It could always be worse...........

I could be Perez Hilton. 

There is some 17 year old kid in Mississippi or West Virgina right now that just found out his fat, toothless girlfriend with a huge, hairy ass mole on her left cheek and a bad case of halitosis is pregnant(probably with triplets) the day after he lost his job collecting baskets at the Wal Marks because he got caught huffing paint out in the parking lot with his best friend Jerry Joe that gives him rides to work(for like 7 dollars a day in gas money to drive less than a mile), then that afternoon he went mud riding in his 74 Ford pick-up truck(with 4 different tires and no power steering) and got pulled over on the way home and got a ticket for not wearing his seatbelt, then the cop searched and found his last little roach of weed in his glove box so he had to go to the local jail for 4 hours getting his B-hole and nut sack caressed and rubbed on by some Big Gay Bear named "Pretty Donald"

the entire time while he's in the cell waiting on his Dad(that beats him worse than Chris Brown beats Rhianna) to come pick him up, then the guard brings his ham sammich to him because he hasn't eaten all day and Donald hocks a huge fucking loogie on it before threatening to turn his mouth into a vagina.....Well this kid still had a better day than I had on Tuesday. 

Some days you just wake up and by the time you pour your first cup of coffee, you have this intuitive feeling that "Today is gonna be an incredibly shitty day!" I started back exercising rather hard a few weeks ago because my dad lost a lot of weight and I don't want him to weigh less than me. So Tuesday morning I ran my ass off and had to squeeze it in because I was pressed for time, then by the time I get in the shower my nose starts bleeding(because of the extreme temperature changes I'm guessing, not because I have a nose candy problem like your Grandma). Not just a small nose bleed like Charlie Sheen gets when he rails 3 eight balls before a meeting with his publicist(btw Charlie Sheen hates cocaine, he just loves the way it smells) , but it's like the flood gates opened. Like when Rambo shot off that Burmese soldiers head at point blank range with a 50 Cal in the last Rambo Movie, that's about how much blood was oozing out of my nose. 

So I finally get that stopped and it's 8:55. I have to be in my class at 9:30. That's about a 12 minute drive plus you have to factor in a shitty parking situation. Approximately 15,000 cars attend my University. There are only 2,000 parking spots. Arkansas sucks at Logistics and planning. Oh, and everything else. Every statistical category that ever existed, Arkansas sucks at it. So I get about 3 minutes down the street and I realize I left my schedule at home. There was no way I could recall which room or even which building my first class was in, so I had to make an executive decision to turn around and drive home. Going back home for anything is the unluckiest thing you can possibly do. That's what OJ did, he forgot his golf shoes, then went back home for them and BAM! his ex-wife and her new boyfriend were brutally murdered and the guy that did it used OJ's glove and everything. Basically nothing good can happen when you turn back. I did it anyway. So now 8:55 turns into 9:06. I then get behind every fucking slow ass in town. I felt like I was following Shirlon on his moped in Leesville when he'd hold up traffic for like 20 miles between Leesville and DeRidder.

I got behind at least 14 cars with handicapped stickers that drive like they walk(there is no fucking excuse for that shit)....I then arrive in the vicinity of the University and have to start circling every parking lot like a vulture waiting on a wounded armadillo to die. I end up getting lucky and this one fucktard is taking his time putting his books in the back of his truck(one by one, not all at once like most people with a cock and balls do), gets in slowly, adjusts his AC, and changes his CD to track 7 which is probably the gayest song ever written(I mean I couldn't hear it or anything, but it's an educated guess)...I'm clearly waiting for him to back out(for at least 4 minutes) then this other fucking butt hole driving a mustang on like 34 inch rims, bumping old ass Busta Rhymes songs from 1994 tries to jack me for my spot. I poked my head out of the window and gave him the same look that Charles Manson probably gives the parole board every time he's up for release. Dude must have been very soft like terry cloth because he put it in reverse and bailed ass. And it's a good thing he did because if not, I would have went straight CT and Ronnie on him at the same time. And not "Xenadrine" Ronnie, but HGH I'll steroid kill the fuck out of you Ronnie.....

...so I get my spot and it's 9:27. I have to sprint for almost a mile to make it to my building on the other side of campus. It's hotter than Fuck. (How hot is Fuck do you ask? Well "Fuck" is 2 different temperatures, one "Fuck" is approx 99 degrees Fahrenheit. The other "Fuck" is about 45 degrees Fahrenheit. So if it's more than 99 degrees, it's hotter than FUCK. if it's cooler than 45 degrees it's colder than FUCK. If it's exactly either 99 or 45 degrees, well then it's just FUCK.) I digress......So I damn near sprint to the building, get there and the class is on the 3rd floor. I walk in and I'm sweating like George W. Bush in a spelling bee. It looked like someone poured water over my bald head and I'm mouth breathing like Tony Soprano eating a cannoli after the 2 mile sprint and 3 stories of stairs that followed. I get seated and there are only 5 people in there(which is pretty weird) and no teacher. HORRAYYY! I made it. It's now 9:34 and the teacher is running late. I'm golden, right?

Turns out one of these 5 nerds says something about "Algorithms", then they start arguing about numerical terms I've never heard in my life. They were all laughing and telling jokes that weren't funny. It suddenly dawned on me that I may not belong here. I felt like Spongebob when he lost the Crusty Crab managerial position to Squidward in the Spongebob movie. This nervous, stomach churning feeling just came over me. I then ask "Uhh, so is this College Algebra?" Then the ring leader of the sophisticated know-it-alls started laughing all loud like he is Dr. Fucking Evil and was like "Ooom, oom Muwhahahaha. Muwhaaahahahaha" and his other 4 henchmen joined in and started doing the same laugh until this one little bitch that looks like Ben Linus from "Lost"............ 

Stopped the others from laughing and looked me dead in my eye and said "No, this is MATH 4913, Partial Differential Equations...you are in the wrong room." and with that, those fucking turds started laughing at me again. So now it's like 9:37 and the teacher is walking in as I'm making my exit and I asked her if she knew where my class was and she looked at me like I was asking her if I knew where I could go catch AIDS. Fuck that bitch! I just walked out and wanted to cry. But since I go hard I didn't cry and I poked my head back in the room and told all of them "Have fun not ever having sex with women, geniuses!" (Not really, but I wanted to)and I took off trying to find my class. The real irony was I went all the way home to get a fucking schedule that was wrong anyway. I might as well have just went without it and would have had the same result, maybe even a better one..... Well after traveling another combined 2 miles and 40 flights of stairs I finally found someone that could tell me where I needed to be. I show up there looking worse than I did for the faggy geniuses class that made fun of me for not having an IQ as high as them, even more sweaty and retarded looking than I did 20 minutes prior. I'm finally in the class I'm supposed to be in, almost 30 minutes late and have to sit in the last available seat in the front row in the far corner of the room like where the bad kids used to have to sit when they were in trouble and had to wear the cone on their head. 

This shit is getting too long so this last paragraph is a summary of the rest of my day: Had to hurry to my next class because it's another mile away. Get stuck behind this big gay bear for the 2nd day in a row taking up the entire sidewalk. Dude is like 5"2" and 488 lbs. He walks slower than Waka Flocka Flame can think. 

I Can't pass him because I'll look like a nerd that's in a hurry(like it mattered at this point). I Barely make it to my next class on time and get another shitty seat next to the people that no one wants to sit with. Then class is over and I have to walk another 4.7 miles back to my car in the "Hotter Than Fuck" heat and my front drivers side tire is flat(Fucking cherry on top). Probably because I made fun of a dude via facebook status update for riding donut not even 2 days earlier. I look up to God and say "I'm sorry for being such a dick lately! Please stop punishing me?" and since then my days haven't been so shitty.

Sorry this is so long. Probably doesn't matter because only like 15 of you will read it. I'll try to get back on track next week and do my regular routine but shit is getting real. Lots of homework and other things going on. Oh, and if you're making fun of me for being in College Algebra at the age of 31, it's because Arkansas is retarded and they wouldn't accept my credits from Louisiana in Algebra or Biology. If Arkansas went to London, one of those British dudes would call Arkansas "A fecking Tit." or "A fecking Wanker." Now sign up for my shit, subscribe, leave comments on here or at least Facebook so that I know you're reading. If not....I'll keep writing anyway. 

Oh and Danny McBride, if you're reading this, I'm down to come write for season 4 of Eastbound and I'll just finish this College shit later. Pretty much like I've been saying for the past 10 years. I'll just do it later.