To keep my shoe game on point, I'm willing to tear down any wall or burn down any building.

Cuz those Jordan XI Concords make me want to pistol whip your grandma. 

This is why Lebron will never be as good as Jordan. I mean already I seriously doubt he'll win 6 rings. But the main reason is that 10 years after his career is over, people won't be losing their fucking minds to buy his kicks for 180 dollars + tax. Here in Fort Smith it's gonna hit you for $199.80 after taxes.

I like Jodans too, but I'm not waiting in line for anything. I don't care if Tony Romo was trying to give me his upcoming Superbowl ring and he told me all I have to do is camp outside the Wal Marks starting at midnight and he'll give it to me the following morning at 8am. And this would be a scenario where it's guaranteed and it doesn't cost me a dime. I'm still not fucking waiting. These dudes waited, risked their lives by being at the will of a mob, and the best case scenario was that they might happen to be one of the first 15 people in line that's lucky enough to get a pair and have to shell out 200 dollars. I don't see any "Win" in any of that. I'll never get the mentality of the Black Friday crowds, the iPhone random number thugs that camp out starting D minus 4, waiting to have a fucking smart phone that may add one new feature to the one they already have. I guess I'm glad to be a simple man that still has a cell phone that doesn't log on to the intrawebz and quite frankly I don't want one. I didn't even want a cell phone in the first place and I was the last one of my friends to get one in late 2002, mainly so I could be on call in case my dad got sick or something. But seriously, I can't think of any toy that's ever came out that I'd go through that much trouble to cop. Nothing. And I never waited in line to watch that shitty Star Wars prequel either. I bet you those nerds were so disappointed after that shit fest finally premiered. lolz.

We had our family Christmas party last night. Of course we played Dirty Santa. I bought a fat girl blow up doll at Spencers as my gift. I had to get there at midnight and wait til 8am for the doors to open, but at 7:58 the fear or thought of maybe they'll be sold out overcame me and I bum rushed the shit out of the main entrance outside. 

Anyway, as I was buying the doll I formed a connection. I was overcome with curiosity. I've never seen a real blow up doll before and quite honestly I've always wanted to see one fully blown up and in action. Lucky for me I drew number 16 which was the last number in the Dirty Santa raffle. I could pretty much pick anything I wanted. My uncle Kevin initially drew that particular gift with the 7th pick of the 17th annual Hicks/Patterson Dirty Santa draft. I knew then what I had to do. So with my 16th pick, I traded for the fat girl blow up doll and I don't believe I've ever felt like such a genius. It worked out for me for so many reasons. Nobody knew I bought it, nobody knew I really wanted it and then when I picked it they all gave me huge lolz and thought I was just trying to be funny. Joke was on them. Until I opened the box and realized how bad I'd been ripped off. The doll looked nothing like the picture on the box.........

But I do like short girls and this particular doll is the same height as Melissa (well maybe like 3 inches shorter, but I've always wanted a midget too, so it's kind of win/win in that aspect), although her hair is ugly. She's got like this red headed buzz cut or something. Not really attractive for a blow up doll in my humble opinion.

But the positives: She doesn't talk or argue. She never asks me to do any chores or anything which is awesome. I'm thinking of keeping her until she gets mouthy with me like most chicks tend to do (right now she's on her best behavior like anyone when you first meet them. You're not really meeting that person, you're meeting their representative), then she can kick rocks. But for now, she seems to fit right in. I've just got to find some clothes for her fat ass so that she doesn't scare off our guests when we do have company. Does anyone have any clothes they are willing to donate to a doll that's approximately 4 feet and 7 inches tall with a 55 inch waist and some huge ta ta's? My friend Apple will be standing outside the Wal Marks all day today ringing one of those bells, begging for money. You know, he's the guy that makes you feel awkward as shit anytime you're trying to do your last minute Christmas shopping and if you're like me all you use is a credit or debit card and you never have any spare change. Then they mean mug the fuck out of you if you aren't donating. At least 4 times this year I've given them close to 20 dollars or so. I'm not rich enough to be giving to charity. But now when I see one of these guys and I get like 5 feet away, as soon as they make eye contact I just start screaming "I already gave your homeboy some money at Target, dog. Leave me alone and stop giving me stink eyes!" 

You have to think ahead and go on the offensive or they'll try to run you. It's prison rules out here sometimes and you have to attack before they do. Oh, but yeah, Apple will be doing that all day today so if you want to stop by and donate some fat girl clothes, he'll see that they are given to me. 

I really thought this party would be full of awesome gag gifts but the pinnacle outside of my stellar idea to buy a chubby blow up doll was some maxi pads and toilet paper. I guess when most of your aunts and uncles are members of AARP, you can't expect to receive a pocket vagina or a decent porno movie. Anyway, it's not really the reason for the season to buy and receive such despicable gifts. I'm sure Jesus has a sense of humor but he probably got mad at me last night for exploiting that fat girl. I'm gonna make it up to him today by being very good and remembering the real reason we celebrate Christmas. I hope y'all don't forget that too. Shit, I might even roll over to the dollar tree or something and give one of the bell ringers a few dimes and some pennies I have laying here on my desk. Tis the season to give people shit you don't want. Also sometimes, if the bell ringer looks genuinely nice and I want to avoid an awkward moment and I haven't been completely frustrated by the hell that comes with Christmas shopping, I'll stroll up and act like I'm pulling something out of my pocket and just pretend to slip something into the bucket. They usually assume you just dropped some bills in there and they smile at you. Only once did the guy really watch my hand like a hawk and I'm pretty sure he caught me trying to slow play him. But most times it works. 

Keeping it realler than your drunk cousin Steven who gave your grandma some edible panties for Dirty Santa and then busted out laughing when she opened them while the rest of your family was embarrassed for him.

Peace and have a Merry Christmas from the Hicks family. Mike, Melissa and Mariah. 

.....and in case you are curious. Melissa did not get demoted to JV for the fat blow up doll. She's still on the A-team. But I do have something to keep her in check when she wants to get live. 

So I'm Supposed To Spend All My Money On Presents and Give You All the Credit?

"I've been to prison once, I've been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this"-- Some guy named Willie that plays Santa Claus on the reg for monies

Here is a song to help get you krunk while you read my awesome Christmas stories. 

I've been trying to think of a way to do a blog for Christmas, but I have been mentally tired for some time now. After I finished my last Final this past Tuesday, my brain just shut down for the rest of the week. Now I'm feeling a little bit more rejuvenated which isn't saying much. Anyway, after a conversation earlier today with my boy Mickey Slayer that pretty much hit the nail on the head for any adult that has to spend last years pay, plus most of your income taxes you'll be getting in the next few months to keep your kids happy for Christmas: Why do I spend all of my money during this season, and this fat fuck gets all the credit? 

First of all let me do a bit of a disclaimer before writing this because I realize this is a sensitive subject. I saw that a few teachers around the country almost got fired over the past few weeks for dropping a bomb on 2nd graders telling them Santa Claus isn't real. To be honest though, I knew Santa wasn't real when I was like 5 or 6. I'd only pretend that I still believed that he was real because my mom would tell me that If I don't believe in him, he won't bring me anything. I was skeptical, but not retarded. So I humored my parents in order to get free gifts on December 25th. Also I have this sidekick named Apple. Apple is pretty brilliant and his knowledge of sports and all types of other shit is befuddling. Anytime I say anything offensive or controversial, it's usually Apple that's telling me to do it. Usually I'm all like, "Apple, that's a terrible thing to say and it might hurt someones feelings or ruin a little kids life." Then Apple gets all butt hurt and won't talk to me for days, sometimes even weeks. So I just learned how to humor him much like I did my parents about Santa Claus. And when Apple isn't helping me say the shit I'm scared to say, he is a greeter at the Wal Marks. Oh, but make no mistake, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it so that he can greet, mingle and converse with some of the classiest people on the planet that happen to shop at the Wal Marks on the reg. He does the job because he has a good spirit, not for the money, unlike all these assholes that play Santa Clause at JC Penney for like 15 G's a month while simultaneously casing the joint so that he can rob them blind come December 26th.

Now a few qualms I have about Santa Claus goes further than all the "lolz" jokes that super talented comedians come up with. "Oh I don't like the Santa because the Santa runs a sweat shop at the north pole with midgets lolz.", "The Santa degrades women because he calls them hoes a lot lolz." or "Santa is always breaking and entering and stealing cookies lolz." But these jokes are based on merit. It's almost like this character of Santa Claus does in fact embody evil and not so coincidentally, he does a lot of creepy shit that would be considered illegal if any one of us were doing it. The myth of Santa Claus teaches us that he does in fact break into your house late at night and he's obviously very good at it because he doesn't make a fucking peep while he's doing it. He's always looking for trouble. He's always watching you like some kind of fucking Super Stalker. Shit, they even wrote a song about it to scare little children. "He sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake!" Now imagine if that song was about Charlie Manson? Using those same lyrics, how does that make you feel? I used to ask my mom when I was little how Santa was going to get in our house because we didn't have a chimney. She told me that he has a skeleton key that fits every door in the world. My dad chimed in that if the key didn't work, he'd just break a window or something to which he cracked himself up and started laughing. Very criminal shit. So it's no surprise that 80% or more of the guys that play Santa Claus in malls all over the country have been to jail at least once for a felony. A recent survey conducted by my friend Apple estimated that 32% of those felonies were of a violent nature. They just aren't very good people in most cases. Like everything in life, I'm sure they have a few good apples (no pun intended, Apple). Some legit good guys that have white beards and actually are really fat, jolly mother fuckers that love children (in a non Jerry Sandusky kind of way). But in most cases, the guys that are pretending to be Santa aren't good people. It's a job that typifies, resembles and requires criminal behavior. Oh, and one time I was at the food court at the South Park mall while we were living in Cleveland about 4 years ago and overheard a Santa Claus on his lunch break telling one of his midget elves, "How do you kill 200 flies all at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. whacka whacka!" That's not very nice. It's certainly not something jolly that you tell people in public. 

The main thing I really dislike about Santa is the fact that he punks about 2 million kids world wide each year. When my little sister Lexi was a kid and I was babysitting her, I'd ask her to do something or to stop doing something and she'd just look at me and say something like "You're not my mom!" So I'd have to pick up a phone and pretend I was calling Santa in order to get her to behave. I also plan on doing this to Mariah in a few years when she gets out of line. Whats funny about this is that most little kids under the age of 2 hate Santa. I mean it's not only hate, but it's like they fear the shit out of him. Have you ever just watched a kid lose their fucking mind in the seconds leading up to their encounter with Santa? 

It's an instinctive behavior. Little kids always know the truth, you can try to lie to them, but they usually know whats good and/or bad. They start out knowing that this man isn't good, there is something wrong with him, but we counter this instinct by using bribery. We spend the next few years telling them that Santa is a Saint and if you don't adhere to his commands, you aren't getting shit for Christmas. We use this as a tool of behavioral reinforcement when nothing else seems to work. Their initial reaction is to be afraid of this al-Qaeda looking mother fucker which is a good thing, but through lies and deceit we teach our children to trust this asshole, this criminal and social deviant. A guy that probably has a van with no windows that you teach your children to avoid at all costs the other 11 months out of the year, but come December, he is the Saint and God of the presents. 

I don't know, just a thought, but I wish my parents would have told me that Jesus is the one that gives us presents instead of Santa Claus. He's the one that gives us the strength go to work all year so that we can afford to buy you a Super Intenda or a little big wheel. Jesus is the reason we have Christmas. Why should the man that died for all of our sins so that we can live in heavenly peace for all of eternity have to share this glorious day, the celebration of his birth, with some fat fucking degenerate that probably breaks all 10 of the commandments on the reg? I wish I had the balls to break tradition, but in a few years I'll need Santa to strong arm my little girl. It's just a never ending cycle that we are doomed to repeat. 

 
With that being said, I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas. Regardless of my negative tone and strange disdain for all things Santa, I'm pretty excited about this being Mariah's first coherent Christmas where she actually does all the ripping of the wrapping paper and realizes this is a day of happiness that will come once a year for the rest of her life. Kids make Christmas. I'm gonna try my best not to water this day down for her throughout her childhood and hopefully by the time she's 8 or 9 I won't have to lie to her about this Kris Kringle dickface and all I'll have to tell her in order for her to behave is to "Put on your inside voice, before I put your ass outside!", "Mommy is gonna spank your ass hard because daddy is nice and loves you very much, but mommy will be forced to do it if you don't settle down!" or "Jesus is watching you and I'll quit going to work and you won't get any presents if you keep acting an ass!" 

I'll leave you with a picture of an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santee Claus! 

Because this wouldn't be Christmas if I didn't give major props to BBT and the best Christmas movie ever made.

Coconuts Are Assholes!

This one is another throwback. It's Finals week and like always I've been busier than shit trying to keep a 4 purnt zero. But in order to keep hits coming I have to post something, so here goes one I did on Myspace like 3 years ago on Mothers Day, with a few slight modifications to modernize it. The best part was it was probably the last blog Trent ever commented on because he was featured in it and it's a great memory of him (and since my audience has expanded a tad bit since then, it will probably appear new to a lot of people). Also, I'm kind of bored because one of Melissa's favorite Christmas movies is "The Santa Clause" and she's seen it so many effing times she just sits here and recites it like I do when I'm watching Big Top Pee Wee. I have to distract myself and also act like I give a shit about this Christmas Movie that ranks like 297 on my list of 300 all time favorite Christmas Movies. Oh and she also can do Home Alone 1 and 2 which is pretty impressive considering how shitty Home Alone 2 was and it ranks 269 in case you are wondering. Oh, but Home Alone 1 is in my top 7 though.

From May 11, 2008.....

I guess today is "Stuck On Island" day on TV. Already watched part of "Blue Lagoon" and now "Castaway" is on. This made me think to myself what would I do if I were to end up stuck on an island. And this is definitely a legit question because I know everyone thinks about this shit on Mothers Day. 

So lets get this bitch started!

                            THINGS I'D DO IF STUCK ON AN ISLAND

1.) Play in the water for a little bit!
That's typically what you do when you go to the ocean, you just kind of ease into the water and frolic in the waves for probably about 10 or 20 minutes, then you get bored with that and you start playing the washing machine game, where you just kind of play dead and lay face fucking first into the hugest God Damn wave you can find and let it twirl you in circles for 22 seconds. Then you are pretty much ready to get out of the water after that. 

2.) Coconuts.
You have to find these bitches, it's necessary for 2 things; Milk and Cups. And if you're super clever you can make phones out of them I think. 

The only problem with this is that it's not as easy as they make you think on Gilligan's Island. It takes a lot of work to break down one of these assholes. I once watched Trent spend 1 hour and 56 minutes just trying to crack the surface.

NOTHING! Just wasted damn near 2 hours with the coconut, so I guess it's time for plan B.

3.) PLAN B- Find fucking weapons!

 
Because who knows what kind of creatures may live on this island?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I know fire and shelter might be at the top of some peoples priority lists, but not mine. I can survive a day or 2 in a tropical climate without either one, but if fucking Joakim Noah were to attack me, what good would the fire or the shelter be?
  
4.) De-snake the place.
"I hate God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes"--Mike Hicks

I honestly don't know how one would go about uhh "De-Snaking" your spot. I've heard moth balls work but they smell like dead assholes with ajax sprinkled on them so I'd prefer other means. My suggestion would be to find a fucking Honey Badger or in Latin (Mellivora Capensis). Honey Badgers kill all kinds of shit on the reg and they eat snakes for breakfast. Literally. I once watched one of them kill 4 Cobras and a baby python under 20 seconds. They don't fuck around with the reptiles, they just merk them and swallow them. That's the type of guy you need on your team when you are stuck on an island. Not even to mention all the forced fumbles and potential for returning punts for touchdowns that they pose. You can never go wrong with a Honey Badger on your team!

(DISCLAIMER: I don't really think God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes  are even indigenous to most tropical islands, but you never can be too careful.......you should still befriend a honey badger probably.)

5.) The Air Got To It.
Time for the fire. Thank God I watched Tom Hanks make an ass of himself for 45 minutes before figuring out that oxygen is the key ingredient in making a fire. Now I know. I figure I could maybe set a forest fire or 2 and not even have to worry about this bastard....

And smokey really doesn't even give a shit about forest fires anymore, that is so 1980's. He used to always conveniently appear when you lit a match back in like 86, and act all superior and berate you like the I.T. guy at work when you try to go around a firewall so that you can log into facebook. But not anymore. Smokey has better shit to do now. He was replaced by the Sexual Harassment Panda and Pokey the Pedobear, and for good reason in light of recent events. 

I would much rather have a Bear out there beating the living horse fuck out of pedophiles instead of telling 25 year old's not to put out their cigarette near a fucking pine tree.


So this is pretty much how you would survive if you happened to be stranded on an island. Just stay calm and remember these 5 things:

1.) Frolic in the ocean.
2.) Coconuts, except they don't really work.
3.) Find a 240 Caliber machine gun.
4.) Kill off the God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes.
5.) Fire.

If you do all of these things, you should make it off the island. Real Talk!

Hope everyone has a great weekend. And something I found hilarious is that I had an image of Joakim Noah in my head when I was doing the bit about ugly, hideous creatures that may pose a threat on the island. I was thinking either him, Delonte West, Sam Cassell or Marshawn Lynch. Anyway I decided to let Google do the job for me and I Googled "Ugly Athletes" and every one of them popped up on the first page lolz. So I went with Noah because I've always found him to be tremendously scary. It worked 3 years ago and it still works today. 


Keeping it realer than Marshawn Lynch in a beauty contest!

Also here's hoping the REAL Honey Badger brings home the Heisman tomorrow night. I think it's pretty possible. The ESPN/ Nissan Leader Board had him with 39,506 or 6% of the votes out of the top 5. This was from November 30th, before he wigged out on Georgia. Surely that number has increased since then. And this particular pole doesn't really mean shit, but it's a pretty decent gauge, or at least it has been in the past. Geaux TM7. He did big things on the reg, more so than any primary defensive guy I can remember. Even more than Charles Woodson that got most of his props for playing offense and returns(that weren't as impressive as Mathieu). It comes down to a guy that plays on the best team in the country and contributed greatly to that success, not to mention the shoes he had to fill and maybe outgrew those shoes. I'd give my left tit to see it happen. The Chuck Bednarik award is not enough for the Badger. FACT!