To keep my shoe game on point, I'm willing to tear down any wall or burn down any building.

Cuz those Jordan XI Concords make me want to pistol whip your grandma. 

This is why Lebron will never be as good as Jordan. I mean already I seriously doubt he'll win 6 rings. But the main reason is that 10 years after his career is over, people won't be losing their fucking minds to buy his kicks for 180 dollars + tax. Here in Fort Smith it's gonna hit you for $199.80 after taxes.

I like Jodans too, but I'm not waiting in line for anything. I don't care if Tony Romo was trying to give me his upcoming Superbowl ring and he told me all I have to do is camp outside the Wal Marks starting at midnight and he'll give it to me the following morning at 8am. And this would be a scenario where it's guaranteed and it doesn't cost me a dime. I'm still not fucking waiting. These dudes waited, risked their lives by being at the will of a mob, and the best case scenario was that they might happen to be one of the first 15 people in line that's lucky enough to get a pair and have to shell out 200 dollars. I don't see any "Win" in any of that. I'll never get the mentality of the Black Friday crowds, the iPhone random number thugs that camp out starting D minus 4, waiting to have a fucking smart phone that may add one new feature to the one they already have. I guess I'm glad to be a simple man that still has a cell phone that doesn't log on to the intrawebz and quite frankly I don't want one. I didn't even want a cell phone in the first place and I was the last one of my friends to get one in late 2002, mainly so I could be on call in case my dad got sick or something. But seriously, I can't think of any toy that's ever came out that I'd go through that much trouble to cop. Nothing. And I never waited in line to watch that shitty Star Wars prequel either. I bet you those nerds were so disappointed after that shit fest finally premiered. lolz.

We had our family Christmas party last night. Of course we played Dirty Santa. I bought a fat girl blow up doll at Spencers as my gift. I had to get there at midnight and wait til 8am for the doors to open, but at 7:58 the fear or thought of maybe they'll be sold out overcame me and I bum rushed the shit out of the main entrance outside. 

Anyway, as I was buying the doll I formed a connection. I was overcome with curiosity. I've never seen a real blow up doll before and quite honestly I've always wanted to see one fully blown up and in action. Lucky for me I drew number 16 which was the last number in the Dirty Santa raffle. I could pretty much pick anything I wanted. My uncle Kevin initially drew that particular gift with the 7th pick of the 17th annual Hicks/Patterson Dirty Santa draft. I knew then what I had to do. So with my 16th pick, I traded for the fat girl blow up doll and I don't believe I've ever felt like such a genius. It worked out for me for so many reasons. Nobody knew I bought it, nobody knew I really wanted it and then when I picked it they all gave me huge lolz and thought I was just trying to be funny. Joke was on them. Until I opened the box and realized how bad I'd been ripped off. The doll looked nothing like the picture on the box.........

But I do like short girls and this particular doll is the same height as Melissa (well maybe like 3 inches shorter, but I've always wanted a midget too, so it's kind of win/win in that aspect), although her hair is ugly. She's got like this red headed buzz cut or something. Not really attractive for a blow up doll in my humble opinion.

But the positives: She doesn't talk or argue. She never asks me to do any chores or anything which is awesome. I'm thinking of keeping her until she gets mouthy with me like most chicks tend to do (right now she's on her best behavior like anyone when you first meet them. You're not really meeting that person, you're meeting their representative), then she can kick rocks. But for now, she seems to fit right in. I've just got to find some clothes for her fat ass so that she doesn't scare off our guests when we do have company. Does anyone have any clothes they are willing to donate to a doll that's approximately 4 feet and 7 inches tall with a 55 inch waist and some huge ta ta's? My friend Apple will be standing outside the Wal Marks all day today ringing one of those bells, begging for money. You know, he's the guy that makes you feel awkward as shit anytime you're trying to do your last minute Christmas shopping and if you're like me all you use is a credit or debit card and you never have any spare change. Then they mean mug the fuck out of you if you aren't donating. At least 4 times this year I've given them close to 20 dollars or so. I'm not rich enough to be giving to charity. But now when I see one of these guys and I get like 5 feet away, as soon as they make eye contact I just start screaming "I already gave your homeboy some money at Target, dog. Leave me alone and stop giving me stink eyes!" 

You have to think ahead and go on the offensive or they'll try to run you. It's prison rules out here sometimes and you have to attack before they do. Oh, but yeah, Apple will be doing that all day today so if you want to stop by and donate some fat girl clothes, he'll see that they are given to me. 

I really thought this party would be full of awesome gag gifts but the pinnacle outside of my stellar idea to buy a chubby blow up doll was some maxi pads and toilet paper. I guess when most of your aunts and uncles are members of AARP, you can't expect to receive a pocket vagina or a decent porno movie. Anyway, it's not really the reason for the season to buy and receive such despicable gifts. I'm sure Jesus has a sense of humor but he probably got mad at me last night for exploiting that fat girl. I'm gonna make it up to him today by being very good and remembering the real reason we celebrate Christmas. I hope y'all don't forget that too. Shit, I might even roll over to the dollar tree or something and give one of the bell ringers a few dimes and some pennies I have laying here on my desk. Tis the season to give people shit you don't want. Also sometimes, if the bell ringer looks genuinely nice and I want to avoid an awkward moment and I haven't been completely frustrated by the hell that comes with Christmas shopping, I'll stroll up and act like I'm pulling something out of my pocket and just pretend to slip something into the bucket. They usually assume you just dropped some bills in there and they smile at you. Only once did the guy really watch my hand like a hawk and I'm pretty sure he caught me trying to slow play him. But most times it works. 

Keeping it realler than your drunk cousin Steven who gave your grandma some edible panties for Dirty Santa and then busted out laughing when she opened them while the rest of your family was embarrassed for him.

Peace and have a Merry Christmas from the Hicks family. Mike, Melissa and Mariah. 

.....and in case you are curious. Melissa did not get demoted to JV for the fat blow up doll. She's still on the A-team. But I do have something to keep her in check when she wants to get live.