Happy Mothers Day/ And Breast feeding the right way!

In honor of mothers day I figured I'd talk about breast milk. The child's first source of nutrition for the first few days of birth. It's important. It's just one of the many millions of reasons why titties are so awesome.

"All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant. And a sugar cookie!"

                                                       DYLON: "A sugar cookie man?"

So we've all been seeing it in the news recently and even in TIME Magazine.....so needless to say it's become an issue. In his defense he's only 100 months old, so it's not all that bad.

Also I know lots of guys who are still sucking titties and they're damn near 40. (Although) I realize it's different when they aren't sucking the Teet of their own mother which is kind of gross. I don't think my daughter breast fed more than 2 weeks. I was glad too, because I was jealous of her. But that's beside the point. I figured since this is a once in a lifetime thing, why not make a shit ton of jokes about it. Here are just a few off the top of my head:

1. Q: Which kind of bees make milk? A: Boo Bees. Whacka whacka.
2. Whoever said there's no use in crying over spilt milk obviously never pumped 6 ounces and then dropped it, while your baby was going ape-shit about wanting her milk.
3. Why are womens breasts like a trainset that a kid gets for christmas? Because they were both designed for kids but dads like to play with them, also.
4. What did the baby say to his mother after breastfeeding?
   A: Thanks for the mammaries! Lolz

OK, enough cheap lulz about breastfeeding and back to the story at hand. I think the World Health Organization says 2 years old is old enough to stop sucking the teet. Other magazines that my wife reads and I too read them when I'm using the bathroom and there are no other magazines available, like Cosmo, US Weekly, Elle, SELF, style, Women's Weekly, Glamour and Shape (which is like the shittiest magazine ever), it's just like Men's Health or Men's Fitness. The Magazine is approximately 140 pages long. 125 of those pages are ads. They are advertisements telling you what supplements you should take and how they made some 400 lb broad lose 260 lbs in 2 weeks by drinking 1 shake a day and then watching a video that taught them how to exercise (The proper way for 3 minutes a day, for only 2 days a week). Totally legit. Anyway, none of those magazines really say a whole lot about breast feeding, but they do have decent articles on how to tan without getting skin cancer and some great recipes etc. Also they have great sex tips(most of them don't work however) but I practice them anyway. Oh, I also like to judge fashion police: aka “Who Wore That Shit Better?” What's dumb is they'll usually compare someone like Rihanna to Taylor Swift. Ri-Ri always gets my vote, even when she wears something fucking ugly. She's just hotter though. Oh and in case nobody already knew, the 90210 Feud Ends! Tori Spelling and Shannen Doherty squashed their beef and are now friends again. Now they can both do a Lifetime Movie together. 

ALSO: TRUE STORY

My little sister Alexis graduated High School Yesterday and I stood up in front of everyone screaming “Donna Martin Graduates! Donna Martin Graduates!” 

                                             (Bonus Purnts if you get this reference!)

So back to the nipple sucking, whoops, I mean booby sucking.

So this kid probably shouldn't be sucking his moms tits anymore. At least that's my humble opinion. I've been wrong before. But as soon as you're old enough to know how to unbutton a blouse, too old to be in the same room with mommy and daddy when they are making bang bang bang. Or when you're old enough to be in a room where HBO or CINEMAX is on and your mom or dad has to tell you to cover your eyes when they show titties.....Then you are too old to breast feed. Case Closed!/

Also I promised you guys a blog on how I dress. I dress like a shit head, that's for sure. I have no sense of style. I still wear cargo khaki shorts and baggy polo shirts. I know I'm out of style. About the only thing I don't do wrong is wear black socks with shorts, or socks with sandles for that matter, and I don't wear Jorts. 

 

In my next blog I will go into greater detail as to how I dress and maybe you guys can help me develop a style for myself. I'm 32 and dress like I'm still in High School. So I could use your help.

Keeping it realer than a 13 year old that sucks his mums tits on the reg and tells his friends it's better for me than cows milk!

ETA: I hope this didn't offend anybody. I'd imagine if you're offended by any of this then you are still letting your 5^th grader suck them tittays. If you think the subject matter is inappropriate, I can make a list of things for you that are way more serious and hopefully your naïveity will go away and you'll realize we live in a world where sucking tits isn't a real big deal in the grand scheme of things. Pick your battles accordingly.