SPOILERS: There are thousands of them...........

And they are pissed!

Saturday night while LSU was focus ass whooping Oregon, during one of the commercials I was looking at the guide on the TV and noticed on one of the showtime channels there was this movie called "Piranha." Well pretty much I was already sold, I didn't even need to read the description or anything, I've never heard of it, never seen a preview and didn't even know who was in it, but with a name like "Piranha" it was a given that I would probably love it. So I hit the record button and ended up watching it last night. I must warn you now, this will contain Spoilers so if you plan on watching this awesome movie and haven't seen it yet, you should probably watch it first, then come back and read this afterwards. And for those of you that aren't sold on just the name like I was, here are a few particulars that might just put the cherry on top for you. 

Piranha. 2010 rated R for strong language, violence, gore and a shit ton of titties.
Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry "Says Bro A Lot" O'Connell, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd and probably most importantly the hero of the movie, the guy that played Derek in "Stepbrothers." 

So it begins with Richard Dreyfuss out fishing in a little john boat in Lake Victoria in Arizona. It's like the eve of Spring Break of course and all of a sudden there is this rumble. Turns out there is this earthquake happening that is very soft like terry cloth, maybe even softer than the one that hit D.C. like 2 weeks ago. But there is this ancient underwater volcano or something(I'm not a fucking geologist so just bare with me) and it opens up, causing a whirlpool right where Richard Dreyfuss happens to be fishing. He's like "Oh Shit, what is happening?" and his boat is just spinning around like he is in a toilet that just got flushed. 

While all of this is going on, the camera veers to the bottom of the lake and you see all these fish swimming the opposite direction of the whirlpool and they are all making these noises like the Gremlins make when they eat after midnight. Then Dreyfuss falls in the water and within seconds he is being attacked by these ancient piranhas. At first he's like "Owe, ooh, ouch." But then it gets progressively stronger and before you know it, all of his skin and muscle tissue is gone. This is when you know "Oh FUCK! Shit is about to get real."

Elisabeth Shue is the Sheriff and Ving Rhames is her deputy. They are worried about all the 50,000+ college kids coming into town to celebrate Spring Break. Elisabeth Shue's son Jake is a teenager and you can tell that he doesn't really fit in because his mom is a cop. 

Well this is when Jerry O'Connell comes into the picture because he's there filming this Girls Gone Wild type of movie and he hires Jake as the "Location Scout" because he's lived there forever and knows the lake. There's these 2 chicks accompanying Jerry O'Connell and they both have huge tits. 

They are the stars of his show so Jake is all about it. And before all this happens, Jake's ex-girlfriend Kelly is back in town and she has a new boyfriend. Jake is saying bye to her and her new boyfriends best friend riding shotgun throws a fucking slushy all over Jake. Jake is too much of a pussy to do anything about it so he just walks off like George Michael often does in Arrested Development....

and goes to pick up his little sister who is making friends with one of the Big Tittied chicks that's gonna star in Jerry O'Connells movie. That's how Jake lucks out and gets this gig. So O'Connell is like "Tomorrow bro, you be there and I'll pay you to ride around with us in a boat and watch me do a ton of blow, drink a whole bottle of tequilla and observe titties, all day!" and Jake is like "Cool dude, I'm there bro!"...But Shit! Jake forgets he has to babysit his little brother and sister because his mom(Sheriff Elisabeth Shue) will be busy with the spring breakers. She even gives him a guilt trip for good measure after his little sister rats him out about his new job and he lies to his mom, then pays his little brother and sister 60 dollars to stay home alone and keep their mouths shut. The little girl really fucks Jake over though because he was only gonna pay $40, but she jews him up to 60 and she didn't even want a baby sitter anyway, so it's like win/win for her. As Jake is about to board Jerry O'Connells boat, his ex girlfriend Kelly sees him and she's all "Oh my boyfriend is a dick, can I come with you guys?" and of course she gets to ride. By this time Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames have discovered Richard Dreyfuss's body and think he was eaten alive by something toxic. They are now worried that the lake may be contaminated with some kind of flesh eating poison or bacteria but they can't just close the lake or the town will lose so much money, just like in Jaws where Chief Brody wanted to close the beach but the greedy mayor tried to fire him for that shit. Huge mistake! 

After the mini earthquake a few days ago, some geologists show up almost immediately to investigate the aftermath and the shifting of the plates underwater. Derek from Stepbrothers is the only cool one out of these 3 geologist fags, then there's some chick that was so irrelevant that I can't remember what she looks like, and the other one was the Mexican dude from Desperate Housewives. Well good thing they don't matter because while they are diving, they swim into this underwater cave and BAM! The Piranhas start killing the shit out of them. Derek senses something isn't right, so his heroic ass jumps in and almost saves the chick, but there is nothing he can do about the essay from Desperate Housewives. The chick ends up dieing anyway, but they do have a piranha that was still eating her that gets stuck on the boat. Now it's a race against time to get this mysterious creature to a scientist played by Christopher Lloyd aka Doc Mother Fuckin Brown from Back to the Future, and figure out what the hell it is. 

They put it in an aquarium and start investigating it and Derek is like "There are thousands of them, and they are pissed!" and you can almost here this "Dunt dunt dunhhh" music playing because they realized how fucked they are. 

So now they run out to the lake and try to make everyone stop swimming. There is this huge Wet T-shirt contest going on and out of the 50,000 spring breakers, 49,995 of them are there. This is a part that was pretty hilarious because they're having this wet t-shirt contest right? And then the MC is like "When I say Tit, you say E's, TIT-" "EEEEES!" "TIT!" "EEEEES" It was awesome.

Ving Rhames is trying to get everyone's attention and he's like "Hey, get the eff out of the water you dumb crackers! there are some man eating mother fuckin bass swimming around here and they aim to kill all of you!' But then no one really listens or cares and they just go back to partying, not only that, but they all decide to jump in the water because he told them they shouldn't. Then I'm thinking "Well, good. I hope they all die for not listening to Ving Rhames!" and Melissa was like that's a terrible thing to say, they don't even know there are piranhas in the water yet and I was like "They fucking would have if they listened to my homie Ving Rhames." I have no sympathy for any of them now. Then sure enough, the feast begins. Thousands of people just getting their legs and faces bit off by these prehistoric beasts. 

And with that, the chaos continues to spread, even out of the water. There is this floating stage and people are killing each other trying to get on it and climbing the poles trying to get to the highest point, and it then tumps over because of all the weight. 

Ving Rhames and Elisabeth Shue now start randomly shooting shotguns and shit into the water trying to take out the Piranhas. Ving Rhames is really going hard, it seems like every time he shoots he's killing like 10 of them, then Elisabeth Shue has this pivotal moment and pulls out her taser. 

I'm thinking that maybe if she tases the water, it will electrocute all the fish. WRONG! All that happens is the taser sticks to like one fish and he's all "Don't tase me bro!" and it kills him, but that's about it. You can't really make much of a difference when it takes 2 minutes to tase one fish. It would take 2 years to kill all of them, at least. Then people start getting out of the water and Ving Rhames just straight jumps in the water and starts going fucking crazy, blasting his shotgun until it runs out of bullets, then he takes off the fucking motor from one of the boats, cranks that bitch up and starts sawing piranhas in half as they are trying to flash mob him....

Eventually they overtake him though and now it's up to Derek and Elisabeth Shue. But, Oh No! While all of this is happening, Elisabeth Shue's little kids get stuck on this island and Jake sees them and makes Jerry O'Connell go to pick them up. He is so pissed because he's high as hell off that booger sugar and Jake is like "Well, my mom is a cop" then O'Connell changes his whole tone like a little bitch and he's saying "Ok, lets go pick up those little kids bro, there is plenty of room on this boat bro." So after the kids are safely aboard, the boat gets stuck on some rocks. The Piranhas are now in the area just lurking, waiting on someone to jump in. And one of the big tittied chicks jumps in and gets eaten. Elisabeth Shue calls Jake on his cell phone and he finally tells her "Oh, I screwed up, blah blah blah, and the little kids are with me and we are stuck on this boat and about to die!" This is when Derek gets krunk and jacks a jet-ski and then he finds a bigger boat and him and Shue take off to save the kids. They arrive just in time because the boat is sinking and Jerry O'Connell falls in and they bite off his dick. 

And it shows the dick a few minutes later just floating around and a piranha comes out of nowhere and chomps on it, then it burps and spits it out. I know it was supposed to be comic relief but they really didn't need comic relief in a movie that's already a comedy. Also I forgot to mention that Jake's girlfriend Kelly was wasted, and she was puking and shit just before the situation went all to hell. She was down at the bottom of the boat trying to sleep it off just before the boat starts flooding and now she's stuck in there and these piranhas are all jumping up trying to bite her and she's beating them off with a fucking frying pan. 

Shue and Derek show up and tie a rope onto the bigger boat that all the kids are on. She then shimmies across and boards the boat like a Somali pirate, except she looks nowhere near as cool while she's doing it.

They then come up with a plan to get the one Big Tittied girl that's still alive and the 2 little kids across. Shue is telling Jake to go with them and he's all "No mom, I can't leave Kelly." and after a few minutes of arguing Elisabeth Shue is like "Ok, fine, I'll get your brother and sister to safety and I'll come back and help." Well on the way across the last big tittied chick that's still alive gets to a choke point on the rope and a piranha jumps up and gets in her hair. Then another one bites onto her ass. Before you know it she's falling off into the water and being attacked from several different directions. I was kind of disappointed because she was really nice to Jake and she had a British accent. I thought for sure she would be one of the survivors. Anyway, the kids and Elisabeth Shue make it back across and all of the sudden the rope breaks off the little boat. Oh shit, it's now up to just Jake to save Kelly and get out of this adverse situation. "Ah hah", Jake has a plan. They still have Jerry O'Connells body on the boat but he has no legs or penis. He is covered up with a towel and just when Jake goes to remove it, O'Connell comes back to life(startling the fuck out of me and I almost choked on my sunflower seeds) and he's saying "Ahh my dick, they ate my dick bro, Ahh they ate my dick." The selfish retard doesn't even appreciate the craziness of the situation or the fact that he's like 1 oz of blood away from death, all he cares about is his missing dick. They put way too much emphasis on his dick and I felt like the writers didn't believe strongly enough in their awesome script. It felt like they put this whole "Dick" part into the mix in case it was a shitty movie, they'd at least have one part that people laughed at. Ironically it turned out to be the only shitty part of the movie. 

Well Jake throws O'Connell's dickless body out into the water and all the fish just go after him. Never mind the fact that just a few minutes earlier these fish were eating 30,000 people but now they all seem to be satisfied with just half of a Jerry O'Connell. Jake then uses this huge plot hole to his advantage and jumps in and swims under the boat and tells Kelly "We only have a few minutes before these fish are done eating Jerry O'Connell, we have to hurry and get out of here." Then he makes this bomb. He gets on the radio and tells Derek, "We've got this rope, on the count of 10, just take off and pull us out of here!" Jake and Kelly then submerge themselves, make a bomb and start making out while Derek and Elisabeth Shue are counting down from 10 backwards. When they get to 1, Derek powers the boat up and....Nothing. He tries again, still nothing. Now the fish are done eating Jerry O'Connell and they are like 2 seconds from attacking Jake and Kelly when the boat finally starts up and they get pulled to safety while simultaneously the bomb goes off. 

All the piranhas start floating to the surface, the blast damn near killed all of them. Horrayyyy!!! The humans win. Derek looks out over the water and sees all the dead fish floating and says "Lolz, I thought dynamite fishing was illegal in Lake Victoria!" and they all start laughing, like at the end of Scooby Doo after they solve a mystery..........then Elisabeth Shu gets a call on the radio and it's Christopher Lloyd. He starts telling them "I'm afraid there is some bad news, this piranha I have in my aquarium has no reproductive organs or something, it's just a baby, they're all babies." Then she relays the message to Derek and he's like "Well if these are babies, where are the adults?" and just before he finishes saying that, he gets Samuel Yell Jackson'd by a big fucking Piranha. 

The End! 

Overall I have to say this was a great movie. Easily 4 Oprah Titties! And if you read all of this, WOW! Just WOW. But much love.

Take the redundancy out of the pleasantries....

Home Girl!

(Lots of nervous energy building up for this first College Football Saturday of the season, so there's no better way to burn it off than writing stories on the intrawebz)

Have you ever just walked by someone that you knew as an acquaintance, or maybe you don't know them at all and you just happen to be in an awkward position(i.e. walking by them in a narrow hallway or on a narrow sidewalk) so you make eye contact, smile and say "How are you doing?" Of course you have, we all do this shit on the reg. But when you do it, you don't actually want to know how they are doing. It used to be when you get asked "How are you doing?" in those situations you would just say "Fine, and you?" but now it's become such a redundant question, mother fuckers don't even bother responding. They just keep walking and ignore you pretty much. Or they make it even worse and smile back at you and keep walking and that's like saying "Yeah I'm smiling but go fuck yourself, I don't even know you and I'm not replying to your redundant question either, ass nuts!" SHIT, While we're on the topic, I can redundantly ask you how you're doing in like 6 different languages in case I'm in an awkward situation in a foreign country. I'll post those real quick along with the most racist or stereotypical picture I can find of people that speak that language.

SPANISH:  "Como esta?"

TAGOLOG: "Kumusta Ka?" or "Anong ginagawa no?

ITALIAN: "Come stai facendo?"

GERMAN: "Wie geht es dir?

FRENCH: "Comment le faites-vous?"

ARABIC:  "كيف حالك" naw I'm just playing, but I think it's "Shlonic Sadic?" 

I have like 15 more but this will take forever....

Anyway, the point is we need to find a way to stop this redundancy. Now I can't do it all by myself but if we all work together we can make people think twice before using a redundant pleasantry. We may not be able to stop it altogether, but we can certainly stop people from asking you "how are you doing?" when they really don't give a shit. So here is what you do, the next time you are forced into one of these situations let them ask you, (never be the aggressor in these situations) but as soon as they ask how you are doing, you just stop and tell them. Tell them what a shitty day you are having, or in some weird case where you are having a good day, you can tell them that too. Make sure you cover every detail and don't leave anything out.

EXAMPLE:  "Oh Em Geee you wouldn't believe the day I'm having, so the dog wakes me up at like 5:17 and he doesn't really talk or anything like Wilford on FX does, but I still kind of understand him, you know? Because when you have a pet for long enough you start to understand them. And he was pretty much telling me he had to go take a shit and I was like "What kind of shit, boy?" and he told me in his own way that it was gonna be a bad one. Like the runny kind and he pretty much apologized up front about having to come back in and probably getting that mustard colored shit on my carpet while he's wiping his ass...and when that happens you know you are in for a terrible day lolz. So he's done shitting at like 5:21 and sure enough, mustard colored feces stains are all over my ketchup colored carpet. So I'm like "I'M UP!" I went ahead and started my day by shampooing my carpet. I get done with that at 5:51 and decided I can make it to McDonald's and be one of the first people there when they open at 6. Well I was wrong about that shit. There was already like 14 people in line at the drive thru when I got there, finally at like 6:22 It's my turn to order and right before I tell them I want 2 sausage egg burritos, a hash brown and medium coffee the bitch says "Welcome to McDonald's...(PAUSE)...can I get you a strawberry lemonade?" Then that just totally threw me the fuck off and I was like "No. and Eww! that sounds gross for breakfast." and then I went blank. I forgot what I wanted to order. So then I just improvised and was like "Umm number 3"....Well the number 3 was not what I wanted and I was thinking "Yep, it's because the dog had to take a bad shit, that was an Omen and my day is fucked!" and then..., you guessed it, stuck in traffic on the way home. I finally get there at 7:04 and I barely have time to take a shower and the water is as cold as Eskimo tits. I have an 8 O'clock class and it takes me 49 minutes alone just to find a parking spot and I get stuck at every fucking red light on the way here and I have to walk into class late. Now I'm on my way to my 9 O'clock and you have me stuck here telling you my life story. Thanks Dick!"............ 

And then you look at your watch and take off in a dead sprint. That ought to hold em!(remember when we used to say that shit back in the 90's?)

So, do work. Stop people from saying unnecessary shit that they really don't mean. LSU is about to flash mob Oregon. Straight up focus ass whooping.(a Focus Ass Whooping is when you have already beat the piss out of them, but no one has broken the fight up yet, so you just slow down and take your time squaring up and hitting them in the temple as hard as you can with pinpoint accuracy. Putting as much power as you can into each blow. It's kind of like what Matt Damon did to that guy he knew from Kindagotten in "Good Will Hunting").....

Keeping it realer than your cousin who draws unemployment but still has to act like he's looking for a job so he just goes around job hunting wearing his camouflage hunting clothes and faded ass LSU hat and asks people "Are you hiring?" and when they say no, he's like "OK, but can you sign this so they know I was out trying?" 

Geaux Tigers! Eff the Razorbacks and LOL for putting that shit on Pay Per View. 

If you want to walk and text that's cool.....

But move the fuck out of my way before I go Bobby Boucher on your punk ass! 

Today I found myself hating on just about everything. It may just be because I'm getting older and more tired of the world, that I'm growing more pessimistic. I'm basically already the old man yelling at 12 year old's to "Get the fuck out of my yard, you're killing the grass!"(even in the middle of a 40 consecutive day heat wave of 100+ degree temperatures with no rain and the grass is already brown as shit)...

But that's what I'm turning into and I don't like it. We all hate on things/people to some degree, it's just our nature. Like when the lines at the gas station are full and you're 3 cars deep but not even in a real hurry, you just steady hate on the guy taking his time in the front of the line. You're all like "fucking shitty ass car, that car looks like if a Kia and a Pinto had sex and then took a shit together, it would be the baby!", "How are you gonna wear dickies with a tucked in shirt and a tie, pimp?" or "You look like you smell like metal or some old ass Sulphur oxide!" Shit like that, then you have to go in the store while you're waiting and you'll walk right by the guy and be like "oh, how ya doing?" And smile like he never did any wrong to you. It's really sissy ass shit that I catch myself doing. I'll be stuck in traffic cussing and making fun of everyone in front of me or beside me but if they rolled down their window and asked me what I'm talking about I'll probably say "Oh, just listening to this game on the radio and it's pissing me off!" Also when people try to start conversations with me I sometimes just blurt out something negative, without even thinking about it. I used to be very social and good at improvising a conversation when I meet new people, now I just feel like I have something better to do than to talk to you(if I don't already know you and even then, I would still probably rather do something else).  A few days ago this guy in one of my classes asked me if I ever shopped at Abercrombie or if I knew where one was, around here? Instead of saying something polite like, "No man, I sure don't know where one is." or "yeah, there is one in the mall not too far from here." I just blurted out "Fuck naw man! I couldn't even wear that shit when I was skinny because it only fits skinny, manorexic, tight jean wearing model types with hair that is very soft like chicken broth. Fucking Gay!" And he was like "Oh." probably doing the same thing I do thinking to himself "What a dick!" but too chicken shit to actually say it.

Anyway I do kind of like how Abercrombie hated on The Situation and paid him not to wear their attire, that was pretty cool and admirable. They should get Pauly D to rock their pretty boy shit, but it probably won't fit him either because he's not built like a girl and his arms are bigger than toothpicks.  

But yeah, I guess the point of this is I've just been kind of doing a self assessment and I don't like the negative person I've become. I used to be way more happy and playful when interacting with people. I wonder what made me this way? Is it really just because I'm getting older and less impressed with a lot of things? Is it because of the internet and the fact that I spend so much time on there, that I don't have to worry about offending it with an emotionally undignified response, therefor carrying over that same behavior in the real world? I don't want to turn into a complete dick like guys I used to make fun of. I'm now turning into that same asshole and need to stop being so spiteful. My goal this week(for the rest of it anyway) is to stop hating. Period.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go watch the College Football Season get kicked off with DeVry dominating ITT Tech on Pay Per View because I can afford it and you probably can't. Your mom is pregnant with 4 kids by 4 different daddies that all smell like feet and wear mustard stained wife beaters under their buttoned up abercrombie shirt tucked into some dickies with a clip on tie. 

Stop Hating!

Oh you just got an Escalade? That's awesome bro.....

Because Kenny Powers is following me on Twitter.

This has been an awesome year for Leesville alumni. Josh Quayhagen is steadily dominating the MMA ranks, knocking effers out on the reg with one kicker quitters like Frank Dux in the 88 Kumite.

TRUE STORY: I was once with Quay in Hong Kong before a very prestigious martial arts tournament where only the best fighters from all parts of the world are invited to participate and when we were trying to sign him in they didn't believe he was who he said he was. I was like "What is the hold up?" and they were all "He says Senzo Tanaka is his Shidoshi." and I was like "What difference does it make, even if Bruce Springsteen is his Shidoshi?" and the Officials got all pissy and said "If Senzo Tanaka is his Shidoshi, then show us the Dim Mak!", and I was all "What the hell is the Dim Mak?" and the Official goes "Death Touch!". The room got so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. I mean literally. People always say that shit, you know, "It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop." But it really did get that quiet, some dude named Kim Ji Yong(one of the respective fighters from Korea) was in the far corner of the room and he dropped his pin, and I heard that shit. Very clearly. That's how quiet it got. Anyway, so they stacked up some bricks, 3 stacks of bricks with like 5 or 6 bricks in each stack....but this is where it gets tricky. They pointed to one of the bricks on the bottom of the stack and they wanted him to break that one. I probably don't have to tell you what happened next because if you know Quay, you know he's knocked more mother fuckers out than Roofies.

Of course he breaks the brick and immediately gains the respect of pretty much the entire room, except for this one arrogant, cocky ass butt hole named Chong Li. Chong Li was like "Very good, but brick not hit back." 

I was like "ooohhh, I smell a challenge."

So anyway, back on topic. We have Quay representing Leesville hard, doing great things. Then we have Michael Ford who happens to be one of the strongest college football players in the country and looking to have a big year for a National Championship contender with a great tradition of graduating Running Backs to the next level.  

We have Keith Zinger who just recently signed with the Jets and a lot of people(especially in New Jersey) seem to think they are Superbowl contenders(Not me though, I'm thinking New England and probably Dallas and fuck you if you don't think Dallas!)

We have Keith Smith who was a year behind me at LHS that turned into an absolute stud at McNeese(Some scouts were quoted as calling him the best deep coverage Cornerback in all of college football during his time there) and went on to play a few years with the Detroit Lions and most recently the San Francisco 94'ers(I call them the 94'ers because they haven't done shit since like 94 lolz).

We have LEGENDS like Kevin Mawae who's entire family contributed to the greatness of LHS football while they were in High School while him and his brother John went on to have great careers at LSU. Then Kevin became an All-Everything Center in the NFL that was arguably the most respected Offensive Lineman by his peers in the league, on and off the field. I could probably write 30 pages on all the great things he has done as a player and philanthropist, and he is still playing a huge role in the NFLPA.

His younger brother Mark was an All-American QB for the Leesville Sunday League, one of the most violent leagues known to man where you could witness young men shedding blood and breaking bones on the reg if you happened to drive by the Leesville Junior High Practice field on any given Sunday during the fall. 

We have Demond Mallet, currently dominating professional basketball in Europe. He probably could have made it to the Major League had he chosen baseball, but instead he's just a Champeeen over in Europe winning trophies and whatnot on the reg. One time while we were playing 3 on 3 over at Bailey and J-Scogg's house, Demond jumped over 4 people and dunked it 3 times all at once. I mean on the same jump, he was in the air, and just kept on dunking it repeatedly, 3 times. Then he floated back down to the ground. It was awesome. 

We've got Clark Reehm living his dream as a Bassmaster Elite Series Pro. Clark once caught a Bass that weighed 744 lbs, but threw it back because he's so unselfish and the fish was pregnant. Now thanks to Clark, there are like 7 or 8 Bass swimming around in some river in Texas all weighing more than your Grandma, because of his very unselfish act. When asked by a reporter why he let the fish go, Clark simply replied "It's all about multiplication, homes!"

We've had so many great names come through The Ville. Eddie Fuller who caught the legendary touchdown pass from Tommy Hodson that beat Auburn and caused an earthquake in Death Valley(the Baton Rouge Death Valley, not the California Death Valley because that's just normal there) then later went on to play for at least 3 Superbowl teams in Buffalo(although they lost all of them, 2 to Dallas might I add).

Raymond Smoot who played on the Offensive Line for the Chargers in the early 90's. Another particular Running Back that I happened to play with in High School that had all of the talent in the world, blew peoples minds during his short time at LSU including like an 80 yard touchdown run while wearing only one shoe against an Auburn defense with 3 of the best linebackers ever...but had some bad luck and a few run-ins with the law that somewhat hampered his career in the NFL. Not gonna say his name but it rhymes with Becil Bollins. 

I'm sure I'm forgetting a few great names that came out of that small town in Vernon Parish located just north of Lake Charles and west of Alexandria. Sometimes described as "Umm it's about 2 hours south of Shreveport" or "like 3 hours from Houston" or "Do you know where Fort Polk is, well it's right there next to it." The town that used to fall under the 318 area code and I got a tattoo my Senior year that said "318 for Life" and like 2 months later they changed it to 337. Fucking Assholes! Anyway, the point of this story is that we've had so many great people come out of this area and not all just professional athletes or sports figures, but some great minds as well, someone that worked for NASA and some that went on to teach at prestigious Universities etc.. 

It's very respectable and admirable, the things these people that I've mentioned have accomplished. But none of them are being followed by Kenny Powers on Twitter.  

But do you know who is? Mike Hicks! That's who.  

So yeah. That's pretty much all I wanted to tell you. 

Subscribe to my blog. Write comments. Follow me on Twitter too, just like Kenny Powers. Tell your friends you know Mike Hicks and that Kenny Fucking Powers is following him on Twitter. Have a good week. Peace!

It could always be worse...........

I could be Perez Hilton. 

There is some 17 year old kid in Mississippi or West Virgina right now that just found out his fat, toothless girlfriend with a huge, hairy ass mole on her left cheek and a bad case of halitosis is pregnant(probably with triplets) the day after he lost his job collecting baskets at the Wal Marks because he got caught huffing paint out in the parking lot with his best friend Jerry Joe that gives him rides to work(for like 7 dollars a day in gas money to drive less than a mile), then that afternoon he went mud riding in his 74 Ford pick-up truck(with 4 different tires and no power steering) and got pulled over on the way home and got a ticket for not wearing his seatbelt, then the cop searched and found his last little roach of weed in his glove box so he had to go to the local jail for 4 hours getting his B-hole and nut sack caressed and rubbed on by some Big Gay Bear named "Pretty Donald"

the entire time while he's in the cell waiting on his Dad(that beats him worse than Chris Brown beats Rhianna) to come pick him up, then the guard brings his ham sammich to him because he hasn't eaten all day and Donald hocks a huge fucking loogie on it before threatening to turn his mouth into a vagina.....Well this kid still had a better day than I had on Tuesday. 

Some days you just wake up and by the time you pour your first cup of coffee, you have this intuitive feeling that "Today is gonna be an incredibly shitty day!" I started back exercising rather hard a few weeks ago because my dad lost a lot of weight and I don't want him to weigh less than me. So Tuesday morning I ran my ass off and had to squeeze it in because I was pressed for time, then by the time I get in the shower my nose starts bleeding(because of the extreme temperature changes I'm guessing, not because I have a nose candy problem like your Grandma). Not just a small nose bleed like Charlie Sheen gets when he rails 3 eight balls before a meeting with his publicist(btw Charlie Sheen hates cocaine, he just loves the way it smells) , but it's like the flood gates opened. Like when Rambo shot off that Burmese soldiers head at point blank range with a 50 Cal in the last Rambo Movie, that's about how much blood was oozing out of my nose. 

So I finally get that stopped and it's 8:55. I have to be in my class at 9:30. That's about a 12 minute drive plus you have to factor in a shitty parking situation. Approximately 15,000 cars attend my University. There are only 2,000 parking spots. Arkansas sucks at Logistics and planning. Oh, and everything else. Every statistical category that ever existed, Arkansas sucks at it. So I get about 3 minutes down the street and I realize I left my schedule at home. There was no way I could recall which room or even which building my first class was in, so I had to make an executive decision to turn around and drive home. Going back home for anything is the unluckiest thing you can possibly do. That's what OJ did, he forgot his golf shoes, then went back home for them and BAM! his ex-wife and her new boyfriend were brutally murdered and the guy that did it used OJ's glove and everything. Basically nothing good can happen when you turn back. I did it anyway. So now 8:55 turns into 9:06. I then get behind every fucking slow ass in town. I felt like I was following Shirlon on his moped in Leesville when he'd hold up traffic for like 20 miles between Leesville and DeRidder.

I got behind at least 14 cars with handicapped stickers that drive like they walk(there is no fucking excuse for that shit)....I then arrive in the vicinity of the University and have to start circling every parking lot like a vulture waiting on a wounded armadillo to die. I end up getting lucky and this one fucktard is taking his time putting his books in the back of his truck(one by one, not all at once like most people with a cock and balls do), gets in slowly, adjusts his AC, and changes his CD to track 7 which is probably the gayest song ever written(I mean I couldn't hear it or anything, but it's an educated guess)...I'm clearly waiting for him to back out(for at least 4 minutes) then this other fucking butt hole driving a mustang on like 34 inch rims, bumping old ass Busta Rhymes songs from 1994 tries to jack me for my spot. I poked my head out of the window and gave him the same look that Charles Manson probably gives the parole board every time he's up for release. Dude must have been very soft like terry cloth because he put it in reverse and bailed ass. And it's a good thing he did because if not, I would have went straight CT and Ronnie on him at the same time. And not "Xenadrine" Ronnie, but HGH I'll steroid kill the fuck out of you Ronnie.....

...so I get my spot and it's 9:27. I have to sprint for almost a mile to make it to my building on the other side of campus. It's hotter than Fuck. (How hot is Fuck do you ask? Well "Fuck" is 2 different temperatures, one "Fuck" is approx 99 degrees Fahrenheit. The other "Fuck" is about 45 degrees Fahrenheit. So if it's more than 99 degrees, it's hotter than FUCK. if it's cooler than 45 degrees it's colder than FUCK. If it's exactly either 99 or 45 degrees, well then it's just FUCK.) I digress......So I damn near sprint to the building, get there and the class is on the 3rd floor. I walk in and I'm sweating like George W. Bush in a spelling bee. It looked like someone poured water over my bald head and I'm mouth breathing like Tony Soprano eating a cannoli after the 2 mile sprint and 3 stories of stairs that followed. I get seated and there are only 5 people in there(which is pretty weird) and no teacher. HORRAYYY! I made it. It's now 9:34 and the teacher is running late. I'm golden, right?

Turns out one of these 5 nerds says something about "Algorithms", then they start arguing about numerical terms I've never heard in my life. They were all laughing and telling jokes that weren't funny. It suddenly dawned on me that I may not belong here. I felt like Spongebob when he lost the Crusty Crab managerial position to Squidward in the Spongebob movie. This nervous, stomach churning feeling just came over me. I then ask "Uhh, so is this College Algebra?" Then the ring leader of the sophisticated know-it-alls started laughing all loud like he is Dr. Fucking Evil and was like "Ooom, oom Muwhahahaha. Muwhaaahahahaha" and his other 4 henchmen joined in and started doing the same laugh until this one little bitch that looks like Ben Linus from "Lost"............ 

Stopped the others from laughing and looked me dead in my eye and said "No, this is MATH 4913, Partial Differential Equations...you are in the wrong room." and with that, those fucking turds started laughing at me again. So now it's like 9:37 and the teacher is walking in as I'm making my exit and I asked her if she knew where my class was and she looked at me like I was asking her if I knew where I could go catch AIDS. Fuck that bitch! I just walked out and wanted to cry. But since I go hard I didn't cry and I poked my head back in the room and told all of them "Have fun not ever having sex with women, geniuses!" (Not really, but I wanted to)and I took off trying to find my class. The real irony was I went all the way home to get a fucking schedule that was wrong anyway. I might as well have just went without it and would have had the same result, maybe even a better one..... Well after traveling another combined 2 miles and 40 flights of stairs I finally found someone that could tell me where I needed to be. I show up there looking worse than I did for the faggy geniuses class that made fun of me for not having an IQ as high as them, even more sweaty and retarded looking than I did 20 minutes prior. I'm finally in the class I'm supposed to be in, almost 30 minutes late and have to sit in the last available seat in the front row in the far corner of the room like where the bad kids used to have to sit when they were in trouble and had to wear the cone on their head. 

This shit is getting too long so this last paragraph is a summary of the rest of my day: Had to hurry to my next class because it's another mile away. Get stuck behind this big gay bear for the 2nd day in a row taking up the entire sidewalk. Dude is like 5"2" and 488 lbs. He walks slower than Waka Flocka Flame can think. 

I Can't pass him because I'll look like a nerd that's in a hurry(like it mattered at this point). I Barely make it to my next class on time and get another shitty seat next to the people that no one wants to sit with. Then class is over and I have to walk another 4.7 miles back to my car in the "Hotter Than Fuck" heat and my front drivers side tire is flat(Fucking cherry on top). Probably because I made fun of a dude via facebook status update for riding donut not even 2 days earlier. I look up to God and say "I'm sorry for being such a dick lately! Please stop punishing me?" and since then my days haven't been so shitty.

Sorry this is so long. Probably doesn't matter because only like 15 of you will read it. I'll try to get back on track next week and do my regular routine but shit is getting real. Lots of homework and other things going on. Oh, and if you're making fun of me for being in College Algebra at the age of 31, it's because Arkansas is retarded and they wouldn't accept my credits from Louisiana in Algebra or Biology. If Arkansas went to London, one of those British dudes would call Arkansas "A fecking Tit." or "A fecking Wanker." Now sign up for my shit, subscribe, leave comments on here or at least Facebook so that I know you're reading. If not....I'll keep writing anyway. 

Oh and Danny McBride, if you're reading this, I'm down to come write for season 4 of Eastbound and I'll just finish this College shit later. Pretty much like I've been saying for the past 10 years. I'll just do it later.