Whoops, wrong number homey!

My phone is a shit head. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate change, so I've had this same phone since Obama was still attending Harvard and no one knew who Sarah Palin was. I didn't even get a cell phone until like 2002 because my mom bought it for me and made me use it in case of an emergency concerning my dads health and they may have to reach my unreachable ass. That is the only reason I accepted a cell phone. Anyway, it recently started doing hood rat things with it's friends and I don't know or understand why it does this. 

EXAMPLE: I have all my contacts saved, so I'll text my little sister Lexi and when she returns the text it says I have an incoming text from Walgreens. When I call Aaron Woods it clearly says "Aaron Woods" as I'm dialing out. If he returns the call (like a month later), his name is now Ginos Pizza. I have no idea why my phone shits the bed like this. It makes less sense than Tom Benson. It just appears as if it chooses to mix up these random names and numbers without my approval. So yesterday I got to school way too early and I decided to call my business partner Tommy Peek to kill some time. I call him my business partner because it makes us sound professional and more important than you and your friends. So I dial his number (Clearly it says I'm calling Tommy Peek at 1-800-DODOBOY) and the phone rings like 7 times and then I get a voice mail. It's an old lady talking about "uh uh I can't get to the phone, I'm not here, blah blah blah"...I just assume this is Tommy being funny because I've never heard his voice mail and I thought maybe it was something funny he does. Uses an old ladies voice for his answering service. I never once considered the possibility that I did maybe have the wrong number.

So I'm like "Yo, it's Mike, Bitch. Hit me back!" (That is verbatim). It's pretty much my standard operating procedure when I leave a voice mail. I say "Yo", then I say "It's Mike, Bitch." and I'll end it with a "hit me back" or "Get at me", that just varies, but the first 2 lines are guaranteed. This was about 5:00 PM Central time. If you were in New York or Florida it would have been 6pm. If you were in LA it would have been like 3 O'clock. If you were in Arizona I'm not sure what time it would have been because they don't have daylight savings times and shit which is awesome and it makes me want to move there. Anyway, none of this is important, but what is important is I just expected Tommy to call me back later last night.

So around 8 O'clock-ish we're all on facebook like a bunch of fags chatting about how terrible the Saints are etc. I'm actually chatting with Tommy when my phone rings and it says "Tommy Peek" on the caller ID. I decide to answer it, because that's what you do when people call you, unless you happen to be, I don't know, Woods or Scoggs because they don't answer the phone for shit. And Woods has like this Black Crows song they play at strip clubs as his background music while you're waiting on him to NOT answer. So I just pick up and immediately say "What up Broseph Montana, nice of you to finally call me back dick weed." .....Then this old lady is all, "Uh who is this? I got a call from this numba this afta noon."

 

                                      HOLY SHIT! 

It turns out Tommy really wasn't doing the ole "Old Lady answering service trick" after all. Now I'm shook. I have to think fast. Not only did I call this woman a bitch 3 hours prior to this call back, but I just called her a retarded name like Broseph Montana and topped it off by calling her a dick weed. I'm pretty good at thinking on my feet though and I said "Oh, this is Chris. I guess my friend Robbie Garrison must have called you on accident this afternoon. He stole my phone and his middle name is indeed 'Mike' so it makes sense. He's very rude and I apologize on his behalf. He's actually not a bad guy, but sometimes he gets liquored up and gets kind of rowdy and commits to these types of shenanigans. He also hangs out with kids that smokes with cigarettes."

She was actually very sweet about the whole ordeal and said "Oh don't worry about it hun, this happens all the time." And I was like "Tell me about it, Robert is such an alcoholic prick sometimes" and hung up.

I then message Tommy and told him to text me or call me asap, I had to figure this shit out and find out why my phone went full retard again. Well it turns out it wasn't my phones fault at all this time. I never put 2 and 2 together and when Tommy would call or text me, it never actually showed his name, I just recognized the number and mentally assumed it was him. However I did have his other "Wrong" number saved in my contacts. It just so happens that I normally returned the right number call instead and this was the first time I just went to the contacts and called him directly. I know, cool story bro. So anyway, the moral of the story is I'm getting an iPhone in June, finally. I'm also gonna get the Play Station 2 sometime this summer as well. So my phone is half retard and when I go half retard, you will get full retard and it's good times. 

Now I'll leave it at that. I have some reading and arithmetic to study. I've been up all night doing my school studies and since this is a house of learning doctors, I will tell you no more interesting shit that happens to me. That's all you get for now.

Keeping it realer than a Secret Service Agent getting dome for a discount in Cartagena. 
 
One more thing. I guess I can officially announce that we have pretty much started our own comedy troupe. Me and Tommy are Pee Pee Man and Doo Doo Boy. Woods, Garrison and Scoggs are part of our crew. And Mickey Slayer is our token black guy and vice president. We will be launching a web-site in the near future, writing jokes, sketches etc. and as soon as things slow down for most of us, we will have it all put together. We haven't really thought of a name yet although I want to call us "Sons of Dads" because we are in fact sons of dads. It's funny. Because it's true. But it's still in the debating phase. That, and I want to congratulate Tommy and Lacey again on bringing another little son of dad into the world pretty soon. 2012 will be a good and exciting year. Big things are poppin. Little things are not. Umm poppin. 

We aren't so different....You and I.

“Why does my black ass like Take A Bow by Madonna?” – Marquis Johnson

It's time for another racial breakthrough blog. If you hate black or white people, you'll probably like this one. If you don't hate black or white people, you'll probably like this one even more. I will warn you ahead of time, there may be instances where things aren't the proper amount of real. They may get just a little bit too real. Like on a “Real Scale” of (1-10), they'll probably get around a 12.2 instead of the perfect 8.5, which is where I normally like to keep it. Anyway, this all started when one of my best friends on the planet, Marquis Johnson (aka Mickey Slayer) was checking up on me because of my kidney stones. Again. I get these on the reg as all of you know. This all started with a question: “Damn Mike, why do you get these so often?” and my answer: “Because Kidney Stones are racist towards white people like sickle cell is racist towards black people.” Clearly a weak pun and attempt at humor but since Mickey lol'd a bit, this turned into one of our notorious crack fests that we can do for hours.  

A LITTLE BACKGROUND ON MICKEY SLAYER

A lot of you that have been reading my stuff since the myspace days like 7 years ago have seen me talk about him. When I first met Mick in Iraq, I thought he was the most Black, Militant, Malcolm X loving, Kill Whitey type of mother effer that existed. Turns out I was half right, he doesn't love Malcolm X, he's more of a Huey Newton type of guy. 

But I love Mick to death. He's turned out to be one of my realest friends in the world. We used to drink vodka flavored Gatorade and watch Mike Tyson's greatest KO's in my little garage I was living in (that Uday Hussein used to keep his Porsche in....true story), that's how we bonded. By just making fun of everyone on our FOB, cracking jokes while in the gym and having similar tastes in music(country western of course). And generally our friendship turned into 2 consistencies. 1.) We both hated this hall monitor type of nerd we called T-Shirt Patrol (TSP for short). He was the liaison between the military and the contractors and was a real penis head about doing his job. Took it way too serious  because he was always making people tuck in their shirts on the reg and just always shitting on our game. He hated seeing me and Mick together because I was a contractor and he was a soldier, so they knew we could duck certain rules with ease. And he(TSP) thought he was a grade A Karaoke performer, so we'd laugh at him together. Dude couldn't wait to perform "Lean With It Rock With It" every Thursday night. And 2.) We'd stay cracking jokes on each other. Turns out I think this is how I measure all my best friends. The more we can hate on each other, the more I love them....Now on with the story.

So during the course of our conversation we are telling the most current racist jokes we'd heard etc.(oh a good one real quick: This black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender asks him "Where did you get that thing?" and the Parrot yells out 'AFRICA!" whacka whacka) then I decided it would be interesting to ask ourselves questions and see how different we answer them, him being a black guy and of course I'm a pasty white fella. It was kind of the same premise as the Chappelle sketch “Ask a Black Guy” or “How Well Do You Know Black People?” I'll try to keep this as close to the actual script as possible, but I will edit some things because the 12.5 on realness could easily turn into a 77 million and we'd both be whacked out by either the BGF

or the Aryan Brotherhood, respectfully.

WE'LL START EASY:(as well as very cliche')

QUESTION: Did OJ do it?

MICK: OJ wasn't innocent, but Michael Jackson was.

ME: Holy Shit, you're the first black dude ever that said OJ is guilty except for Brian Gumbel . But I disagree. OJ was set up by the mafia for unpaid gambling debts. I got no comments on Michael. I think he was mentally retarded though.Like he had a child's mind. Still sick shit though. I get scared about giving my 2 year old daughter a bath, I for damn sure ain't sleeping with a bunch of adopted children named Apple and Blanket.

MICK: Why did Chris Browns popularity skyrocket after he whipped Rhianna's ass?

ME: What the fuck does that have to do with OJ? And where did that come from?

MICK: You white, and you would have beat her ass too if she made you wreck your Lambo.

ME: You suck at this Q and A shit. Lets try one more....MICK: I'm just sayin, I don't beat women but she is probably like Halle Berry, there's a reason dudes are dumping them and beating the shit out of them. Not that I'd do it.

QUESTION: What cartoons do you let or encourage your daughter to watch?

MICK: No cartoons, just Animal Planet. And NO MOTHER FUCKER, don't say “Why, cuz you're a monkey?”

ME: WOW that was the most preemptive racial defensive strike ever. I guess well played sir, but anyway, you don't like her watching Dora? did you see my tweet yesterday about how ridiculously dumb her and Diego are? Spongebob is a legit mongoloid but he has a higher IQ than Dora sometimes.

MICK: Yeah I saw that shit but No. Because I know 400 Mexicans and none of them act like Dora. That show is a god damn lie.

ME: And she has a HUGE Head. Usually Mexicans have well proportioned heads, like Filipinos, so Dora's head is way too big for her body. Big Head Ted like a mother fucker. That part bothers me. But I let Mariah watch it. I bet you wish they had a “SHENIQUA THE EXPLORER” and it was filmed in Africa instead of South America, hunh?

MICK: Hell Yeah.we need some cultural diversity. ME: But that bitch would get eaten by either a fucking crocodile or hippopotamus. They kill like 40K people a year. Swiper and Boots would get merked first, but Sheniqua wouldn't be far behind. Those African jungles aren't to be fucked with. Oh and they have Lions. Fuck. That. 

QUESTION: When you were a kid, did your black parents buy you the real "play doh", or did they mix up some flour and shit and make you play with that?

MICK: Hell Naw, the play doh was cheaper than the flour. My mom was too cheap to let me play with food.

ME: Weird. I never knew that. I was such a privileged white kid, I would have thought that the toy dough would cost more than the actual dough. Total mind blower. Although the Play Doh would last all of like 35 minutes before it was harder than Tat Lawson or Ron O'neal. Not to mention we'd make fake pizzas and eat that shit. Did black people do that? MICK: No. U stupid. 

QUESTION: Wondering if whites and blacks potty train our kids the same way, how old was your daughter when she learned to go on her own? How hard was it?

MICK: Not hard at all, I just took her with me when I had to go and she picked that shit up pretty easily.

ME: Damn dog, like a month ago Mariah shit herself so bad and hid from me for like 20 minutes because she hates me changing her diapers or something. But then she put her hands in her diaper and painted the wall with her shit, then she came at me and got this mustard colored shit all over my wrist and forearm. It was fucking gross. Do black babies do that shit?

MICK: Why does the white dude always pass the lie detector tests on Maury Povich but the black guys fail?

ME: That has absolutely shit to do with does your baby wipe shit on you, but it's because those lie detector tests are culturally biased. They are set up for black people to tell more lies I think. Because it's a scientific fact y'all are always lying. White people always tell the truth. Even when it's stupid to tell it, we do it anyway. 

MICK: Oh, no my daughter never wiped shit on me. I'd beat her in her ass. White babies are gross. 

QUESTION: What's the whitest thing you've ever done?

ME: I'll go first, I go to school and get an education. And I pay my bills and have good credit. You?

MICK: lol fuck you. Man, I don't know. Wait, Why do my black ass love that song “Take a Bow” by Madonna? Oh and I'm feeling Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

ME: Well who doesn't like both of those songs? That's weak shit. You had to have done some really whiteboy stuff before.

MICK: Ummm... I've done some outlandish shit... And I KNOW some of it was white related, probably with you in Iraq... I just can't remember it. But it was stupid shit like you white people do.

ME: It is kind of gay now that I think about it though that you were a fan of Queen.

MICK: Man, easy with that gay shit. I'm ok talking about this racist shit, but I don't like making fun of gay dudes. Trouble.

ME: No shit. We'll get Tracy fuckin Morgan'd. Shit, I'd rather climb up on a building in Harlem and scream out the N-word than to call a gay dude a “fag” in San Francisco. My survival chances are way higher in Harlem.

MICK: Truth. We can't cross that line.Gay dudes don't play. ME: After Omar from the wire, I never say anything really hurtful about the gays. I used to not be homophobic, I just wasn't comfortable around gays. But Omar made me Homophobic....because now we know Gay dudes will fucking kill you. I have a phobia of being shot in the face with a 12 gauge. 

QUESTION: Oh, I got one. The Tyler Perry Shit. I understand what he does for the black community and it's a very positive thing, but is that the only reason y'all pay to see his shit movies?

MICK: Dog, I don't like Tyler Perry. Dude ain't payin me shit.

ME: Well that's very Uncle Tom-ish of ya playboy. True Story though, Me and Melissa went to see “Act of Valor” that opening weekend about a month ago and the same night that new Tyler Perry movie came out, “Good Deeds” I think it was called. They were showing Act of Valor on 2 screens and it was jam packed at like t minus 45 mins. So I went to get some popcorn after we found our seats and I saw these 5 middle aged black chicks in line in front of me. I knew that Tyler Perry movie just came out and it was showing on the screen next to ours. So I started chatting them up because you know how I do, I have to talk to people just to do it. I love getting reactions and shit. But I was like “So, y'all here to see Act of Valor?” and the oldest black chick was like “What's that about?” and the younger girl said “Naw, we're here to see Good Deeds"....I don't know why I did it, but it just came out of me and I said “Well that's a fucking shocker.” I really didn't want to say it out loud, but it just came out. That inside stereotypical realism is a beast dog, it comes out sometimes. One of the girls had a sense of humor and she was like “you're a man, you don't like chick flicks do you?” and I wanted to say “NO, I just happen to hate anything where a black man dresses up like an old fat black woman since like 1990.” 

 

But I LOL'd it off and was like “Yeah, don't like the chick flicks.”

MICK: How come black dudes calls it “Dick” and white guys calls it “Cock”?

ME: That's absurd. I call it my PP though.

MICK: T-Shirt Patrol calls it his Ding-a-ling. Hate that bitch.

ME: Probably calls it his schlong. or actually refers to it as his tally-whacker. I do know that when he has sex with his wife he turns off all the lights and sticks it through the dickhole in his underwear.

QUESTION: Did you really vote for Obama or did you just already know all the other black people had it taken care of for you?

MICK: Stupid fucking question, you know I voted for Obama. Did you vote for Bush both times?

ME: Nope. Can't spell “BULLSHIT” without a B,U, S and H. Naw, I'm just playing, I voted for him in 2004 so that I wouldn't lose my job. Greed, homeboy. If Bush would have gotten booted, my contract prob would have ended, I wouldn't have met my wife in 05 and I wouldn't be here healing the world with all this racial sensitivity I'm exemplifying. But I won't lie to you Mick, I hate politics. I usually don't vote because I have way better shit to do on those Tuesdays and I hate lines. I wish Abraham Lincoln was running I'd vote for him. He seemed legit. This is also what I love about black people, generally they won't talk about politics except to brag that Obama won, which I can't blame them. Shit, remember when Brent Barry won the slam dunk contest back in like 96. I stayed bragging on the reg about that shit. White Man Did Jump.:BOW:

QUESTION: Why do black girls cut off all their hair so that they can glue on fake hair?

MICK: Because they black. ME: Good answer I guess.

ME: Do you have any questions for me?

MICK: Would you ever let your daughter date a black guy?

ME: I mean, I guess, but I'd prefer she doesn't because y'all are raw as fuck(meaning you) But I'd love for her to date a black guy like my boy K-Knight. He's successful on the reg. But I want her dating some nerdy ass Chinese dude. I mean since we're being honest. Or a rich Jewish lawyer. 

MICK: Why do white girls have flat asses, and why do y'all let your dogs kiss you in your mouth?

ME: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Too Far, homes. Too Far. You just crossed the line you fucking racist bigot.

ME: Oh, I got one more for you, do Black People celebrate Ground Hog Day?

MICK: What the fuck is Groundhog day?

ME: Shit, it's hard to explain, I guess it's just the day after welfare checks are handed out in February, if I had to come up with a definition.

MICK: Oh, then hell yeah, I love Ground Dog day. 

ME: One more for the road: Does your daughter attend a school with a black name? Like Booker T. Washington or some shit?

MICK: Hell naw nigga, my lil girl goes to a catholic school. And she's in gymnastics.

ME: You ole cracker ass cracker. Only white dudes do that shit for their kids.You're breaking too many stereotypes and that's unhealthy. We can't have people thinking Black people do responsible shit.

MICK: Carry on then Wigger. Finish your blog and let me proof read that shit so that James Earl Ray's nephew don't drag my ass behind a fucking ford pinto down here in Mobile. ME: lol, way to open up old wounds, dick.

So I guess it's safe to say we learned a lot from one another. Ultimately black people and white people are the same except black people still run faster, jump higher and dance way better and white people make wiser investments and have better portfolios. Oh, Mick did ask me if I think that all black people look alike and the best I can come up with is that there are like 5 categories of black people as far as looks go. Not all blacks look alike, but for the most part they'll fit into one of these categories 1.) You have the high yellow pretty boy black dudes like Genuine and Usher...Shit, even I think Genuine is sexy.

2.) You have the shorter, stockier ones(sometimes very muscular in most parts of their bodies, although their legs, calf's and ankles look skinnier at least relative to the rest of their body), but still have beer guts with huge necks and muscles in their chest) some of these types will have big ass Mick Jagger lips but big hearts and very likable and nonthreatening personalities. Teddy Bears if you will. Like my other brother from another mother Keith Lawton. Or Khalid El-Amin who was a beastly guard for that UConn National Championship team in 1999. These types generally make good point guards in basketball for some reason. On every playground in America, if you see a black dude built like this, pick him up because he knows how to handle the ball, he'll look to pass first and he'll jack a 3 when needed.

3.) You have those ugly ass Alien looking mother fuckers like Sam Cassell as a prime example. I think Ethiopians generally look like this too. That's a good/safe stereotype for a category 3.

And the 4^th category would be like Mickey Slayer. They blend in real well with about 70% of the rest of the black, male population. So they are the best at robbing banks because the descriptions are way harder to make. “Uhh he was a 5”9” black guy with a black hoodie.” It works both ways for them though. Lots of them make a break, but a lot more of them are doing stretches in Angola because they look like that other dude that robbed the circle K for 28 dollars, Newport's and a quick pick. I like to call this 4th category the "Shit Out Of Luck Category."......because it's hard to separate yourself from the pack.

The 5th category is something new we've been seeing in recent years. It's like a Super Race that's been engineered and it's no secret on any sports message board in America. These guys are built to dominate their respective sports with supreme athleticism and a huge upside (meaning a shit-ton of potential to grow as players) that makes it scary to think how good they may one day be, since most of them are relatively young in pro sports...but they are also becoming more common all across America in the Jr. Highs and High Schools. I call this 5th Category the Super Gingers. Blake Griffin, Jimmy Graham etc. are perfect examples.....

That's about it. Sorry this is too long, but hopefully it won't be incredibly boring for you and you'll learn some Kenny Powers type truth. Bottom line is we have to learn to live together and laugh at each other. We have to get so comfortable with each other and be secure enough in our differences that we don't go around shooting mother fuckers because they dress a certain way that only enhances a stereotype that's more so a cultural thing, and a style or fad is just that. A costume. A costume can say a few things about a person, but it may also hide an identity that you'll grow to love if you give them a chance. It's my personal crusade to see a day almost like MLK where we can all hate and rip on each other and then laugh about it. We have to stop being afraid of people because they have tattoos and earrings, braids or hooded sweatshirts and baggy pants. Chances are, if you get to know them, you'll become best homies like me and some people I could have ended up hating had I judged them on initial appearance and not their character. So go find you a mother fucker that scares you and say something they ain't ready for. Ask them where they got those J's. Ask them if they're feeling that new Lupe Fiasco. Ask them why Black dudes don't wear Wranglers. Maybe you can be the polar bear that breaks the ice....and once all the ice is broken, we can all start being happier and we can worry a little less about how our kids are gonna be living a decade or so from now. TRUTH.

Keeping it Realer than a white guy that might either get 2000 LOL's for a racist blog,or get skull drug like that shitkicker Don Imus. Either way, I hope y'all take it fwiw and try to not only feel me, but follow me.

What is funny? How can you be funny? Is it a learned behavior or a talent?

It's an age old question. It can be something simple like observations that you happen to notice, and point them out just before your friends realize them, but then they agree... and it turns into some lulz. For example, I used to always laugh at titties when I was a kid. I just thought they were funny when I was 8 or 9 years old. I told some college buddies this and they all agreed and laughed with me. Stupid fucking example, Yes. But an example none the less.

Oh, and before I get too far into this (and this has absolutely nothing to do with this blog btw), do any of you have like a soundtrack song playing in your head when you're walking around and shit? I was thinking about this during my wait at the Dr.'s office this morning. Whenever I get out of my car and start my walk to my classes I have that song by Pusha T "Trouble On My Mind" playing in my head and I feel so hood, and like everyone around me is noticing how hood I carry myself. 

I myself (for the most part) have always had a different way of looking at things. There are a shit ton of things that I think are hilarious, but I won't even bother telling other people. I laugh at least 20 times a day at inappropriate shit that I think is hilarious, but some dickhead will make a thing out of it and make me feel guilty, although 80 percent of most people will laugh undercover (Like at old people riding electric wheelchairs on city sidewalks for instance.) That's the key though. You have to find something that people think is hilarious, but it doesn't make them feel like they are going to hell for laughing at it. That's where the genius of comedy comes into play. 

There are also certain parameters that work for some people and not so much for others. Like it's easier for black people in a lot of cases. They can make fun of us white people and it usually kills, because it's funny and true and we laugh hard. But I dare you to try a joke in reverse on a predominantly black audience. It will get you either boo'd, or worst case, killed. Both options suck. So you have to be very careful there. I try to stick to simple shit. Here are a few things that make me laugh, and I don't think they offend too many people.

I tend to find that Terrorism, the War On Drugs and AIDS is something we all agree on in some capacity. We all (for the most part) agree that these things are either terrible, stupid or really suck...BUT, I think it's funny (at least to me) because my theory is that they are all intertwined. Each can be funny, ironic or plumb fucking stupid. But what I do know is that Terrorists sell drugs. The drugs are sold to drug addicts who eventually become so entwined with said drugs that they start making sex with monkeys and then we have AIDS. It's a perfect triangle. Almost like the slave trade of the 16^th and 17^th century. Oh, it's wrong and easy to diagnose the problem, but it took like 3 centuries to fix that shit. We'll probably never fix any of the above topics, but just a simple realization that they all feed off of each other is funny to me. Probably no one else. Again, that's whats tricky. Is it better to make myself laugh, or you? 

EDIT: I MIGHT BE A TAD WRONG IN THINKING THOSE THINGS DON'T OFFEND PEOPLE. BUT FUCK IT!

I know by now we probably will never stop any of the above (well again, for at least maybe 3 centuries, one day it may happen). Except maybe we could stop AIDS if Magic Johnson would piss in a cup and throw it on people with the Ades. Terrorism is something that has been going on for millenniums. As long as someone disagrees with your religion or way of life, they are gonna bomb the fuck out of you. The War on Drugs though: LOL. That shit will never end. Every generation of kids will try something to make themselves either feel better in a moment, or possibly for longer moments which can sometimes tragically turn into not being able to function without a mind altering substance, however it's a joke in itself how we combat such a war on something that can never truly be stopped. The money and resources we waste to stop people from finding simple pleasures is ridiculous. It's a debate for another day though, it's not funny anymore since I've discussed it too much already. I will just say we should change the phrase "War On Drugs" to "War on shit that isn't making politicians as rich."

OK. so none of this shit is funny. At all. But it's what I was thinking about in my Chemistry Lecture class earlier in the week and again, today in the ER. In order to make the world better, it takes some serious pondering. I'm at a point where I want to contribute to society instead of taking from it. We all need to ponder ways to make this world better. So if we can all come to an agreement on shit that's hilarious to all of us, it's a hell of a good start.

JUST TO ADD A LITTLE HUMOR TO THIS BLOG

Some funny shit, at least for me, are Snakes. I fucking hate snakes. But I love to watch them on TV and shit. I think they are fascinating creatures. To me, snakes and homeless people are just alike. It's so awesome to just observe them in their natural environment or habitat, but you have to be careful and not get too close to them. Because they will fucking bite you. Not all of them are venomous, but they do carry certain bacterias that can give you all kinds of shit, including Hep-C(more so with the vagrants than snakes though). Also, another funny thing about snakes is no matter what kind of snake you see in your yard, if my Aunt Brenda sees it, it's either a fucking Copperhead, Black Mamba or a Water Moccasin. All will kill you. I once found a green grass snake and Aunt Brenda told me I was just asking for it, and it was gonna kill me. But I'm no punk ass punk. I mean I fear snakes, but being from Louisiana I know when a snake will fucking kill me or not, or at the very least swell my arm up so bad it will look like a dead fish on Holly Beach that exploded from being dead for too long in the heat. 

Those things are NASTY and that's what your arm will look like if it gets bit by a God Damn Cobra Kang Snake. 

This is all I have for now. Many of you may have noticed from my facebook posts, I'm going through some philosophical shit in my life. I'm pondering whats most important. I know humor is one of the main elements along with fire, wind and water and some other shit. Oh and Mighty Mighty Math Powers like Team Umizoomi. Family is most important of course. But Mighty Mighty Math Powers can give anything a run for it's fucking money.

So sorry if I didn't make you laugh in this one. But I'm in a phase of thinking. 

I need less stress and more confidence to make you LOL like I want to. And no fucking way I'm touching that shit about that Mexican guy that shot that black kid in a rich neighborhood, like some of you asked me to weigh in on. All I know is if I lived in a rich neighborhood and some black kid was walking around wearing a hoodie, I'd probably ask him what he's listening to on his iPod because I need some new shit for my workout playlist. Sick of the drama invovled in this case. Maybe the kid was a thug. Maybe the Mexican guy was a paranoid racist. Maybe a squirrel likes humping a bullfrog. I don't fucking know. And I don't know shit about this case except that the media is pumping it hard, so I'm gonna stay out of it. I'm a "Do Nothing" type of revolutionist. I just like to watch other people riot. That's just how I get down.

I will just say that I know that guy was wrong. But Neighborhood Watch dudes are usually overzealous nerds. You know, hall monitor types (Especially the ones that stay strapped on the reg to patrol a fucking street not named MLK Blvd.). People shouldn't be shocked that he wanted to shoot someone. Them are some Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry type motherfuckers most times. 

Keeping it realer than your Mexican neighbor wearing some khaki pants, a top flight security of the world hat, a mustard-stained wife-beater with a belt in one hand and a half empty bottle of wild turkey in the other hand looking to bust caps into light skinned black dudes creeping through his spot with a gray hoodie while calling 911 on the reg. 

And I'm gonna stay keeping it the perfect amount of real because my 20 dollars didn't win me shit tonight. Still Broke! 

The Walking Dead Power Rankings (by Mike Hicks of course)

Tonight is the Season 2 Finale. If you aren't excited about watching it, you either have no pulse, or you can't afford cable. CHECK THAT: I know a homeless guy, “West Side Sammi from Sri Lanka” and he still finds a way to stream that shit live to his iPad 1, so no excuses. 

Oh, but before I get started....FUCK HIDDEN CHRONICLES on Facebook. I don't play that shit. I'm so sick of logging in to FB and seeing my “Notifications” and then I get excited and think people give a shit about me and they commented on posts, pictures or sent me comments and it turns out that 17 of them are of you dicks wanting me to play either hidden chronicles or some other lame shit that I'm not feeling. OK. So stop sending me that shit. I won't delete you, but I will probably hate your guts. I'm just too nice to say it to your face. So you'll never know how much of a dickbag I think you are. But not only do I think this, everyone does. I'm just doing you guys a favor, and not saying negative shit to your face. 

OK, enough procrastination and digression. Now for the show......

THE WALKING DEAD: POTENTIAL SURVIVAL %'s

So last week we see Shane continue to be his dickhead self and try to merk Rick for the 3^rd time in less than 1 season. Luckily Rick "Doc Holiday'd" his ass with the knife and Shane died. Kind of. Then he wakes up, bum rushing Rick while we're all thinking Carl might kill his daddy for killing Shane (as he's aiming a gun directly at his daddies head) but thank tha lawd he busts Shanes grape instead. Because he became a zombie, and Karl fucking hates Zombies.

So what brought this on? Why did Shane turn into a walker? Is it air born? Did he use the same knife to stab a walker in the head and then use it to cut his hand to lure more zombies in?

All theories are plausible, but I have my own theory. Here it goes....

I think that everyone that's still alive is infected with the zombie bug. It only takes longer for it to metastasize into certain individuals. So far we've seen the prisoner that got his neck broke by Shane's (overzealous, best friends wife, raping ass), turn pretty quickly with zero bites. So this destroys the theory that Shane was infected by the knife. Since the prisoner had his neck snapped, the rest of his body was shutting down, preparing for death. At this time he was at his weakest and the Z-virus overcame him. Same with Shane, he was stabbed and losing a lot of blood thanks to Rick. As soon as he was gasping for his last breaths, he was weak enough for the Z-virus to overcome him. Other than this, they've had to shoot everyone in the head (including Dales dumb ass)...How in the eff did he not hear that wheezing, loud as shit zombie get the drop on him? Well he died, so Daryl did him a favor and tapped him in the head to end it all. Including not becoming a walker. We know that a lot of people have died, but since they weren't disposed of properly(i.e. Having their grape properly busted after they kicked the bucket) they become zombies.

THIS IS MY THEORY: In episode 6, when the group was at the CDC, Jenner(the guy in charge) whispered something in Ricks ear. Some people speculated that Jenner saw Shane trying to ass rape Lori via video cams in the CDC. Others thought since he made them all take a blood test, that he told Rick that Lori was preggers. Since we've pretty much seen Ricks shock to finding out Lori was pregnant (later in season 2) and he didn't kill Shane just after the CDC mess (for going Ben Roethlisberger on his wife). I'm guessing none of those theories are viable. What I do think happened was that he whispered to Rick that, “We all have the virus, but you, Carl and Daryl don't have it. You guys are immune to it.” Keep in mind, he made everyone take a blood test before entering the CDC, so he knows all of their status's. He even knew that Carol is mildly retarded from her blood test results. Her blood test also showed traces of how fucking much I hate her.

WHY: Well because from the jump, Rick caught a few hot ones from those fugitives him and Shane tried to stop (either just before or during the initial day of the Zombie Apocalypse), he was at his weakest for a few weeks in the hospital and he not only didn't become a zombie, but he overcame it, healed up and found the group. Carl got shot by Otis at the beginning of season 2. He was on his death bed, extremely weak...and he survived Zombie free. Daryl caught one of his own arrows (while out looking for Sophia) that was more than likely poisoned by Zombie blood. Then he took a fucking bath in zombie blood and cut off their ears and shit (while he was hallucinating about his brother Merle calling him a pussy lolz). He's still not infected. So I think for sure those 3 are immune and I'm guessing a few others might be but we won't know til season 3 or 47.

So that's my theory so far. I won't bother making too many further predictions because as we all know there is a graphic novel. It has a lot of spoilers although they've done a good job of steering clear from a lot of the comic strip and adding original characters and stories. For example, I don't think Daryl was even in the graphic novel. With all of that being said, this is my power ranking going into tonight when shit is about to get Really Real son. I will base them on predictions as to who might/should live. And those who will more than likely kiss their ass goodbye. Wrote a song about it, like to hear it? Here it go!!!!

RICK GRIMES: Will not die. He's the hero. This would be like if Michael Jordan died before the 1993 NBA Finals. FUCK THAT! Rick is my hero too. I always pictured myself handling shit just like him when the Zombies take over. I'll be humane, but won't hesitate to bust a grape when a bitch gets out of line. Survival %: 100.00

GLENN: Oh this Asian dude better not die. He's like my cousin at this point. Shit, I even have a legit Asian cousin named Glen. So I'm hoping he'll use his wits and make it out of the massacre. Survival %: 88.8

  

LORI GRIMES: This is what scared me about Rick. Because in the previews I saw this lifeless bloodsucker within 2 feet behind Rick and I was like “NOOOO!!!! Rick, look behind you.” but then I realized Oh, this is only Lori following him. It's actually no zombie at all. I fucking hate this hoe though. She's so fucking retarded. She lets Carl run around the woods with zero supervision and she's constantly giving Shane enough confidence to think she still wants to fuck him. She's the 2^nd most hated fictional character ever....just behind Shane for me. I hope she gets bit on her boobie by a 300 lb behemoth of a dead person and while she's dying, she gives birth to a zombie that looks just like Shane. EFF THIS HOE! Survival %: .007

ANDREA: I used to hate her. Stopped hating her. Hated her again when she was banging Shane. Now I feel like she can contribute to the group if she stops being such a punk ass bitch. I know she can shoot better than any woman(although that's not saying a lot)...but if she fires 10 rounds, she's bound to get lucky and kill maybe 2, possibly 3 walkers. Survival %: 68.95

  

CARL GRIMES: Dude is the prince, although he stays doing retarded shit on the reg. I do think he's immune to the Z-virus so the only way they'll get him is for him to continue to not have any decent parental supervision and they gang bang his ass and rip him to shreds. I doubt that will happen now though since he's become a trigger happy Zombie Killer. Survival %: 99.2

DARYL DIXON: Daryl is my mother fuckin N-word. If I had to pick between hanging out with him or Kenny Powers, I would have to do 10 shots and flip a coin. Only destiny could choose something like this. He's such a bad ass. Tracker, fearless and very smart. I love me some D-Squared(that's what I call him because we gave each other nicknames due to our badassery). But Daryl is also immune to this shit I'm guessing. Add that to his Special Forces like demeanor and he's gonna make it. Survival %: 100.100. If he dies, I quit watching this shit! FACT!

T-DOG: The most racist fucking name ever given to anyone. What a crock of shit. I know the day all of the initial survivors were meeting up Shane asked T-Dog his name and T was like "My name is Terrance” and Shane's racist Georgia ass was like “Oh, u T-Dog, chun.” and T-Dog was like “what the fuck ever, cracka.” He gets the fewest lines, and does the most work. He's like a modern day slave in the Zombie Apocalypse. He reminds me of that guy on Amistad. I like T-Dog though. He keeps it real and does his job better than anyone. I'm really hoping he emerges as a hero in the coming seasons.

Survival %: Not good since he's black, and going off of past horror movies, but if you factor in token black guys I'll give him a 94.5...If he gets killed I'll be mad, but I'll just say that if it comes down to Rick, D-Square or T-Dogg: Audios my African American friend. You will be missed. 

CAROL PELETIER: Die bitch die. You are already a zombie. Except you don't eat humans yet.

Survival %: Hopefully negative fucking million. I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you, but I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happens to you and only you.

MAGGIE GREENE: I love this chick. She's so ride or die for Glenn. I have a bad feeling about her, but she is easily the most likable female at this point. I feel like either her or Glenn will die. I hate to even choose which one I'd rather it be. But if it's her, I'd be the guy to give her a decent Eugoogaly at her funeral because I like her style. Survival %: Fiddy/Fiddy 

EDIT: I picture my wife Melissa being a ride or die chick like Maggie when this shit goes down for real. 

HERSHEL GREENE: I like ole Hersh. I think he's gonna make this run vs the Zombie Bull Rush. I like how he says racist shit, but then makes it sound not racist. It's an art form and it's awesome. Hersh also likes himself some cocktails. My kind of guy. I'll give Hershel an 88.7 survival %. Also, he was mad thuggish in the previews for this last episode when he was all, "The-is is mah Faahm Re-ick, I'll Dahh Heah." ...He's like the Grandpa we've always wanted in the Zombie Apocalypse.

If I left a few out (Mostly Hershel's clan. It's because they don't fucking matter) If they die, you'll be like "Wait, who was that? Oh that wasn't Andrea? Oh, cool. Nevermind." All of his kids will probably die...hopefully except for Maggie.

Can't wait for tonight. Come back tomorrow and see how correct I am. 

Keeping it realer than Dale before he flipped out about how it's inhumane to kill shitheads and then gets ripped in half by a fucking dead guy!

15 Years after Biggie Smalls got killed.....

and still, no one has even been charged. That only leaves one person....

That God Damn Red Herring. 

As some of you can probably imagine, I've been very busy and contained mentally to focusing on things that are important. So much school work that it wears on your sense of humor. You can't really think of anything funny when you're worrying if you might flunk a test. I figured instead of trying to be a comedian I'd just keep it real for this one. So here is the only interesting thing that's happened to me over the past month and a half. It was taking Mariah to Chuck E. Cheese that Saturday of Superbowl weekend. Here it goes.....

This all started with a commercial. Mariah loves Chuck E. Cheese commercials. She gets krunk and starts dancing when she sees them doing their songs. Well I messed around and showed her that video of the Chuck E. Cheese band playing "Love in This Club" by Usher. 

Real Quick: Usher got dumped by Chilli from TLC and then he got plastic surgery and became Ne-Yo.

Anyway I was pretty excited to take my daughter to see this krunk ass band perform. Me myself, I haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese since it was "Showbiz Pizza" in like 1989. I remember it being pretty fun. I used to climb up on the skee-ball tables and drop the balls in the holes with maximum points and get a shit ton of tickets. Also that one machine where the head keeps popping up (I think it's called whack-a-mole) I'd just put my hands over every hole and get another shit ton of tickets.

One time I left Showbiz Pizza with 7,946,825 tickets. I was pretty satisfied about my accomplishment and went to the front to redeem my tickets and win a prize. I kind of figured I was gonna win a Ferrari or Lamborghini, but instead I got a fucking eraser that you can attach to a pencil and some pop rocks. If you wanted to win the Intenda Gameboy, you needed 4billion tickets, so I fell real fucking short. 

So now it's 2012. I was not only feeling nostalgic, but I figured since my baby girl is getting to that stage where she loves to interact with other kids, hear music and play games, this would be the perfect place.

The nightmare started when we first got there. I had to park at a liquor store like 10 blocks from Chuck E. Cheese because it's also located next to a movie theater. At first I thought everyone was going to see that movie "Chronicle" starring Vince Howard from Friday Night Lights. But yeah, I was wrong about that shit too. Turns out every car in that general vicinity was there for Chuck E. Cheese. When we got to the entrance, the line was longer than Studio 54 in 1978. Also, there were at least 17 people standing outside smoking Marlboro Reds. I'm not gonna say what kind of people they were, but it rhymes with umm Bite Bash. On the real, I've been to bars that haven't banned smoking and they smelled less smokey than the outside of Chuck E. Cheese. I then turned to Melissa just to be sure and was like, "So Chuck E. Cheese is a childrens restaurant and not a fuckin night club, correct?" We finally get inside and this bitch that had cross eyes was checking people in. She was looking right at me with one eye, the other eye was looking back at the salad bar. She then proceeds to ask us what we're here for? I was pretty awe-struck by this question. I totally went blank. In the back of my mind, I was thinking,"What the fuck do you think we're here for?" but all that came out was my subtle, polite demeanor and I told her "We're just here to break stuff." in that hilarious Aaron Woods voice ....Since she wasn't listening to us anyway, pretty much what she was doing was asking a rhetorical question apparently, she just yelled at Melissa "OK, go there, pay for your stuff and wait by the balloon for a Manager to seat you." There were 728 kids running and screaming between us and the counter where you pay, and another 1500 umm Bite Bash people walking around, scrounging for coins on the floor. Literally, they looked like broke crack heads that just lost their last rock, and thought if they looked hard enough on the ground, they might find it....but instead of crack rocks, they were looking for 25 Cent coins. I couldn't even believe what I was seeing so just to be sure I stopped and asked a guy “What are you doing?” and he said “Just looking for some coins.” and all I could think to say was “Oh, I feel ya!”

So we go to pay. As we're waiting for this chick to take our order, she got distracted by a fellow co-worker that asked her what time she got off and she had to think about it for a little while before answering. Then she decided since taking orders was part of her job, she finally asked us what we wanted. We ordered 1 pizza, 3 drinks and 2 salads and got some coins. The total was like 87 dollars. I usually don't run bar tabs that high. Then I started understanding why these people were on their knees, dumpster diving for coins. We then waited for approximately 17 more minutes to be seated. When the manager finally got there and escorted us to our seat, I felt almost like I was on death row and being taken down the green mile to the electric chair. It was that fucking depressing. I decided I should probably go to the salad bar since I'm on this old man diet that I used to make fun of my dad for. You know how old people say “You're full of piss and vinegar!” when you are young??? I always wondered why they would say that and where it came from. Apparently it came from eating the salad at Chuck E. Cheese. Because the salad tasted just like umm Piss and Vinegar. 

GAME TIME

I at least had this to look forward too, whoops, I mean Mariah had this to look fwd to. Melissa was like “Don't let Mariah out of your sight, there are a lot of weird people and probably pedophiles here.” I assured her that I had been working out and training very hard for just that reason. So I took Mariah to one of those little race car thingies where you just sit there and the car pretty much bounces up and down and doesn't go anywhere. On her 3^rd or 4^th coin, this gentleman walked up on us and had 3 kids of his own. You could tell he just wanted us to hurry the eff up so his kids could pile in there, but he started making small talk with me. He was like “So do you watch Nascar?” As he said this one sentence, I almost became intoxicated by his breath. It was like he just went into the bathroom and downed an entire supersized bottle of Jack Daniels and then chased it with some Vodka. I was like “Good God man, it's fucking 1:30 pm on a Saturday in a childrens restaurant.” I hope I never have to become that liquored up to hang out with my kids. Anyway, I figured I should be nice and try to carry on a conversation with the guy. I told him “No sir, not a big Nascar fan, but I like watching paint dry.” He kind of chuckled. I then told him my old Go-To joke about “Nascar isn't even a sport, if you take away the car it's just sitting.” and you could tell he wasn't really appreciating my jokes. But I figured I could slip one more in, “Do you know what the hardest thing about being a Nascar fan is? Having to tell your parents that you're fucking your sister.” I don't know why I did this. It was like that time I ran from the crossing guard police. I'm just retarded sometimes. He handled it well, but I could tell that if I didn't get Mariah out of the car asap he was gonna stab me. Good times! I then spent the next hour dropping all of our coins into the “Deal or No Deal” game. I have a magic eye for this shit and I always get the 200 ticket thing. Even at Dave and Busters. So I ran up the tab and got like 44 thousand tickets while we were waiting for the Chuck E. Cheese band to show up. They never fucking did. Thank God Mariah shit her pants and just wanted to go home and take a nap. 

I redeemed those tickets and got a yo-yo. But the light didn't work.

Keeping it realer than that African guy who kidnaps little kids and teaches them how to fight other little African kids. 

"Oh they think I'm a greeter at the Wal Marks, but actually I'm more of a bouncer"....

--Apple.

I'm not sure if I believe my friend Apple anymore. He's only like 68 or 71, it just depends on which day you ask him how old he is, so I'm almost certain he's not senile or anything, but I do think he has a problem with telling the truth. A few weeks ago he told me this young gentleman ingested some bath salts, then he got in the bathtub and gave himself tattoo's with a curling iron, then got out and ran around the street naked until he found a "Bear Cave", then he went in it wanting to kick the Bears ass. Apple then told me this guy was asking if this was a "Black Bear cave or a Grizzly Bear cave?" Because he figures he could take a black bear 1 on 1, but if it's Grizzly Cubs, he wanted to pray about it first. After elaborating about the man's fear of Grizzly Bears but not so much Black Bears, Apple informed me that this particular cave was actually no cave at all, but it was the Wal Marks on Rogers Ave......Where Apple just happened to be doing his 4 hour shift as the Greeter that particular day. 

I thought initially this was the most awesome story I've ever been told and I couldn't wait to read about it in the paper or watch it on the local news from a professional point of view, with witness accounts and everything. I thought maybe they'd even quote Apple about his run in with this psycho drug addict. This story never broke though. I later asked Apple why the media never found out about such an encounter and he basically told me that his job is to keep things like this quiet. He said before he got hired at the Wal Marks, they did an extensive background check on him. He's a former Marine and supposedly participated in some Black Recon missions in Viet Nam in the early 60's before the U.S. really got involved. He told me the goal of the Wal Marks is to hire old, brittle looking people to look like greeters, but in actuality they are more like undercover Bouncers or Security. He proceeded to tell me that he doesn't tell me half of the shit that goes on at the front doors of the Wal Marks because he's always taking care of their business and covering it up, so that regular people like you and I aren't afraid to shop there(Although I still am, even knowing that Apple is undercover and protecting all of us). 

So anyway, Apple told me all of this while we were in the sauna (And fwiw me and Apple are the only 2 men in this gym apparently, that use the sauna with at least some swimtrunk's or a towel around us) and I didn't even flinch or call bullshit like I wanted to. Then I decided I should tell him a true story that happened to me. It was something I had to get off my chest and only Melissa and like 2 other people know about this, I think I told Justin and Clint(I guess now the cat is officially out of the bag though)....But about 2 and a half weeks ago, on the first Tuesday of this semester I had a night class. Before I go too far into it I just want to say that every effing 1st Tuesday of a new semester sucks for me since I've attended institutions of higher learning. I think this makes like my 8th semester that I've attended somebodies University in my lifetime, and I can remember every 1st Tuesday sucking for me for some reason. Shit, I even did a blog about it last semester. Just everything goes wrong. So that night it was raining cats and dogs. I know people always say that as an expression of sarcasm or whatever, but it literally was fucking raining cats and dogs, on my way to school I had 3 German Shepard's and a poodle land on my car and I think possibly a tabby cat. Real talk. So of course I get to school like 3 minutes before class starts and not one parking spot can be found in the general area of my class. I then have to park like 6 miles away. It's dark, raining and I already know I'm gonna be late. I've parked in this same parking lot several times. Some of you might recall that this was the same parking lot that I crossed the street (not using a city marked cross walk) and got a Jay Walking warning ticket last September. I didn't even know they really gave Jay Walking tickets to people before this, I thought it was just a myth. Well I've made it a point since that day to always use the crosswalk and follow the rules. For the better part of the last 6 years or so, I think I've been a pretty responsible adult and I try to stay in line and follow all the rules, even the little miniscule ones that I don't agree with, like stopping at a red light when no one's coming or not throwing eggs at people, that type of shit. But this particular day I had no choice. I just took off across the street, rain hitting my face, wind blowing hard in my ears, dodging falling dogs and cats and shit and all of a sudden I hear this whistle. Like a whistle the coach blows when you're playing dodgeball in Junior High. I glanced to my left and about 50 or 60 meters away was the same campus cop that looks just like Sgt. Hooks from Police Academy that gave me my warning ticket.

Without hesitating I just took off in a full sprint. About 5 feet into my escape I realized "What the FUCK am I doing? I'm 32 years old, I'm married and have a little kid at home!" This isn't something that someone my age should be doing, but now it was too late. I had already committed and now if I turned back, I would surely get more than a warning ticket. I did the old trick when you're playing manhunt and you have to throw someone off your trail by zig zagging down different trails. I think I went through every building on the campus until I was sure I lost her. In fact, I'm not even 100 percent sure she was chasing me, but just in case she was, I couldn't take any chances. So it basically not only ruined my whole night, but pretty much my whole week. I just kept worrying that maybe she had a good description of me or my vehicle and any day they would come up with some kind of arrest warrant and come take me out of class with her screaming at me "DON'T MOVE, DIRTBAG!" Shit, I'm not even sure what the statute of limitations is for running from a campus cop, but I'll just go ahead and assume she doesn't read my blog and if she does, "It wasn't really me."

After I told Apple this, he just couldn't fathom it. He pretty much called me a liar. After sharing such a heartfelt story with him, I won't lie to you, I was feeling pretty insulted. I mean his story was totally legit but mine was just way too far fetched? Whatever dude. But now I have a new goal. It's hard for me to go to the gym when I'm content with life. I am already married to the love of my life, so I have no females to impress, no bonus clause in my contract to stay in shape and really no motivation to go to the gym anymore other than not having a heart attack when I'm 50. But soon after Apple pretty much shit all over my story, he asked me what my fitness goals were now that I'm getting back into it. I never told him what I was really thinking because he's old and ridiculous. But my fitness goal is pretty much just to work out hard enough so that I could kick Apple's ass if he were ever to try and attack me. When I'm running on the treadmill or swimming laps, I'm pretending that Apple tried to put me in a death grip and I have to bitch slap him in his throat or something, and it gives me that extra swag to run that extra mile or swim that extra lap. And sometimes now that the pain of him thinking I am nothing but a bullshitter has somewhat worn off, I will have to imagine that I'm at the park with Mariah and some child molester tries to kidnap her and I have to not only be able to hawk him down from behind, but I have to be in good enough shape to kick his ass after the chase. So pretty much those are my new fitness goals. Just be able to beat up a 70 year old, or a guy that preys on the little children. I don't want to be able to cage fight or anything, just be able to beat up average people in case me or my family are ever threatened I guess.

Keeping it realer than your cousin Chris who injects bath salts into his arm on the reg and tells you he took too much tylenol PM!

Red

"All he does is sit back urr on his ace and plays that dame Intenda!"--Red Hicks affectionately referring to me in elementary school.  
                               
                                                     Red being one with the animals.

 

I'm dedicating this one mostly to my dad, Red Hicks. A few years ago when I heard about that guy that had a twitter account dedicated to the "Shit his dad says", I was so effing pissed. My dad is a whole lot funnier than that dick, and if that was clever enough to get a TV show on CBS, my dad would have had a 30 minute show, every Sunday night on HBO. My dad keeps it realer than Charles Barkley and is a tad bit funnier because his country accent goes just as hard. And yes, he keeps it too real, not the perfect amount of real like I do, which is always hilarious. When has keeping it too real not resulted in a laugh? First, before I get too far and in case you're one of the few people on the planet that never ran into my dad in public (because if you ever ran into him in public, I guarantee you he'd talk to you because he doesn't meet strangers), I probably need to educate you on a few things that comes pretty standard in a Red Hicks conversation. Red already stands out in a crowd because he's like a titty nipple away from being 6 foot 7 inches tall and he weighs close to 300. But what stands out most about him, is his unique language. The first and probably most important thing you'll need to understand is a "Redism."  

Redism; Turning any noun you can possibly think of (and I do mean ANY noun) into an action verb.

EXAMPLES

Mike: Uh dad, have you seen my drivers license? 

Red: Oh, I'll drivers license ya. 

Mike: Hey dad, can you turn on that lamp?

Red: Oh, I'll lamp ur punk ace.

Mike: Woods, lets go in there and beat up my dad real quick before he can get out of his chair!

Red: Come on boy! I'll chair both ur Aces. (Ace is = to Ass. Red just uses the long "A" sound for everything.)

These examples weren't just made up either. These things all really happened at one time or another (some of them multiple times) and I just gave them to you verbatim. The last one is always hilarious because anytime Aaron Woods visits, we try to jump my dad. My dad is pretty deaf UNLESS he thinks you're talking about him. He may ask you a score to the Dallas game and you can scream at him "DALLAS IS UP 17-14" and he'll go "Hunh?" but if you are in a room on the other side of the house and plotting the ole "Hold him down while the other guy beats the piss out of him, trick" in a whisper, he'll definitely hear you. OK, so after he initially meets and greets you, and you have to talk to him for more than 5 minutes or so (like in a long line, or at the Dr.s office or something) he'll tell you a joke. He only has like 4 jokes though and each time he tells any of them, he laughs. Very hard. The first thousand times I heard all these jokes, I never laughed, but now when he tells them I laugh uncontrollably because I guess these jokes just get better with time or something, I don't know.  

JOKE 1

Red: Do you know what that white stuff on chicken shit is? 

Person: No.

Red: Oh that's chicken shit, too.

JOKE 2

Red: Do you know what a Mileormore bird is?

Person: No, I sure don't.

Red: It's a bird that sticks his beak in the ground and his ass in the air, then farts, and you can hear it for a mile or more. lolz.

JOKE 3

Red: (Picks up a rock and shows it to you) Oh, this is a sex stone!

Person: Really? why do you say that?

Red: because it's just a "fuckin" rock.

He has maybe 2 more, but this is clearly his best material. The key to a Red Hicks joke is asking you a question and you expect to hear a genius, sophisticated answer and it turns out it's the most obvious, simple thing you can think of. One time in Jr High he was showing me and JJ how to throw these different types of curve balls. After showing us like 3 or 4 variations he asked JJ if he knew how to throw a snowball?

Red: OK J, do you know how to throw a snowball?

JJ: I sure don't, how do you do that?

Red: Well, you wait until it snows, then you make a little ball out of the snow and throw it. 

His timing on that joke was so fucking impeccable, that I wasn't even expecting it and I lol'd. People think I'm a smartass and sarcastic about everything, but I'm actually very low key compared to my dad. One time when me and my brother Matt were younger, Matt was like 13 or 14 and going through this phase of just wanting to go somewhere, pretty much anywhere. He hated being in the house. So my dad told me he was gonna go pull his truck in the garage before it started raining. Matt was in another room and didn't hear him say that but he did hear my dads keys rattling and the door opening so he sprinted out the door and Asked Red, "Can I go?" and my dad was like "yeah, if you want to." So he let Matt jump in the truck, buckle his seat belt and everything, then just proceeded to pull the truck up about 10 feet into the garage and got out. He never told Matt shit, he was basically like "Fuck you, you figure it out." I was only like 10 or 11 at that time but I really appreciated how hilarious that was. It was sarcasm at it's finest. Shit, it was sarcasm by action. He really didn't say 5 words the entire time, he just let actions speak louder and allowed my brother to make a fool of himself. If my dad was a nice guy, he would have told my brother "I'm not going anywhere, I'm just putting the truck in the garage." But he couldn't resist being a dick. He just crushed my brothers dreams that afternoon and allowed him to think he was going somewhere interesting. At least Matt probably learned a valuable lesson that day that I've always known instinctively...."Don't volunteer for ANYTHING!" 

DRIVING SKILLS

The summer of 1996 my parents took me and G-Burns to the Jay Novacek camp in Denton, TX. We stopped the day before in Dallas just to see some of the sites around town and my mom wanted us to go see the 6th Floor Museum where Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK. My dad took a wrong turn at the exit just before the one we were supposed to take. As my mom was yelling at him and telling him what a shitty driver he was and how he can't follow instructions, my dad just put the vehicle in reverse (In 3pm Dallas traffic) and drove it backwards for about 500 yards until we got back on the interstate. My mom went quiet for the first time in my life. I've never seen her speechless before and my dad just looked back at me and Greg and said "We're tourists." 

NAMES

Ever hear someone say "I'm good with faces, but not names."??? Well that's Red. Except my dad doesn't know anyone's name. At least not on the first try. Shit, he's never said my name right on the first try. First he calls me Matt, then Shannon, then Lexi (all my siblings names) then he finally spits out "Mike", he does the same thing with my wife Melissa (he calls her Lexi and Lisa before he realizes her name is Melissa). He eventually just gives everyone a nickname. Like if he is trying to talk about Jack Driscoll for example he'd be like "What's old Dustin, I mean Woods, I mean Clint, I mean, Shit, Ole Fast Runner up to?" If he's talking about Dustin he'll be like "Whats ole Jack, I mean Clint I mean Justin, shit, Ole Quarterback up to?" If he's talking about JJ he'll say "Whats ole Keith, whoops Keidric, Justin I mean Snowball up to?" It really gets bad when people have the same nicknames because Dustin and Derick Mayo are both "Ole Quarterback"....Adam Martin and Clennon Turner are both "Ole Neighbor" and Clint and Robbie Carter are both "Ole Red Head". God forbid he tries to ask me about Justin or Bailey because he'll just ask me "What's ole Scoggin up to?" And if you ask him which one, he'll say "The Scoggin one!" Now it's good times watching him try to say "Mariah." We've just come to a compromise and she'll forever be Mo-Rye-Ruh, or Rye-Ruh. 

That's Pops. One of the most profound things Jack ever said to me a few years ago was something I not only agree with but think it's the perfect summation of my dad. He was like "No matter how old we get or how many things change around us, Red will always be the same." True Dat!

I wish I could justify to you guys how funny it's been living with my dad my whole life. There isn't a TV show that's been made or a comedian on any stage that's made me laugh harder than Red. Don't let his redneck persona or idiot exterior fool you, Red is a genius. It took me like 27 years to figure that out, but one day it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like "Holy Shit! The joke is on me." All I can hope for in my life is that Mariah thinks I'm a goofy idiot until she turns like 26 or 27, then realizes what a genius I am. 

Before I sign off, I hope none of you get that Win7 2012 Security virus. It's a bastard. We just got our favorite laptop back last night because of it. It's the first legit virus I ever got by not watching porn. That's the only reason I haven't been on much, because our desktop is slower than Patrick on Spongebob. But I have noticed that I'm getting a lot of traffic on here, considering I haven't written as much over the last month or so. Mainly people keep viewing the blog I wrote about the 1st Alabama and LSU game (The one I predicted perfectly might I add).  http://rmichaelhicks83.blogspot.com/2011/11/is-lsu-playing-alabama-this-week.html

I had no idea when I wrote that bitch that we'd be playing them again in the National Championship. Hopefully when I do my next one, LSU will have won it's 3rd NC in less than a decade. 

Keeping it realer than Red Hicks at a Doctors office, handing out nicknames to strangers. 

Edit: This was a picture my brother sent me while my dad was helping him get their shop ready downtown, and that same day he was posted up watching a parade eating an apple on a ladder. Classic Red!