and still, no one has even been charged. That only leaves one person....
That God Damn Red Herring.
As some of you can probably imagine, I've been very busy and contained mentally to focusing on things that are important. So much school work that it wears on your sense of humor. You can't really think of anything funny when you're worrying if you might flunk a test. I figured instead of trying to be a comedian I'd just keep it real for this one. So here is the only interesting thing that's happened to me over the past month and a half. It was taking Mariah to Chuck E. Cheese that Saturday of Superbowl weekend. Here it goes.....
This all started with a commercial. Mariah loves Chuck E. Cheese commercials. She gets krunk and starts dancing when she sees them doing their songs. Well I messed around and showed her that video of the Chuck E. Cheese band playing "Love in This Club" by Usher.
Real Quick: Usher got dumped by Chilli from TLC and then he got plastic surgery and became Ne-Yo.
Anyway I was pretty excited to take my daughter to see this krunk ass band perform. Me myself, I haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese since it was "Showbiz Pizza" in like 1989. I remember it being pretty fun. I used to climb up on the skee-ball tables and drop the balls in the holes with maximum points and get a shit ton of tickets. Also that one machine where the head keeps popping up (I think it's called whack-a-mole) I'd just put my hands over every hole and get another shit ton of tickets.
One time I left Showbiz Pizza with 7,946,825 tickets. I was pretty satisfied about my accomplishment and went to the front to redeem my tickets and win a prize. I kind of figured I was gonna win a Ferrari or Lamborghini, but instead I got a fucking eraser that you can attach to a pencil and some pop rocks. If you wanted to win the Intenda Gameboy, you needed 4billion tickets, so I fell real fucking short.
So now it's 2012. I was not only feeling nostalgic, but I figured since my baby girl is getting to that stage where she loves to interact with other kids, hear music and play games, this would be the perfect place.
The nightmare started when we first got there. I had to park at a liquor store like 10 blocks from Chuck E. Cheese because it's also located next to a movie theater. At first I thought everyone was going to see that movie "Chronicle" starring Vince Howard from Friday Night Lights. But yeah, I was wrong about that shit too. Turns out every car in that general vicinity was there for Chuck E. Cheese. When we got to the entrance, the line was longer than Studio 54 in 1978. Also, there were at least 17 people standing outside smoking Marlboro Reds. I'm not gonna say what kind of people they were, but it rhymes with umm Bite Bash. On the real, I've been to bars that haven't banned smoking and they smelled less smokey than the outside of Chuck E. Cheese. I then turned to Melissa just to be sure and was like, "So Chuck E. Cheese is a childrens restaurant and not a fuckin night club, correct?" We finally get inside and this bitch that had cross eyes was checking people in. She was looking right at me with one eye, the other eye was looking back at the salad bar. She then proceeds to ask us what we're here for? I was pretty awe-struck by this question. I totally went blank. In the back of my mind, I was thinking,"What the fuck do you think we're here for?" but all that came out was my subtle, polite demeanor and I told her "We're just here to break stuff." in that hilarious Aaron Woods voice ....Since she wasn't listening to us anyway, pretty much what she was doing was asking a rhetorical question apparently, she just yelled at Melissa "OK, go there, pay for your stuff and wait by the balloon for a Manager to seat you." There were 728 kids running and screaming between us and the counter where you pay, and another 1500 umm Bite Bash people walking around, scrounging for coins on the floor. Literally, they looked like broke crack heads that just lost their last rock, and thought if they looked hard enough on the ground, they might find it....but instead of crack rocks, they were looking for 25 Cent coins. I couldn't even believe what I was seeing so just to be sure I stopped and asked a guy “What are you doing?” and he said “Just looking for some coins.” and all I could think to say was “Oh, I feel ya!”
So we go to pay. As we're waiting for this chick to take our order, she got distracted by a fellow co-worker that asked her what time she got off and she had to think about it for a little while before answering. Then she decided since taking orders was part of her job, she finally asked us what we wanted. We ordered 1 pizza, 3 drinks and 2 salads and got some coins. The total was like 87 dollars. I usually don't run bar tabs that high. Then I started understanding why these people were on their knees, dumpster diving for coins. We then waited for approximately 17 more minutes to be seated. When the manager finally got there and escorted us to our seat, I felt almost like I was on death row and being taken down the green mile to the electric chair. It was that fucking depressing. I decided I should probably go to the salad bar since I'm on this old man diet that I used to make fun of my dad for. You know how old people say “You're full of piss and vinegar!” when you are young??? I always wondered why they would say that and where it came from. Apparently it came from eating the salad at Chuck E. Cheese. Because the salad tasted just like umm Piss and Vinegar.
GAME TIME
I at least had this to look forward too, whoops, I mean Mariah had this to look fwd to. Melissa was like “Don't let Mariah out of your sight, there are a lot of weird people and probably pedophiles here.” I assured her that I had been working out and training very hard for just that reason. So I took Mariah to one of those little race car thingies where you just sit there and the car pretty much bounces up and down and doesn't go anywhere. On her 3rd or 4th coin, this gentleman walked up on us and had 3 kids of his own. You could tell he just wanted us to hurry the eff up so his kids could pile in there, but he started making small talk with me. He was like “So do you watch Nascar?” As he said this one sentence, I almost became intoxicated by his breath. It was like he just went into the bathroom and downed an entire supersized bottle of Jack Daniels and then chased it with some Vodka. I was like “Good God man, it's fucking 1:30 pm on a Saturday in a childrens restaurant.” I hope I never have to become that liquored up to hang out with my kids. Anyway, I figured I should be nice and try to carry on a conversation with the guy. I told him “No sir, not a big Nascar fan, but I like watching paint dry.” He kind of chuckled. I then told him my old Go-To joke about “Nascar isn't even a sport, if you take away the car it's just sitting.” and you could tell he wasn't really appreciating my jokes. But I figured I could slip one more in, “Do you know what the hardest thing about being a Nascar fan is? Having to tell your parents that you're fucking your sister.” I don't know why I did this. It was like that time I ran from the crossing guard police. I'm just retarded sometimes. He handled it well, but I could tell that if I didn't get Mariah out of the car asap he was gonna stab me. Good times! I then spent the next hour dropping all of our coins into the “Deal or No Deal” game. I have a magic eye for this shit and I always get the 200 ticket thing. Even at Dave and Busters. So I ran up the tab and got like 44 thousand tickets while we were waiting for the Chuck E. Cheese band to show up. They never fucking did. Thank God Mariah shit her pants and just wanted to go home and take a nap.
I redeemed those tickets and got a yo-yo. But the light didn't work.
Keeping it realer than that African guy who kidnaps little kids and teaches them how to fight other little African kids.
No comments:
Post a Comment