit about this Christmas Movie that ranks like 297 on my list of 300 all time favorite Christmas Movies. Oh and she also can do Home Alone 1 and 2 which is pretty impressive considering how shitty Home Alone 2 was and it ranks 269 in case you are wondering. Oh, but Home Alone 1 is in my top 7 though.

From May 11, 2008.....

I guess today is "Stuck On Island" day on TV. Already watched part of "Blue Lagoon" and now "Castaway" is on. This made me think to myself what would I do if I were to end up stuck on an island. And this is definitely a legit question because I know everyone thinks about this shit on Mothers Day. 

So lets get this bitch started!

                            THINGS I'D DO IF STUCK ON AN ISLAND

1.) Play in the water for a little bit!
That's typically what you do when you go to the ocean, you just kind of ease into the water and frolic in the waves for probably about 10 or 20 minutes, then you get bored with that and you start playing the washing machine game, where you just kind of play dead and lay face fucking first into the hugest God Damn wave you can find and let it twirl you in circles for 22 seconds. Then you are pretty much ready to get out of the water after that. 

2.) Coconuts.
You have to find these bitches, it's necessary for 2 things; Milk and Cups. And if you're super clever you can make phones out of them I think. 

The only problem with this is that it's not as easy as they make you think on Gilligan's Island. It takes a lot of work to break down one of these assholes. I once watched Trent spend 1 hour and 56 minutes just trying to crack the surface.

NOTHING! Just wasted damn near 2 hours with the coconut, so I guess it's time for plan B.

3.) PLAN B- Find fucking weapons!

 
Because who knows what kind of creatures may live on this island?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I know fire and shelter might be at the top of some peoples priority lists, but not mine. I can survive a day or 2 in a tropical climate without either one, but if fucking Joakim Noah were to attack me, what good would the fire or the shelter be?
  
4.) De-snake the place.
"I hate God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes"--Mike Hicks

I honestly don't know how one would go about uhh "De-Snaking" your spot. I've heard moth balls work but they smell like dead assholes with ajax sprinkled on them so I'd prefer other means. My suggestion would be to find a fucking Honey Badger or in Latin (Mellivora Capensis). Honey Badgers kill all kinds of shit on the reg and they eat snakes for breakfast. Literally. I once watched one of them kill 4 Cobras and a baby python under 20 seconds. They don't fuck around with the reptiles, they just merk them and swallow them. That's the type of guy you need on your team when you are stuck on an island. Not even to mention all the forced fumbles and potential for returning punts for touchdowns that they pose. You can never go wrong with a Honey Badger on your team!

(DISCLAIMER: I don't really think God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes  are even indigenous to most tropical islands, but you never can be too careful.......you should still befriend a honey badger probably.)

5.) The Air Got To It.
Time for the fire. Thank God I watched Tom Hanks make an ass of himself for 45 minutes before figuring out that oxygen is the key ingredient in making a fire. Now I know. I figure I could maybe set a forest fire or 2 and not even have to worry about this bastard....

And smokey really doesn't even give a shit about forest fires anymore, that is so 1980's. He used to always conveniently appear when you lit a match back in like 86, and act all superior and berate you like the I.T. guy at work when you try to go around a firewall so that you can log into facebook. But not anymore. Smokey has better shit to do now. He was replaced by the Sexual Harassment Panda and Pokey the Pedobear, and for good reason in light of recent events. 

I would much rather have a Bear out there beating the living horse fuck out of pedophiles instead of telling 25 year old's not to put out their cigarette near a fucking pine tree.


So this is pretty much how you would survive if you happened to be stranded on an island. Just stay calm and remember these 5 things:

1.) Frolic in the ocean.
2.) Coconuts, except they don't really work.
3.) Find a 240 Caliber machine gun.
4.) Kill off the God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes.
5.) Fire.

If you do all of these things, you should make it off the island. Real Talk!

Hope everyone has a great weekend. And something I found hilarious is that I had an image of Joakim Noah in my head when I was doing the bit about ugly, hideous creatures that may pose a threat on the island. I was thinking either him, Delonte West, Sam Cassell or Marshawn Lynch. Anyway I decided to let Google do the job for me and I Googled "Ugly Athletes" and every one of them popped up on the first page lolz. So I went with Noah because I've always found him to be tremendously scary. It worked 3 years ago and it still works today. 


Keeping it realer than Marshawn Lynch in a beauty contest!

Also here's hoping the REAL Honey Badger brings home the Heisman tomorrow night. I think it's pretty possible. The ESPN/ Nissan Leader Board had him with 39,506 or 6% of the votes out of the top 5. This was from November 30th, before he wigged out on Georgia. Surely that number has increased since then. And this particular pole doesn't really mean shit, but it's a pretty decent gauge, or at least it has been in the past. Geaux TM7. He did big things on the reg, more so than any primary defensive guy I can remember. Even more than Charles Woodson that got most of his props for playing offense and returns(that weren't as impressive as Mathieu). It comes down to a guy that plays on the best team in the country and contributed greatly to that success, not to mention the shoes he had to fill and maybe outgrew those shoes. I'd give my left tit to see it happen. The Chuck Bednarik award is not enough for the Badger. FACT!