How in the eff did you just have that baby?

I am so amazed because I couldn't watch a 2 millimeter stone come out of my dick hole. 

But I watched a damn near 7 pound human being come out of my wife. And she didn't even cry or anything, all she did was rip off my forearms with her finger nails. But she never did yell, cuss or cry. Very effing impressive.  

 

EDGE: FEMALE

when I was a baby I looked really old for my age. People would tell or ask my mom all the time, "Is he like 1 or 2?" and I'd be like "No way man, I'm only zero. I'm still zero and I don't appreciate your rude ass comments."

It came in handy later on though when I was like 18 and shaved my head and bought beer on the reg at GBI without getting carded because they thought I was a GI. And then when I grew my hair out, I'd just drive out to the Texas Ranch on Texas Highway, just out of Leesville. A bar slash drive through liquor store designed for kids who were old enough to drive cars, to buy beer. That was pretty awesome, but I hope to God they don't still have that shit when Mariah turns 15. But it was either that or O-FAB (Operation Find A Blackdude) and that sucks because 9 times out of 10 the black dude wants like 10 dollars extra (Not gonna say any names but it rhymes with Baymond). Or O-FAHG pronounced like "Oh Fag" and that just meant (Operation Find a Homeless Guy).........

........and all they want is a bottle of Boones Farm usually(for 1.99 + tax), BUT there weren't that many homeless people in Leesville. Small towns don't really have homeless people because there is nothing to see or do there for the homeless. If they are out in L.A. or NYC, there is a shit ton of activities for the homeless. Not so much in Leesville. Shit, there really isn't a lot to do when you aren't homeless except for O-FAB or O-FAHG. 

Anyway, back to babies. How the fuck do women do it? I was in the hospital for the most of last month with kidney stones and I heard a thousand people say "Oooh, I feel so bad for you, I hear it's like giving child birth." ....No it's not. It's nothing like child birth. One reason I can think of is that once they get the rock out of my dick, it won't be crying and wanting enfamil on the reg, every 2 hours. It also won't have shitty diapers every 42 minutes. And the biggest stone I've ever passed was precisely 1/100,000th the size of Mariah. Yeah, granted my penis hole is a whole hell of a lot smaller and less flexible than a Vajeen. But after doing all that math which is probably way the fuck off, the edge still goes to the woman.
 

PENIS PICS ARE NOT ALLOWED ON HERE OR I'D SHOW YOU HOW SMALL MY PENIS HOLE IS. BUT I'M NOT BRETT FAVRE OR SENATOR ANTHONY WEINER. SO JUST IMAGINE THAT PICTURE HERE.

But this is me with a kidney stone.....

And this is Melissa with a freaking Baby that's 4 million times bigger....

You may notice the subtle difference of me acting like a little bitch, crying on the couch, and her sitting there smiling at the camera with a human inside of her belly. 

EDGE: WOMEN

Reason 2, in some cases (not all, if you're unlucky like me the stone will turn into Murphy's Law and get in a spot where they can't do hardly anything about it) but most times they can blast the shit out of it and turn it into a bunch of smaller pieces so when you piss them out, it's way smaller. All of them. Well we couldn't very well blast Mariah into a million pieces before Melissa passed her out. So again, edge to the woman. 

EDGE: Who do you think? 

Reason 3, we get some kick ass pain medications. You will hurt about 15-30 minutes legitimately about once every 2.5 hours when the medicine stops working. And yeah, it hurts pretty, NO, very fucking bad until they come with your next shot of Demerol. But women have to sit there anywhere from 4 hours to as long as a week in labor not knowing when exactly the baby is coming, then the Dr. will come in and be like "OK, it's almost time." Then they give you an epidural, just before the little person inside you is about to come out and beat the shit out of your uterus and Vajeena. And then you have it, everyone is celebrating, crying tears of joy, etc. including you, the mother that just shit out an 8 pound human being and you are smiling and praying and thanking God for your miracle. 

Well when I passed my shit, I dropped to my knees and started crying like a little bitch and instead of thanking God for letting me give birth to the stone, I'm telling him "Uhm uh uh I'll never drink another beer again, I'll stop watching Dancing with the stars, I'll quit calling women that can't drive, bitches. Just anything so that this doesn't happen again." Edge once again: Female. 
  

Well obviously I still drink beer, and call non driving females bitches, but I did give up on Dancing with the Stars after Emmitt Smith kicked so much ass on there a few years ago. So yeah, I still get kidney stones. Melissa hasn't gotten a baby stone since May 7, 2010. So she's definitely living better than me. And everyone keeps asking when or if we're gonna have another one. To be honest I'm afraid to bring another baby into this effed up ass world. There's an NBA Lockout, you get fined in the NFL for hitting the Quarterback too hard and Herman Cain sexually harasses people. Like that's something new. Every man, sexually harasses a woman to an extent. Yesterday I asked a chick if I could borrow a pencil, she could have easily misconstrued that if I was a famous politician. Thank God I'm not. Yet.  And if I was Herman Cain, instead of going on Meet the Press and changing his story a few times and then using somewhat of a race card,  I would have been like "Yeah, so? That bitch was fine. All I said was that dress looks good on you girl and she got all offended. You know how bitches act. If they're hot, they get all insulted when a regular ass dude hits on them, but if she was some fat ass skeezer with a mustache and I said the same thing, it wouldn't have been harassment, it would have been a compliment. So yeah, I guess I did sexually harass her. I gave her like 30 G's to shut the fuck up and that was 10 years ago. I'm a changed man now, I don't tell pretty women shit. In fact I'm the opposite to them. Lesson learned." And with that, Herman Cane would still be a front runner with no cracker ass crackers trying to bring him down. This world appreciates honesty. So be honest and maybe you'll be President. Yeah right lolz.

Oh, but back to having another baby? Still don't know. All I know is we practice a lot. And hopefully I'll be ready when that day comes. "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation." That's what Peyton Manning always says. So I'll definitely be prepared. Just have to keep practicing, and practice is a lot of fun. So we'll see. Right now I need to get rich and famous so I can send Mariah and if she has a little brother, to some private catholic school on the East Coast so they can go pro. At Something. Or move back down to Lake Chuck so they can get in PE Gym and start learning how to kick ass like Quay. 

Peace. Have a good rest of the week. We're heading to Dallas to watch them kill Buffalo in a few days. Y'all pray for our trip and my shitty ass kidney that works about as good as the Seattle Seahawks defense. I don't want to end up like Alonzo Mourning. (Google him girls). And this game is huge. We're down 2 games to the Giants and Buffalo is tied with the Jets for 1st, so both teams have a lot to play for. 

Keeping it realer than a pregnant pill head married to an insane clown posse juggalo.

Is LSU playing Alabama this week?

It's a good thing I read papers, articles on the intrawebz, pay attention to people on Face Book, watch ESPN, FOX Sports and the Oxygen Network or I wouldn't have had a clue. Oh and like most tiger fans MEMORIZE THE FUCKING SCHEDULE.

This Arktard actually asked me yesterday, Friday November 4th...... (Knowing I'm probably the only LSU fan on the entire campus here in ArkansaNs (as Les calls it) wearing LSU Shirts, hoodies and Hats where these fuckers make fun of me on the reg, like we aren't SEC Royalty).........Anyway he asked, "if I knew that LSU was playing at Alabama this weekend?" This same dude has made fun of me at least 3 times for loving LSU and once even said, why don't you go to LSU if you love them so much? Oh, and my answer to that was because "I'm too stupid and these Arkansas schools were the only ones that would let me in." Anyway, concerning this particular conversation......

Me: Uhh doubtful. I'm not sure we're playing them this year.

Him: Oh I"m pretty sure I saw it on the local news this morning.

Me: Well, your news is way the fuck off homey. I'm sure I would have heard somewhere more important than your local news if something like this was happening.

Him: I could be wrong, maybe it's next week.

Me: I'm sure that's the case. I know for a FACT if they were playing each other I would have heard about this by now from a reliable media source, check your info homes.  

But the effed up part about this was another dude that I talk to on the reg (and happens to be a very knowledgeable fan who realizes we must win and Arkie must beat South Carolina for their hopes to extend by beating us after Thanksgiving, IF we can beat Bama) sits behind me and asked me if I was nervous about tomorrow and I was like, "Yeah a little, the styles are just so similar, I'm just hoping our defense jumps so far on top of them early and shakes the QB's and either they make a big play or put our offense in good situations. Also I feel like JJ will come in on a few packages early and actually run the ball, then all of a sudden come in later and launch that bitch for either huge gains or TD's." 

Then the Tard overheard us and was like "What game are y'all talking about" and before the dude behind me could say anything I was like, "Dallas. Really worried about Dallas/Seattle this week." To which he responded, "Yeah, I hate Dallas too." and I wanted to tell him "I hate you, I hate your overalls, I hate your dingy ass hat and I hate your cheek that's swollen from all your fucking tobacco use." But I'm a nice guy and left it at "Dallas/Seattle this week." 

I know this must have been rude. But 1.) This guy is the epitome of Red Neck dick who looks down on anyone not from Arkansas(and I'll go on record and say right now, most people here are pretty cool, and a lot of people are transplants from out of state so they don't all bleed Arkansas red, hell, a lot of them are Oklahoma Sooner fans since we're right on the Oklahoma border) But this is the type of mother fucker that probably dresses like those Raiders fans that way overdo it. 

He does it because he loves his team, but he has no clue about the outside implications or ramifications from the rest of the SEC. Like he doesn't realize LSU needs to win this game for Arkansas to have any chance. He also made a comment about how he hopes Bama kills us which most true Arkansas fans would find laughable. The only 2 states that should really hate us if they aren't playing LSU should be Oklahoma, Southern California and I saw a poll recently where Maine doesn't like us either. I think it's because the biggest drug dealer in Nantucket, Adam from Real World Vegas, that got his ass kicked off 2 shows in record time....

...must have disliked Dustin Zito(from La) or something and now the whole state holds a grudge. I don't know.  I also happen to know that if anyone wasn't excited about this game since not only months ago, but at the very least, 2 weeks ago when the hype officially kicked off, they are ignorant college football fans who pose to act like they know what the eff is going on. And these people approach me with the topic of football. I can talk to anyone about anything, and I don't mind it either. Shit, I can have a conversation about how global warming is affecting sea cows in south Florida, but I have a hard time interacting with these people when they bring up football, but know absolute shit about it. I wear my fandom on my sleeve. I mean everyone that's around me for more than a few minutes not only knows football is all I think or care about outside of my family, but I rep my teams pretty hard. I sometimes pretend I'm Chris Fowler, and subtly converse with them without putting them down, but you can tell I really want to. 

Or sometimes Herbie, even though I kind of used to hate him for his lack of love for the SEC and he just kind of looks like a Penis Head to be honest. But anyone that starts talking to me about irrelevant CFB talk, I kind of just dismiss them. Not always in a mean way, like if it's a girl who knows a little bit, I don't mind talking to her. But a dude wearing an Arkansas hat that just knows he wants Arkansas to win but has no other clues about whats going on that week, I immediately know I have nothing in common with him. At least in Ohio they love the Buckeyes and they are some of the most knowledgeable fans in the world along with ours(LSU), just thought I'd throw that out there.

Anyway, this is one of, if not the THE biggest games ever. Number 1 vs Number 2. Not like in 2006 where tOSU and Michigan were in a similar situation at the very end of the season (Mainly because that's what the media wanted to see and gave some shitty votes all season long to see that happen) but it ended very soft like terry cloth and the winner gets to do guess what? Play Florida in the National Championship and get embarrassed. HARD. Well this wont be like that. The team that wins this game, should not have trouble being #1 in the nation again, throughout the season. I seriously doubt a team from the SEC East is gonna beat any of us, rather it be LSU/Bama or even Arkansas in the SEC-CG(Since writing this Arky destroyed South Carolina and they might be the most worthy contender in the East. Ain't Happnin Curlahna.). It's just a damn shame this game itself can't be the National Championship. And for the record we have more studs on our defense than Angola has in it's entire prison. 

Very excited about tonight. Just praying for no letdown, but Les has kept this shit in check all week. Even while he was pimpin with Erin Andrews. Dude is just so cool. I'm glad we still have him and that he never bailed for Michigan. He belongs in Baton Rouge, he is the perfect coach for that town and understands the magnitude of his position and doesn't try to downplay it. The Hatter has grown on me a lot since like 2006. He is a brilliant man who doesn't try to hide who he is. He's not the best public speaker, but he's a brilliant coach and recruiter who recognizes his personnel, all their strengths and weaknesses....and he game plans around that. He gambles when he has to, and there is a reason it works out for him most times and people call him lucky. The truth is, he understands the situation and what he's working with and it's almost like he's rolling loaded dice. It's not dumb luck, it's just great coaching and belief in the guys he brought in to play well in these situations that are CRAZY. He thrives off of that and does it consistently well. I really want to hang out with that guy.

I'd love nothing more than to see him make Saban his bitch tonight. Saban left the Black Panthers and Joined the KKK or maybe a better analogy is he left the Crips and joined the Bloods. Or if we're not talking gangsterism, he was a very high ranking US official and started working for the Russians in the Cold War. Fuck. Him. This W means a lot more than just number 1. Whoever wins this is most likely SEC and National Champs. It means finally getting revenge on that fucker for thinking he's better than us. Better than Baton Rouge. He should have came back to a new conference, but I think Karma is what today is about. Beating him with such huge implications would be money. 

Keeping it realer than your homeboy that goes to Ole Miss and is a Die Hard Rebel, but forgot who they're playing this week. 

 

Oh, and I'm gonna go ahead and predict LSU 9- Bama 6, in OT. Leesville's Michael Ford will almost score a TD, but he'll step out of bounds and we'll be forced to kick the FG in the first OT and kick those BamTards ass. Book It! 

Disclaimer: Arkansas has some of the best fans in the world. A lot of them are very knowledgeable and the best thing of all, they are die hard, like just about every fan base in the SEC. They also have a few retards though, but hey, so does LSU(Google Tigerdroppings dot com and look at the Tiger Rant for some good laughs). We have the Rantards at LSU, y'all have the Arktards. This blog isn't meant to insult the great fans of any team, just the hacks who wear the colors because of where they're from but know jack shit about the real situation, yet talk down to other fan bases like they are the VP of the organization. Thank you for reading.  

Motorcycles Change Lives!

"And if you ain't rocking your Harley Davidson gear at church, Jesus is gonna probably hate you." -- Tommy Peek 

I don't know when this shit started, but I'm not the only one noticing it either. Recently it was brought to my attention by someone else that the most normal, middle class, middle of the road married couples are changing their lives at like 55+, buying a motorcycle and then within 2 years they are wearing black leather chaps, a sleeveless Harley Davidson shirt, 22 tats on each arm, one earring in the left ear and a full grown fucking Fu Manchu. Oh and a shaved head in most cases, while the woman will get a tight fade so that the helmet fits her head better. Then his wife gives him a nickname like, I don't know, lets just say "Skid Lid" and she changes her name to "Skid Lids Old Lady." This is becoming so common, I'm sure this might be one of the most related to topics I've ever talked about. If you live in a town with a population of like 15K to about 100K, you'll definitely see this on the reg. One day your mom and dad is Joe and Nancy, retired ROTC Teacher and housewife/homemaker then you might leave for a few years or something and come home and your parents have turned into fucking Clay Morrow and Gemma Teller.
 

 And how the eff is Peggy Bundy gonna just become the most Gangster Bitch in America? 

I remember when it used to be Oprah, everyone wanted to be Oprah. She owns everything, including the letter "O." Like you'll be on Wheel of Fortune and it's your turn and you're all like "OK Pat, I want to buy an O." And instead of them charging you 50 dollars, Pat Sajak is like "Oooh that's gonna cost you 10G's for copyright reasons. But yeah, there are 5 O's.".......... I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat, "Why the fuck are old people on Motorcycles?" That is correct(And I think that phrase has 5 O's, but feel free to call me out if I'm wrong). Now I see women in the Malls and Wal-Marks looking just like Gemma. They don't even buy the Kathy Lee Gifford shit at K-Mart anymore (mostly because there are no more K-marts I guess), but if they did have K-Mart still, the women would be buying the all black gear or going to the men's section and buying shirts that say "Jesus Rides a Harley" or "If you can read this, the bitch fell off lolz." 

But yeah, when did this officially start? I was out of the country from like 03-07 and while in Cleveland until about late 2008 I never really noticed anything. In fact I'm not sure I've ever seen a legit motorcycle gang in my life, like you see on National Geographic or Gangland. I do remember being like 7 and on a road trip to Alabama and saw 13 fat guys riding motorcycles on the highway, so they possibly could have been Hells Angels. It's possible. My Mom certainly told me they were and told me not to look at them or they'd kill us. But now I see groups of 4 or 6 everywhere and 9 times out of 10, they are at least 57 years old. I'm 32 now and I'm starting to understand mid life crisis's a little bit, but shit, I'll never buy a motorcycle. I already know I'm not any good at it because I sit on the mother fucker and I want to start pedaling to keep it upright and from falling. It's hard to imagine you can sit on a 2 wheeled object without pedaling and causing some kind of centripetal force with your feet, and not fall over. The closest I ever got to trying to ride a motorcycle was this one time I jacked this Iraqi dude named Bossom's moped or vespa or whatever the eff it's called.......

......and crashed that bitch into a T-wall and it bounced up and kicked me in the head like a horse probably would have had I forcefully raped him and took him for a ride. Anyway, lesson learned. I knew then motorcycles weren't for me. And the funny thing is one time in like 2002 when I first saw Biker Boyz on HBO I was like "Hmm, that's interesting. Black guys are no longer bloods and crips, they are bikers." And I was thinking of starting a chapter of Biker Boyz in Leesville. I was gonna get JJ to help start it up so we'd have one black guy, myself, I'd be the white guy, and Adam Cito was gonna be our Puerto Rican. But then I realized none of us had motorcycles, none of us knew how to ride motorcycles, (Shit, like 2 months earlier we damn near killed ourselves on Vinson road doing about a hundred and jumped over 1211 in my 95 dodge neon, so imagine us on some Harleys or some yellow ass Honda's), and we didn't really have any Filipinos in Leesville that were willing to follow us around on 4 wheelers while we were out stunting and hustling other biker gangs. Racing them for their helmets. That's how it goes down. 

So I'm guessing it was either "Biker Boyz" or perhaps "Sons of Anarchy" that led to this new trend. And I'll be the first one to admit I love Sons of Anarchy. Easily one of the best non HBO shows on TV. But it's like a gift and a curse. It's like having a huge dick I guess, it's good because it's uhh huge, but bad because it weighs you down when you're running the 40. That's how Sons of Anarchy is, it's good because it's an awesome show, but it's bad because a lot of people are out doing shit they should have did in their 20's.  Not now. Not at 61. If you are eligible for Social Security, you shouldn't be allowed in/on anything but a Buick Park Avenue. 

TRUE STORY:  Over this past summer while me and my wife were in Chicago, some guy asked my dad to work on his motorcycle because my dad is a fucking mechanical genius. My dad helped AC Slater put back together Mr. Belding's car when Jesse's evil stepbrother from New York stripped that bitch into a million pieces. Then Jesse's stepbrother came out from underneath it at the end of the episode and took all the credit.  

ADD Digression. Anyway, so my dad fixed this guys motorcycle and tried to ride it in the back yard, then crashed that bitch sideways, broke his hip, bruised his kidneys, and his neighbor got to watch him do it. 


Now my dad is steady mobbing on one of these.....

It's been a good week. Been passing all my tests, almost finished my paper in Philosophy and have discovered that you used to could just go to work as a philosopher if you couldn't find a job in the 1800's. All these Occupy Wall Street mother fuckers should just become philosophers until they find a real job. Also check out that new trailer for "21 Jump Street" starring Jonah Hill. Not sure where you can find it unless you are following him on Twitter. And he lost a shit ton of weight. Everyone thinks he's this chubby pot-head but dude is about his business and probably one of the hardest working actors/writers in Hollywood. He's like P-diddy except he's not. 

Keeping it realer than your great uncle Brian that just bought a fucking Gold Wing and changed his name to Monster Balls. 
 

Uh Hi, I just flew in from LA and boy are my arms tired!

whacka! whacka!

"ha ha very funny motha fucka!" "That shit ain't funny playboy!" "Give me my refund bitch!"

Stand up comedy. Easily the most stressful job in the world as far as I'm concerned. I'd rather be in a shootout with 50 Iraqi insurgents than to be on stage in front of 50 mother  fuckers that are just sitting there, waiting on you to make them laugh. It's almost as stressful as being at Subway at lunch time and there is a line of like 7 people behind you. That is HUGE pressure.

You're all like "Uh turkey, no uh ham, oh the bread, shit, what kind of bread do you guys have again?" And everyone behind you is looking at you like you're a white dude that just dropped the N bomb at a black church. Straight up disappointment and failure.  

And you're just ordering a sammich. It's that much worse on a stage where people paid 10 dollars plus a 2 drink minimum so they can pretty much heckle you and tell you how funny you aren't. So I just wanted to throw this out there. I recently met up with a comedian and he asked me why I don't try some of my written material for shits and giggles and the answer is simple. Because I'm a big pussy. I'm scared to death to be on stage. Even more scared of failure and rejection. 

So how do I overcome this fear? It's something I've always wanted to do. I had Eddie Murphy's Delirious and Raw memorized word for word by the time I was 11. I'd stay up late and watch those 30 minute stand-up specials on HBO but some of those sucked. Like remember Sinbad for instance? lolz

Now, I'm really trying to talk myself into going into an open mic night and seeing if I have the balls to pull off 5 minutes of material. I was told recently by a famous comedian that I won't name because I don't want to look like a dick that's doing big thangs and meeting important people even though I am meeting famous people and I am a dick and hope to do big thangs. But he told me he writes like 2-4 hours of material almost daily, and at the end of the week, he may use 5 minutes of it. That really does nothing to build my confidence. OK so enough of that. I might do it, might not. We'll see. 

But what has been bothering me lately are certain kinds of gay people. I've noticed that here in Western Arkansas and Eastern Oklahoma that there are a lot of fat gay white guys but they talk like fat black girls. I don't understand that. Again, nothing wrong with homodom from me? Do what you do, love who you're gonna love. But why do you have to talk like Monique when you look like Ralphie May? It's rampant around here. I guess ultimately I don't really have a problem with it or anything, I just find it funny and kind of odd. Whatever though. Do what you do Play uhh boy I guess.  

And last thing, I was thinking that if I was gonna do a stand up act, I'd do like 5 minutes about how I caught the Dos Equis guy doing shit that wasn't interesting. Like instead of swimming with sharks, I caught him floating on a boogie board in 2 inches of water. Or instead of sitting in the hot tub with 5 chicks being admired, I caught him dropping an accidental deuce that became a floater and the hoes had to break for it. Or instead of drinking dos equis, I catch his ass drinking that fake miller lite that the bartenders make fun of you for. Oh and also I'll catch him buying weed like he's a pro, but can't roll the joint and then asks some black dude to do it and the black dude will be insulted like "Bitch, just because I'm black I know how to roll a joint, you fuckin racist!" and Dos Equis guy will get punked the eff out. Then he gets pulled over for swerving and the cop will be like "Sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?" and he'd be like "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, ahh shit, I only had like one beer 2 hours ago officer." Because that's what all you drunk ass DWI having penis heads say to the cops. 

Gotta go. It's Friday. My beard is getting thick. And I'm keeping it realer than your great aunt stealing your other great aunts bingo cards and blaming your old ass Uncle Harold. 

Before I go, check out my boy from Leesville, WAP100. He's been doing his thing for a long minute and hustles hard. This is one of his older tracks but I was feeling it so I wanted to show him some love on here.

Man, I hope Brother Palmer doesn't read my shit!

And Randall Smith. I hate to think Mr. Randall knows how filthy I sometimes talk. I respect him more than just about any man on this earth. But if he reads this, I hope he kind of ignores the profanity and laughs at me. And he has the best laugh ever!

I still do have a conscious. I try to live right and I won't curse around my daughter or in public on the reg, just in my car while I'm yelling at snatchfaces that can't drive, but I still feel bad about cussing on here and knowing people I really respect like Debbie Smith, Penny Scogin or Mrs. Self might be reading this. But they know me and they know my heart is good and my mouth is bad. I try to tone it down drastically by saying Eff, Effing etc. instead of just Fuck. So I'm trying. And when I flip people off, I use my pinky instead of my middle finger.

TRUE STORY: I used to pretend I was doing stand up comedy in the shower, like how some people sing in the shower, I just tell jokes and pretend everyone is laughing. Then I'd be like, man I can't tell that joke, the whole First Baptist Church will hate me.

Hopefully they realize now that cussing is like tattoos, almost everyone does it. May not be pretty, but it's just something that's so common, it's hard to stop.  And lets face it, some jokes just aren't as funny without saying umm effing. Like Bill Cosby wasn't as funny as Eddie Murphy because, well Eddie Murphy could have never said a cuss word and still been funnier so that's a bad example. But that's a point I'm trying to make. Sometimes bad words add to the emotion of a joke and they are necessary. Whatever I have to tell myself. But at least I don't murder people and sale cocaine on the reg, so I'm doing something right. But when Mariah gets like 13 and she says "Dammit", I'm gonna wash her mouth out with broccoli, cuz she hates that shit. 

Anyway, this one has to be short. Just trying to stay ahead of the game and I have to keep banging these out so my numbers stay up, I get famous, I buy an Escalade. And every pair of Jordans they ever made, even though I stopped rocking them like 3 years ago. Shit, Christmas of 09 I wanted a PS3 and Melissa kept telling me "Ooh, you're gonna love what I got you. You're gonna love what I got you etc." since like November. So I just knew I was getting a PS3!

Got a pair of some fucking throwback Jordans. Oh, they were still tight and they were my favorite ones ever made. 

But I was like, how the eff am I gonna play Madden 10 on these? Plus I bought her like a laptop or something and some jewelry and I'd been dropping hints since like 2007 I wanted a PS3, but she's right. I only play that shit for a week and it's dust. But I was disappointed. I even admitted my disappointment which was a penis move. Normally I'll never look a gift horse in the mouth. But c'mon son. I needed a PS3 and shit. I didn't get my Intenda til the Super Intenda came out. I didn't get a Play Station 1 til like dream cast, Nintendo 64 and probably 4 other games came out. Then I had me a good job in like 02 and got one of the first PS2s. I stayed on Grand Theft Auto for like 6 months, just jacking cars and beating up hookers, and obtaining AK's and just shooting random people. I never even beat the game, nor understood the premise. I just like committing crimes without having to go to court or the pokey. Oh and I'd taunt the Police so I could outrun them. If life was like Grand Theft Auto, I might actually try being a criminal because the Po Po never caught me. Never. 

Then I got bored with it, and I'd create these Super Madden Teams, because like in 02-04 you could create your own player and have 100 percent attributes for all the players you create, meaning you could create the perfect body with 100 percent speed, 100 percent agility, 100 percent intelligence, 100 percent strength etc. I basically created the entire Leesville Wampus Cat team from my Sophomore year(Superdome Team) and made us the Dallas Cowboys. The only difference was instead of me being a back up behind Sigi Milerski at Blood D-End and a back-up Tight End behind Trey Tindoll, I made myself the starting QB and I could run faster than Michael Vick and throw like a fucking Greek God if Greek Gods played football.

Oh and any of y'all Sr's on that Superdome team, remember when I used to have to run the plays in at TE being just a scary ass sophomore on the switch? LOL I probably mis-relayed the plays to J Green at least 35 times. But it all worked out because instead of a 58 sweep to Cecil, it would just be a 59 and he'd still get like 92 yards and a TD. No biggie. One time I think I told Jason a pass play though when it was like 3rd and 1 and luckily he caught my mistake or Danny would have pissed in my helmet and benched me for the rest of the year.

Anyway, back to the video game shit. I ended every game with like 600 rushing yds by myself on like 8 carries and 8 TD's on the ground and then I'd throw for another 2 thousand or so yds to Marcus Thurman, Greg Burns, Xavier Burrell, Jerry Haynes, Jason Self, and Jason Green since he got booted from QB because I was way more talented in that game for some reason. I effing ruled. But it gets boring when you go undefeated and you have a perfect QB rating and the stats get fucked up and stop tracking because you are in the 70 thousands on every category. And I played Corner Back too and had something like 15 picks in one game. I'd play 15 minute quarters and use one controller, I'd switch them for both teams. Like I'd get the other team and throw the ball right to myself while I was playing defense. Then once my stats were one hunned, I'd let Greg Rone and Ced Clemons get like 200 sacks and shit, Sorry Sigi, you kind of got left out because you were at D-End and the ball just really didn't come your way, but even still you had some pro bowl stats by today's standards. Oh and I'd throw these like 128 Y seems to Trey Tindoll and he'd avg like 8 catches for 150 yds and 2-3 TDs. The scores would be ridiculous. I'd even let Mr. All American Special Teamer Charlie Miller return punts for like 108 yds a pop. He had a crazy avg. Like whatever the record for the longest kick off and punt return was, Charlie averaged that number. And for good measure I'd get him like 5,000 sacks. So he was also pro bowl worthy. But yeah, that all got boring and I never touched my PS2 again. That's why Melis won't buy me anymore gaming systems.....til she totally redeemed herself and bought me the old Intenda/Super Intenda and Sega Genesis all in one a few months ago. Cool Story Bro.

Anyway, tonight is a date night. Have to watch Grays Ontonomy and I owe it to her cuz I've been hustlin so hard and going hard in the paint I've been neglecting the love of my life. Can't take that for granted. She's the only reason I'm driven for success anyway. I want her to caress my biceps and tell me how not fat they are while I watch that shitty ass shit show. 


Oh but also about my shitty fucking day. Got up at like 4:20 this morning (and no wake and bake you fucking pot heads) I don't smoke that shit. It makes you grow man tits, or I probably would. Anyway, studied hard. Left like 22 tweets on twitter. 4 facebook status updates(always looking for the lolz) My goal is like 8 comments and 15 likes and I call it a success. Fixed my schedule for next semester which took me just short of a week, then had to go to class all morning, take a test at around noonish, and then do a paper after that for 3+ hours and go see my adviser that thinks I'm a complete tard because I never come prepared, but the jokes on her, because she has to do extra work, I don't have to do shit. And what can she do? Get Mad! that's it. Anyway, I've been pissing blood for like 2 weeks since the kidney stone saga and I've turned anemic. I feel like I guess you could say "very soft like terry cloth", even though I can't fucking stand to use that to describe myself because y'all know how hard I go. I do hard shit. All the time. Always being Gangster, never posing. I see old men at gas stations and mean mug the fuck out of them til they stop looking at me. 

They know whats up. So today, all this shit happens, then the Dr calls and orders some medicine for me at Walgreen's. Like all things that start with Wal, they can fuck up a wet dream. I've never been to the Wal Marks and had a good experience, so why should Wal-Greens be any different. Anyway, this fucking butthole asked me if I wanted a Flu shot and I was like "No, Dick!" except it was more like "um no sir, I think I'm good." But you know the only time I ever got the flu, it was when I got a fucking flu shot, that's when. Anyway,  it only injects you with the flu so that you don't get the flu. Lot of fucking sense that makes. Ima start just injecting mother fuckers with AIDS and Cancer so they won't get AIDS and Cancer. Seems logical enough. 

Oh and this effing Dick Nut bought 14 bottles of sprite in front of me while I'm trying to pay for my medicine. Who the fuck needs 14 2 liter bottles of sprite? And this Pharmtard checking us out didn't think to scan one bottle and multiply it times 14. He just straight scanned each one, then he's like "Whoops, I think I mis-counted, better start over." I had a lot of other negative shit happen today too. It was 44 degrees, raining, had to walk all over campus at every angle. Only when it rains, shit like that happens. So today I'm just hating on everybody. That's all this is about. If HBO reads this, they'll be like, what a fucking jerk off that never takes work off, but baby I got a plan. And Kanye has been going hard lately too. Been listening to his old shit and it keeps me feeling just the right amount of real. Not mad enough to commit road rage on these pecker woods that drive like Keiths Asian wife LC(BOOM!) but mad enough to talk shit and yell at them for no reason. It keeps me balanced. 


Since this blog is basically about nothing and I'm doing it in about 3 minutes. Just gonna throw some important things in here real quick. 

1st: Crystal Trull is mean as the fuck to me lately. Stop Hatin. Thought we were homies. You effing meany! And you get a free shout out in my blog. So be blessed.

2nd: WATCH THESE SHOWS(in no particular order)

How To Make It In America

Workaholics

An American Horror Story

Sons of Anarchy

Not baseball

Hawaii 5-0(that intro song gets me so krunk, makes me want to pistol whip your grandma for real for real)

Tosh is still ok, but he's falling off.

and last but not least....

The Mother Effing Walking Dead. This season has me so intense. I pray the Zombies come out so I can do my thing.

might be forgetting some, but that oughta hold ya, since it's still football season.

   

3rd: SHOWS NOT TO WATCH(in no particular order)

Baseball

Desperate Housewives 

Grays Ontonomy

Ain't gonna lie, kind of glad Jersey Shore is over

Real World San Diego(Vegas was way better, guess cuz we knew a guy on there)

Anything on HGTV

Anything on Food Network

Dancing with the Stars who really aren't stars. Shit, I should dance on there. Kenny Powers follows me on twitter. I'm at least a J-list celeb.  

Keeping it realer than Nick Cannon at a white person talent show. 

 

Peace. Subscribe. Comment. Do you're thing. Much Love. Have a good weekend. If you have a baby, kiss and hug them HARD. And if you have a wife, you better effing watch Grays Ontonomy. And nothing makes your wife more mad than mispronouncing her favorite show on purpose. FACT! 

Oh, and special shout out to my homeboy Jason Self. That picture you took was hilarious and brought back some great memories. Needed that laugh today buddy. Appreciate ya. And the whole "What Red found in old blue really made me LOL for real for real."

Oh, you're not getting a Miller Lite?

Well that's the 2nd unmanly thing you've done today?

what was the 1st thing?

Well you broke into those projects in Huntsville and raped everyone lololol ha ha ha ha ha

So many huge problems I have with Miller Lite being the "Manly" drink. I know some pretty cool dudes that drink it but I also happen to know they don't make fun of their effeminate friends for not drinking it. If you want to do a commercial about some Men being Men, have their ass so drunk that they are doing tequila shots off of fat girls belly buttons and then make fun of their friend that's still drinking Miller Lite. But that's just me. 


OK so enough about my beef with that commercial, oh, but one more thing. I fucking hate how the bartenders are so rude and dick-headish about how they treat the guy like complete shit because he doesn't order a Miller Lite. So fucking what? You're a bar tender, you be nice, you make conversations and you might even flirt a little bit if you want a broke ass like me to tip you. But No! You insult everything about me, turn your nose up at me because I'm wearing a dragon jacket or some sun glasses or some shit. Well fuck you and your tip. Hope you had fun making fun of me because that tip jar is getting zero pesos in that bitch.

In fact, I might even find some drunk ass crack head that's been hitting everyone up in the club all night for some percocets or coke, to just straight rob your tip jar for you being such a dick. I also knew a guy that did this once and it wasn't pretty. The bouncers reacted like the dude was trying to kill the President and beat the horse fuck out of him. He walked over to the tip jar, but he limped back to the Police car. It was good times for us though. Anything that happens after 1:30 at a bar and is remotely interesting is pretty cool to watch in my humble opinion.

So now the story I've been promising all of you. I wrote this on myspace some years ago. I call it "Sherondia's True Hollywood Story!" Some of you will love it. Others will be like "Who the fuck is Eric Dickerson?"...Well a quick description would be to say that he was one of the greatest running backs in the history of the NFL. He doesn't get on one of those shows on the NFL network without being ranked in the top 10, normally 5 or sometimes 3.

You had "Sweetness" aka Walter Payton who in my mind is unquestionably number 1. You have to throw in Emmitt Smith simply because of his durability, the fact he broke Payton's all time rushing record and kicked complete ass on Dancing With The Stars, and some may argue that Dickerson is interchangeable with Emmitt or even throw in Barry Sanders even though his career was so short.. Oh and if you're real old school, you'll say Jim Brown which bumps Dickerson down a bit further. Anyway, the year must have been like 72...........I will now describe the hero of my story!

So Sherondia is one of our cooks in Iraq(Actually head cook, in charge of everybody that cooks anything, including people(just kidding)) . I absolutely loved her. We hit it off so well because we both normally worked night shifts and she was always one of the few people I could talk to while doing security checks or whatever. She always made me empanadas or croissants and would tell me a story. Her husband was a Texas Ranger. Not the weak ass baseball kind, but the Chuck Norris kind. I'll use Trivette because he was blacker than Chuck Norris and kicked just about as much ass. 

He'd kick your ass so hard, let you be in the hospital recovering, then he'd send you a picture of how bad he's gonna kick your ass again once you get out of the hospital. Dude was like 6"4" and his stature would tell you "I'm not to be fucked with!" If he would have been a slave in say the 1700's, slavery probably would have ended a lot sooner. Some people just have that quality. I guess that's why him and Sherondia (Moma Ronda as I called her) were such a good fit for each other. Anyway, she was from the hood in Houston. The real hood. The one Scarface talks about and Bushwick Bill would rob pedestrians for their Jordan's and then resale them to the guy they stole them from the next day for 25% off. They hung out with those dudes with Gangster ass nick names like Killin’ boy, pokey, big joe, go-deal, lil lane.(Song reference, 5 points if you get it right!)

I'm pretty sure the Geto Boys did their first single outside Moma Ronda's house and used her as a muse for bad assness. So one night I had a few coronas and it was kind of an off night and Sherondia was outside doing nothing. Really just bored and waiting for me to come tell me a story. We started talking about football and she was like "Mike, you remember Eric Dickerson?" and I was like "Hell Yes!" She said, "Man, I almost had to kill that bitch one time at a track meet in the 70's." She certainly had my ears at this point. I might be a little fuzzy telling this, because she told me in like 2005 or something like that. Well anyway, while she was in High School, she was at a track meet and Eric Dickerson happened to ask her to get up out of her seat.

She politely told him "Yeah, just give me a second." Then he reiterated, something like "bitch, do you know who I am, get the eff up out my seat!"

And now of course people are watching, some laughing, some waiting on drama, you know how it goes. Sherondia then says ""MOTHA FUCKA, Ima kill yo punk ass!" So without Eric Dickerson even knowing, she just went APE SHIT and stabbed him in the face with her cleats. Not some normal ass baseball cleats, but those original track cleats, with fucking platinum Steele on them and she punctured his face with it. CRAZY. That's whats up.

And normally I am not a gullible dude, but she went off the deep end on Eric Dickerson's "Punk Motha Fuckin ass", and I guess I believe her. I mean usually when I hear bullshit here, it's more like "I really work for the CIA" or "I hate to talk about who I had to kill!" but NOPE, she just told me she kicked Eric Dickerson's ass with a CLEAT. How can you not believe that shit? She also said he just backed away and lost his swagger, and bailed out of the situation asap. It's kind of hard to play that shit off, you probably just want to run to the bathroom and make sure your face is still in tact.

I was like "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, I always just thought he had acne, turns out those were cleat holes all over his face. Then I said, but didn't he wear those thick ass goggles? He should have seen the holocaust happen in 1883, how the fuck could he not see that cleat coming at him at like 90 mph?" And her response was "I was too fuckin fast for him, Mike." LOLOL. God I miss Sherondia. Over the course of about 3 years she told me some great stories. Some I'll never repeat (for her sake), but this one she said I could talk about. He's prob too embarrassed to press charges now like 40 years later anyway. 


So that's about all I got. I've got a shit ton of work to start doing nowish concerning my academic future, and I prob won't come up for air til like Saturday or Sunday(Thank God LSU has a bye week). I'm trying to keep pounding these out so that the big wigs that I'm depending on can see that I can keep coming with the material. I've already corresponded with a few others that I won't name until it's official that we're going back and forth with more than just pleasantries. Some of these guys intimidate the hell out of me, but they are no different than me, except already famous, rich, etc. But I have a perspective that maybe they don't have and that's my only weapon. Also much love for Darnell "B-Lack" Bradley aka Da Poet. Dude hustles hard and in this world it's all we have if we want more. There's nothing left for our generation to inherit, so we have to grab it by the balls.  In the mean time I need all you guys to keep posting these links on your page. The more hits I get, the harder it is for these people to ignore me and think I can't obtain an audience. It's a little late in the game for me to go to school for this particular thing, so I'm gonna have to be discovered the old fashioned way.  Please subscribe and keep doing what your doing. I can't stress enough how much I appreciate your support. So help me now, or I might be your nurse and I can't start an IV for shit. When, NOT if my life long dream comes true, I will not forget any of you. FACT! Love all you guys. Everyone on my facebook list I consider more than a friend. Everyone of you I have a unique experience with that we shared a good laugh or maybe even a good cry, but mostly laughs. Please know that.

Keeping it realer than Justin Brown slanging y'all cars like he's Don Ready and winning those salesman of the month trophies like he's Zig Ziegler. Everyday He's Hustlin!