Uh Hi, I just flew in from LA and boy are my arms tired!

whacka! whacka!

"ha ha very funny motha fucka!" "That shit ain't funny playboy!" "Give me my refund bitch!"

Stand up comedy. Easily the most stressful job in the world as far as I'm concerned. I'd rather be in a shootout with 50 Iraqi insurgents than to be on stage in front of 50 mother  fuckers that are just sitting there, waiting on you to make them laugh. It's almost as stressful as being at Subway at lunch time and there is a line of like 7 people behind you. That is HUGE pressure.

You're all like "Uh turkey, no uh ham, oh the bread, shit, what kind of bread do you guys have again?" And everyone behind you is looking at you like you're a white dude that just dropped the N bomb at a black church. Straight up disappointment and failure.  

And you're just ordering a sammich. It's that much worse on a stage where people paid 10 dollars plus a 2 drink minimum so they can pretty much heckle you and tell you how funny you aren't. So I just wanted to throw this out there. I recently met up with a comedian and he asked me why I don't try some of my written material for shits and giggles and the answer is simple. Because I'm a big pussy. I'm scared to death to be on stage. Even more scared of failure and rejection. 

So how do I overcome this fear? It's something I've always wanted to do. I had Eddie Murphy's Delirious and Raw memorized word for word by the time I was 11. I'd stay up late and watch those 30 minute stand-up specials on HBO but some of those sucked. Like remember Sinbad for instance? lolz

Now, I'm really trying to talk myself into going into an open mic night and seeing if I have the balls to pull off 5 minutes of material. I was told recently by a famous comedian that I won't name because I don't want to look like a dick that's doing big thangs and meeting important people even though I am meeting famous people and I am a dick and hope to do big thangs. But he told me he writes like 2-4 hours of material almost daily, and at the end of the week, he may use 5 minutes of it. That really does nothing to build my confidence. OK so enough of that. I might do it, might not. We'll see. 

But what has been bothering me lately are certain kinds of gay people. I've noticed that here in Western Arkansas and Eastern Oklahoma that there are a lot of fat gay white guys but they talk like fat black girls. I don't understand that. Again, nothing wrong with homodom from me? Do what you do, love who you're gonna love. But why do you have to talk like Monique when you look like Ralphie May? It's rampant around here. I guess ultimately I don't really have a problem with it or anything, I just find it funny and kind of odd. Whatever though. Do what you do Play uhh boy I guess.  

And last thing, I was thinking that if I was gonna do a stand up act, I'd do like 5 minutes about how I caught the Dos Equis guy doing shit that wasn't interesting. Like instead of swimming with sharks, I caught him floating on a boogie board in 2 inches of water. Or instead of sitting in the hot tub with 5 chicks being admired, I caught him dropping an accidental deuce that became a floater and the hoes had to break for it. Or instead of drinking dos equis, I catch his ass drinking that fake miller lite that the bartenders make fun of you for. Oh and also I'll catch him buying weed like he's a pro, but can't roll the joint and then asks some black dude to do it and the black dude will be insulted like "Bitch, just because I'm black I know how to roll a joint, you fuckin racist!" and Dos Equis guy will get punked the eff out. Then he gets pulled over for swerving and the cop will be like "Sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?" and he'd be like "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, ahh shit, I only had like one beer 2 hours ago officer." Because that's what all you drunk ass DWI having penis heads say to the cops. 

Gotta go. It's Friday. My beard is getting thick. And I'm keeping it realer than your great aunt stealing your other great aunts bingo cards and blaming your old ass Uncle Harold. 

Before I go, check out my boy from Leesville, WAP100. He's been doing his thing for a long minute and hustles hard. This is one of his older tracks but I was feeling it so I wanted to show him some love on here.

Man, I hope Brother Palmer doesn't read my shit!

And Randall Smith. I hate to think Mr. Randall knows how filthy I sometimes talk. I respect him more than just about any man on this earth. But if he reads this, I hope he kind of ignores the profanity and laughs at me. And he has the best laugh ever!

I still do have a conscious. I try to live right and I won't curse around my daughter or in public on the reg, just in my car while I'm yelling at snatchfaces that can't drive, but I still feel bad about cussing on here and knowing people I really respect like Debbie Smith, Penny Scogin or Mrs. Self might be reading this. But they know me and they know my heart is good and my mouth is bad. I try to tone it down drastically by saying Eff, Effing etc. instead of just Fuck. So I'm trying. And when I flip people off, I use my pinky instead of my middle finger.

TRUE STORY: I used to pretend I was doing stand up comedy in the shower, like how some people sing in the shower, I just tell jokes and pretend everyone is laughing. Then I'd be like, man I can't tell that joke, the whole First Baptist Church will hate me.

Hopefully they realize now that cussing is like tattoos, almost everyone does it. May not be pretty, but it's just something that's so common, it's hard to stop.  And lets face it, some jokes just aren't as funny without saying umm effing. Like Bill Cosby wasn't as funny as Eddie Murphy because, well Eddie Murphy could have never said a cuss word and still been funnier so that's a bad example. But that's a point I'm trying to make. Sometimes bad words add to the emotion of a joke and they are necessary. Whatever I have to tell myself. But at least I don't murder people and sale cocaine on the reg, so I'm doing something right. But when Mariah gets like 13 and she says "Dammit", I'm gonna wash her mouth out with broccoli, cuz she hates that shit. 

Anyway, this one has to be short. Just trying to stay ahead of the game and I have to keep banging these out so my numbers stay up, I get famous, I buy an Escalade. And every pair of Jordans they ever made, even though I stopped rocking them like 3 years ago. Shit, Christmas of 09 I wanted a PS3 and Melissa kept telling me "Ooh, you're gonna love what I got you. You're gonna love what I got you etc." since like November. So I just knew I was getting a PS3!

Got a pair of some fucking throwback Jordans. Oh, they were still tight and they were my favorite ones ever made. 

But I was like, how the eff am I gonna play Madden 10 on these? Plus I bought her like a laptop or something and some jewelry and I'd been dropping hints since like 2007 I wanted a PS3, but she's right. I only play that shit for a week and it's dust. But I was disappointed. I even admitted my disappointment which was a penis move. Normally I'll never look a gift horse in the mouth. But c'mon son. I needed a PS3 and shit. I didn't get my Intenda til the Super Intenda came out. I didn't get a Play Station 1 til like dream cast, Nintendo 64 and probably 4 other games came out. Then I had me a good job in like 02 and got one of the first PS2s. I stayed on Grand Theft Auto for like 6 months, just jacking cars and beating up hookers, and obtaining AK's and just shooting random people. I never even beat the game, nor understood the premise. I just like committing crimes without having to go to court or the pokey. Oh and I'd taunt the Police so I could outrun them. If life was like Grand Theft Auto, I might actually try being a criminal because the Po Po never caught me. Never. 

Then I got bored with it, and I'd create these Super Madden Teams, because like in 02-04 you could create your own player and have 100 percent attributes for all the players you create, meaning you could create the perfect body with 100 percent speed, 100 percent agility, 100 percent intelligence, 100 percent strength etc. I basically created the entire Leesville Wampus Cat team from my Sophomore year(Superdome Team) and made us the Dallas Cowboys. The only difference was instead of me being a back up behind Sigi Milerski at Blood D-End and a back-up Tight End behind Trey Tindoll, I made myself the starting QB and I could run faster than Michael Vick and throw like a fucking Greek God if Greek Gods played football.

Oh and any of y'all Sr's on that Superdome team, remember when I used to have to run the plays in at TE being just a scary ass sophomore on the switch? LOL I probably mis-relayed the plays to J Green at least 35 times. But it all worked out because instead of a 58 sweep to Cecil, it would just be a 59 and he'd still get like 92 yards and a TD. No biggie. One time I think I told Jason a pass play though when it was like 3rd and 1 and luckily he caught my mistake or Danny would have pissed in my helmet and benched me for the rest of the year.

Anyway, back to the video game shit. I ended every game with like 600 rushing yds by myself on like 8 carries and 8 TD's on the ground and then I'd throw for another 2 thousand or so yds to Marcus Thurman, Greg Burns, Xavier Burrell, Jerry Haynes, Jason Self, and Jason Green since he got booted from QB because I was way more talented in that game for some reason. I effing ruled. But it gets boring when you go undefeated and you have a perfect QB rating and the stats get fucked up and stop tracking because you are in the 70 thousands on every category. And I played Corner Back too and had something like 15 picks in one game. I'd play 15 minute quarters and use one controller, I'd switch them for both teams. Like I'd get the other team and throw the ball right to myself while I was playing defense. Then once my stats were one hunned, I'd let Greg Rone and Ced Clemons get like 200 sacks and shit, Sorry Sigi, you kind of got left out because you were at D-End and the ball just really didn't come your way, but even still you had some pro bowl stats by today's standards. Oh and I'd throw these like 128 Y seems to Trey Tindoll and he'd avg like 8 catches for 150 yds and 2-3 TDs. The scores would be ridiculous. I'd even let Mr. All American Special Teamer Charlie Miller return punts for like 108 yds a pop. He had a crazy avg. Like whatever the record for the longest kick off and punt return was, Charlie averaged that number. And for good measure I'd get him like 5,000 sacks. So he was also pro bowl worthy. But yeah, that all got boring and I never touched my PS2 again. That's why Melis won't buy me anymore gaming systems.....til she totally redeemed herself and bought me the old Intenda/Super Intenda and Sega Genesis all in one a few months ago. Cool Story Bro.

Anyway, tonight is a date night. Have to watch Grays Ontonomy and I owe it to her cuz I've been hustlin so hard and going hard in the paint I've been neglecting the love of my life. Can't take that for granted. She's the only reason I'm driven for success anyway. I want her to caress my biceps and tell me how not fat they are while I watch that shitty ass shit show. 


Oh but also about my shitty fucking day. Got up at like 4:20 this morning (and no wake and bake you fucking pot heads) I don't smoke that shit. It makes you grow man tits, or I probably would. Anyway, studied hard. Left like 22 tweets on twitter. 4 facebook status updates(always looking for the lolz) My goal is like 8 comments and 15 likes and I call it a success. Fixed my schedule for next semester which took me just short of a week, then had to go to class all morning, take a test at around noonish, and then do a paper after that for 3+ hours and go see my adviser that thinks I'm a complete tard because I never come prepared, but the jokes on her, because she has to do extra work, I don't have to do shit. And what can she do? Get Mad! that's it. Anyway, I've been pissing blood for like 2 weeks since the kidney stone saga and I've turned anemic. I feel like I guess you could say "very soft like terry cloth", even though I can't fucking stand to use that to describe myself because y'all know how hard I go. I do hard shit. All the time. Always being Gangster, never posing. I see old men at gas stations and mean mug the fuck out of them til they stop looking at me. 

They know whats up. So today, all this shit happens, then the Dr calls and orders some medicine for me at Walgreen's. Like all things that start with Wal, they can fuck up a wet dream. I've never been to the Wal Marks and had a good experience, so why should Wal-Greens be any different. Anyway, this fucking butthole asked me if I wanted a Flu shot and I was like "No, Dick!" except it was more like "um no sir, I think I'm good." But you know the only time I ever got the flu, it was when I got a fucking flu shot, that's when. Anyway,  it only injects you with the flu so that you don't get the flu. Lot of fucking sense that makes. Ima start just injecting mother fuckers with AIDS and Cancer so they won't get AIDS and Cancer. Seems logical enough. 

Oh and this effing Dick Nut bought 14 bottles of sprite in front of me while I'm trying to pay for my medicine. Who the fuck needs 14 2 liter bottles of sprite? And this Pharmtard checking us out didn't think to scan one bottle and multiply it times 14. He just straight scanned each one, then he's like "Whoops, I think I mis-counted, better start over." I had a lot of other negative shit happen today too. It was 44 degrees, raining, had to walk all over campus at every angle. Only when it rains, shit like that happens. So today I'm just hating on everybody. That's all this is about. If HBO reads this, they'll be like, what a fucking jerk off that never takes work off, but baby I got a plan. And Kanye has been going hard lately too. Been listening to his old shit and it keeps me feeling just the right amount of real. Not mad enough to commit road rage on these pecker woods that drive like Keiths Asian wife LC(BOOM!) but mad enough to talk shit and yell at them for no reason. It keeps me balanced. 


Since this blog is basically about nothing and I'm doing it in about 3 minutes. Just gonna throw some important things in here real quick. 

1st: Crystal Trull is mean as the fuck to me lately. Stop Hatin. Thought we were homies. You effing meany! And you get a free shout out in my blog. So be blessed.

2nd: WATCH THESE SHOWS(in no particular order)

How To Make It In America

Workaholics

An American Horror Story

Sons of Anarchy

Not baseball

Hawaii 5-0(that intro song gets me so krunk, makes me want to pistol whip your grandma for real for real)

Tosh is still ok, but he's falling off.

and last but not least....

The Mother Effing Walking Dead. This season has me so intense. I pray the Zombies come out so I can do my thing.

might be forgetting some, but that oughta hold ya, since it's still football season.

   

3rd: SHOWS NOT TO WATCH(in no particular order)

Baseball

Desperate Housewives 

Grays Ontonomy

Ain't gonna lie, kind of glad Jersey Shore is over

Real World San Diego(Vegas was way better, guess cuz we knew a guy on there)

Anything on HGTV

Anything on Food Network

Dancing with the Stars who really aren't stars. Shit, I should dance on there. Kenny Powers follows me on twitter. I'm at least a J-list celeb.  

Keeping it realer than Nick Cannon at a white person talent show. 

 

Peace. Subscribe. Comment. Do you're thing. Much Love. Have a good weekend. If you have a baby, kiss and hug them HARD. And if you have a wife, you better effing watch Grays Ontonomy. And nothing makes your wife more mad than mispronouncing her favorite show on purpose. FACT! 

Oh, and special shout out to my homeboy Jason Self. That picture you took was hilarious and brought back some great memories. Needed that laugh today buddy. Appreciate ya. And the whole "What Red found in old blue really made me LOL for real for real."

Oh, you're not getting a Miller Lite?

Well that's the 2nd unmanly thing you've done today?

what was the 1st thing?

Well you broke into those projects in Huntsville and raped everyone lololol ha ha ha ha ha

So many huge problems I have with Miller Lite being the "Manly" drink. I know some pretty cool dudes that drink it but I also happen to know they don't make fun of their effeminate friends for not drinking it. If you want to do a commercial about some Men being Men, have their ass so drunk that they are doing tequila shots off of fat girls belly buttons and then make fun of their friend that's still drinking Miller Lite. But that's just me. 


OK so enough about my beef with that commercial, oh, but one more thing. I fucking hate how the bartenders are so rude and dick-headish about how they treat the guy like complete shit because he doesn't order a Miller Lite. So fucking what? You're a bar tender, you be nice, you make conversations and you might even flirt a little bit if you want a broke ass like me to tip you. But No! You insult everything about me, turn your nose up at me because I'm wearing a dragon jacket or some sun glasses or some shit. Well fuck you and your tip. Hope you had fun making fun of me because that tip jar is getting zero pesos in that bitch.

In fact, I might even find some drunk ass crack head that's been hitting everyone up in the club all night for some percocets or coke, to just straight rob your tip jar for you being such a dick. I also knew a guy that did this once and it wasn't pretty. The bouncers reacted like the dude was trying to kill the President and beat the horse fuck out of him. He walked over to the tip jar, but he limped back to the Police car. It was good times for us though. Anything that happens after 1:30 at a bar and is remotely interesting is pretty cool to watch in my humble opinion.

So now the story I've been promising all of you. I wrote this on myspace some years ago. I call it "Sherondia's True Hollywood Story!" Some of you will love it. Others will be like "Who the fuck is Eric Dickerson?"...Well a quick description would be to say that he was one of the greatest running backs in the history of the NFL. He doesn't get on one of those shows on the NFL network without being ranked in the top 10, normally 5 or sometimes 3.

You had "Sweetness" aka Walter Payton who in my mind is unquestionably number 1. You have to throw in Emmitt Smith simply because of his durability, the fact he broke Payton's all time rushing record and kicked complete ass on Dancing With The Stars, and some may argue that Dickerson is interchangeable with Emmitt or even throw in Barry Sanders even though his career was so short.. Oh and if you're real old school, you'll say Jim Brown which bumps Dickerson down a bit further. Anyway, the year must have been like 72...........I will now describe the hero of my story!

So Sherondia is one of our cooks in Iraq(Actually head cook, in charge of everybody that cooks anything, including people(just kidding)) . I absolutely loved her. We hit it off so well because we both normally worked night shifts and she was always one of the few people I could talk to while doing security checks or whatever. She always made me empanadas or croissants and would tell me a story. Her husband was a Texas Ranger. Not the weak ass baseball kind, but the Chuck Norris kind. I'll use Trivette because he was blacker than Chuck Norris and kicked just about as much ass. 

He'd kick your ass so hard, let you be in the hospital recovering, then he'd send you a picture of how bad he's gonna kick your ass again once you get out of the hospital. Dude was like 6"4" and his stature would tell you "I'm not to be fucked with!" If he would have been a slave in say the 1700's, slavery probably would have ended a lot sooner. Some people just have that quality. I guess that's why him and Sherondia (Moma Ronda as I called her) were such a good fit for each other. Anyway, she was from the hood in Houston. The real hood. The one Scarface talks about and Bushwick Bill would rob pedestrians for their Jordan's and then resale them to the guy they stole them from the next day for 25% off. They hung out with those dudes with Gangster ass nick names like Killin’ boy, pokey, big joe, go-deal, lil lane.(Song reference, 5 points if you get it right!)

I'm pretty sure the Geto Boys did their first single outside Moma Ronda's house and used her as a muse for bad assness. So one night I had a few coronas and it was kind of an off night and Sherondia was outside doing nothing. Really just bored and waiting for me to come tell me a story. We started talking about football and she was like "Mike, you remember Eric Dickerson?" and I was like "Hell Yes!" She said, "Man, I almost had to kill that bitch one time at a track meet in the 70's." She certainly had my ears at this point. I might be a little fuzzy telling this, because she told me in like 2005 or something like that. Well anyway, while she was in High School, she was at a track meet and Eric Dickerson happened to ask her to get up out of her seat.

She politely told him "Yeah, just give me a second." Then he reiterated, something like "bitch, do you know who I am, get the eff up out my seat!"

And now of course people are watching, some laughing, some waiting on drama, you know how it goes. Sherondia then says ""MOTHA FUCKA, Ima kill yo punk ass!" So without Eric Dickerson even knowing, she just went APE SHIT and stabbed him in the face with her cleats. Not some normal ass baseball cleats, but those original track cleats, with fucking platinum Steele on them and she punctured his face with it. CRAZY. That's whats up.

And normally I am not a gullible dude, but she went off the deep end on Eric Dickerson's "Punk Motha Fuckin ass", and I guess I believe her. I mean usually when I hear bullshit here, it's more like "I really work for the CIA" or "I hate to talk about who I had to kill!" but NOPE, she just told me she kicked Eric Dickerson's ass with a CLEAT. How can you not believe that shit? She also said he just backed away and lost his swagger, and bailed out of the situation asap. It's kind of hard to play that shit off, you probably just want to run to the bathroom and make sure your face is still in tact.

I was like "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, I always just thought he had acne, turns out those were cleat holes all over his face. Then I said, but didn't he wear those thick ass goggles? He should have seen the holocaust happen in 1883, how the fuck could he not see that cleat coming at him at like 90 mph?" And her response was "I was too fuckin fast for him, Mike." LOLOL. God I miss Sherondia. Over the course of about 3 years she told me some great stories. Some I'll never repeat (for her sake), but this one she said I could talk about. He's prob too embarrassed to press charges now like 40 years later anyway. 


So that's about all I got. I've got a shit ton of work to start doing nowish concerning my academic future, and I prob won't come up for air til like Saturday or Sunday(Thank God LSU has a bye week). I'm trying to keep pounding these out so that the big wigs that I'm depending on can see that I can keep coming with the material. I've already corresponded with a few others that I won't name until it's official that we're going back and forth with more than just pleasantries. Some of these guys intimidate the hell out of me, but they are no different than me, except already famous, rich, etc. But I have a perspective that maybe they don't have and that's my only weapon. Also much love for Darnell "B-Lack" Bradley aka Da Poet. Dude hustles hard and in this world it's all we have if we want more. There's nothing left for our generation to inherit, so we have to grab it by the balls.  In the mean time I need all you guys to keep posting these links on your page. The more hits I get, the harder it is for these people to ignore me and think I can't obtain an audience. It's a little late in the game for me to go to school for this particular thing, so I'm gonna have to be discovered the old fashioned way.  Please subscribe and keep doing what your doing. I can't stress enough how much I appreciate your support. So help me now, or I might be your nurse and I can't start an IV for shit. When, NOT if my life long dream comes true, I will not forget any of you. FACT! Love all you guys. Everyone on my facebook list I consider more than a friend. Everyone of you I have a unique experience with that we shared a good laugh or maybe even a good cry, but mostly laughs. Please know that.

Keeping it realer than Justin Brown slanging y'all cars like he's Don Ready and winning those salesman of the month trophies like he's Zig Ziegler. Everyday He's Hustlin!

Everyday I'm Hustlin

You have no idea how hard. But it's more than your Grandpa, that's for sure. But maybe not as much as Rick Ross. That dude hustles pretty hard. Hard ass hustling if you will. It's hard to hustle as hard as that gentleman does.

Now play this krunk ass song and read my shit. It makes reading it better when you feel like jigalatin and thinking to yourself that you too in fact, are hustlin everyday.

REAL TALK:
Am I a dreamer? Yessir. I dream all the time. First thing I do before falling asleep is pray for all of my people. I mostly just pray for God to watch over my wife and daughter, and everyone else that's important (family and friends which = a shit ton) to me. That list takes like 25 minutes to run through but it's all good because I love my people. I then thank God for now. For allowing me to have made it this far in my life, because only he knows how many times I literally just gave up in a situation, where I honestly thought this was it for me and told him "Oh God, please take me with you in your arms and let my journey be fearless and easy as I cross over." I think maybe at least 5 times I just accepted my fate that this will be my last minute on this earth BUT it never happened. I thank him for learning to live for more than myself. Then I get to the greedy stuff, the stuff that I almost feel guilty for praying for. But I ask him, can you please shine a light on me tomorrow. Can you let something that I'm good at, be noticed by others. Can you help me find an opportunity to do what I love as far as labor is concerned. Because I've had some SHIT jobs. And a lot of them. I learned a few years ago that I have to start working smarter instead of harder, that's why I'm back at school and hoping to obtain a degree that will allow me to last physically longer than my Dad who worked his ass off and broke his back for his family, or my mom who went to work sick for years, even with Breast Cancer so that she could make it long enough to retire and reap some of the benefits (although not all that fantastic) that she deserves. I pray, NO , Beg...."God, please let me do something I love doing the rest of my life and let it be something that allows me to take care of my family and possibly others that are less fortunate." It's a lot to ask for considering I have so much more than a lot of people. And I also ask that even though my dream is something that some may view as umm 'Anti-Christian", I can still get some points across and the love I have for God is never in question. I think we live in a different time and messages have to be real and relative to what we are facing in the world. So I wake up everyday with this attitude that I'm a sponge. I take in every idea and observe everything and everybody and hope to turn it into something not only humorous, but for it to have an underlying effect that may grant someone else some wisdom inadvertently, and possibly a stroke of faith that will carry them through a tough time. I'm a Christian, but I respect Muslims. I worked with thousands of them and one of my favorite verses from the Qur'an goes something like, "He deserves paradise, who makes his companions laugh." I also believe Jesus to be a man that's not only perfect, but someone that appreciates those of us doing good in the world. I think he smiles when we make another human laugh uncontrollably. So I pray to God every night, to let me be that guy. Let me help change this world by making us all laugh a little bit. Like my best friend Trent...Who I know probably walks besides Jesus because they had a lot in common other than Trent drinking too much, but they both had the purest of hearts. And I sometimes vision Trent and Jesus hanging out on a beach somewhere and Jesus laughing at one of Trent's stories(hopefully telling Jesus about something funny I did, that would rule), even though he already saw it first hand. I feel in my heart, that Jesus wanted Trent early, so that he could hang out with him and admire one of his greatest creations.

OK, so today I almost got pelayed by an effing guy driving a Kia Spectra. I honestly believe if the Kia Spectra would have hit me, it prob would have totaled his car and I would have had a few scratches. But this fucking butt hole honked at me while I was using the crosswalk. Following rules and shit which I never used to do. I'm trying to do the right thing buddy and you fucking honk at me. So instead of it instilling a sense of urgency in me, I just completely stopped what I was doing in the middle of the road and started tying my shoe. In fact, it was already tied, so I untied it and tied it again, then I limped like Jay Cuttler in the 2011 NFCCG the rest of the way.

I used to be such a hot head that had he honked at me say in 1997, I would have jumped on the hood of his car like Mr. Furious from "Mystery Men" and beat the living horse fuck out of his Spectra. 

But.....never mind. I'm not violent and angry(as much) like I used to be. That and I'm already facing one strike for a previous Jaywalking ticket I got a few weeks go. This made me think about what it would be like if I had to go to prison?

So here's a Pro/Con list of what might happen if I ever have to go to the pokey. 

PROS: 
1.) I have a shit ton of tattoos, shaved head, goatee and an overall intimidating look.

 So yeah, maybe I'm not as ripped now at 32 as I was at 29...but Prison would allow me more time in the gym. So yeah.


2.) I have tough skin because I used to get in more fights than Shia LaBeouf.(I'd say my record was like 90-300)

Oh, I got my ass whooped a lot, but I always liked to fight people I didn't think I could beat. One time I got into a fight with Andrew Maggio when I was a freshman in HS and he was a graduating Sr with a full ride to McNeese State (he looks like that dude Dalip Singh from "The Longest Yard")

but he had me on the ground sitting Indian Style banging me on the head like it was a fucking bongo drum. It didn't really hurt me that bad, but it did break his hand so I kind of feel like I won the fight.

3.) Oh, that's about it. I'm pretty much effed in the B-hole, or I'd die trying not to be.  


CONS:
1.) Can't see my family, I'd miss my wife and daughter like crazy. Couldn't even imagine that.
2.) I'm not racist although I do tend to hate white people that act black.

I don't hate them but they annoy the piss out of me. That's so 90's. Now a days you can be yourself. Look at Eminem. He has more street cred than any cracker in the world and he is just himself. Black people respect white people that act normal and still appreciate the great things the African Americans have contributed to our society that are considered "Hip" by today's standards. You can listen to rap, and behind closed doors, day dream that you are a hustler running your block, packing a .380 on your hip and have the homeys paying you dividends on the dime bags they are all selling for you...

but then you need to wake the eff up, put on your KFC uniform and turn your hat back to the front and keep it real with yourself. Don't keep it too real, just keep it the perfect amount of real for your ass.

People respect that. And black people make fun of you when you imitate them because you suck at it and you make them sound ignorant, the ultimate insult. The black dudes in my circle are very bright, super educated individuals and you look like a joke to them. Even some of the best black people impersonators I've seen, are still doing it wrong. Just be who you are. Off topic, but good lesson.

3.)  My next point(still concerning race) I don't hate any race. But I'm probably gonna have to get a fucking Nazi sign tatted on my neck so that the BGF's 

 or the Nortenos or Surenos don't carve me up like a pumpkin. And what kind of shit is it where we have 2 groups of Mexicans in the system fighting for turf. The Nortenos are the Northern Mexicans and they are all Yankees. Very rude people like New Yorkers. And the Surenos are the Southern Mexicans, they are more polite and will invite you over for a glass of ice tea and they all speak to you in public instead of ignoring you like the Nortenos. So maybe I can get a tan and join the Surenos.

Then you have the Asian gangs and since my wife is Pacific Islander, they may give me a pass, or possibly kill me for marrying one of their own. Oh and then I'm fucked again, so now I can't even join the Nazi's or Aryan Brotherhood because I married outside my race. Holy Shit I'm doomed. My best bet would be to befriend a guy in a wheel chair like Augustus Hill from Oz, or maybe since I have Irish roots, I could tattoo more shamrocks and shit on my back and pretend I'm IRA.

4.) Yeah, I could do all of that, but I'm still getting effed in the B. There is no way around it. I fancy myself a warrior, but I don't like prison rules. I think they are unfair that you have to pick a gang based on race instead of things you might have in common. Why can't they have a prison gang that's all about Fantasy Football? Or a gang that likes to have ping  pong tournaments on the reg and they don't kill you for losing, like we used to try to do in Iraq when we lost at table tennis. Why can't they have a gang of regular people like myself that would rather just sit around and tell jokes and make fun of the dudes that dress like hoes and have kool aid for lipstick.

Why can't we just have Madden tournaments, stuff like that?

ALL I KNOW IS THIS THOUGH!

I once went on a tour of the Angola prison for a criminal justice class I was taking at Northwestern back in 99/2000 and while we were there, they were having some discrepancies or a "RIOT" if you will. Anyway, behind some glass there was a man with a balled up wad of his own feces (scientific word for SHIT!) looking one of my friends in the eye (He swears he was looking at me, but I'm way too hard for him to try to punk me) and he told him and I quote: "He would tie his dick to the back of his neck and rub hot sauce on his pussy!" That has absolutely got to be the most barbaric, gay terrorist statement I have ever heard in my life. That's the shit that makes us white dudes not want to go to prison. And the dude looked like Damian OG Triple OG.

Because we know 3 things can happen. We either get shanked or killed the first day because we don't give up our cornbread (or if you're like me, you'll stand up for yourself and get your intestines beat out of you.), we'll become such a bitch where we have to wear make-up and sit down to pee in those nasty ass toilets and eventually hang ourselves with the dirty ass sheets from our bed, or 3, we'll catch a knife in the back because someone blamed us for snitching when all we did was tell the guard that some Cholo named "little joker" or "Smiley" might have stabbed one of his homeys with a box cutter. 

I'd like to think I'd become this Super Bad Ass, that would adapt and overcome (maybe like Andy Dufresne)

And in a lot of cases in this world, I would do just that. But Prison isn't one of them. I have enough sense to know I'm not built for it. So you won't catch me Jaywalking anymore, shit, you won't even catch me littering my gum in the grass once it looses it's flavor. But I'll still talk like a bad ass and tell people that if I had to go, I'd start my own gang and probably be running cell block 4 with MC Gusto.

In my next blog, I will be discussing shit that confuses the hell out of me, and I'll tell the awesome story of how a lady cook that worked on our FOB in Iraq, stabbed NFL Great and Hall of Famer Eric Dickerson in the face with a track shoe, at a track meet in Texas in the early 70's I believe. It was so money. 

Til then, just keeping it realer than your sister who snorts 30mg Roxies on the reg and tells your mom that she needs 25 dollars to get her nails done. And we're gonna see this chick on scared straight on A&E talkin bout "Fuck you guard, you can't physically touch me. Whateva, I do what I won't!" 

   

OK, this is a throwback from my time in Iraq...

"The speakers on bump, the rappers on acne,
This track is what would happen if the rastas meet the mathletes,
Yessir, then the Chess Club got dressed up, straightened up the sheets,
And went and took all the bitches.... of the athletes,"--Lupe Fiasco 

Chess is the best game ever besides football, OK. My first year in Iraq in like early to mid 2004, I had shit. We had to wait in line for days to use the phone and call home (which I really didn't miss) but I did have the intrawebz. The negatives though, was that I had not the first effing clue on how to use the internet. I never had an e-mail. I thought computers were for nerds. I didn't play on computers back then, I just screwed girls and stuff. BUT then I slowly got addicted and have turned into the monster that I am today where I can't live 45 seconds without a computer. Anyway, in those beginning phases, I set myself up a yahoo e-mail account, learned how to play fantasy football, and then spent like 2-10 hours every night playing chess on-line. I absolutely loved Chess. Some of the best players in the world lived in our palace. We had Gary from San Diego who could have been a nuclear physicist, but I guess such simple academics were just too boring for him, so he was in charge of an Iraqi work crew instead. We had an Iranian guy named Asghar(who was a U.S. Citizen that owned a gas station in a hood in Houston, so he was in Baghdad on vacation), and we had this Filipino gentleman named Roel Mann, that was very good in his own right, but would come in every morning at like 3:30 am and catch me on line and he'd say in his thick Filipino accent "Ahhh, sooooo who do u tink u are sir Mike, Bobey Pisher) because real ass Filipinos that are actually born and raised in the Philippines can't pronounce "F." F becomes P. My right hand man Jay Aso (Aso is dog in Tagalog, and he was just that, a freakin pitt bull)  who was the enforcer for the Filipino mafia would always tell the other Filipinos "Shut the Puck Or!" translated "Shut the fuck up"....anyway I'm digressing. I wasn't on Gary, Asghar or Roel's levels so I'd just play chess all night on Yahoo. Eventually I got pretty good and I would play with those guys ever so often and learn tricks and use them on the intrawebz. 

For the longest time I'd play this little Russian fucker that had to be 10 or 11 and he called himself "Snizzle." Dude was a beast. He was ranked in like the 1800's+ and I was maybe a 1450 at the time(the higher the number the better, not like Golf). Between us, we both had logged over 3000 matches. Well this one particular night Snizzle didn't show up. I waited on his punk ass from like 8pm until at least midnight. I then decided I would just play this turd that was ranked in the 1100's and make the best of it. In a way Tonight I had arguably the best opponent I could ask for because they were ridiculously sorry and had no skills in trash talking.  I thought maybe this would be a great opportunity to do a study in human behavior.  Also some people I worked with liked reading the conversations I had during my chess games, first thing in the morning, so I would always save the conversations from the messenger.  It teaches you new and innovative ways to talk shit and that is a dying skill that coaches just aren't teaching our youngsters now-a-days.

Here is the conversation I had with a fella that calls himself "J-Solo" on the messenger. If you think I am an asshole, just remember I am not like this in real life I just do it on the computer because there is no risk of getting beat up or detained by the police. And I'm guessing J-Solo was like a 20 something year old asshole anyway (Puhlease, dude is ranked like Ole Miss in the Chess World and he wanted to get froggy and assumed he'd beat me lolololol)

OK so I'm mike_hicks_83 and he's J-Solo. I think maybe he was Mexican and he wanted to be like Han Solo, but since he was from south of the border his name was Juan Solo. Also keep in mind the conversation is authentic and there are no spelling or grammatical corrections.

mike_hicks_83: How are you?

mike_hicks_83: Hows it going?

mike_hicks_83: So whats up buddy?

mike_hicks_83: So uhh, how are you?

j_solo: fine

mike_hicks_83: Not very talkative are you?

j_solo: i am not hre to talk i am here to win

mike_hicks_83: ut oh Look out now

mike_hicks_83: But according to your profile you are terrible.  When is the last time you won?

j_solo: none of your businees

mike_hicks_83: and how old are you?

j_solo:  Why u want 2 know?

mike_hicks_83: Because I am hoping you are younger than 14 with a response like "none of your business." And just so you know Snizzle rules. he could kick ur ass

mike_hicks_83: Pretty quiet.  So you don't love me anymore?

j_solo: what r u talking about? who is snizzel?
mike_hicks_83: I'm talking about my man Snizzle. And the fact that our relationship isn't what it once was between me and you.
mike_hicks_83: and some say that snizzle is really Man Bear Pig! but i'm not buying it.

mike_hicks_83: And please never use the letters r or u to ask me something again.

mike_hicks_83:  I hate you

j_solo: fuck u

mike_hicks_83:  WHOAA very rude. I hope you don't kiss your boyfriend with that mouth

mike_hicks_83: shouldn't have done that.  I got your queen bitch

j_solo: no u dont

mike_hicks_83: BAM, what now bitch.  I told ya.

j_solo: screw you. how old r u anyway because you act like u r 12

mike_hicks_83: I am 26 and I'm an OG. Rolling 60 Crip. But I also joined a mexican gang called the El Quapos.Now since I am honest how old are you?

j_solo: 19

mike_hicks_83: WOW, you are 19 and this stupid.  Mind if I ask where you are from? wait let me guess, West Virginia. No, Mississippi. Wait, yeah, west virginia.

j_solo:  you r a real asshole.

mike_hicks_83:  what did I tell you about that shit

mike_hicks_83: thats why you don[t have any friends and you are at home playing chess on a Friday night.

j_solo: its not even night time yet retard and whut r u doing? friday night for u too

mike_hicks_83: I know, but I'm in jail in Angola and I don't get out til tomorrow morning for good behavior

j_solo: wtfrutb where ru

mike_hicks_83: uhhhh what the fuck is all of that jiberish

mike_hicks_83: I am from the country I don't speak that shit

j_solo: what the fuck are youtalking about

mike_hicks_83: I bet you look like that girl from Dodgeball, not Christine Taylor but the ugly one. I'd still hit.

 j_solo: whoaa im not even a girl dumb fuck

mike_hicks_83: I never said you were, I just said I bet you look like that ugly girl from dodgeball. You don't have to be a girl to look like one.  Look at Freddy Mercury from Queen

j_solo: well u lost me there  jus stop talkn

mike_hicks_83: I figured I would, it's because you lack a normal level of intelligence and I hope you feel good about yourself now

mike_hicks_83: u there

j_solo: ueah

j_solo: Yeah

j_solo: feel god about what

mike_hicks_83: about wasting my fucking time thats what.  I can't believe they let people like you go home on weekends, they should have you on chains in a basement or something.

mike_hicks_83: so why are you quiet again. You can't win you might as well forfeit. 2 more moves and you are finished you bitch you!

j_solo: u suck

mike_hicks_83: Good one. Very original comeback. Ur a quick one

mike_hicks_83: it's been 4 minutes, make a fucking move ass sniffer

j_solo: u r probbly a queer thats why you r talking sodenm much

mike_hicks_83: will you listen to yourself, just read what you wrote.  I was only joking about you being a retard but now I'm not sure. I might actually go to hell for calling you tarded because you mite be legit

mike_hicks_83: so tell me the truth

mike_hicks_83: won't be long now

j_solo: truth boutu twhat

mike_hicks_83: you know, just tell me, I promise I will keep it a secret.

mike_hicks_83:  Bad move ass wipe, you really suck.  at least say something witty. Like Snizzle would. I miss Snizzle. Snizzle would make you sit down to pee, that's for sure

j_solo: well if u r so good whats takin u so long to finish me
mike_hicks_83: what is this, mortal kombat? finish you?

mike_hicks_83: I feel like I am just getting to know you and maybe I can take you out or something

j_solo: im not gay u pervert

mike_hicks_83: easy man, I'm not gay neither but I like to try new things

mike_hicks_83: maybe if you send me a picture or something, i will send you one of me

j_solo: I don't wnat a pictre of u

mike_hicks_83: but I am very sexy

mike_hicks_83: ok it's been real. You are a horrible excuse for a human being and I am in the CIA and I have your myspace account password and I am telling all of your friends you are gay and tried to meet me tonight.  Later bitch.

 j_solo: no u odn't u are prob a fucing 15 yr old loser from north dakota

mike_hicks_83: Way off buddy, I'm from South Dakota. So are you saying you want to play again because if you beat me I won't tell all your friends how gay you are.

j_solo: if u ar really cia you would alredy know who i am and not ask questions like that

mike_hicks_83: well I can't fool you can I. Damn you are a sly one.  Really I am an out of work actor but I used to be on Miami Vice in the 80s

mike_hicks_83: hurry up, i don't have all day

mike_hicks_83: Im going to go take a piss and then make me a ham sammich then I will come back and beat you in 2 moves. Just after I finish wrapping up my r. kelley video

 j_solo: go

j_solo: hurry up I dn't have all day

mike_hicks_83: Fuck You don't tell me what to do, i told you I had to go take a piss and make a sandwich. A video and when I was pissing, I had to shake it 5 times instead of 2. shit happens. you should know that. look in the mirror

j_solo: i bet your mom must be proud

mike_hicks_83: i bet your mom is a bull dyke that donates sperm to gorillas on weekends.  she probably looks like the baby of Whoopi Goldberg and Kenny Rogers.

j_solo: fuck you

mike_hicks_83: again, nice comeback, and I don't appreciate your vulgar language, I'm trying to play an honorable game here and I don't need you talking so filthy.

mike_hicks_83: I think maybe we need some time apart.

mike_hicks_83: I just feel like this relationship isnt going anywhere and maybe we should see other people.

j_solo: ur a dujmbass

mike_hicks_83: Whats a dujmbass, is that like a fish or something?

mike_hicks_83: uhh I caught you a delicious Dujm Bass!

j_solo: just hurry up and go ur startn to annoy me

mike_hicks_83:  Nope, I'm going to take my time. If you don't like it you can quit.

mike_hicks_83: Say you're sorry

mike_hicks_83: If you don't apologize I am breaking up with you.

mike_hicks_83: OK nice game.  Good Luck with that Gay Porno thing and maybe we can do this again.

 j_solo: I'll never play with u again. ur an huge asshole and ur not even that good.
mike_hicks_83: You know what, I am good, and ur a lousy kindergarten teacher, I seen those finger paintings you bring home and they suck.

mike_hicks_83: I'm sorry baby I think they're excellent finger paintins.

mike_hicks_83: hello? dammnit. I miss Snizzle.

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