To keep my shoe game on point, I'm willing to tear down any wall or burn down any building.

Cuz those Jordan XI Concords make me want to pistol whip your grandma. 

This is why Lebron will never be as good as Jordan. I mean already I seriously doubt he'll win 6 rings. But the main reason is that 10 years after his career is over, people won't be losing their fucking minds to buy his kicks for 180 dollars + tax. Here in Fort Smith it's gonna hit you for $199.80 after taxes.

I like Jodans too, but I'm not waiting in line for anything. I don't care if Tony Romo was trying to give me his upcoming Superbowl ring and he told me all I have to do is camp outside the Wal Marks starting at midnight and he'll give it to me the following morning at 8am. And this would be a scenario where it's guaranteed and it doesn't cost me a dime. I'm still not fucking waiting. These dudes waited, risked their lives by being at the will of a mob, and the best case scenario was that they might happen to be one of the first 15 people in line that's lucky enough to get a pair and have to shell out 200 dollars. I don't see any "Win" in any of that. I'll never get the mentality of the Black Friday crowds, the iPhone random number thugs that camp out starting D minus 4, waiting to have a fucking smart phone that may add one new feature to the one they already have. I guess I'm glad to be a simple man that still has a cell phone that doesn't log on to the intrawebz and quite frankly I don't want one. I didn't even want a cell phone in the first place and I was the last one of my friends to get one in late 2002, mainly so I could be on call in case my dad got sick or something. But seriously, I can't think of any toy that's ever came out that I'd go through that much trouble to cop. Nothing. And I never waited in line to watch that shitty Star Wars prequel either. I bet you those nerds were so disappointed after that shit fest finally premiered. lolz.

We had our family Christmas party last night. Of course we played Dirty Santa. I bought a fat girl blow up doll at Spencers as my gift. I had to get there at midnight and wait til 8am for the doors to open, but at 7:58 the fear or thought of maybe they'll be sold out overcame me and I bum rushed the shit out of the main entrance outside. 

Anyway, as I was buying the doll I formed a connection. I was overcome with curiosity. I've never seen a real blow up doll before and quite honestly I've always wanted to see one fully blown up and in action. Lucky for me I drew number 16 which was the last number in the Dirty Santa raffle. I could pretty much pick anything I wanted. My uncle Kevin initially drew that particular gift with the 7th pick of the 17th annual Hicks/Patterson Dirty Santa draft. I knew then what I had to do. So with my 16th pick, I traded for the fat girl blow up doll and I don't believe I've ever felt like such a genius. It worked out for me for so many reasons. Nobody knew I bought it, nobody knew I really wanted it and then when I picked it they all gave me huge lolz and thought I was just trying to be funny. Joke was on them. Until I opened the box and realized how bad I'd been ripped off. The doll looked nothing like the picture on the box.........

But I do like short girls and this particular doll is the same height as Melissa (well maybe like 3 inches shorter, but I've always wanted a midget too, so it's kind of win/win in that aspect), although her hair is ugly. She's got like this red headed buzz cut or something. Not really attractive for a blow up doll in my humble opinion.

But the positives: She doesn't talk or argue. She never asks me to do any chores or anything which is awesome. I'm thinking of keeping her until she gets mouthy with me like most chicks tend to do (right now she's on her best behavior like anyone when you first meet them. You're not really meeting that person, you're meeting their representative), then she can kick rocks. But for now, she seems to fit right in. I've just got to find some clothes for her fat ass so that she doesn't scare off our guests when we do have company. Does anyone have any clothes they are willing to donate to a doll that's approximately 4 feet and 7 inches tall with a 55 inch waist and some huge ta ta's? My friend Apple will be standing outside the Wal Marks all day today ringing one of those bells, begging for money. You know, he's the guy that makes you feel awkward as shit anytime you're trying to do your last minute Christmas shopping and if you're like me all you use is a credit or debit card and you never have any spare change. Then they mean mug the fuck out of you if you aren't donating. At least 4 times this year I've given them close to 20 dollars or so. I'm not rich enough to be giving to charity. But now when I see one of these guys and I get like 5 feet away, as soon as they make eye contact I just start screaming "I already gave your homeboy some money at Target, dog. Leave me alone and stop giving me stink eyes!" 

You have to think ahead and go on the offensive or they'll try to run you. It's prison rules out here sometimes and you have to attack before they do. Oh, but yeah, Apple will be doing that all day today so if you want to stop by and donate some fat girl clothes, he'll see that they are given to me. 

I really thought this party would be full of awesome gag gifts but the pinnacle outside of my stellar idea to buy a chubby blow up doll was some maxi pads and toilet paper. I guess when most of your aunts and uncles are members of AARP, you can't expect to receive a pocket vagina or a decent porno movie. Anyway, it's not really the reason for the season to buy and receive such despicable gifts. I'm sure Jesus has a sense of humor but he probably got mad at me last night for exploiting that fat girl. I'm gonna make it up to him today by being very good and remembering the real reason we celebrate Christmas. I hope y'all don't forget that too. Shit, I might even roll over to the dollar tree or something and give one of the bell ringers a few dimes and some pennies I have laying here on my desk. Tis the season to give people shit you don't want. Also sometimes, if the bell ringer looks genuinely nice and I want to avoid an awkward moment and I haven't been completely frustrated by the hell that comes with Christmas shopping, I'll stroll up and act like I'm pulling something out of my pocket and just pretend to slip something into the bucket. They usually assume you just dropped some bills in there and they smile at you. Only once did the guy really watch my hand like a hawk and I'm pretty sure he caught me trying to slow play him. But most times it works. 

Keeping it realler than your drunk cousin Steven who gave your grandma some edible panties for Dirty Santa and then busted out laughing when she opened them while the rest of your family was embarrassed for him.

Peace and have a Merry Christmas from the Hicks family. Mike, Melissa and Mariah. 

.....and in case you are curious. Melissa did not get demoted to JV for the fat blow up doll. She's still on the A-team. But I do have something to keep her in check when she wants to get live. 

So I'm Supposed To Spend All My Money On Presents and Give You All the Credit?

"I've been to prison once, I've been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this"-- Some guy named Willie that plays Santa Claus on the reg for monies

Here is a song to help get you krunk while you read my awesome Christmas stories. 

I've been trying to think of a way to do a blog for Christmas, but I have been mentally tired for some time now. After I finished my last Final this past Tuesday, my brain just shut down for the rest of the week. Now I'm feeling a little bit more rejuvenated which isn't saying much. Anyway, after a conversation earlier today with my boy Mickey Slayer that pretty much hit the nail on the head for any adult that has to spend last years pay, plus most of your income taxes you'll be getting in the next few months to keep your kids happy for Christmas: Why do I spend all of my money during this season, and this fat fuck gets all the credit? 

First of all let me do a bit of a disclaimer before writing this because I realize this is a sensitive subject. I saw that a few teachers around the country almost got fired over the past few weeks for dropping a bomb on 2nd graders telling them Santa Claus isn't real. To be honest though, I knew Santa wasn't real when I was like 5 or 6. I'd only pretend that I still believed that he was real because my mom would tell me that If I don't believe in him, he won't bring me anything. I was skeptical, but not retarded. So I humored my parents in order to get free gifts on December 25th. Also I have this sidekick named Apple. Apple is pretty brilliant and his knowledge of sports and all types of other shit is befuddling. Anytime I say anything offensive or controversial, it's usually Apple that's telling me to do it. Usually I'm all like, "Apple, that's a terrible thing to say and it might hurt someones feelings or ruin a little kids life." Then Apple gets all butt hurt and won't talk to me for days, sometimes even weeks. So I just learned how to humor him much like I did my parents about Santa Claus. And when Apple isn't helping me say the shit I'm scared to say, he is a greeter at the Wal Marks. Oh, but make no mistake, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it so that he can greet, mingle and converse with some of the classiest people on the planet that happen to shop at the Wal Marks on the reg. He does the job because he has a good spirit, not for the money, unlike all these assholes that play Santa Clause at JC Penney for like 15 G's a month while simultaneously casing the joint so that he can rob them blind come December 26th.

Now a few qualms I have about Santa Claus goes further than all the "lolz" jokes that super talented comedians come up with. "Oh I don't like the Santa because the Santa runs a sweat shop at the north pole with midgets lolz.", "The Santa degrades women because he calls them hoes a lot lolz." or "Santa is always breaking and entering and stealing cookies lolz." But these jokes are based on merit. It's almost like this character of Santa Claus does in fact embody evil and not so coincidentally, he does a lot of creepy shit that would be considered illegal if any one of us were doing it. The myth of Santa Claus teaches us that he does in fact break into your house late at night and he's obviously very good at it because he doesn't make a fucking peep while he's doing it. He's always looking for trouble. He's always watching you like some kind of fucking Super Stalker. Shit, they even wrote a song about it to scare little children. "He sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake!" Now imagine if that song was about Charlie Manson? Using those same lyrics, how does that make you feel? I used to ask my mom when I was little how Santa was going to get in our house because we didn't have a chimney. She told me that he has a skeleton key that fits every door in the world. My dad chimed in that if the key didn't work, he'd just break a window or something to which he cracked himself up and started laughing. Very criminal shit. So it's no surprise that 80% or more of the guys that play Santa Claus in malls all over the country have been to jail at least once for a felony. A recent survey conducted by my friend Apple estimated that 32% of those felonies were of a violent nature. They just aren't very good people in most cases. Like everything in life, I'm sure they have a few good apples (no pun intended, Apple). Some legit good guys that have white beards and actually are really fat, jolly mother fuckers that love children (in a non Jerry Sandusky kind of way). But in most cases, the guys that are pretending to be Santa aren't good people. It's a job that typifies, resembles and requires criminal behavior. Oh, and one time I was at the food court at the South Park mall while we were living in Cleveland about 4 years ago and overheard a Santa Claus on his lunch break telling one of his midget elves, "How do you kill 200 flies all at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. whacka whacka!" That's not very nice. It's certainly not something jolly that you tell people in public. 

The main thing I really dislike about Santa is the fact that he punks about 2 million kids world wide each year. When my little sister Lexi was a kid and I was babysitting her, I'd ask her to do something or to stop doing something and she'd just look at me and say something like "You're not my mom!" So I'd have to pick up a phone and pretend I was calling Santa in order to get her to behave. I also plan on doing this to Mariah in a few years when she gets out of line. Whats funny about this is that most little kids under the age of 2 hate Santa. I mean it's not only hate, but it's like they fear the shit out of him. Have you ever just watched a kid lose their fucking mind in the seconds leading up to their encounter with Santa? 

It's an instinctive behavior. Little kids always know the truth, you can try to lie to them, but they usually know whats good and/or bad. They start out knowing that this man isn't good, there is something wrong with him, but we counter this instinct by using bribery. We spend the next few years telling them that Santa is a Saint and if you don't adhere to his commands, you aren't getting shit for Christmas. We use this as a tool of behavioral reinforcement when nothing else seems to work. Their initial reaction is to be afraid of this al-Qaeda looking mother fucker which is a good thing, but through lies and deceit we teach our children to trust this asshole, this criminal and social deviant. A guy that probably has a van with no windows that you teach your children to avoid at all costs the other 11 months out of the year, but come December, he is the Saint and God of the presents. 

I don't know, just a thought, but I wish my parents would have told me that Jesus is the one that gives us presents instead of Santa Claus. He's the one that gives us the strength go to work all year so that we can afford to buy you a Super Intenda or a little big wheel. Jesus is the reason we have Christmas. Why should the man that died for all of our sins so that we can live in heavenly peace for all of eternity have to share this glorious day, the celebration of his birth, with some fat fucking degenerate that probably breaks all 10 of the commandments on the reg? I wish I had the balls to break tradition, but in a few years I'll need Santa to strong arm my little girl. It's just a never ending cycle that we are doomed to repeat. 

 
With that being said, I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas. Regardless of my negative tone and strange disdain for all things Santa, I'm pretty excited about this being Mariah's first coherent Christmas where she actually does all the ripping of the wrapping paper and realizes this is a day of happiness that will come once a year for the rest of her life. Kids make Christmas. I'm gonna try my best not to water this day down for her throughout her childhood and hopefully by the time she's 8 or 9 I won't have to lie to her about this Kris Kringle dickface and all I'll have to tell her in order for her to behave is to "Put on your inside voice, before I put your ass outside!", "Mommy is gonna spank your ass hard because daddy is nice and loves you very much, but mommy will be forced to do it if you don't settle down!" or "Jesus is watching you and I'll quit going to work and you won't get any presents if you keep acting an ass!" 

I'll leave you with a picture of an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santee Claus! 

Because this wouldn't be Christmas if I didn't give major props to BBT and the best Christmas movie ever made.

Coconuts Are Assholes!

This one is another throwback. It's Finals week and like always I've been busier than shit trying to keep a 4 purnt zero. But in order to keep hits coming I have to post something, so here goes one I did on Myspace like 3 years ago on Mothers Day, with a few slight modifications to modernize it. The best part was it was probably the last blog Trent ever commented on because he was featured in it and it's a great memory of him (and since my audience has expanded a tad bit since then, it will probably appear new to a lot of people). Also, I'm kind of bored because one of Melissa's favorite Christmas movies is "The Santa Clause" and she's seen it so many effing times she just sits here and recites it like I do when I'm watching Big Top Pee Wee. I have to distract myself and also act like I give a shit about this Christmas Movie that ranks like 297 on my list of 300 all time favorite Christmas Movies. Oh and she also can do Home Alone 1 and 2 which is pretty impressive considering how shitty Home Alone 2 was and it ranks 269 in case you are wondering. Oh, but Home Alone 1 is in my top 7 though.

From May 11, 2008.....

I guess today is "Stuck On Island" day on TV. Already watched part of "Blue Lagoon" and now "Castaway" is on. This made me think to myself what would I do if I were to end up stuck on an island. And this is definitely a legit question because I know everyone thinks about this shit on Mothers Day. 

So lets get this bitch started!

                            THINGS I'D DO IF STUCK ON AN ISLAND

1.) Play in the water for a little bit!
That's typically what you do when you go to the ocean, you just kind of ease into the water and frolic in the waves for probably about 10 or 20 minutes, then you get bored with that and you start playing the washing machine game, where you just kind of play dead and lay face fucking first into the hugest God Damn wave you can find and let it twirl you in circles for 22 seconds. Then you are pretty much ready to get out of the water after that. 

2.) Coconuts.
You have to find these bitches, it's necessary for 2 things; Milk and Cups. And if you're super clever you can make phones out of them I think. 

The only problem with this is that it's not as easy as they make you think on Gilligan's Island. It takes a lot of work to break down one of these assholes. I once watched Trent spend 1 hour and 56 minutes just trying to crack the surface.

NOTHING! Just wasted damn near 2 hours with the coconut, so I guess it's time for plan B.

3.) PLAN B- Find fucking weapons!

 
Because who knows what kind of creatures may live on this island?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I know fire and shelter might be at the top of some peoples priority lists, but not mine. I can survive a day or 2 in a tropical climate without either one, but if fucking Joakim Noah were to attack me, what good would the fire or the shelter be?
  
4.) De-snake the place.
"I hate God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes"--Mike Hicks

I honestly don't know how one would go about uhh "De-Snaking" your spot. I've heard moth balls work but they smell like dead assholes with ajax sprinkled on them so I'd prefer other means. My suggestion would be to find a fucking Honey Badger or in Latin (Mellivora Capensis). Honey Badgers kill all kinds of shit on the reg and they eat snakes for breakfast. Literally. I once watched one of them kill 4 Cobras and a baby python under 20 seconds. They don't fuck around with the reptiles, they just merk them and swallow them. That's the type of guy you need on your team when you are stuck on an island. Not even to mention all the forced fumbles and potential for returning punts for touchdowns that they pose. You can never go wrong with a Honey Badger on your team!

(DISCLAIMER: I don't really think God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes  are even indigenous to most tropical islands, but you never can be too careful.......you should still befriend a honey badger probably.)

5.) The Air Got To It.
Time for the fire. Thank God I watched Tom Hanks make an ass of himself for 45 minutes before figuring out that oxygen is the key ingredient in making a fire. Now I know. I figure I could maybe set a forest fire or 2 and not even have to worry about this bastard....

And smokey really doesn't even give a shit about forest fires anymore, that is so 1980's. He used to always conveniently appear when you lit a match back in like 86, and act all superior and berate you like the I.T. guy at work when you try to go around a firewall so that you can log into facebook. But not anymore. Smokey has better shit to do now. He was replaced by the Sexual Harassment Panda and Pokey the Pedobear, and for good reason in light of recent events. 

I would much rather have a Bear out there beating the living horse fuck out of pedophiles instead of telling 25 year old's not to put out their cigarette near a fucking pine tree.


So this is pretty much how you would survive if you happened to be stranded on an island. Just stay calm and remember these 5 things:

1.) Frolic in the ocean.
2.) Coconuts, except they don't really work.
3.) Find a 240 Caliber machine gun.
4.) Kill off the God Damn Cobra Kang Snakes.
5.) Fire.

If you do all of these things, you should make it off the island. Real Talk!

Hope everyone has a great weekend. And something I found hilarious is that I had an image of Joakim Noah in my head when I was doing the bit about ugly, hideous creatures that may pose a threat on the island. I was thinking either him, Delonte West, Sam Cassell or Marshawn Lynch. Anyway I decided to let Google do the job for me and I Googled "Ugly Athletes" and every one of them popped up on the first page lolz. So I went with Noah because I've always found him to be tremendously scary. It worked 3 years ago and it still works today. 


Keeping it realer than Marshawn Lynch in a beauty contest!

Also here's hoping the REAL Honey Badger brings home the Heisman tomorrow night. I think it's pretty possible. The ESPN/ Nissan Leader Board had him with 39,506 or 6% of the votes out of the top 5. This was from November 30th, before he wigged out on Georgia. Surely that number has increased since then. And this particular pole doesn't really mean shit, but it's a pretty decent gauge, or at least it has been in the past. Geaux TM7. He did big things on the reg, more so than any primary defensive guy I can remember. Even more than Charles Woodson that got most of his props for playing offense and returns(that weren't as impressive as Mathieu). It comes down to a guy that plays on the best team in the country and contributed greatly to that success, not to mention the shoes he had to fill and maybe outgrew those shoes. I'd give my left tit to see it happen. The Chuck Bednarik award is not enough for the Badger. FACT!

I'm sexy and I know it.

I'll be the first to admit, when these thoughtless songs come out and get a shit ton of radio play like pretty much any Black Eyed Peas song and now LMFAO, I will turn the station. What sucks about that is that the other station is also playing that song. One time for fun I got really drunk and wrote a Black Eyed Peas song in under 5 minutes, and in my humble opinion it was a total club banger. Anyway, I used to hate these songs, but this "I'm sexy and I know it" song gets me krunk as shit. I find myself walking down the aisles at the Wal Marks bobbing my head and saying "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle" and shit like that. It also gets me krunk because that's the only song they played on the reg at the Dallas/Buffalo game a few weeks ago. So that's why I'm writing now. I haven't did a blog in over 2 weeks. Combination of being too busy and lack of material. I was driving back from Dallas almost 2 weeks ago and a lot of funny shit was running through my head but then I got home and forgot all of it. So now I'll try to rehash some of my thoughts I had planned on writing weeks ago. I guess I'll call this one "Shit I learned at the Dallas game". 

1.) Jerry has built a force field around the stadium. You can't hear anything when you are in the parking lot. Shit, you can't even hear anything while you are showing your ticket and being searched like you are about to fly on a plane. BUT, the very minute you go through those metal gates, all of a sudden a party is roaring. You hear "I'm sexy and I know it" and you see thousands of Miller Lite girls dancing and the Dallas Cowgirls staring at you like they want to bang you. 

Or maybe that was just me. But they also have like 2 million and 47 hundred thousand beer venders running up to you trying to sell you those miller lite 16oz pints for a very cheap $7.50.

ANOTHER FUN FACT: No other beer is sold in the Dallas Stadium. It's either Miller Lite, or go fuck yourself. But they do have quite an assortment of mixed drinks and hard liquor which is also nice. It's just weird though, you are sitting like 2 inches from this metal entrance bar and it's almost silent, but the second you walk through it, it's just straight madness but in a good way. It's like a party heaven and once St. Peter checks your ticket, the party begins. 

2.) Melissa can't drink. She's drank like 4 oz of alcohol in her entire life and that's a good thing. She is the Yin to my Yang. She drinks like one sip of amaretto sour and turns bright red and calls it a day. Well she saw this chick selling these 2 feet tall glasses of what looked like smoothies so she went and bought it. She then asked me if I thought it tasted funny. And I was like "No, not if you ordered a fucking frozen long island ice tea." It was the most potent form of frozen alcohol I've ever tasted. Every sip made me want to dance even more to "I'm sexy and I know it" than I already was. It's pretty hilarious that they market this drink to naive, non alcoholic beverage drinkers but it has the equivalent of an entire bar inside of it. lolz Good times. 

3.) Once in the stadium it's like the Mecca. I started these Gregorian chants except they weren't religious. I was just chanting shit like "Jesus Loves The Cow--Boyyyyssss." You could feel the presence of God in the stadium. Then I noticed something else that was fucking awesome. People really wear those high heeled Jordans.

It's not just some useless tag that all my black friends on facebook receive. Oh, but it was an Asian chick wearing them. I even stopped and asked "Umm excuse me, but did you buy those from Facebook?" and she looked at me like I was George Bush asking her to go fight in Iraq. It sucked. 

4.) Not all people from Jersey talk like they're from Jersey. We had the coolest people ever sitting next to us and they were life long Cowboys fans that live in umm Jersey. They ruled.

THEY DIDN'T LOOK LIKE GORILLA JUICE HEADS

That's for sure.......

5.) At one point, when I started yelling in jest about Buffalo's QB that attended an Ivy League school for those of you weirdos that don't follow football, I said "Yo Fitzy, show dese cow todds how we used to do it at Hahvud." and the Jersey guys laughed at me and gave me a huge high 5. God it was awesome. I could have died right then. Because Fitzy also got sacked while I was saying it. And I got a laugh from some Jersey Boys. It's funny, but I lived my whole life in the south, but I have a very good rapport with Yankees for some reason. Weird. Oh and I also get along really well with Gangster Ass black dudes, Filipinos, Iraqis, red heads, Puerto Ricans, Guatamalans, fat guys and rich guys from rich places that I've never been. Funny because I'm a broke ass southern boy.

6.) I always knew this(that last call is the 3rd quarter or 7th inning), but I didn't realize what time it was, but it was late in the 3rd quarter. I went to buy a Miller Lite by default and they were like "NO, we just quit selling it." so I was like......

  
7.) Buffalo fans are very cool and they are great losers. I mean, who else has lost as much as they have in big games so they are totally used to it. I was talking so much shit on Saturday at bars and stuff to Buffalo fans but instead of getting mad, they'd just say "Ahh yeah, we'll probably lose." again I was like.....

But they never got mad. Shit, just yesterday my Dad kicked me out of his house because I was laughing every time Tyler Wilson got sacked by LSU(he's a huge Arktard and I am not for the record) so I admire that about them(The Great Buffalo Losers). Oh and My dad disowned me in the 1st quarter. He had a hit put out on me by the 2nd quarter. He hates me now I think. Hopefully we'll make up before Arkansas gets to play in the Capitol One bowl in Orlando while we are kicking ass in the National Championship game.  


L O Mother Fucking L at you Arktards for thinking you had a chance. I kept my mouth shut at school all week just saying shit like "Oh yeah, it will be a good/close game lolz" but I wanted to say exactly what ended up happening. I didn't have to be Miss Cleo to see that but.... I'm just too nice and too much of a pussy to offend people in person. That's why I do it on here instead. 


So that's about it. Dallas is in 1st. LSU is also in 1st. Arkansas is very soft like terry cloth and I still shake my ass when I hear "I'm sexy and I know it!" all FACT! 

Also, the trailer hasn't been released yet, but if you want to see the baddest movie poster ever released.....here it goes!

Expendables 2 Baby. At a theater near you in the summer of 12. The only action star that's missing in this one is Josh Quayhagen. And IMO they should use Danny Boy as the guy who gets all the girls and starts all the parties. I should be the guy that talks all the shit and lets the expendables kick ass for me. We'll see. 

Stay Up! have a good after Thanksgiving week. It's officially Christmas now so you can decorate without being judged by assholes. Read my shit. Subscribe. Comment. Do work!

How in the eff did you just have that baby?

I am so amazed because I couldn't watch a 2 millimeter stone come out of my dick hole. 

But I watched a damn near 7 pound human being come out of my wife. And she didn't even cry or anything, all she did was rip off my forearms with her finger nails. But she never did yell, cuss or cry. Very effing impressive.  

 

EDGE: FEMALE

when I was a baby I looked really old for my age. People would tell or ask my mom all the time, "Is he like 1 or 2?" and I'd be like "No way man, I'm only zero. I'm still zero and I don't appreciate your rude ass comments."

It came in handy later on though when I was like 18 and shaved my head and bought beer on the reg at GBI without getting carded because they thought I was a GI. And then when I grew my hair out, I'd just drive out to the Texas Ranch on Texas Highway, just out of Leesville. A bar slash drive through liquor store designed for kids who were old enough to drive cars, to buy beer. That was pretty awesome, but I hope to God they don't still have that shit when Mariah turns 15. But it was either that or O-FAB (Operation Find A Blackdude) and that sucks because 9 times out of 10 the black dude wants like 10 dollars extra (Not gonna say any names but it rhymes with Baymond). Or O-FAHG pronounced like "Oh Fag" and that just meant (Operation Find a Homeless Guy).........

........and all they want is a bottle of Boones Farm usually(for 1.99 + tax), BUT there weren't that many homeless people in Leesville. Small towns don't really have homeless people because there is nothing to see or do there for the homeless. If they are out in L.A. or NYC, there is a shit ton of activities for the homeless. Not so much in Leesville. Shit, there really isn't a lot to do when you aren't homeless except for O-FAB or O-FAHG. 

Anyway, back to babies. How the fuck do women do it? I was in the hospital for the most of last month with kidney stones and I heard a thousand people say "Oooh, I feel so bad for you, I hear it's like giving child birth." ....No it's not. It's nothing like child birth. One reason I can think of is that once they get the rock out of my dick, it won't be crying and wanting enfamil on the reg, every 2 hours. It also won't have shitty diapers every 42 minutes. And the biggest stone I've ever passed was precisely 1/100,000th the size of Mariah. Yeah, granted my penis hole is a whole hell of a lot smaller and less flexible than a Vajeen. But after doing all that math which is probably way the fuck off, the edge still goes to the woman.
 

PENIS PICS ARE NOT ALLOWED ON HERE OR I'D SHOW YOU HOW SMALL MY PENIS HOLE IS. BUT I'M NOT BRETT FAVRE OR SENATOR ANTHONY WEINER. SO JUST IMAGINE THAT PICTURE HERE.

But this is me with a kidney stone.....

And this is Melissa with a freaking Baby that's 4 million times bigger....

You may notice the subtle difference of me acting like a little bitch, crying on the couch, and her sitting there smiling at the camera with a human inside of her belly. 

EDGE: WOMEN

Reason 2, in some cases (not all, if you're unlucky like me the stone will turn into Murphy's Law and get in a spot where they can't do hardly anything about it) but most times they can blast the shit out of it and turn it into a bunch of smaller pieces so when you piss them out, it's way smaller. All of them. Well we couldn't very well blast Mariah into a million pieces before Melissa passed her out. So again, edge to the woman. 

EDGE: Who do you think? 

Reason 3, we get some kick ass pain medications. You will hurt about 15-30 minutes legitimately about once every 2.5 hours when the medicine stops working. And yeah, it hurts pretty, NO, very fucking bad until they come with your next shot of Demerol. But women have to sit there anywhere from 4 hours to as long as a week in labor not knowing when exactly the baby is coming, then the Dr. will come in and be like "OK, it's almost time." Then they give you an epidural, just before the little person inside you is about to come out and beat the shit out of your uterus and Vajeena. And then you have it, everyone is celebrating, crying tears of joy, etc. including you, the mother that just shit out an 8 pound human being and you are smiling and praying and thanking God for your miracle. 

Well when I passed my shit, I dropped to my knees and started crying like a little bitch and instead of thanking God for letting me give birth to the stone, I'm telling him "Uhm uh uh I'll never drink another beer again, I'll stop watching Dancing with the stars, I'll quit calling women that can't drive, bitches. Just anything so that this doesn't happen again." Edge once again: Female. 
  

Well obviously I still drink beer, and call non driving females bitches, but I did give up on Dancing with the Stars after Emmitt Smith kicked so much ass on there a few years ago. So yeah, I still get kidney stones. Melissa hasn't gotten a baby stone since May 7, 2010. So she's definitely living better than me. And everyone keeps asking when or if we're gonna have another one. To be honest I'm afraid to bring another baby into this effed up ass world. There's an NBA Lockout, you get fined in the NFL for hitting the Quarterback too hard and Herman Cain sexually harasses people. Like that's something new. Every man, sexually harasses a woman to an extent. Yesterday I asked a chick if I could borrow a pencil, she could have easily misconstrued that if I was a famous politician. Thank God I'm not. Yet.  And if I was Herman Cain, instead of going on Meet the Press and changing his story a few times and then using somewhat of a race card,  I would have been like "Yeah, so? That bitch was fine. All I said was that dress looks good on you girl and she got all offended. You know how bitches act. If they're hot, they get all insulted when a regular ass dude hits on them, but if she was some fat ass skeezer with a mustache and I said the same thing, it wouldn't have been harassment, it would have been a compliment. So yeah, I guess I did sexually harass her. I gave her like 30 G's to shut the fuck up and that was 10 years ago. I'm a changed man now, I don't tell pretty women shit. In fact I'm the opposite to them. Lesson learned." And with that, Herman Cane would still be a front runner with no cracker ass crackers trying to bring him down. This world appreciates honesty. So be honest and maybe you'll be President. Yeah right lolz.

Oh, but back to having another baby? Still don't know. All I know is we practice a lot. And hopefully I'll be ready when that day comes. "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation." That's what Peyton Manning always says. So I'll definitely be prepared. Just have to keep practicing, and practice is a lot of fun. So we'll see. Right now I need to get rich and famous so I can send Mariah and if she has a little brother, to some private catholic school on the East Coast so they can go pro. At Something. Or move back down to Lake Chuck so they can get in PE Gym and start learning how to kick ass like Quay. 

Peace. Have a good rest of the week. We're heading to Dallas to watch them kill Buffalo in a few days. Y'all pray for our trip and my shitty ass kidney that works about as good as the Seattle Seahawks defense. I don't want to end up like Alonzo Mourning. (Google him girls). And this game is huge. We're down 2 games to the Giants and Buffalo is tied with the Jets for 1st, so both teams have a lot to play for. 

Keeping it realer than a pregnant pill head married to an insane clown posse juggalo.

Is LSU playing Alabama this week?

It's a good thing I read papers, articles on the intrawebz, pay attention to people on Face Book, watch ESPN, FOX Sports and the Oxygen Network or I wouldn't have had a clue. Oh and like most tiger fans MEMORIZE THE FUCKING SCHEDULE.

This Arktard actually asked me yesterday, Friday November 4th...... (Knowing I'm probably the only LSU fan on the entire campus here in ArkansaNs (as Les calls it) wearing LSU Shirts, hoodies and Hats where these fuckers make fun of me on the reg, like we aren't SEC Royalty).........Anyway he asked, "if I knew that LSU was playing at Alabama this weekend?" This same dude has made fun of me at least 3 times for loving LSU and once even said, why don't you go to LSU if you love them so much? Oh, and my answer to that was because "I'm too stupid and these Arkansas schools were the only ones that would let me in." Anyway, concerning this particular conversation......

Me: Uhh doubtful. I'm not sure we're playing them this year.

Him: Oh I"m pretty sure I saw it on the local news this morning.

Me: Well, your news is way the fuck off homey. I'm sure I would have heard somewhere more important than your local news if something like this was happening.

Him: I could be wrong, maybe it's next week.

Me: I'm sure that's the case. I know for a FACT if they were playing each other I would have heard about this by now from a reliable media source, check your info homes.  

But the effed up part about this was another dude that I talk to on the reg (and happens to be a very knowledgeable fan who realizes we must win and Arkie must beat South Carolina for their hopes to extend by beating us after Thanksgiving, IF we can beat Bama) sits behind me and asked me if I was nervous about tomorrow and I was like, "Yeah a little, the styles are just so similar, I'm just hoping our defense jumps so far on top of them early and shakes the QB's and either they make a big play or put our offense in good situations. Also I feel like JJ will come in on a few packages early and actually run the ball, then all of a sudden come in later and launch that bitch for either huge gains or TD's." 

Then the Tard overheard us and was like "What game are y'all talking about" and before the dude behind me could say anything I was like, "Dallas. Really worried about Dallas/Seattle this week." To which he responded, "Yeah, I hate Dallas too." and I wanted to tell him "I hate you, I hate your overalls, I hate your dingy ass hat and I hate your cheek that's swollen from all your fucking tobacco use." But I'm a nice guy and left it at "Dallas/Seattle this week." 

I know this must have been rude. But 1.) This guy is the epitome of Red Neck dick who looks down on anyone not from Arkansas(and I'll go on record and say right now, most people here are pretty cool, and a lot of people are transplants from out of state so they don't all bleed Arkansas red, hell, a lot of them are Oklahoma Sooner fans since we're right on the Oklahoma border) But this is the type of mother fucker that probably dresses like those Raiders fans that way overdo it. 

He does it because he loves his team, but he has no clue about the outside implications or ramifications from the rest of the SEC. Like he doesn't realize LSU needs to win this game for Arkansas to have any chance. He also made a comment about how he hopes Bama kills us which most true Arkansas fans would find laughable. The only 2 states that should really hate us if they aren't playing LSU should be Oklahoma, Southern California and I saw a poll recently where Maine doesn't like us either. I think it's because the biggest drug dealer in Nantucket, Adam from Real World Vegas, that got his ass kicked off 2 shows in record time....

...must have disliked Dustin Zito(from La) or something and now the whole state holds a grudge. I don't know.  I also happen to know that if anyone wasn't excited about this game since not only months ago, but at the very least, 2 weeks ago when the hype officially kicked off, they are ignorant college football fans who pose to act like they know what the eff is going on. And these people approach me with the topic of football. I can talk to anyone about anything, and I don't mind it either. Shit, I can have a conversation about how global warming is affecting sea cows in south Florida, but I have a hard time interacting with these people when they bring up football, but know absolute shit about it. I wear my fandom on my sleeve. I mean everyone that's around me for more than a few minutes not only knows football is all I think or care about outside of my family, but I rep my teams pretty hard. I sometimes pretend I'm Chris Fowler, and subtly converse with them without putting them down, but you can tell I really want to. 

Or sometimes Herbie, even though I kind of used to hate him for his lack of love for the SEC and he just kind of looks like a Penis Head to be honest. But anyone that starts talking to me about irrelevant CFB talk, I kind of just dismiss them. Not always in a mean way, like if it's a girl who knows a little bit, I don't mind talking to her. But a dude wearing an Arkansas hat that just knows he wants Arkansas to win but has no other clues about whats going on that week, I immediately know I have nothing in common with him. At least in Ohio they love the Buckeyes and they are some of the most knowledgeable fans in the world along with ours(LSU), just thought I'd throw that out there.

Anyway, this is one of, if not the THE biggest games ever. Number 1 vs Number 2. Not like in 2006 where tOSU and Michigan were in a similar situation at the very end of the season (Mainly because that's what the media wanted to see and gave some shitty votes all season long to see that happen) but it ended very soft like terry cloth and the winner gets to do guess what? Play Florida in the National Championship and get embarrassed. HARD. Well this wont be like that. The team that wins this game, should not have trouble being #1 in the nation again, throughout the season. I seriously doubt a team from the SEC East is gonna beat any of us, rather it be LSU/Bama or even Arkansas in the SEC-CG(Since writing this Arky destroyed South Carolina and they might be the most worthy contender in the East. Ain't Happnin Curlahna.). It's just a damn shame this game itself can't be the National Championship. And for the record we have more studs on our defense than Angola has in it's entire prison. 

Very excited about tonight. Just praying for no letdown, but Les has kept this shit in check all week. Even while he was pimpin with Erin Andrews. Dude is just so cool. I'm glad we still have him and that he never bailed for Michigan. He belongs in Baton Rouge, he is the perfect coach for that town and understands the magnitude of his position and doesn't try to downplay it. The Hatter has grown on me a lot since like 2006. He is a brilliant man who doesn't try to hide who he is. He's not the best public speaker, but he's a brilliant coach and recruiter who recognizes his personnel, all their strengths and weaknesses....and he game plans around that. He gambles when he has to, and there is a reason it works out for him most times and people call him lucky. The truth is, he understands the situation and what he's working with and it's almost like he's rolling loaded dice. It's not dumb luck, it's just great coaching and belief in the guys he brought in to play well in these situations that are CRAZY. He thrives off of that and does it consistently well. I really want to hang out with that guy.

I'd love nothing more than to see him make Saban his bitch tonight. Saban left the Black Panthers and Joined the KKK or maybe a better analogy is he left the Crips and joined the Bloods. Or if we're not talking gangsterism, he was a very high ranking US official and started working for the Russians in the Cold War. Fuck. Him. This W means a lot more than just number 1. Whoever wins this is most likely SEC and National Champs. It means finally getting revenge on that fucker for thinking he's better than us. Better than Baton Rouge. He should have came back to a new conference, but I think Karma is what today is about. Beating him with such huge implications would be money. 

Keeping it realer than your homeboy that goes to Ole Miss and is a Die Hard Rebel, but forgot who they're playing this week. 

 

Oh, and I'm gonna go ahead and predict LSU 9- Bama 6, in OT. Leesville's Michael Ford will almost score a TD, but he'll step out of bounds and we'll be forced to kick the FG in the first OT and kick those BamTards ass. Book It! 

Disclaimer: Arkansas has some of the best fans in the world. A lot of them are very knowledgeable and the best thing of all, they are die hard, like just about every fan base in the SEC. They also have a few retards though, but hey, so does LSU(Google Tigerdroppings dot com and look at the Tiger Rant for some good laughs). We have the Rantards at LSU, y'all have the Arktards. This blog isn't meant to insult the great fans of any team, just the hacks who wear the colors because of where they're from but know jack shit about the real situation, yet talk down to other fan bases like they are the VP of the organization. Thank you for reading.