I Run Fast and Go Hard. So buy me an Audi, Bitch!

When I was getting recruited HARD by DeVry and ITT Tech my Junior and Senior years of high school in the late 90's, they had this booster named Lil Zachary that offered to buy me some Converse High-Tops with the star on the tongue, and 2 for 1 tickets at Blockbuster anytime I wanted to go. But I turned that bitch down, because I'm classier than you. 

So "Lil Luke" spent the last year rigging "Da U" up with IED's and yesterday set them all off simultaneously. That's slang for, "The University of Miami is Fucked!" A lot of college football fans seem to be happy about this, they are hating on the swagger. BUT, if they hate Florida and don't want to see Florida State dominate again, they better hold up on the pointing and laughing for a while, because if Miami gets decapitated, that's gonna open up the flood gates in the 305 for the Gators and FSU.

We'll probably watch both schools go on to dominate the rest of the next decade or so. Even schools like Central Florida which have already been on the come-up in recent years will step to that next level with the 5 or 6 remaining studs coming out of South Florida that UF and FSU passes up. I don't really see anything good about Miami getting the death penalty. Whats even worse is I know for a fact that every major college program has a "Lil Luke" catering to the elite stars coming in. Maybe not to that extreme, but one would have to be very naive to think it never happens at "Your School"! There is no simple or quick solution to this problem, but in the last 8 months or so, we've watched 2 powerhouses brought to their knees(tOSU/Miami) and with today's mass media and hungry sportswriters wanting to drop the next bomb so they can get their shine on Sportscenter, no one is safe. Shit, I was thinking yesterdays story was gonna end up being about Auburn or more possible violations by Ohio State when Yahoo announced a while back that they would eventually drop the biggest sports story of the summer. I had no idea Miami would be implicated. But now we have USC in the shitter(which doesn't really bother me all that much), Ohio State and Miami....AND Oregon is on the ledge right now too. If these powerhouses keep dropping, who is gonna give a shit about College Football. If LSU wins a National Championship in the coming years while 15 of the best schools in the country are on probation or perma-banned, how terrible will that feel? It's like being the slowest runner in the 100 at the Olympics, but winning because the other 7 people got scratched for a false start. Yeah you won, but you know it's not because you should have.

THE SOLUTION 

There really isn't one. But in my humble opinion do this. 1.) Keep track of the jersey sales for individual college players. Most superstars of a respected program sell the most "numbered" jerseys. For every jersey that gets sold, give them a dime or something. Maybe 14 cents, I don't know. But they should be paid for the exploitation. This will take care of the real star attractions that are feeling like they are "owed" money, and rightfully so. Only about 5-8 guys will have their Numbers on sale at Champs anyway, those are the ones that are pretty much shoe-ins for the NFL. Pay them what you are making off of them. If 80,000 fans buy Andrew Luck's jersey, he should get paid about 8-10 G's. Now he's on full scholarship and he's getting almost 10 thousand extra dollars to help take care of his family(if he has one) and buy extra groceries. The 2nd tier players that are important to the programs success but not necessarily stars should get a huge increase in allowance and again, any percentage of money being made off of them as an individual, by the University. Every player should get an allowance based on their family needs, for example, if player A has 3 kids already and he's a major contributor to your defense, he should get at least $1,000 dollars per kid as an allowance, another(lets say 2 million for a wife to keep that bitch happy, naw, just playing) but another couple of thousand to keep the family afloat. It should also go by contributing factors i.e. a starter should get a little more than a non starter. I mean, it's a cruel world, but winners tend to make more money. What better place to learn that than college.

If you are giving the Big Timers enough of an allowance to get by, this stops the argument that they are just broke college kids starving to death. Then the shitty players won't really be affected because Lil Luke ain't trying to buy Rudy a new car.

NO, this may not stop the illegal benefits completely, but what it will do is not make the NCAA and the Universities look like such greedy assholes, and give them a reason to drop the hammer when bitches act up like Miami just did. Regardless of what you think, it's not fair to pay a Cam Newton the same amount as you pay Cam Johnson(who is Cam Johnson? Exactly!) Most players know where they fit in and know their value. Also throw in some stipulations like you do in the NFL and fine them when they fuck up. College is all about preparing you for the next level, right? Why not make the experience a little more real, especially when you are living fat because you got the best studs to come to your school in 2011. Pay those studs their monies, it really only comes down to decimal points as far as taking money out of the Boss's pockets. If you pay every player on your team $10,000 plus the full scholarship, you are only talking about an extra 1.4 million a year or so. You make that selling hot dogs or gumbo in the pregame. AND you really don't have to pay everyone 10G's, only the studs that are gonna get it one way or the other.

I could go on all day about this, but I'm not trying to write a book like Yahoo did yesterday about Miami! 

Peace, and hook me up with some Heat tickets, court side because I hit way harder than you. 


DISCLAIMER: Andrew Luck doesn't really need 10 G's, dude is rich already, but I used him because he's a beast!

Seems like every time I see this dude, the damn guy is shuffling.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that every day he shuffles. 


If there is one thing I know, it's definitely shuffling. Sometimes you just have to shuffle, I don't know. But it's important that you shuffle properly. Maybe perhaps consult your physician before starting any new shuffling programs.

Anyway, yesterday was a terribly shitty day. In retrospect it wasn't even all that bad once you put it all in perspective, but every crisis seems like the apocalypse while it's happening. Mariah has been breaking out with what looks like chicken pox or something. We just got her vaccine for that about a month ago. The Doctor we take her to is a complete idiot(I won't use "Retard" this time, because he may be a legit retard and I'll go to hell for saying that) I don't know why we still use him, I guess because I hate change maybe? But I think we're gonna start yellow paging new Pediatric guys. This dude always gives us a lecture the first 10 minutes of the visit and makes sure we know how to use a car seat, makes sure that we don't keep any loaded weapons in the house that aren't locked up and he stresses the next 10 minutes how important it is that children DO NOT JUMP ON TRAMPOLINES! He's done this same shtick since Mariah was like 5 months old. I looked him in the eye before Mariah could even crawl and told him "I promise I won't let her jump on a trampoline when we get her home!"...So he usually spends 20 or more minutes telling me and Melissa how to be a parent that doesn't put their babies in the oven for time out, or feed them their own shit for breakfast, then he looks at Mariah for 2 seconds and says "Oh, she looks ok." Yesterday I was very concerned about why my daughter looks like Freddy Krueger from the waist down, and he was all like "Oh, umm I'm not sure, let me go check something on the internet real fast"................brings me to the rest of my story.

About 6 days from today, I start back to school. I'm not bragging but last semester I copped a 4 pernt O. Wait, I am bragging actually. It's a good and a bad thing though. It's good because it was a 4.0, it's bad because it's just another indicator of how fucking lazy I've been most of my life. I mean you absolutely have to challenge me or you'll get no response. Tell me I'm slow and I'll do like 200 sprints every day until I get your respect, tell me I'm getting fat and I'll go on a zero calorie diet for 3 months until I look like Skeletor. But I really have to feel challenged. You can't just walk up to me and be like "lol you got fat lol" or I'll just tell you to go Eff yourself. But you have to really make it hurt, you have to say "Damn Mike, you got fat as shit!" That's how I respond to criticism. I just go into my room and quietly make a plan not to see you ever again, until I'm skinnier than you. Same with school. Someone I was talking to a while back was asking me what I was going back to school for etc.., and they said "what was your GPA the last time you were in school?" After I told them they made me feel legitimately retarded(Like our doctor). So I challenged myself to 4-point-Oh that bitch. So now I guess I'm just asking one of you to call me an idiot again so that I can repeat the cycle.

Anyway, I'm changing my major. I'm gonna get in the medical field because there is way more job security in medicine than there is in teaching(which is pretty sad). But I can be a shitty Nurse or Doctor and stay employed way longer than if I'm a bad teacher or better yet, a terrible coach. If you want to coach you get zero margin for error and you'll be pink slipped by Saturday afternoon if you lose on Friday night. But you can kill like 14 people in a hospital and get probation and 2 weeks paid leave while they blame someone else for you killing everyone. It's damn near fool proof. Plus I grew up in a hospital. My dad was on his death bed since I was like 10 and a half. He just always bounced back, like one of those Japanese fighting fish, you'll come home and find them out of the bowl for God knows how long, and scoop them up, throw them back in the water and they'll start doing back flips and shit. That's my dad. But I learned a lot just by default. I could probably pass a college level medical terminology class when I was 13. One time when I was in Iraq with a kidney stone, I had to give myself an IV because this fucking butt hole tried and missed like 17 times. I think it might just be one of those things I have a knack for so I'm gonna pursue it. Maybe one day you'll get real sick and I'll take out your pancreas instead of your appendix and be like "Whoops, see you in 2 weeks homes!"

If you can use Google, you can be a doctor. Mariah will be fine, it just sucks seeing your babies miserable. Also God is always listening, just thought I'd throw that out there. Yesterday a lot of things were going on(not just with my baby girl) and as a man, you want to feel like you have it all under control. The fact is none of us really do. Sometimes you have to humble yourself and ask God to help you out. Not trying to get too religious here or anything, but Jesus died next to a thug on the cross and since he(the Gangster) believed, he got into heaven. So if some of y'all are feeling like complete shit this week or anytime really, don't forget you haven't done anything in your life that God won't forgive you for and take on some of your pain. 

Next one won't be so serious. I just do this like once a week or so. More LOLz to come....later.

If a girl is still wearing a "Dora the Explorer" back pack. She's too young for you bro!

And I know the guy that shot Bin Laden better than you do. He drives a 1993 Cutlass Supreme and has a tight fade. He never puts neosporin on his war wounds either. His grandma is way harder than any of yours.

I swear man, people always have to one up you. You tell them you got a Christmas bonus, and they'll tell you they got a trip to Hawaii instead. Their joke is always funnier before church too. You know why? Because you are trying to show respect and you tell a joke without curse words and they go and drop the F-bomb just before it's time to be seated. And the whole time during the sermon they're staring at you with that look like "you can't top that bitch!". You like your beat down low, they like their beat down lower. Top let back? Oh, he did that before you, homie. And I'll be honest, there are people that love to one up you and do it all the time, but all of us try to one up each other at one time or another in our life. Pretty much everyday I try to one up your facebook status. So now you know!

Jersey Shore is getting pretty terrible now. I knew it had to lose it's magic eventually so I'm not real disappointed. Single Ronnie was pretty funny for like 5 minutes, now I just feel bad for him. Trust me, when dudes are built like him, they get extra sweaty and their breath smells terrible after they get on that sauce for more than about 2 hours. Last night it looked like he came home from the club and started smashing some poultry products that were half cooked and tried to kill the salmonella bacteria with some balsamic vinegar.(but I mean, I used to throw eggs in the microwave with no plate or anything and cook them for 12 seconds when I'd get home from Las Margaritas at like 2:20 am, so I see where he's coming from)...but he's a terrible, sloppy drunk. You'd think Sammi would be turned off by that, but instead she's trying to get between him and his chicken the entire time while he's slobbering balsamic vinegar all over the side of his left cheek like a fucking zombie in the middle of a feeding frenzy the first 10 minutes of the Zombie Apocalypse. 

Disgusting. Also I hate how he pronounces "Snookie" and calls her "Shhnookie". There's no H in there and if there was, it would be silent this particular time. Overall I like Ronnie though. But pretty much I only watch Jersey Shore now to hear Pauly D say funny shit. Also I love watching Vinnie follow Pauly D around like a puppy. Vinnie is such a poser. I remember when he showed up in Miami with a brand new tat(straight out of the front of the tribal arm-band book at the tattoo parlor, he just saw the picture and was like "I gotz to get that one broski!"), so I enjoy watching him be a follower every episode. That's about it. No way they squeeze another year out of this. Give Pauly D his show and let him shine solo. Do the right thing MTV. Doing the right things are always important. 

Have a good weekend. I'm about to take my family to the water park and get pissed on by like 200 people at the same time, and pretty much hate on everyone that walks past me thinking to myself "He's got man-titayyys or his beer gut is like 4 lbs heavier than mine lolz". One of you are reading this saying to yourself "200? I got 300 golden showers just yesterday!" Also, if you want to stay one-upped on the reg, just keep posting on your respective "You know you're from somewhere if you remember doing this shit....???" on facebook. Oh, remember the piggly wiggly? "Yeah bitch! except I remember it better!" 

You never wash your swim trunks and towel after you go swimming. You just hang them up over the shower til the next time. And I do it better!

Uh, Hi! My name is CT and I'm here to kill you!

Just sitting here at the Wal-Marks having some work done on my Impala. I'm actually having some 20 inch blades put on and while they're doing that I'm having my oil filter changed and probably some CD's stolen. Either that or they're laughing at me because I still have CD's in my car. Anyway, I'm just sitting here wondering if the rest of the world is as pissed off as I am that we have to wait another week to see CT murder Johnny Bananas and Tyler in the Jungle. 

QUICK FUN FACT: When Axel Rose wrote "Welcome to the Jungle" back in like 1986, he was smoking sherms and having a vision of CT committing a hate crime on Johnny Bananas and Tyler in the year 2011 in a jungle in South America. It was what truly inspired him to write one of the best rock songs ever written. That's why the beat goes so hard and also why it makes you want to pistol whip your grandma when you listen to it. 

OK, so here goes a quick assessment of the respective teams and predictions for the last 2 episodes of the Real World/Road Rules RIVALS Challenge 2011 aka "The Jungle!"

GIRLS......

Evelyn/Paula: Straight Beasts! Clearly the frontrunners for the females. Won the last 2 challenges for the females etc. I did think Paula was part dude until she bitched up last night and started helping that Leprechaun Wes gang bang Cara Maria. I did LOL when Wes poured the Coke on her, but thought it was a bitch move when Paula jumped in for apparently no reason. It's like when 2 great whites have to attack a wounded dolphin. One shark was more than enough. It's called overkill. Brings me to..........

Cara Maria/Laurel: I thought Paula was part man, I know for a fact Laurel is. I was praying for her to go toe to toe with Wes last night. We have Laurel in one corner at about 6"5" 220 and Wes in the other at like 5"2" 175. It would have been good times. Cara Maria really bores me with her negativity. Always being picked on, "everybody hates me nobody loves me blah blah blah"(read that last sentence to yourself in the Eor from Winnie the Pooh voice). But yeah, I do feel bad for her now. She's been the whipping boy for too long and props to Laurel for finally getting Roid Rage and stepping up for her pardner. I got them ranked just slightly behind Ev and Paula. Mostly because Cara Maria is like 140 lbs of dead weight. 

Jenn/Mandi: I Saw Jenn getting an IV for next weeks episode, so I'm guessing they're done since Mandi is ridiculously terrible. True Story: The first few weeks I was watching the challenge I was just assuming that Mandi was Heidi from "The Hills", then I realized "hey, the hills aren't a real world show and that's def not her." I'm a tard. But in my defense, she certainly does look like Heidi and she's about as useless. I do know that if Jenn asked Adam to marry her right now, he'd leave CT and Kenny/Wes would win by default. If "Da Mob" really wants to make a play, that's what they'd do. 

THE GUYS..........

CT/Adam: My favorite tandem from the jump. True rivals. A lot of these people aren't enemies, but Adam came into the show hating CT like I do Alabama. And I can relate to CT because I guess you could say we both have short fuses and he lost someone really close to him just before he almost killed Adam in the first 5 minutes of a challenge about 3 years ago. When you lose a brother or a best friend, you lose an outlet and a place you can go to vent. A lot of that anger will build up and eventually you just want to start smashing peoples heads. You might even catch yourself opening your car door and walking towards a vehicle at the green light in front of you with a handicapped sticker, trying to kick in their windows because, you know, IT'S A GREEN FUCKING LIGHT and they are still sitting there, not moving. The slightest things can set you off. Well CT seems to be in a happy place now and having a lot of fun intimidating the hell out of the competition. I think I once compared it to "The Lion King" and CT is Mufassa and everyone else are the Hyenas voiced by Whoopi Gholdberg. 

I also hate how MTV always does this cliffhanger shit within the last 3 episodes. Last week they showed CT pretty much gay bashing Tyler and Johnny Bananas, simultaneously. It appeared that both of them are now dead and MTV wants us to wait another week for a confirmation. GOD I hope when we actually do see it, CT will go Alvin Fucking Mack on them, then immediately walk over to Adam and go "Are we friends yet?"

Bananas/Tyler: Straight up Sissies. In London they are called "Tits" or "Wankers". Like seriously, some British dude will be like "You fecking Tit!" whenever addressing them.  Tyler has been a pretty tough gay dude for most of the season and did a lot to show that the stereotype of gay guys being "Girly" wasn't true at all.....until last night. CT scared the gayness back into him. So we get to see a 30 minute rant from Tyler, blaming everyone for sending him into the Jungle with Mufassa. Can't blame him. I know if I was about to die, I'd probably go off on everyone too. Oh and yeah, I really hate Johnny Bananas. 

Leroy/MikeMike: The dark horses. If punk ass Adam(The biggest drug dealer in Nantucket) was still around, Leroy would have been gone in week 2. But since they brought in his friend Mike(pretty unfair considering the show is called "Rivals"), they've quietly wrecked shop, stayed under the radar and won whenever they had to, aka last night. Looks like they are gonna walk unnoticed into the end zone while "Da Mob" keeps pissing their panties over CT. Leroy is a beast and might be the only legit competition for CT if it came down to man vs man. If it comes down to who has the lightest backpack, CT is gonna win. Oh and Leroy is easily the coolest RW cast member ever. Ever. 

Wes/Kenny: Straight up Sissies. In London they are called "Tits" or "Wankers" lolz...I love watching Wes flex on the weak people then bitch up whenever CT is circling the area. Most Gingers possess a certain kind of strength. They are normally very quiet people, basically a ticking time bomb. A sleeping giant if you will. But Wes is not that. He's certainly no giant(but a leprechaun) and he talks way too fucking much. I also hate how he talks just like Owen Wilson, but he has no reason to, because he's never had his nose cut off and reattached. Wes is one of the stronger competitors, but I just can't respect a guy that fears another man so badly. And Kenny is way weaker than Wes. If it comes down to Wes vs CT, Wes will have already lost because it takes about 42 seconds to piss yourself, in the meantime CT will be "Working" him.

I have CT and Adam winning it all.

I never had any FUBU stuff but I did have a cross colors hoodie in like 9-3

And I got a full ride scholly to play wide receiver at DeVry but I hurt my knee playing soccer at the old junior high practice field while I was juking your big cousin Harold. Sometimes I just say irrelevant shit. Often it's untruthful too. I have a mild form of Tourette's Syndrome and I say weird shit just to see how people react. This is to answer some of your questions of "why did he just say that?" So now you know. 

NOW HERE GOES MY BLOG!

Most of you are probably aware that last week was "Shark Week", if you didn't know this then 1.) You obviously don't read my shit and 2.) You're too poor for cable witch is really fucking poor because I know a homeless dude that has Direct TV.  And he has probably the fastest internet connect ever. Ever.

Anyway, what you may not have known was that last week was also "MOB Week" on AMC. It really kind of pisses me off that 2 of my favorite networks(Discovery and AMC) decide to make my 2 favorite things(Sharks and Gangsterism) a weekly special, the same week of the year. Even with DVR this situation can be hard to overcome. We have like 137(not a random number, it's really 137 right now) unwatched movies and shows recorded, if I have to record every Shark Show and Mob movie that comes on during that week, my DVR Box is gonna explode and probably erase a few of my old/classic Saved by the Bell episodes. Well FUCK THAT! Anyway, none of this is important, I'm just complaining. What I'm trying to say is while watching a few of the Mob Movies in between the Shark specials aka "Commercials", it kind of reminded me and made me appreciate a few things about people from NYC and Jersey(Oh and yeah, Jersey Shore came back last week, I swear to God, feast or famine man...all the good shows shoved into last week and now it will be like 2 months before I'm interested in a TV show again besides Football of course)-DIGRESSION- but ok, I said all of that to say this: I love true New Yorkers and New Jerseyumm-uns(I guess). I love the way they talk, how they're passionate about the simplest things(like I am sometimes and I'm not even from New York), most of all I love how they react to questions. I mean, you can ask them a totally legit, viable question with the option of having many good answers, but they'll act like you are asking the dumbest fucking thing ever and there is only one good answer.

EXAMPLE: "Uhh hey Fat Joey, I'm goin to da Subway, do you want me to get you'z a meatball sandwich?" Now at this point "Fat Joey" could say a lot of different things. He could say "No thanks, I'm on a diet"(If he's from San Francisco), or "Naw, I already ate a calzone"(If he's from Chicago), or "I think I'll try that delicious new chicken salad sandwich they've been advertising, yummy! lolz"(If he's a girl) but this is the appropriate response from "Fat Joey" and if "Fat Joey" doesn't answer this way, he's not from NY/NJ and he's certainly not a Mobster...
ME: "Hey Fat Joey, I'm goin to da Subway, do you want me to get you'z a meatball sandwich?"
FAT JOEY:"Do I want you'z to get me a meatball sandwich? What am I gonna do, not let you'z get me a meatball sandwich? Of course I want a meatball sandwich you fuckin mook!" 

                       THEM CHICKEN SALAD SAMMICHES DO GO HARD THOUGH!

It's a simple 3-step process that goes through their mind before answering your question and it applies to everything. Anything you can ask, there's a 99.99999(with a bar over the 9) percent chance the response is gonna happen this way. STEP 1: They repeat your question(just so you can hear how stupid you sounded to them). STEP 2: They act like there is no other reasonable option or alternate answer to your question, and STEP 3: They insult you for asking such a stupid fucking question. It's Money. Like clockwork. It always works out like this and you can even try it if you don't believe me. Go find the most New-Yorkish mother fucker in your office and ask them if they want to go have a drink with you tonight. I can personally guarantee you their answer will be this: "Do I want to go have a drink witchu tonight? What am I gonna do, not go have a drink witchu tonight? Of course I'll go have a drink witchu tonight you fuckin douche-bag!"..... It's always good times.

Another pretty hilarious thing they do is "Tell" you a question. Not ask you a question, but tell you a question. They'll be like "Yo Mikey, you wanna go catch a movie!" and that's it. There is no interrogative intentions whatsoever. They aren't waiting for you to say yes or no, they just told you that you want to go watch a movie with them. Sometimes they'll go one step further and tell you the question and repeat it to themselves just like they do to you when you ask them a dumb question. This is because they just realized that they are asking you a stupid question that only has one answer. "Yo Mikey, you wanna go catch a movie! do you wanna catch a movie, we're going to the fucking movies!"...They pretty much whisper to themselves the middle part(do you wanna catch a movie) because they don't like to call themselves out as much as they like calling you out for asking such a dumb question. Every question is rhetorical with them.

Again, like everything when it comes to stereotypes, there is a tiny margin for error and a chance it won't happen, but more than likely they are gonna talk, ask and answer just like I explained to you. If they don't, then they are lying about being from New York and they only visited there once or twice. I do that shit too sometimes though, like if someone just assumes I'm from Louisiana(which I'm proud of, I just hate when people make assumptions. Only I'm allowed to do that) They'll be like "Oh, I noticed an accent, are you from Louisiana?" and I'm all "No, I'm from California.".............sometimes that will backfire though because they'll be from California too and want to start talking specifics and I can't just say "Umm L.A." or "uhh Anaheim" because they'll start asking what street and shit and then you eventually have to go "Yeah, I'm really from Louisiana. Bitch!" Also it's good times if someone asks you where you're from and you tell them "Antarctica!" It never fails that their reaction will be "WOW, Really? I didn't know anyone lived there?" and you can say "Pfff, yeah, there are a lot of people from there. I had 47 kids in my senior class, but I went to one of the smaller schools." Then you can say "The only bad thing about growing up there is there's not much work after high school, you either have to join the military or work in the ice fields."

So yeah. Try these tricks the next time you run into a New Yorker, a Mobster, or some dickhead that thinks you're ignorant because of your southern accent. Also, if you happen to be living in another state right now and are from Louisiana, always tell them you had to move there because of Katrina(if of course they ask how you ended up living here?) I mean, you don't want to just walk in the gas station and say "Hi, I used to live in Louisiana but I had to leave because of Trina.", then you just look like a retard. But the important thing is that all of us Louisianans have to preserve our stereotypical heritage. We all have pet alligators, we all celebrate Mardi Gras year round, and we all lost our homes during the hurricanes of 2005. Horrrayy for stereotypes!

RECAP: I say random shit. I'm watching NCIS: Los Angeles while I'm posting this and it's very hard to take LL Cool J seriously as a special agent. New Yorkers are awesome. So are stereotypes. The dude in the picture I posted after the "New Yorker telling you you're going to a movie bit", his name is Joey Batt's lolz. Some good gangster names that I can think up off the top of my head and I've never seen them used in the movies are "Joey Knuckles", "Jimmy Diamonds", "Sal Margarito(It's what I used to call Greg Burns and he called me Nino when we would act like Mobsters in Mrs. Kinsingers class our soph year)", "Eddie the Rat" and "Franky Fuhgetaboutit". And if you're from Louisiana, you own an alligator.

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This one might be a little more serious than usual........

Because I'm taking issue with things that I wish would change and in turn, become more acceptable for all of us.

First, I really don't appreciate the fact that the word "Retard" has been made even more taboo in recent weeks. Like the whole public service announcement about not saying "That's Gay", now that PSA is aimed at not being allowed to say "Retard." People have to understand that there are exceptions to every rule. Everything has a gray area and you have to be able to determine when and where that gray area is. (By the way, I damn near just had a panic attack about not knowing if the color "Gray" is spelled with an A or an E) but.....like me and J-Scoggs were talking about a few weeks ago, some people just don't get "IT!"/ "IT" is pretty much what life is about. It's being able to understand sarcasm. It's being able to laugh at yourself. It's being able to not take life so seriously and learning how to read people. Some people have all the book-smarts in the world, maintain a 4.0 all through High School and College but still water their fake plants and ask questions like "How long is Shark Week?" That's when it's OK to call them "Retarded." You never, ever ever ever laugh publicly or make fun of a person with a debilitating disease or congenital birth defect that makes them mentally slower than the average person on the reg. That's not cool at all, not accepted by anyone with morals, pretty much agreed on by all of society and I'm sure frowned upon by God.
LIKE THIS FELLA....

But when it's someone who knows better, has no excuse but still does very stupid shit, you, nor anyone else should have any problem with calling them any form of retard i.e. "tard", "Fuck-tard", "O-tard", "Saint-tard", "dumb-tard", "douche-tard" etc... also you can be more creative and call them "Waterhead" or "Mongoloid."

The bottom line for me is, if we as a society are at the point now where we can't make fun of our friends with certain insults because a few people get offended too easily, I don't really want to be a part of this society anymore. And as far as I'm concerned, the only people that do have a problem with it, just don't get "IT." People that don't get "IT" might use this as an excuse, "Well I have a family member that's retarded" or "What if you had a retarded son or daughter, would it still be funny to you to use that word?" My answer: Absolutely still funny to use that word, WHEN IT APPLIES TO AN APPROPRIATE CASE! I'm not making fun of your cousin that has down-syndrome and I certainly don't want my next child to have any form of a disability, but none of that changes the fact that when you drink too much and shit your pants in public or something, it's perfectly acceptable to laugh at you and call you a "Mongoloid." Ironically, there are a lot of kids with down-syndrome that understand this better than some over-sensitive people in the world and probably think those people are in fact,"Retarded."

Remember how those Special Olympics cats mobbed up Johnny Knoxville in "The Ringer"??? They call oversensitive dumb people "Tards", FACT!  

Next is something that's way more of an issue to people across the board and it's something that's made the world uncomfortable in a lot of situations that probably didn't even have to be and it's Race. I'm sick of people being offended for being made fun of for their race. I myself, as a white male realize most of us can't dance unless we're gay, we don't run as fast as black people(although again, there are gray areas but generally we don't), we damn sure don't dunk as good as black dudes, even if we're 7 ft tall crackers like Dirk Nowitzki, although it's not real  impressive for anyone taller than 6"9 to dunk really. I'm not mad when I see an unfunny black comedian on Comic View talk in a nerd voice whenever he describes an interaction with a white guy. In fact I'm the opposite of mad because I do appreciate a good stereotype. Stereotypes are the best and purest forms of comedy. A stereotype is pretty much the reason why we have the definition of "Gray Area" because it means certain rules apply to the majority of your group or race but like everything, there are exceptions. Some Asian Women do drive pretty well(My Wife). Some Asians(My Wife) are terrible at math. Some Mexicans hate tacos(although I don't understand why, nor do I actually know any Mexicans that do, but I'm assuming out of all the Mexicans in the world, there has to be one with a shit ton of acid reflux or something). Some Indian people(from India, not South Dakota) don't work at 7-Eleven. Some black guys play basketball like shit.
Like the Dude from "Soul Man"(RACIST MOVIE of the 80's but with a heartfelt message and a very hot Rae Dawn Chong.)

Some white people enjoy malt liquor etc..
The guy on the far left for sure does.... 

But to me, there is nothing funnier than making a simple, obvious observation about something and exploiting the humor in it. Race just happens to be the one thing where this comes into play more than ever. This is why I only surround myself with people that understand racism is hilarious now in 2011. It wasn't funny back in 1964, but now it is pretty funny. The reason it's funny is because if someone is a "True Racist" then they are pretty backwards and can be considered a "Retard".......

.........and we can make fun of them for that. If they aren't racist and they make a racist observation, the people that happen to get "IT" are intelligent enough to not take it too seriously and laugh about it. So now racism is Win/Win. I do know that unfortunately(even now in 2011) some people still actually do try to hold someone down or back because they have a different skin color, but I also try to put as much distance between them and myself as I do people that won't laugh at racism. I have a core group of friends that I consider family more than anything. Out of this core group(most of course are Filipino because that's my family but even if they weren't I'd still love them now like Nate, JR, Glen, Damian and the rest of the cuzzins), I'm very close to a few black dudes(Keith Lawton, Marquis Johnson, Patrick Hodges and JJ Joiner to name a few), an Iraqi(Younan "Jonathan" the Barbarian), a skinny ass Puerto Rican(Adam Martin), a part Colombian dude that's hilarious as hell(Harvey Werner) shit tons of white people like Scoggs, Skin, Driscoll Brothers, Woods, Smitty, Clayboy, J-Self, Nash, Dustin Shidla, Garrison(just naming them because they like to see their name in public and I'm gonna fill a pillowcase full of soap and beat the shit out of Woods and Garrison) and a British guy named Marcus who technically is white, yeah, but very different than me because he's you know, British. The one common denominator with all of us is that I can make fun of any of them at any time for any reason including their race and they will laugh. HARD. I too will also laugh at them for cracking jokes on me because it's all love. This is where we should have evolved in the last 2 decades. The only one that will get offended will probably be Woods because he's very soft like terry cloth. But even then he laughs it off real fast and I think it's just part of our game. We try to make each other feel the shittiest about where we are now in life and how successful we aren't or at least if we're less successful than our best friends. That's what homeboys do. We knock each other hard, but always have each others backs...and pick each other up when we see the joke went too far. Again, it's all love. Like brothers fighting and not mortal enemies. We all need to be more like Danny Williamson, he's like the President of the new world order, dude has more friends of every shape and color than anyone I know. If we all think like Danny Boy, the world will be good by like 2028 or so. And that's another reason why it hurts so bad to lose Trent Vinson because he was a warrior in the fight on "hating people for no reason."

One of the many million reasons I married Melissa is because she gets "IT." She is very understanding and great at not taking herself too seriously. If you aren't like this, than I'm sorry, I can't be your friend and you don't go hard at all. 

Ultimately we all have flaws. That's what we all have in common regardless of race. Embracing those flaws as people and judging a man or woman's character(before looking at the color of their skin) is what allows us to get to the level where we can eventually make fun of someone for the umm color of their skin. Keith used to be so black that he made his black shoes look brown...but now he's gotten much lighter over the years for some reason. I mean he's still black, but not like Wesley Snipes black like he used to seem to be. I think the dream MLK had was about us not only being able to co-exist, but to be able to co-exist and like it. A lot of us are there, some have a long way to go. But I have a dream that one day mine and all of my friends kids will be able to sit at a dinner table together and make fun of each other because of our/their differences and no one will get sand in their vagina because of it. 

 Oh before I go, the funniest joke a black dude ever told me: He asked, "Why can't Stevie Wonder read?" and before I could answer he said "Because he's black." lolz.

I love racism, so lets all racism together. The more we accept how different we are, make jokes about it and not take it too personal, the better chance we have to heal. I'd take a bullet for many men I know of various races. I know for a fact we can all get along. We are the "Tomorrow People!" Love is humor, Love is understanding, Love is acceptance, and Love is making fun of your closest road dogs knowing they won't be butt hurt but come back with a similar joke and in the end it's truthful laughs. That's how we are gonna beat this hate(not the racism, that's funny) but the hate is the problem. Once we realize we are all vulnerable to being made fun of, we can deal with it and learn to love our life by playing the dozens.

Oh and one more thing. I didn't touch on "Homosexuals" too much because I saw where Tracy Morgan got beat the fuck down by the Gay Community a few weeks ago. I have no problem with gays. I admit, I don't understand how a man can be gay and want to be with another, smelly, hairy, guy with a dick(I can see why women are gay though), but I do understand Love, and people can't help who they fall in love with. I will just say that when someone says something remotely negative about gay people, they shouldn't be blacklisted for it. And they also shouldn't be called "Homophobic!" A phobia means you're scared of something. Most people that don't tolerate gay people aren't scared of them, they just don't like them. They may be "Snake-a-phobic", "Hydrophobic" or "Arachnophobic" but I wouldn't call them "homophobic" call them "Homo-hater-ic" or something. That makes way more sense.

Oh but a good time to be "homophobic" would be if you ever got confronted by Omar from the wire. That's a scary ass gay dude. 

Thanks for reading once again. I know this is a little more real than most of y'all are accustomed to, coming from me.....but if we keep it real with ourselves and judge others for the right reasons, your life will be a lot more prosperous. It's 2011. It's time for us to realize we are all in the same boat for the most part. So lets make it right this year. Make a new friend that's a different race, get in cool with them. Then start cracking on them. This is the answer!

Recap On Some Things and Straight Hating.

Watching the first day of shark week last Sunday and somehow I missed this gem from when it originally aired in 2007, but this particular show is called "Shark Feeding Frenzy"(which by the way is the best title ever for trying to get someone to watch your show)....Anyway, Les Stroud's punk ass is hosting it. Damn I really hate this dude. Remember how people used to argue HARD about who was better, him or Bear Grylls?
Well I will almost fight a bitch over that argument. Bear may cheat or whatever by having a camera crew, but at least he's way more interesting. No, I probably wouldn't use his tactics if I was stranded in the Alps, but I certainly don't mind watching him risk his life. That's the whole point though, if you want to learn how to survive, you can check out a book at the library and finish reading it before the due date most likely so you don't owe the city of Fort Smith like 200 dollars for a book you checked out to do a research paper on William Wallace then changed your mind and did it on Albert Pike instead and totally forgot about it....but yeah, that's pretty much like watching Les Stroud. It's literally like watching a book. I mean imagine your TV having a book on the screen and a guy reading it to you, "Umm, I'm gonna sit here and conserve my energy. Watch me catch this fish. Watch me cook this fish. Watch me eat this fish. Watch me lay here and complain about the mosquito's and cry about how I can't sleep tonight because it's too cold". Well FUCK YOU LES STROUD! You bore the living horse fuck out of me and it makes me very agitated and I start playing that game with the knife where you try to miss all your fingers but might accidentally cut one off like dude in Hangover 2.
Plus Les Stroud looks like he has terrible hygiene, doesn't brush his teeth for days, doesn't wash his hands after taking a shit etc.(and it's OK to not wash your hands after you piss if you're a man, because your penis probably isn't as dirty as the public restroom sink and then you have to touch the blower thing and take 45 minutes to blow the water off your hands. No bueno. Waste of time. As long as you don't get actual urine on your hands, you're good.)

Well this show "Shark Feeding Frenzy" had a segment that made Les Stroud not as boring as usual. He did this experiment where he drained his own blood and then drained the blood of a tuna fish, put them both on a dummy(Les Stroud himself could have just played the dummy and it wouldn't have been a stretch), and set them afloat. Well just so you know, the Shark went hard on Les Strouds' blood and ignored the fish blood. That blows that theory all to hell that Sharks don't want to kill you. They actually would rather kill you than anything else in the sea. People are like the Lobster for Sharks. It's a rarity unless someone else is paying for it or it just falls into your lap(for instance this crack head in Cleveland tried to sell me a lobster outside of Giant Eagle one time).

But yeah, you are like Lobster for sharks. The good lobster too, not that shit they served in the D-FAC at Camp Liberty. This is what you look like to a shark whenever you are swimming.

Be aware of that at all times when you're swimming in Destin or especially in Australia where sharks are way harder than sharks in America(comparatively speaking the Sharks in Australia are like the Rolling 60's in Compton during the mid-80's when they were merking everyone for wearing red, and the Sharks in America are like those white dudes in your junior high that talked like they were black and wore G-Nikes but bitched up when they saw a black dude).
AUSTRALIAN SHARKS!

and AMERICAN SHARKS!

That's whats up though. Sharks are really stalking you, it's not an accident or a mistake. I probably can't stress this enough to you and I've been preaching it for years.

While we're on current events, the white house is shitting the bed again with our finances(and in other news, water is fucking wet). I also want to admit that I'm completely ignorant on the debt crisis in America. I know for years our National debt has been in the trillions of dollars, we owe China most of it and if you stacked the amount of dollar bills that equaled our National debt, it would go to the moon and back etc... People from all walks of life(Mostly Rich People or Teachers though) have tried to explain how the debt thing works to me and I just never seem to comprehend it. I've always felt like we are America, why the fuck do we owe anybody anything? Why can't we just invent more currency. Like why can't we just tell China "Bitch, you owe us for letting you have a country." I feel like America is Tony Soprano and everyone else is like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
THIS TIME AMERICA WINS(not in sharks but other shit)
AMERICA

EVERYONE ELSE

If Tony Soprano needed a dime bag of weed and Shaggy gave it to him, do you really think Tony would pay? What Tony Soprano would do is get in Shaggy's personal space, real calm like and start breathing real heavy like my dad does when he's eating ice cream, and he'd just give him that look and BOOM. Nothing. Shaggy would just know that he's not getting this money, homes. Well that's how I feel about America and our national debt. I don't understand why we can't be the best country in the world instead of the most broke country in the world where the poor people get more poor. Used to be our poor people still had it better than some rich people in other countries but you can't feed me that bullshit anymore. I know for a fact that we're vastly lowering ourselves to the same level of all the shit countries around the world, and before too long we will be like Cuba if we keep letting these bitches punk us for our monies. I don't know. I'm not an economics expert by any stretch of the imagination and even if I was I still probably wouldn't be able to understand how WE are in debt to ANYONE.

To sum it up, Bear > Les. "Shark Feeding Frenzy" is one hell of a cool name for a show. Who wouldn't want to watch Sharks in a frenzy(although it was false advertisement because not one "frenzy" was shown). I owe a shit ton of money to the local library that they will never get(like how other countries shouldn't get paid by America). Fuck Les Stroud. As long as your dick isn't dirty, you can take a quick piss and not wash your hands and it's legit. Sharks still hate you as a person, but love the way you taste. You are a lobster. Rolling 60's went hard in the 80's. White dudes that wanted to be rolling 60's didn't. Oh, but please believe I had me some G-Nikes in 94 through like 97.

Fuck everyone that thinks we owe them money. Tony Soprano has respiratory issues. So does Pops.  Tony doesn't fear Shaggy. Rich people understand economics better than poor people. Don't want to be Cuba. When I hear that song "Fastlane" by Eminem and Royce Da 5'9 it makes me want to pistol whip ur Grandma. Sign up for this site, subscribe to me. Comment. Also get on Google plus. And do it. Do it.