So I'm Supposed To Spend All My Money On Presents and Give You All the Credit?

"I've been to prison once, I've been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this"-- Some guy named Willie that plays Santa Claus on the reg for monies

Here is a song to help get you krunk while you read my awesome Christmas stories. 

I've been trying to think of a way to do a blog for Christmas, but I have been mentally tired for some time now. After I finished my last Final this past Tuesday, my brain just shut down for the rest of the week. Now I'm feeling a little bit more rejuvenated which isn't saying much. Anyway, after a conversation earlier today with my boy Mickey Slayer that pretty much hit the nail on the head for any adult that has to spend last years pay, plus most of your income taxes you'll be getting in the next few months to keep your kids happy for Christmas: Why do I spend all of my money during this season, and this fat fuck gets all the credit? 

First of all let me do a bit of a disclaimer before writing this because I realize this is a sensitive subject. I saw that a few teachers around the country almost got fired over the past few weeks for dropping a bomb on 2nd graders telling them Santa Claus isn't real. To be honest though, I knew Santa wasn't real when I was like 5 or 6. I'd only pretend that I still believed that he was real because my mom would tell me that If I don't believe in him, he won't bring me anything. I was skeptical, but not retarded. So I humored my parents in order to get free gifts on December 25th. Also I have this sidekick named Apple. Apple is pretty brilliant and his knowledge of sports and all types of other shit is befuddling. Anytime I say anything offensive or controversial, it's usually Apple that's telling me to do it. Usually I'm all like, "Apple, that's a terrible thing to say and it might hurt someones feelings or ruin a little kids life." Then Apple gets all butt hurt and won't talk to me for days, sometimes even weeks. So I just learned how to humor him much like I did my parents about Santa Claus. And when Apple isn't helping me say the shit I'm scared to say, he is a greeter at the Wal Marks. Oh, but make no mistake, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it so that he can greet, mingle and converse with some of the classiest people on the planet that happen to shop at the Wal Marks on the reg. He does the job because he has a good spirit, not for the money, unlike all these assholes that play Santa Clause at JC Penney for like 15 G's a month while simultaneously casing the joint so that he can rob them blind come December 26th.

Now a few qualms I have about Santa Claus goes further than all the "lolz" jokes that super talented comedians come up with. "Oh I don't like the Santa because the Santa runs a sweat shop at the north pole with midgets lolz.", "The Santa degrades women because he calls them hoes a lot lolz." or "Santa is always breaking and entering and stealing cookies lolz." But these jokes are based on merit. It's almost like this character of Santa Claus does in fact embody evil and not so coincidentally, he does a lot of creepy shit that would be considered illegal if any one of us were doing it. The myth of Santa Claus teaches us that he does in fact break into your house late at night and he's obviously very good at it because he doesn't make a fucking peep while he's doing it. He's always looking for trouble. He's always watching you like some kind of fucking Super Stalker. Shit, they even wrote a song about it to scare little children. "He sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake!" Now imagine if that song was about Charlie Manson? Using those same lyrics, how does that make you feel? I used to ask my mom when I was little how Santa was going to get in our house because we didn't have a chimney. She told me that he has a skeleton key that fits every door in the world. My dad chimed in that if the key didn't work, he'd just break a window or something to which he cracked himself up and started laughing. Very criminal shit. So it's no surprise that 80% or more of the guys that play Santa Claus in malls all over the country have been to jail at least once for a felony. A recent survey conducted by my friend Apple estimated that 32% of those felonies were of a violent nature. They just aren't very good people in most cases. Like everything in life, I'm sure they have a few good apples (no pun intended, Apple). Some legit good guys that have white beards and actually are really fat, jolly mother fuckers that love children (in a non Jerry Sandusky kind of way). But in most cases, the guys that are pretending to be Santa aren't good people. It's a job that typifies, resembles and requires criminal behavior. Oh, and one time I was at the food court at the South Park mall while we were living in Cleveland about 4 years ago and overheard a Santa Claus on his lunch break telling one of his midget elves, "How do you kill 200 flies all at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. whacka whacka!" That's not very nice. It's certainly not something jolly that you tell people in public. 

The main thing I really dislike about Santa is the fact that he punks about 2 million kids world wide each year. When my little sister Lexi was a kid and I was babysitting her, I'd ask her to do something or to stop doing something and she'd just look at me and say something like "You're not my mom!" So I'd have to pick up a phone and pretend I was calling Santa in order to get her to behave. I also plan on doing this to Mariah in a few years when she gets out of line. Whats funny about this is that most little kids under the age of 2 hate Santa. I mean it's not only hate, but it's like they fear the shit out of him. Have you ever just watched a kid lose their fucking mind in the seconds leading up to their encounter with Santa? 

It's an instinctive behavior. Little kids always know the truth, you can try to lie to them, but they usually know whats good and/or bad. They start out knowing that this man isn't good, there is something wrong with him, but we counter this instinct by using bribery. We spend the next few years telling them that Santa is a Saint and if you don't adhere to his commands, you aren't getting shit for Christmas. We use this as a tool of behavioral reinforcement when nothing else seems to work. Their initial reaction is to be afraid of this al-Qaeda looking mother fucker which is a good thing, but through lies and deceit we teach our children to trust this asshole, this criminal and social deviant. A guy that probably has a van with no windows that you teach your children to avoid at all costs the other 11 months out of the year, but come December, he is the Saint and God of the presents. 

I don't know, just a thought, but I wish my parents would have told me that Jesus is the one that gives us presents instead of Santa Claus. He's the one that gives us the strength go to work all year so that we can afford to buy you a Super Intenda or a little big wheel. Jesus is the reason we have Christmas. Why should the man that died for all of our sins so that we can live in heavenly peace for all of eternity have to share this glorious day, the celebration of his birth, with some fat fucking degenerate that probably breaks all 10 of the commandments on the reg? I wish I had the balls to break tradition, but in a few years I'll need Santa to strong arm my little girl. It's just a never ending cycle that we are doomed to repeat. 

 
With that being said, I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas. Regardless of my negative tone and strange disdain for all things Santa, I'm pretty excited about this being Mariah's first coherent Christmas where she actually does all the ripping of the wrapping paper and realizes this is a day of happiness that will come once a year for the rest of her life. Kids make Christmas. I'm gonna try my best not to water this day down for her throughout her childhood and hopefully by the time she's 8 or 9 I won't have to lie to her about this Kris Kringle dickface and all I'll have to tell her in order for her to behave is to "Put on your inside voice, before I put your ass outside!", "Mommy is gonna spank your ass hard because daddy is nice and loves you very much, but mommy will be forced to do it if you don't settle down!" or "Jesus is watching you and I'll quit going to work and you won't get any presents if you keep acting an ass!" 

I'll leave you with a picture of an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santee Claus! 

Because this wouldn't be Christmas if I didn't give major props to BBT and the best Christmas movie ever made.