THE SONS of DADS CREED/MISSION STATEMENT

This is to assure that we keep shit the perfect amount of real and continue to climb the ladder of success. Some of us will be tempted to keep it WAY too real, so we have to make sure the perfect amount of 8.0 real will be kept at all times.

OUR HISTORY & BACKGROUND

Sons of Dads (SoD) is a comedy troupe consisting of one ex member of the actual SEAL Team 6 that killed Bin Laden, and by SEAL Team 6 member I actually mean 32 year old, father of 1 that married a chick way hotter than me and I'm a full time student in a BSN program trying to become a male nurse or "Murse" if you will. I also work, so I have less time than Hey Mon from "In Living Color"...

to make this shit happen. Other members include a legit ex Army Sniper who could blow off a mosquito's ball sack in Minnesota from a tree stand in Georgia. He is also a father of a little boy that's his mini-me and expecting another one with his lovely wife Lacey. We also have a black guy which is awesome. Oh, he isn't just any black man, he's a Black Militant, Pistol Packin, Kill Whitey type of black man who only likes me because I told him my great grandpa was black. Other members include Aaron "asscrack" Woods who used to wake up every morning and sit on his couch in his skin tight boxers and scratch his nuts while eating Lays potato chips on the reg. I'd be watching Sportscenter and he'd offer me some chips. I always declined for obvious reasons. Robbie Garrison is quite the character. He hates everything and everybody but for some reason he loves to laugh. So normally his laughs come at others expense. He's mean spirited and I love him for it. Like if you were in the cafeteria and dropped your tray in High School, Garrison would be the one to stand up and give you a standing ovation while saying "You can just sit that anywhere!"....then we have J-Scoggs. A High School football coach who has matured with age but is still funnier than shit. He's been known to act up at 2 AM while we're all sauced up (and he's totally sober) and he'd race his lawn mower up and down his long ass driveway, also popping wheelies which was more amazing than watching a polar bear ride a tricycle, forcing us to laugh for hours. One time I legitimately pissed my pants. I mean not a lot of piss, but a few drops came out. That did happen . He's also very brilliant as in giving drunk chicks rides home (Being a gentleman because he was always the DD), except he'd use their cars to drive them home, (forgetting we didn't have our own vehicle)  leaving us to walk 17 miles home at like 4 in the morning. He rules. He'd also put on a football helmet without a facemask and do a very uncanny Ace Ventura impression. Justin is one of the most legitimately funny people I have ever met. Sometimes I just look at him and start laughing because I know he's about to do something so hilarious, that it can't be explained. You just have to see it to appreciate it.

RULES and REGULATIONS 

Every group has rules. These are ours. If they are broken, probably zero fucks will be given.

RULE 1: Bro's before Hoes. Unless of course it's damn near 2 AM and Garrison has a chance of getting a blowie from some skank at Las Margaritas. Then he can do Hoes before Bro's. Me and Tommy don't count. We have balls and chains to answer to.

Garrison can break any rule he wants because he's Robert fuckin Garrison.

RULE 2: Tommy. That's the rule. It's just “Tommy”! You know why? Because he'll fucking kill you. Dude is like Jason Bourne except with a sense of humor. So Rule 2 is just  "TOMMY!"

Here is a picture of Tommy and his lovely family so that you guys understand he's a very lovable/likable guy. He clearly married up, so you know he's a good dude or he'd have an ugly wife. Keep that in mind as you read our shit, if Tommy can sell her on marrying him, he can sell you on laughing at us. 

RULE 3: My name is Mike. My professional name is R. Michael Hicks the 1st in case I blow up and make it big time. BUT until then, just call me Mike. My first name is Raymond. I don't go by that. And when a mother fucker calls me Raymond, I blow it off and I understand they can't help it, because it's on the paperwork/ whatever....but it's when they call me "RAY" when I just want to start kicking them in their left ear with my right fucking foot until their ear drums stop working. It brings out a rage in me that I can't explain. "Oh, you don't even know me enough to call me mike, but all the sudden you're cool enough with me to call me Ray?" FUCK YOU!

And here is a picture of me and my beautiful wife. Same as Tommy, I married up and this has to tell you that I'm not a complete dick. The only reason  hot chicks marry guys like us, is because we are funny. Here is proof of that.

 RULE 4: Marquis Johnson aka "Mickey Slayer"...that's his stage name which suits us better for our comedic goals. Lets face it "Marquis Johnson" sounds like a black baseball player in the major leagues. BUT Mickey Slayer sounds like some guy that will do whatever it takes to you know, get it done. Like stab people with spoons and shit. I realize his name isn't really a rule. But I'm running out of rules. So Rule 4 is just gonna be Mickey Slayer. Oh and one time Mick snuck in some dark liquor on Karaoke night in Iraq and did one of the best renditions of "Purple Rain" I've ever heard. My Man!

This is a picture of Mick pretending to be the black Tom on Myspace so we could start our own Myspace for black people. Turns out they already had one of those and our venture failed miserably. 

RULE 5: Aaron Woods has to stop pulling his fucking shenanigans. The next time he says the word "Shenanigans" I'm taking his ass out back and pistol whipping him. 

RULE 6(I think): No being mean to people that think our shit is whack. We are way classier. You tell them "Thank you for your opinion" and then cough a quick "go fuck urself" it should sound like "ahhuhgofukurself ahut ahut" Something like that. SoD will have class and manners at all times. So please be an example to others. 

RULE 7: As far as comedy goes, we have no boundaries and we're not even sure how far we'll take it. We will definitely do these blogs on the reg. From this, we gain material for future projects. Me and Tommy have already planned a sketch that's in the works. We have guys like Justin Scoggin.........

Who has worked in comedy clubs and has that experience, and he can play the guitar. So we're gonna write a song together. BET. So basically we want to set up our website to allow us to do our sketches, jokes(and I'll youtube my first stand-up performance of course) and hopefully we'll continue not only freelancing for other comedic agencies, but one day we'll be the agency that people bring their shit to, to put on the platform. We have a great mix of personalities that all get along and I think we make a great team. Our dreams may come true sooner than expected the way things are going, but stick with us. Be there from the beginning and please believe we will remember who our fans and supporters were. I'm no longer selling SONS of DADS to you, it's up to you not to miss out on what we're about to do. 

OH, FEW MORE THINGS.....

This is one of my best friends, Zane...choking the shit out of another good friend, Filipino Jay. I can't remember why I have this picture in my photobucket account, but I thought it was awesome. I think Jay might have smoked Zanes last cigarette or something. 

and of course...my pops and one of the true inspirations for SONS of DADS. Because of him, I have 32 years of comedy to share with the world. Like the rest of our members.

ONE LAST THING/ BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST: SONS of DADS is a work in progress and in infant stages although we're starting to walk a lot faster than the crawling I expected. We all have a shit-ton of friends who will make guest appearances. Sigi Milerski for one will join in for example. My Iraqi friend Jonathan who now happens to be fulfilling his commitment to the US Army will be a huge asset. He's a genius with animation and anything concerning film and graphic design. Once he's aboard, we can go to the moon for real for real. WAP 100 will do an intro song for us once our website is ready. It should be ironic and pretty hilarious. Big Thangs! 

But most importantly, the one guy in this world that truly inspired me to try to take this comedy thing and make a living out of it, I have to not only mention him, but give due credit. We spent many nights arguing (in a good nature of course) by him saying I'm funny enough to make money doing this and with me countering by telling him he's crazy. He dared me to get on a stage and find out. I told him that would never happen. Well it's gonna happen now Bro. My Road Dog, Best Friend and now Angel in heaven, helping to keep an eye on me and opening doors faster than I can walk through them. You always asked me how I did some of the craziest things you'd ever seen, but didn't have enough guts to go up on a stage and tell a few jokes? Well the more I think about your spirit, the less reasons I can find to not face that fear.


Trent Vinson: Thank you my dude. You are the legend that brings all of us SONS of DADS together. Thanks for being my best friend while you walked this earth and thank you for speaking to me through my dreams. Because every time someone laughs or smiles, it's an action that makes me think of you. For as many things as you are remembered for, I remember you most for laughing at my jokes and encouraging me to do something I love to do. And that's jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes........

IT'S FIGHT NIGHT: The River Valley Rumble is what they call it.........here we go!

“Terry, listen to me: do this for the white race. You may be Irish, but they're almost white.” --Johnny Windsor 

(I'd say lets get ready to rumble but I'm broke as Rhianna's left orbital bone after Chris Brown went Bobby Brown on her. I can't afford to pay Michael Buffer 10 G's just to say some shit like "Lets get ready to rumble!")....shit, guess I'll find out how famous my blog really is when I get subpoenaed by Michael Buffer for his 10K. That would suck!

So I've never been to a boxing bout match sports contest competition. Oh I've seen a shit ton of fights and even been in a few, unfortunately they were not sanctioned though. Well last night, the 1^st fight was between a white gentleman by the name of Brad Sustad from Rogers, AR. He weighed in at like 143 or 145. Pretty much what I weighed in Junior High when I would get in unsanctioned fights on the reg. His opponent: A black fella by the name of Andrew Hartley. I think he weighed in at like 138 maybe 140. I figured these guys being Welterweight or Super Light Weights, this bout would go the distance.

They both came out swinging which was nice, but the black gentleman, “Hartley” caught Whitey with like 3 straight rabbit punches to the grill. The fight was over in 14 seconds. I don't believe I've ever seen such light weight fighters get KO'd so easily. Maybe in UFC, but not boxing. So this was the indicator of what our night was gonna look like. It was gonna suck. I've seen a shit ton of better bouts at McDonald's in Leesville where at least they'd fight for 45 seconds to a minute before either being KO'd or the police would come and ruin everything. BUT I was wrong. It got much better

All the Pre- Intermission fights besides that one I just talked about delivered. These dudes went hard. The best part about all of this was that me and my brother Matt had our first beer together. Ever. I now officially feel like we're brothers because you can't be related to someone until you drink beer with them. FACT! Matt has never been a drinker and quite frankly hates alcohol which is weird considering how much I hate alcohol too, but I like the way it taste. So I taste it. A lot. But props to him for sharing one with me and bonding. The bond we never had. I feel closer to my brother now!

During Intermission I went to get some cocktails and I ran into Tyler King, who is an up and comer and I loved his spirit. I took a pic with him like a fag. “I'm all hey, saw your fight broseph, mind if I get a snapshot of me hugging on your nuts?”...I hate being that guy, but he seemed cool. He lost a very close split decision, where both guys were absolute warriors. So I had respect for him. Hope to see him come up and do big Thangs.

I then went to the bar where they of course were being Jewish with the alcohol. I ordered a double screwdriver and got a quarter screwdriver instead. Then some douche bag asked me if I want a Jager Bomb and I was like, 'Dude, I have an ID. Do I look like I'm in fucking High School?” Stupid fucking bartenders. I want to go back and fight each and every one of them. In fact next week when I'm working out, I'm using those fucking butt holes as my motivation instead of old men that I don't like.

OK, So this is getting pretty long and I want to skip through to the main event. We have a black guy (which is always the safe bet, duh) named Emmanuel “Bull” Wright vs the white Irish Man, Tommy “Concrete” Connelly. My brother made the bet here, I had my choice to pick my fighter and if my guy lost, I have to do the stand-up comedic routine. Well I wanted to pick the black guy, but it just seemed too easy. So I went with my gut. This Irish guy had a name like “Concrete”, that and look at all the beast Irish fighters throughout our history.....

                                                          Irish Micky Ward

     
                                                          Irish Terry Conklin                                               

Anyway, I figured I'd go Irish and that way I'll never have to make a fool of myself on a stage. 

SO HERE WE GO! 
(now of course the actual fighters in this "River Valley Rumble" were so irrelevant, I had to use James "The Grim Reaper" Roper vs Irish Terry Conklin. From the "Great White Hype" Movie, because I could not find the first pic of any of these shit fighters we watched last night. Sorry!)

I actually tried hard to find pics of the real fighters, but I guess they are pretty irrelevant. Oh Well I tried. But as a bonus I have some youtube vids of Bull Wright vs  Tommy"Concrete" Connelly.....

This was like Round 2 or towards the end. I could feel my heart stopping at this moment. I once lost a thousand Euros on a roulette table in Amsterdam and I wasn't feeling this sick to my stomach. 

Here goes Video 2. 

So I apologize, but our battery went dead. Anyway, my dude lost. Of course he did. You never bet on the white guy. Only in fictional movies like Rocky and even in Rocky III if you'd bet against Clubber in the first fight, you would have lost your ass. Well now I have to do a stand-up routine somewhere at my brothers choosing. I have to face this inner battle that's been eating at me for years, but now I guess I'm 32, not getting younger and if I'm successful, it will be good for Sons of Dads. 

Oh and since I couldn't show you the Knock Out of the guy that totally fucked me last night, I found the best picture on the intrwawebz of a Black guy knocking the absolute horse fuck out of a white guy to make up for it. Here it goes....And that's pretty much how it ended.

 
Now for some tid-bits about the fight. We did have VIP seats. That was cool, but I mean this is Fort Smith Arkansas, not Las Vegas. So here are the chicken wings they ordered from hooters that the VIP crowd were privileged enough to get for free. All Class!

 

This was the last one left after like being there for 5 minutes in the VIP section. Those fat fucks ate that shit like a caveman eating a caribou. "Nobody goes to Hooters for the wings!"--Chris Rock

Oh, and no offense, because I've had friends that worked/work at Hooters. BUT Fuck Hooters! The Chicken Wangs sucked. I wish they just had a place where you could go buy wings and watch football and not get harassed and expected to pay large tips to chicks that half the time don't even look all that great. Oh I know, We'll call it Buffalo Wild Wings. 


TRUE STORY: My brother Matt took his 1st drink ever last night. A beer. At 7 PM. He later got pulled over at a check point and got breathalyzed. He blew 0.00000 BUT WOW, the IRONY? The guy takes one freaking drink in his entire life and gets pulled over the same night. Perhaps it's good he doesn't drink like his little brother. 


OH, and before I forget.....Pic 1st, then the story.

Matt wanted me to do one of those pictures where you act like you're posing but he's actually trying to capture someone else. Well this guy was the epitome of Dick Bag. Not only do we NOT know who he is, apparently he's a big deal in this sports arena. I think they said he was a former wrassler that didn't even make it to the WWE. So after this, I straight up walked up to him and said, "Hey sir, I'm a huge fan! is it ok if I get a handshake or an autograph, or you know what, my wife would love to take a picture."......Well this dude big leagued the FUCK out of me. He was like "Do you know who I am?" and I was like "Hell Yeah, you're that dude. I've always loved you." and then he told me "Well I'd rather not take a picture, I'm sorry!" and as I walked away I was like "Good, because I'm more famous than you bitch!"......that didn't really happen, but I wanted to say it. 


Thanks to my Brother and Sis n Law Lisa for a great night. 


"Keeping it realer than a white guy who gets his gums busted before I could sip my Coors light!"

Oh and LOL one more thing, remember my last blog about how I dress like a shit head...busted out the same outfit last night. I keeps it the perfect amount of real. Notice the black button up, some jeans that are like 27 years old and some black shoes. Obama hates me, because I hate Change!

SONS of DADS Production.  

I have the style of a shit head that made sex with a snapping turtle.

 Kenny: (To Tracy) What did I tell you? I said put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit. 

Tracy: This is my eveningwear! What the fuck do you know about style? 

Kenny: I know one of us has had his own personal stylist, and the other shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug, that's what I know. Alright, what else you got? 

Kenny: Honey, I love you...I think you're a terrific girl — but you got clothes like a fuckin' dickhead. 

Well that's pretty much me. I dress like a complete shithead. I'm well aware of it. I even spend a lot of money on clothes, but they just don't seem to fit my style. I have to buy baggie shirts because I have the bulging chest, shoulders and biceps of Arnold umm Schwartszneasgeseggear(sp) Which is a good thing. Also my thighs are bigger than my waist and hips.    

See I wanted to dress just like that. My whole life! I'd even find random black dudes and be like "Dillon, you son of a bitch! what's tha matta, the CIA got you pushing too many pencils?"

And of course I'd do this hand shake with them......    

A kid in elementary school that used to ride my nuts once told me I'd look just like Arnold. 

So I used to could wear Levi's Silver Tabs (they were the only jeans that fit me properly) but I don't think they made those since before 9/11. Now I shop at Old Navy to buy my jeans. They fit me perfectly and the best part is I give them 5 dollars for the jeans and they give me 7 dollars in change. Cheapest fucking store ever, which is a WIN! I always use those other 2 dollars to buy a ball that lights up when it bounces and I play with that fucker for hours. Mariah likes playing with it too, but I'm like “eff you, get your own, dead beat. You aren't earning any money for this family.”

So here goes a brief rundown in chronological order and some pictures of how I dressed at different ages and what a depressing little fucking butt hole I must have looked like.         

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (6^th Grade, but pretty much all grades)

For a lot of my elementary school years I was a latch key kid. My folks would both leave the house before 7am and my mom wouldn't be home til like 4:30 and Red wouldn't make it home til like after dark. Dude was a workaholic, the exact opposite of me. I'm an alcoholic though, so I was pretty close. Anyway, my mom would lay clothes out for me to wear but I wouldn't wear them shits. Instead I put on some gray Nike Shorts, a blue practice football jersey and some cleets. I wore that shit everyday. One day the principal called my dad and told him to come pick me up because I was dressed inappropriately. My dad was so pissed. What they all failed to understand was that I only went to school for recess, I gave like zero fucks about school. So that was my first experience of dressing like a dumb red neck, hillbilly fuck stick. (SORRY NO PICS) I'm sure I have one somewhere, but you should be able to vision a 12 year old wearing a practice football jersey with some baseball cleats.  

    

JUNIOR HIGH: I always bought the old Jordans. When the new ones came out, I'd talk my mom into buying me the ones that came out 3 years ago. One time my dad went to footlocker with me and I tried on the new J's and I thought he was gonna buy them for me and he was like “Ok mother fucker, Dunk!” If you can dunk that 9 foot goal over in that corner I'll buy them for you. Shit, I barely touched the rim with my middle finger. But I did give him props for that trick though, because I'm using that shit on Mike Jr one day.       

HIGH SCHOOL: If I find a pair of jeans I like or that fit me decent, I wear them everyday. I mean 5 days a week, wash them on Saturday and wear them again on Monday. It wasn't like I had a lack of clothes. Aaron Woods and Smitty used to raid the eff out of my closet and take all my good shit. Woods stole at least 8 of my favorite Tommy Hilfiger shirts and that's when Tommy Hill was still cool. Now they are no better than Nautica. That one hurt because Tommy fit me perfectly. Anyway, one day me and Chad Adams stole all of Aaron Woods football jerseys when they were still fashionable and I wore his Deion Sanders jersey he just got for Christmas (and double bonus because it was just after Deion had signed with Dallas) and then Chad had on his Dan Marino Jersey. I think Woods was mad about Deion, but he was livid about his Dan Marino jersey. Me and Chad both showed up Monday wearing his shit. He gave me a mean mug, but with a head shake or in internet speak :smdh: but he let that go, but he looked at Chad like chad was that coach for the minor league hockey team in “Happy Gilmore” and he was gonna bum rush the fuck out of him and kill him. Woods loved his Dan Marino jersey. Also he sported that Jr Seau jersey on the reg which was awesome and I would have copped that, but it was skin tight. I would have looked like a fucking hob knobb had I tried to wear it since I was way more muscular and handsome than Woods was back then. But just for giggles, here's me looking like a complete moron at the expense of the First Baptist Church of Leesville...

COLLEGE: Same with the Tommy's. Only now I was wearing Jorts with the Tommy's. I think it may have been in style in Monroe because lots of New Orleans dudes were there and they dressed kind of like me, so we all looked like shit heads together. The difference though: They wore footie socks with super white shoes. I wore knee high Nike socks with dirty ass old Jordans. This was 98/99. Those J's came out in 95. So I started wearing the K-Swiss with footies. In fact, my everyday uniform became Cargo Khakis with white t-shirts. Me and Cito aka Adam Martin kind of brought this style to Monroe and it actually took off. We had like 200 fresh white T's, the khaki shorts(sometimes jorts) and white shoes. As long as you wore a gold chain and had diamond or fake diamond earrings, you were on point. I still hate myself for that trend though. At least I had my padna Keith Lawton to share clothes with, so it's like we never had to go to the mall, we just traded clothes on the reg and I don't think anyone noticed.        

AFTER COLLEGE: Still dressed like a dickhead. Now it's a year later and I have basically the same style, except now when it's not the khaki shorts with white t's, it's Adidas pants with white T's. And a fucking Seattle Mariner hat turned backwards to top it off. I didn't even like the Mariners. I liked Ken Griffey Jr, and I think he played for the Reds then. I was such a fucking O-tard. BUT.......

GOT THAT JOB AT FORT POLK: and we all had to wear uniforms. So it felt good looking like a dickhead with everyone else. From then on I only interview for jobs where we had to wear uniforms because I hate style. It's a lot easier having someone else make you look like a moron than making yourself look like one.     

SOME PICTURES OF ME LOOKING LIKE A FIG!.......

Uhh, HERE I AM LOOKING LIKE A DICKHEAD IN IRAQ

(again with the football jerseys, but at least it was a Bo Jackson Throwback)

FUCK STICK ALERT! FUCK STICK ALERT!

(lolol Tommy mother effin Bahama in Costa Rica)

"What.. no, I mean, I do love that shirt you got me, I admire Sir Tommy Bahama an awful lot, he's a talented man, but tonight I feel this is inappropriate."--Aldous Snow 

 Oh look, here I am again in Dubai looking like Johnny Bravo wearing the same ole oversized Polo with some Khaki cargo shorts. Fucking loser!

 OH, Australia right? New Style, it's 2007. WRONG! 

(Baggy Polo with the guess what? Khaki Cargos. Mike, you dumb shit!)

Oh, guess what, we're going to Cali in 2009. New Style right. WRONG!

(SAME EXACT SHIT! Oversized Polo and some Khaki cargos)

So in conclusion, I dress like a mongoloid from the late 80's. But I'll never change. I'll be wearing over-sized polo's and non frat khaki shorts til the day that I die. That's just how I roll and zero fucks are given. It just sucks when we have to go to a club and I wear like the same pair of jeans and a black button up shirt EVERY FUCKING TIME. If you go through our pictures on FB, you'll notice the pattern that covers like 5 years of me wearing just that. My going out outfit. But no matter, I'm always just Mike. If I become a billionaire, I ain't changing shit. I like dressing like a shithead! FACT          

Keeping it realer than that dude that wears wife beaters with man titties.           

R. Michael Hicks the 1st.

Happy Mothers Day/ And Breast feeding the right way!

In honor of mothers day I figured I'd talk about breast milk. The child's first source of nutrition for the first few days of birth. It's important. It's just one of the many millions of reasons why titties are so awesome.

"All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant. And a sugar cookie!"

                                                       DYLON: "A sugar cookie man?"

So we've all been seeing it in the news recently and even in TIME Magazine.....so needless to say it's become an issue. In his defense he's only 100 months old, so it's not all that bad.

Also I know lots of guys who are still sucking titties and they're damn near 40. (Although) I realize it's different when they aren't sucking the Teet of their own mother which is kind of gross. I don't think my daughter breast fed more than 2 weeks. I was glad too, because I was jealous of her. But that's beside the point. I figured since this is a once in a lifetime thing, why not make a shit ton of jokes about it. Here are just a few off the top of my head:

1. Q: Which kind of bees make milk? A: Boo Bees. Whacka whacka.
2. Whoever said there's no use in crying over spilt milk obviously never pumped 6 ounces and then dropped it, while your baby was going ape-shit about wanting her milk.
3. Why are womens breasts like a trainset that a kid gets for christmas? Because they were both designed for kids but dads like to play with them, also.
4. What did the baby say to his mother after breastfeeding?
   A: Thanks for the mammaries! Lolz

OK, enough cheap lulz about breastfeeding and back to the story at hand. I think the World Health Organization says 2 years old is old enough to stop sucking the teet. Other magazines that my wife reads and I too read them when I'm using the bathroom and there are no other magazines available, like Cosmo, US Weekly, Elle, SELF, style, Women's Weekly, Glamour and Shape (which is like the shittiest magazine ever), it's just like Men's Health or Men's Fitness. The Magazine is approximately 140 pages long. 125 of those pages are ads. They are advertisements telling you what supplements you should take and how they made some 400 lb broad lose 260 lbs in 2 weeks by drinking 1 shake a day and then watching a video that taught them how to exercise (The proper way for 3 minutes a day, for only 2 days a week). Totally legit. Anyway, none of those magazines really say a whole lot about breast feeding, but they do have decent articles on how to tan without getting skin cancer and some great recipes etc. Also they have great sex tips(most of them don't work however) but I practice them anyway. Oh, I also like to judge fashion police: aka “Who Wore That Shit Better?” What's dumb is they'll usually compare someone like Rihanna to Taylor Swift. Ri-Ri always gets my vote, even when she wears something fucking ugly. She's just hotter though. Oh and in case nobody already knew, the 90210 Feud Ends! Tori Spelling and Shannen Doherty squashed their beef and are now friends again. Now they can both do a Lifetime Movie together. 

ALSO: TRUE STORY

My little sister Alexis graduated High School Yesterday and I stood up in front of everyone screaming “Donna Martin Graduates! Donna Martin Graduates!” 

                                             (Bonus Purnts if you get this reference!)

So back to the nipple sucking, whoops, I mean booby sucking.

So this kid probably shouldn't be sucking his moms tits anymore. At least that's my humble opinion. I've been wrong before. But as soon as you're old enough to know how to unbutton a blouse, too old to be in the same room with mommy and daddy when they are making bang bang bang. Or when you're old enough to be in a room where HBO or CINEMAX is on and your mom or dad has to tell you to cover your eyes when they show titties.....Then you are too old to breast feed. Case Closed!/

Also I promised you guys a blog on how I dress. I dress like a shit head, that's for sure. I have no sense of style. I still wear cargo khaki shorts and baggy polo shirts. I know I'm out of style. About the only thing I don't do wrong is wear black socks with shorts, or socks with sandles for that matter, and I don't wear Jorts. 

 

In my next blog I will go into greater detail as to how I dress and maybe you guys can help me develop a style for myself. I'm 32 and dress like I'm still in High School. So I could use your help.

Keeping it realer than a 13 year old that sucks his mums tits on the reg and tells his friends it's better for me than cows milk!

ETA: I hope this didn't offend anybody. I'd imagine if you're offended by any of this then you are still letting your 5^th grader suck them tittays. If you think the subject matter is inappropriate, I can make a list of things for you that are way more serious and hopefully your naïveity will go away and you'll realize we live in a world where sucking tits isn't a real big deal in the grand scheme of things. Pick your battles accordingly.

No effin way John Travolta is a pillow biter. Dude was Vincent Vega....

"Vincent Vega! My man from Amsterdam."

IMMEDIATE DISCLAIMER: I support the gay community. I think they should get married. All the conservatives that think this is a bad thing and still happen to be secure in their religious beliefs need not worry. Because if they have that much conviction, surely God will not let them into heaven, anyway...(If your strong beliefs are correct I mean). St. Peter will have like a Goal Line Stand sitting there waiting on them to NOT get into heaven if it makes you super conservative ignoramus's feel any better. 

I however am a Christian and only make fun of the gays for lulz (like I make fun of everything/body with no harm intended). But I also don't think we can help who we fall in love with. I know a few legit gay dudes(and girls), I know they had to have been born that way and life was too hard to just be gay for no reason. If they had any ounce of “straight” in them, I'm sure they would have crossed over because their lives would have been that much easier, but they chose to take the road less traveled and with it, they ate a lot of shit (no pun intended). We can't truly bash them, criticize and threaten their way of life and believe for a second, they chose that lifestyle because it was “fun”, “Easy” and “Adventurous.” Gay folks usually happen to be the sweetest people and they all do a lot to help contribute to this society we're living in. Most of them are very successful in their respective lines of work, if they happen to adopt a child, they take way better care of their children than a lot of straight parents I know. In general they are good people and I have to think that God will show mercy on them. I don't know about some of y'alls God, but mine is a forgiving one. You can quote all the bible verses you want to, but you'll never convince me that someone like Jesus who lived the life he led (walking amongst the thugs, but with good hearts to teach them the right way to live and love people), with his teachings of forgiveness, waiting to throw the first stone if you have no sin etc. Could doom someone to hell just because they were born to love someone unconventionally. This also crosses interracial boundaries as well. 

                           DOES THIS SEEM LIKE A DIRECT MESSAGE FROM JESUS?

I'm not gay, and I don't understand how someone can be gay, but that's just it. Just because I don't understand it, doesn't make me anymore right than they are wrong. Shit, I don't understand Advanced Calculus, but that doesn't make it wrong.  If anything, a promiscuous lifestyle is the bigger sin, and a lot of gay people are in very committed relationships. Does some guy that happens to be a straight Christian but bangs chicks on the reg at 2 AM every Friday night when the club is closing (And these are some legit grenades with the herp and hep C) have a better path to heaven than a gay guy that's been committed to his significant other for 5+ years and stays loyal to them? That, and they believe in God and pray every day that they can be forgiven for their transgressions and do the best they can just to live in this crazy world. Because that's what love is. A lot of things in the bible talk about “Love”, there are a few verses that talk about homosexual relations being wrong......but some of those verses I have to question as to when and where they were written in the bible vs timing and agenda. Anyway, I don't hate the homosexuals at all and I hope they don't hate me for keeping it the perfect amount of real and defending yet admitting that I don't understand their lifestyle (and I'm always making gay jokes. Not Tracy Morgan, mean spirited gay jokes, but still, I knock them on the reg). Again, like black/white relations, I wish this was one we could talk/joke about more freely and try to understand both sides. Straights vs Gays have obvious different preferences. I'm not sure either of us are completely evil. And NO the Gays didn't start the AIDS. That got started during like the Bubonic plague and there were a bunch of bird baths and the rats started jumping in there and making sex with the birds and a whole new kind of AIDS started. 

Then one of the rats bit a monkey. The Monkey bit a guy who was trying to pet it (I refuse to believe he was trying to have sex with the monkey. Monkeys are powerful creatures, they'd rip you in shreds before you could bang one of them.) 

Then the guy that got bit.......

made butt secks with a female and then the female shared a dirty needle with a guy who happened to be gay. I think I'd blame drugs and IV drug use more for the AIDS than gay sex. All sex can give you AIDS. So that common misconception of having to be gay and getting it from the anus of another gay dude is just as likely as any other form of sex. We all know that now. I watched a gay documentary the other day and it was fucking gross, but they didn't say any of this, but it's still my theory.

WITH ALL OF THAT BEING SAID: I said all of that to say this.

John Travolta might be gay. But I refuse to believe it. I judge a movie star more on their roles in movies and TV Shows than however or whatever their actual character happens to be in real life. Just because of Phenomenon, Michael, and Saturday Night Fever....I know Travolta is straight. Now that guy Shane from the Walking Dead, 

I hate his fictional character so much, that he could be a member of SEAL Team 6, the actual team that busted Bin Laden's grape, then he could have came home and saved 30 little orphans from a burning house and did an “Awe Shucks” interview afterward and then Tebowe'd after the interview...

I'd still hate him, just because I hated Shane so much on TWD. So if I heard he paid a Masseur 200 bones/per hour to come to his private hotel to rub him down, then offered the masseur a rub n tug as soon as the hour was up: Oh, I'd believe that shit. I'd be like he's definitely gay and not only that, but he's a sexual predator that needs to be locked up ASAP. Because I hate his character on the Walking Dead. 

But since I love Travolta. I call bullshit on him being a pillow biter. No effing way is he gay. I refuse to believe it. You'd have a better chance trying to convince me that Casey Anthony is innocent than to prove that Vincent Vega is a gay sexual predator. Now, although Travolta did say he's done some things in the past that would make most people throw up....I'd have to assume he's talking about “Battlefield Earth” or possibly “Face Off” in that scene where they rip his face off. I did puke in my mouth a little bit. But that has to be what he's referring to. 

“Would you give a guy a foot massage?” lolz

Vincent: And you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?  
Jules: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese? 
Vincent: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is. 
Jules: Then what do they call it?  
Vincent: They call it a Royale with cheese.
Jules: A Royale with cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?  
Vincent: Well, a Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it le Big-Mac. 
Jules: Le Big-Mac. Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a Whopper?
Vincent: I dunno, I didn't go into Burger King.

Enough of this gay shit. Red is gonna hate me because I'm defending the gay community. But I am a fair person. I try to view shit objectively. As long as a man or woman hasn't pissed me off in a movie, I believe they are innocent until proven guilty. But the minute I stop liking their character, like Clay Morrow from Sons of Anarchy for example. They've shit the bed with me and I'm all about convicting them. Shit, I even gave OJ a break because he was Detective Nordberg in the Naked Gun Movies. At least my priorities are straighter than yours. 

LAST LINE OF BUSINESS:

We had my little sugar bears aka sweetness, aka my everything, aka my lil Mo Mo aka Sir screams a lot, aka My Angel aka just plain ole Mariah's 2^nd B-day celebration on Cinco de Mayo. Everything went terrifically. We were so glad to see all of Melissas Aunts from California that we haven't seen since the summer of 2009 and of course Melissa's parents got to make it in again, which is always good and they have no way of knowing how much we appreciate that drive they make. But I think Mariah is way worth it. 

I can't believe my little butt hole patrol is now 2 years old. I never had a romantic relationship with a girl for more than a year and a half I think and that was a terribly dysfunctional thing that made me hate girls for a long time. Now to think me and Melissa have been married almost 5 years, together for more than 6 and now we have a little girl that's outlasted any other relationship I've ever had with any other female (Besides my Momma). I guess that's normal because I'm her umm daddy. But it sill feels good to be so in love with my little one and my wifey after all this time. Even more so than day one.

I did notice that during the party my senses were extremely heightened. It's like I'm always walking on egg shells now when I'm watching Mariah. You know why? It's because every inanimate object can potentially turn into a complete disaster. I mean it's like every object in the room has the potential to become a scene from a Final Destination Movie. 

I see a crayon. That Crayon then turns into a choking hazard...but she doesn't choke, now I see her throwing it up in the air and it hits the ceiling fan and comes back down at 94 mph narrowly missing her right eyeball. As she's dodging it, she trips over her talking bunny rabbit and falls backwards and falls on her back only missing a plastic butter knife by less than a quarter inch from going through the back of her head. Then as she's laying on the ground, as we're all breathing a sigh of relief, we realize after shampooing the carpet there is a chemical in it that she's highly allergic to and she breaks out into these HUGE fucking hives. None of this happened of course, but that's a microcosm of an example for what goes through your mind when you have a little one. It might happen and it all just starts from the image of a crayon within her reach. This can go for everything in our house. I've never been more paranoid about anything in my life, than I am raising my child. I feel like Mariah is at the most dangerous stage of her life, right now. May God bless us with a few Angels escorting her and let us be always alert when she's setting up that trigger for a catastrophic event. I hope I'm not the only parent that has these fears......but it really does wreck your nerves and make you feel mentally exhausted at the end of every day.

Got to go. Hoping to get more on the comedy here soon. Stress free for the time being and my thoughts are coming back to me. I have a good team to help me spitball some ideas and I'm very excited about working with the Sons of Dads. Tommy is rockin it and once we consolidate our web-site we can really get a feel for what we're trying to do, because we are actually just experimenting and seeing what's gonna work. We're basically just gathering a bunch of shit. Then we're gonna throw it all up against the wall and see what sticks. Should be good times. We do have friends in high places to hopefully help guide us in this new adventure, that's what I'm most excited about. We ain't going at it alone. We're blessed in that aspect.

Thanks for reading!

Keeping it realer than a Scientological closet homo that gets massages in private hotel rooms on the reg and does the ole reverse happy ending on the Masseur. 

Also, RIP to some legends last week. Junior Seau really hurt my heart, dog.

I loved that guy and he was a major inspiration for pretty much all my workouts from 7^th grade through probably my Senior Year of HS. A Saint and Philanthropist off the field, and an absolute beast on it, that played with a ferociousness and non-stop motor that you rarely see now a days. Like a freaking offspring of a Grizzly Bear that made bang bang bang with a Lion and just went ape-shit on the field. One of my first true heroes besides my Dad and Emmitt Smith. It was a truly sad day for me.

AND, MCA was a legit legend. 

 

The craziest most outspoken Beastie Boy for a lot of years and to see some Whiteboys get so much respect in the game from some of the most respected rappers in that genre was phenomenal. They came hard and did what they did with approximately zero fucks given as to what others thought of them, and it worked out beautifully for them. A talented bunch of Jewish/white kids that took the game by storm and even opened doors that helped make that genre what it is today. And in honor of MCA, I just wanted to say I will be dropping a new album under the name Dickey Boy Valentine in the coming months. 

Expect a few club bangers much like Black Eyed Peas shit, but edgier, kind of like Flo Ridah who is also very soft like terry cloth. But I want to be a soft rapper so I don't get shot. WAP 100, do you have my back, playboy? Ima need you when I drop my tracks.

Also, Shout out to my man and former K-State B-ball star Quentin Buchanan. AKA @QBIZZY on Twitter. AKA Petey Wheatstraw. This cat was always a basketball stud and it sucked that he had to leave Leesville at a younger age, because I almost hate to fathom what might have happened had he stayed. LV might have had 3 rings during his years there had he stayed with JJ-Joiner(with the 3 Pointer), (Jeff “long arm” Brown who was the closest thing to Iverson LV ever saw), (Darnell “B'Lacc” Bradley), (Eric “Burger” Woods) (Derek Wright), (Johnie “King” Hearns), (Keith “Butternut” Lawton), (Jerry “Straight up BEAST” Henton), (Dave “that's my dude” Bailey) and a few others I'm sure I'm forgetting . But he succeeded somewhere else and made a name for himself. I'm proud to call him a friend. Follow this dude on Twitter again.......

@QBIZZY! Dude drops mad gems and some funny things on the reg on the Twitter-space. He's a good dude and fun to follow. I appreciate his plugs for me too. We go way back to the ole New Llano days when we'd have war at Adam “Cito” Martins house in the Jr. High days and Q would just dominate all of us, even though he was a year younger. My man! Knew he was gonna rock the NCAA when he got there. He had all the tools at a very young age. OK, enough blow jobs for broseph. But follow my dude! FACT!