I have the style of a shit head that made sex with a snapping turtle.

 Kenny: (To Tracy) What did I tell you? I said put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit. 

Tracy: This is my eveningwear! What the fuck do you know about style? 

Kenny: I know one of us has had his own personal stylist, and the other shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug, that's what I know. Alright, what else you got? 

Kenny: Honey, I love you...I think you're a terrific girl — but you got clothes like a fuckin' dickhead. 

Well that's pretty much me. I dress like a complete shithead. I'm well aware of it. I even spend a lot of money on clothes, but they just don't seem to fit my style. I have to buy baggie shirts because I have the bulging chest, shoulders and biceps of Arnold umm Schwartszneasgeseggear(sp) Which is a good thing. Also my thighs are bigger than my waist and hips.    

See I wanted to dress just like that. My whole life! I'd even find random black dudes and be like "Dillon, you son of a bitch! what's tha matta, the CIA got you pushing too many pencils?"

And of course I'd do this hand shake with them......    

A kid in elementary school that used to ride my nuts once told me I'd look just like Arnold. 

So I used to could wear Levi's Silver Tabs (they were the only jeans that fit me properly) but I don't think they made those since before 9/11. Now I shop at Old Navy to buy my jeans. They fit me perfectly and the best part is I give them 5 dollars for the jeans and they give me 7 dollars in change. Cheapest fucking store ever, which is a WIN! I always use those other 2 dollars to buy a ball that lights up when it bounces and I play with that fucker for hours. Mariah likes playing with it too, but I'm like “eff you, get your own, dead beat. You aren't earning any money for this family.”

So here goes a brief rundown in chronological order and some pictures of how I dressed at different ages and what a depressing little fucking butt hole I must have looked like.         

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (6^th Grade, but pretty much all grades)

For a lot of my elementary school years I was a latch key kid. My folks would both leave the house before 7am and my mom wouldn't be home til like 4:30 and Red wouldn't make it home til like after dark. Dude was a workaholic, the exact opposite of me. I'm an alcoholic though, so I was pretty close. Anyway, my mom would lay clothes out for me to wear but I wouldn't wear them shits. Instead I put on some gray Nike Shorts, a blue practice football jersey and some cleets. I wore that shit everyday. One day the principal called my dad and told him to come pick me up because I was dressed inappropriately. My dad was so pissed. What they all failed to understand was that I only went to school for recess, I gave like zero fucks about school. So that was my first experience of dressing like a dumb red neck, hillbilly fuck stick. (SORRY NO PICS) I'm sure I have one somewhere, but you should be able to vision a 12 year old wearing a practice football jersey with some baseball cleats.  

    

JUNIOR HIGH: I always bought the old Jordans. When the new ones came out, I'd talk my mom into buying me the ones that came out 3 years ago. One time my dad went to footlocker with me and I tried on the new J's and I thought he was gonna buy them for me and he was like “Ok mother fucker, Dunk!” If you can dunk that 9 foot goal over in that corner I'll buy them for you. Shit, I barely touched the rim with my middle finger. But I did give him props for that trick though, because I'm using that shit on Mike Jr one day.       

HIGH SCHOOL: If I find a pair of jeans I like or that fit me decent, I wear them everyday. I mean 5 days a week, wash them on Saturday and wear them again on Monday. It wasn't like I had a lack of clothes. Aaron Woods and Smitty used to raid the eff out of my closet and take all my good shit. Woods stole at least 8 of my favorite Tommy Hilfiger shirts and that's when Tommy Hill was still cool. Now they are no better than Nautica. That one hurt because Tommy fit me perfectly. Anyway, one day me and Chad Adams stole all of Aaron Woods football jerseys when they were still fashionable and I wore his Deion Sanders jersey he just got for Christmas (and double bonus because it was just after Deion had signed with Dallas) and then Chad had on his Dan Marino Jersey. I think Woods was mad about Deion, but he was livid about his Dan Marino jersey. Me and Chad both showed up Monday wearing his shit. He gave me a mean mug, but with a head shake or in internet speak :smdh: but he let that go, but he looked at Chad like chad was that coach for the minor league hockey team in “Happy Gilmore” and he was gonna bum rush the fuck out of him and kill him. Woods loved his Dan Marino jersey. Also he sported that Jr Seau jersey on the reg which was awesome and I would have copped that, but it was skin tight. I would have looked like a fucking hob knobb had I tried to wear it since I was way more muscular and handsome than Woods was back then. But just for giggles, here's me looking like a complete moron at the expense of the First Baptist Church of Leesville...

COLLEGE: Same with the Tommy's. Only now I was wearing Jorts with the Tommy's. I think it may have been in style in Monroe because lots of New Orleans dudes were there and they dressed kind of like me, so we all looked like shit heads together. The difference though: They wore footie socks with super white shoes. I wore knee high Nike socks with dirty ass old Jordans. This was 98/99. Those J's came out in 95. So I started wearing the K-Swiss with footies. In fact, my everyday uniform became Cargo Khakis with white t-shirts. Me and Cito aka Adam Martin kind of brought this style to Monroe and it actually took off. We had like 200 fresh white T's, the khaki shorts(sometimes jorts) and white shoes. As long as you wore a gold chain and had diamond or fake diamond earrings, you were on point. I still hate myself for that trend though. At least I had my padna Keith Lawton to share clothes with, so it's like we never had to go to the mall, we just traded clothes on the reg and I don't think anyone noticed.        

AFTER COLLEGE: Still dressed like a dickhead. Now it's a year later and I have basically the same style, except now when it's not the khaki shorts with white t's, it's Adidas pants with white T's. And a fucking Seattle Mariner hat turned backwards to top it off. I didn't even like the Mariners. I liked Ken Griffey Jr, and I think he played for the Reds then. I was such a fucking O-tard. BUT.......

GOT THAT JOB AT FORT POLK: and we all had to wear uniforms. So it felt good looking like a dickhead with everyone else. From then on I only interview for jobs where we had to wear uniforms because I hate style. It's a lot easier having someone else make you look like a moron than making yourself look like one.     

SOME PICTURES OF ME LOOKING LIKE A FIG!.......

Uhh, HERE I AM LOOKING LIKE A DICKHEAD IN IRAQ

(again with the football jerseys, but at least it was a Bo Jackson Throwback)

FUCK STICK ALERT! FUCK STICK ALERT!

(lolol Tommy mother effin Bahama in Costa Rica)

"What.. no, I mean, I do love that shirt you got me, I admire Sir Tommy Bahama an awful lot, he's a talented man, but tonight I feel this is inappropriate."--Aldous Snow 

 Oh look, here I am again in Dubai looking like Johnny Bravo wearing the same ole oversized Polo with some Khaki cargo shorts. Fucking loser!

 OH, Australia right? New Style, it's 2007. WRONG! 

(Baggy Polo with the guess what? Khaki Cargos. Mike, you dumb shit!)

Oh, guess what, we're going to Cali in 2009. New Style right. WRONG!

(SAME EXACT SHIT! Oversized Polo and some Khaki cargos)

So in conclusion, I dress like a mongoloid from the late 80's. But I'll never change. I'll be wearing over-sized polo's and non frat khaki shorts til the day that I die. That's just how I roll and zero fucks are given. It just sucks when we have to go to a club and I wear like the same pair of jeans and a black button up shirt EVERY FUCKING TIME. If you go through our pictures on FB, you'll notice the pattern that covers like 5 years of me wearing just that. My going out outfit. But no matter, I'm always just Mike. If I become a billionaire, I ain't changing shit. I like dressing like a shithead! FACT          

Keeping it realer than that dude that wears wife beaters with man titties.           

R. Michael Hicks the 1st.