Oh you just got an Escalade? That's awesome bro.....

Because Kenny Powers is following me on Twitter.

This has been an awesome year for Leesville alumni. Josh Quayhagen is steadily dominating the MMA ranks, knocking effers out on the reg with one kicker quitters like Frank Dux in the 88 Kumite.

TRUE STORY: I was once with Quay in Hong Kong before a very prestigious martial arts tournament where only the best fighters from all parts of the world are invited to participate and when we were trying to sign him in they didn't believe he was who he said he was. I was like "What is the hold up?" and they were all "He says Senzo Tanaka is his Shidoshi." and I was like "What difference does it make, even if Bruce Springsteen is his Shidoshi?" and the Officials got all pissy and said "If Senzo Tanaka is his Shidoshi, then show us the Dim Mak!", and I was all "What the hell is the Dim Mak?" and the Official goes "Death Touch!". The room got so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. I mean literally. People always say that shit, you know, "It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop." But it really did get that quiet, some dude named Kim Ji Yong(one of the respective fighters from Korea) was in the far corner of the room and he dropped his pin, and I heard that shit. Very clearly. That's how quiet it got. Anyway, so they stacked up some bricks, 3 stacks of bricks with like 5 or 6 bricks in each stack....but this is where it gets tricky. They pointed to one of the bricks on the bottom of the stack and they wanted him to break that one. I probably don't have to tell you what happened next because if you know Quay, you know he's knocked more mother fuckers out than Roofies.

Of course he breaks the brick and immediately gains the respect of pretty much the entire room, except for this one arrogant, cocky ass butt hole named Chong Li. Chong Li was like "Very good, but brick not hit back." 

I was like "ooohhh, I smell a challenge."

So anyway, back on topic. We have Quay representing Leesville hard, doing great things. Then we have Michael Ford who happens to be one of the strongest college football players in the country and looking to have a big year for a National Championship contender with a great tradition of graduating Running Backs to the next level.  

We have Keith Zinger who just recently signed with the Jets and a lot of people(especially in New Jersey) seem to think they are Superbowl contenders(Not me though, I'm thinking New England and probably Dallas and fuck you if you don't think Dallas!)

We have Keith Smith who was a year behind me at LHS that turned into an absolute stud at McNeese(Some scouts were quoted as calling him the best deep coverage Cornerback in all of college football during his time there) and went on to play a few years with the Detroit Lions and most recently the San Francisco 94'ers(I call them the 94'ers because they haven't done shit since like 94 lolz).

We have LEGENDS like Kevin Mawae who's entire family contributed to the greatness of LHS football while they were in High School while him and his brother John went on to have great careers at LSU. Then Kevin became an All-Everything Center in the NFL that was arguably the most respected Offensive Lineman by his peers in the league, on and off the field. I could probably write 30 pages on all the great things he has done as a player and philanthropist, and he is still playing a huge role in the NFLPA.

His younger brother Mark was an All-American QB for the Leesville Sunday League, one of the most violent leagues known to man where you could witness young men shedding blood and breaking bones on the reg if you happened to drive by the Leesville Junior High Practice field on any given Sunday during the fall. 

We have Demond Mallet, currently dominating professional basketball in Europe. He probably could have made it to the Major League had he chosen baseball, but instead he's just a Champeeen over in Europe winning trophies and whatnot on the reg. One time while we were playing 3 on 3 over at Bailey and J-Scogg's house, Demond jumped over 4 people and dunked it 3 times all at once. I mean on the same jump, he was in the air, and just kept on dunking it repeatedly, 3 times. Then he floated back down to the ground. It was awesome. 

We've got Clark Reehm living his dream as a Bassmaster Elite Series Pro. Clark once caught a Bass that weighed 744 lbs, but threw it back because he's so unselfish and the fish was pregnant. Now thanks to Clark, there are like 7 or 8 Bass swimming around in some river in Texas all weighing more than your Grandma, because of his very unselfish act. When asked by a reporter why he let the fish go, Clark simply replied "It's all about multiplication, homes!"

We've had so many great names come through The Ville. Eddie Fuller who caught the legendary touchdown pass from Tommy Hodson that beat Auburn and caused an earthquake in Death Valley(the Baton Rouge Death Valley, not the California Death Valley because that's just normal there) then later went on to play for at least 3 Superbowl teams in Buffalo(although they lost all of them, 2 to Dallas might I add).

Raymond Smoot who played on the Offensive Line for the Chargers in the early 90's. Another particular Running Back that I happened to play with in High School that had all of the talent in the world, blew peoples minds during his short time at LSU including like an 80 yard touchdown run while wearing only one shoe against an Auburn defense with 3 of the best linebackers ever...but had some bad luck and a few run-ins with the law that somewhat hampered his career in the NFL. Not gonna say his name but it rhymes with Becil Bollins. 

I'm sure I'm forgetting a few great names that came out of that small town in Vernon Parish located just north of Lake Charles and west of Alexandria. Sometimes described as "Umm it's about 2 hours south of Shreveport" or "like 3 hours from Houston" or "Do you know where Fort Polk is, well it's right there next to it." The town that used to fall under the 318 area code and I got a tattoo my Senior year that said "318 for Life" and like 2 months later they changed it to 337. Fucking Assholes! Anyway, the point of this story is that we've had so many great people come out of this area and not all just professional athletes or sports figures, but some great minds as well, someone that worked for NASA and some that went on to teach at prestigious Universities etc.. 

It's very respectable and admirable, the things these people that I've mentioned have accomplished. But none of them are being followed by Kenny Powers on Twitter.  

But do you know who is? Mike Hicks! That's who.  

So yeah. That's pretty much all I wanted to tell you. 

Subscribe to my blog. Write comments. Follow me on Twitter too, just like Kenny Powers. Tell your friends you know Mike Hicks and that Kenny Fucking Powers is following him on Twitter. Have a good week. Peace!

It could always be worse...........

I could be Perez Hilton. 

There is some 17 year old kid in Mississippi or West Virgina right now that just found out his fat, toothless girlfriend with a huge, hairy ass mole on her left cheek and a bad case of halitosis is pregnant(probably with triplets) the day after he lost his job collecting baskets at the Wal Marks because he got caught huffing paint out in the parking lot with his best friend Jerry Joe that gives him rides to work(for like 7 dollars a day in gas money to drive less than a mile), then that afternoon he went mud riding in his 74 Ford pick-up truck(with 4 different tires and no power steering) and got pulled over on the way home and got a ticket for not wearing his seatbelt, then the cop searched and found his last little roach of weed in his glove box so he had to go to the local jail for 4 hours getting his B-hole and nut sack caressed and rubbed on by some Big Gay Bear named "Pretty Donald"

the entire time while he's in the cell waiting on his Dad(that beats him worse than Chris Brown beats Rhianna) to come pick him up, then the guard brings his ham sammich to him because he hasn't eaten all day and Donald hocks a huge fucking loogie on it before threatening to turn his mouth into a vagina.....Well this kid still had a better day than I had on Tuesday. 

Some days you just wake up and by the time you pour your first cup of coffee, you have this intuitive feeling that "Today is gonna be an incredibly shitty day!" I started back exercising rather hard a few weeks ago because my dad lost a lot of weight and I don't want him to weigh less than me. So Tuesday morning I ran my ass off and had to squeeze it in because I was pressed for time, then by the time I get in the shower my nose starts bleeding(because of the extreme temperature changes I'm guessing, not because I have a nose candy problem like your Grandma). Not just a small nose bleed like Charlie Sheen gets when he rails 3 eight balls before a meeting with his publicist(btw Charlie Sheen hates cocaine, he just loves the way it smells) , but it's like the flood gates opened. Like when Rambo shot off that Burmese soldiers head at point blank range with a 50 Cal in the last Rambo Movie, that's about how much blood was oozing out of my nose. 

So I finally get that stopped and it's 8:55. I have to be in my class at 9:30. That's about a 12 minute drive plus you have to factor in a shitty parking situation. Approximately 15,000 cars attend my University. There are only 2,000 parking spots. Arkansas sucks at Logistics and planning. Oh, and everything else. Every statistical category that ever existed, Arkansas sucks at it. So I get about 3 minutes down the street and I realize I left my schedule at home. There was no way I could recall which room or even which building my first class was in, so I had to make an executive decision to turn around and drive home. Going back home for anything is the unluckiest thing you can possibly do. That's what OJ did, he forgot his golf shoes, then went back home for them and BAM! his ex-wife and her new boyfriend were brutally murdered and the guy that did it used OJ's glove and everything. Basically nothing good can happen when you turn back. I did it anyway. So now 8:55 turns into 9:06. I then get behind every fucking slow ass in town. I felt like I was following Shirlon on his moped in Leesville when he'd hold up traffic for like 20 miles between Leesville and DeRidder.

I got behind at least 14 cars with handicapped stickers that drive like they walk(there is no fucking excuse for that shit)....I then arrive in the vicinity of the University and have to start circling every parking lot like a vulture waiting on a wounded armadillo to die. I end up getting lucky and this one fucktard is taking his time putting his books in the back of his truck(one by one, not all at once like most people with a cock and balls do), gets in slowly, adjusts his AC, and changes his CD to track 7 which is probably the gayest song ever written(I mean I couldn't hear it or anything, but it's an educated guess)...I'm clearly waiting for him to back out(for at least 4 minutes) then this other fucking butt hole driving a mustang on like 34 inch rims, bumping old ass Busta Rhymes songs from 1994 tries to jack me for my spot. I poked my head out of the window and gave him the same look that Charles Manson probably gives the parole board every time he's up for release. Dude must have been very soft like terry cloth because he put it in reverse and bailed ass. And it's a good thing he did because if not, I would have went straight CT and Ronnie on him at the same time. And not "Xenadrine" Ronnie, but HGH I'll steroid kill the fuck out of you Ronnie.....

...so I get my spot and it's 9:27. I have to sprint for almost a mile to make it to my building on the other side of campus. It's hotter than Fuck. (How hot is Fuck do you ask? Well "Fuck" is 2 different temperatures, one "Fuck" is approx 99 degrees Fahrenheit. The other "Fuck" is about 45 degrees Fahrenheit. So if it's more than 99 degrees, it's hotter than FUCK. if it's cooler than 45 degrees it's colder than FUCK. If it's exactly either 99 or 45 degrees, well then it's just FUCK.) I digress......So I damn near sprint to the building, get there and the class is on the 3rd floor. I walk in and I'm sweating like George W. Bush in a spelling bee. It looked like someone poured water over my bald head and I'm mouth breathing like Tony Soprano eating a cannoli after the 2 mile sprint and 3 stories of stairs that followed. I get seated and there are only 5 people in there(which is pretty weird) and no teacher. HORRAYYY! I made it. It's now 9:34 and the teacher is running late. I'm golden, right?

Turns out one of these 5 nerds says something about "Algorithms", then they start arguing about numerical terms I've never heard in my life. They were all laughing and telling jokes that weren't funny. It suddenly dawned on me that I may not belong here. I felt like Spongebob when he lost the Crusty Crab managerial position to Squidward in the Spongebob movie. This nervous, stomach churning feeling just came over me. I then ask "Uhh, so is this College Algebra?" Then the ring leader of the sophisticated know-it-alls started laughing all loud like he is Dr. Fucking Evil and was like "Ooom, oom Muwhahahaha. Muwhaaahahahaha" and his other 4 henchmen joined in and started doing the same laugh until this one little bitch that looks like Ben Linus from "Lost"............ 

Stopped the others from laughing and looked me dead in my eye and said "No, this is MATH 4913, Partial Differential Equations...you are in the wrong room." and with that, those fucking turds started laughing at me again. So now it's like 9:37 and the teacher is walking in as I'm making my exit and I asked her if she knew where my class was and she looked at me like I was asking her if I knew where I could go catch AIDS. Fuck that bitch! I just walked out and wanted to cry. But since I go hard I didn't cry and I poked my head back in the room and told all of them "Have fun not ever having sex with women, geniuses!" (Not really, but I wanted to)and I took off trying to find my class. The real irony was I went all the way home to get a fucking schedule that was wrong anyway. I might as well have just went without it and would have had the same result, maybe even a better one..... Well after traveling another combined 2 miles and 40 flights of stairs I finally found someone that could tell me where I needed to be. I show up there looking worse than I did for the faggy geniuses class that made fun of me for not having an IQ as high as them, even more sweaty and retarded looking than I did 20 minutes prior. I'm finally in the class I'm supposed to be in, almost 30 minutes late and have to sit in the last available seat in the front row in the far corner of the room like where the bad kids used to have to sit when they were in trouble and had to wear the cone on their head. 

This shit is getting too long so this last paragraph is a summary of the rest of my day: Had to hurry to my next class because it's another mile away. Get stuck behind this big gay bear for the 2nd day in a row taking up the entire sidewalk. Dude is like 5"2" and 488 lbs. He walks slower than Waka Flocka Flame can think. 

I Can't pass him because I'll look like a nerd that's in a hurry(like it mattered at this point). I Barely make it to my next class on time and get another shitty seat next to the people that no one wants to sit with. Then class is over and I have to walk another 4.7 miles back to my car in the "Hotter Than Fuck" heat and my front drivers side tire is flat(Fucking cherry on top). Probably because I made fun of a dude via facebook status update for riding donut not even 2 days earlier. I look up to God and say "I'm sorry for being such a dick lately! Please stop punishing me?" and since then my days haven't been so shitty.

Sorry this is so long. Probably doesn't matter because only like 15 of you will read it. I'll try to get back on track next week and do my regular routine but shit is getting real. Lots of homework and other things going on. Oh, and if you're making fun of me for being in College Algebra at the age of 31, it's because Arkansas is retarded and they wouldn't accept my credits from Louisiana in Algebra or Biology. If Arkansas went to London, one of those British dudes would call Arkansas "A fecking Tit." or "A fecking Wanker." Now sign up for my shit, subscribe, leave comments on here or at least Facebook so that I know you're reading. If not....I'll keep writing anyway. 

Oh and Danny McBride, if you're reading this, I'm down to come write for season 4 of Eastbound and I'll just finish this College shit later. Pretty much like I've been saying for the past 10 years. I'll just do it later.

No bruh, you can just keep it now.

It doesn't fit me now, anyway. Because it was 93 when I let you hold it. 

Yo Deebo, can I talk to you for a second? Pop's trippin man. He wants me to ask for my bike back. You know I wouldn't trip, ....."What Bike?" The Beach Cruiser, the one I let you use. The one I've been asking you about.... "OH, that bike! I didn't know you wanted it back homie!" ...Yeah, it's just like, it's both of ours, but we'll just keep it down at my house. 

Never. EVER EVER EVER. Let your friends borrow your shit. Everything I ever loaned out, I never got it back. I've bought 7 Master P "The Ice Cream Man" CD's because I kept letting fucking butt holes borrow it thinking "Oh, this time he'll give it back after he records it. lolz" But it never happens.

I was just watching a commercial yesterday afternoon and I saw a guy wearing a Polo shirt that I swear I used to own. Shit, it may have even been my actual shirt because you know how you let someone borrow your shirt and they loan it out the next day after they sweat all over it because they don't feel like washing it. Then the cycle continues. Anyway, it was probably my favorite shirt I ever had. It fit me perfectly. It's like once in a lifetime you find a pair of jeans and a shirt that fit you just right. It makes your chest look swole and your biceps look perfectly defined(the sleeve just rides your bicep naturally so you don't have to look like you're showing off your guns on purpose). You would wear it everyday if you could, but you know you'll get made fun of. HARD.(But you can wear the same jeans everyday as long as there are no holes because no one notices and if they do they probably like penis more than your girlfriend does.)..but you have to be cool with the shirt. You have to time it out just right so that you wear it on Monday and you'll have to wait until at least next Tuesday before you wear it again(maybe even Wednesday), eventually you'll get called out after the ole "8 day delay" and you'll catch yourself arguing like "Bitch, I swear I haven't wore this shirt in a month" or, "This isn't even the same shirt dick-head!" So you do have to be careful with that. Well if you love a shirt like that, never let your friend borrow it, not even if he's your roommate. Especially if he's your roommate because then you'll just let him keep it in his closet and feel like "Well hey, it's still in my house. Kind of." and you'll never nut up and ask for it back.


There was something funny I was gonna write about today, but I totally forgot. It's scary how I forget shit like that. I mean it wasn't like it was something unimportant like when old people talk to you and you just nod and smile because you really don't give an eff about what they are saying, and later your wife is like "So what was the old man talking about?" and you're all like "Hunh? what old man?"..This shit is serious because it was a real topic, something I was plotting and thinking about and all of the sudden it just disappears and maybe if I'm lucky, it will come back to me in November while I'm getting a tight fade. I really need some NZT-48. 

And if I had it I'm pretty sure they wouldn't even have to make a movie about me because I would have already outsmarted the Russian Mob and Robert DeNiro like 8 minutes into it. I was also pissed off how he could use 100% of his brain, but they never showed him bending any spoons. I would fucking pick up cars with my mind like Magneto and shit if I could score some Nizit. Nizit is what it's called on the streets. Oh and True Story: Speaking of using your mind to do shit, I once locked myself in a closet for 6 hours trying to produce lighting out of my hands after I watched "Big Trouble In Little China" for the first time. If you don't believe me you can ask my cousin. So that's probably what I'd do with my time if I scored some Nizit. I wouldn't waste my days playing with the stock markets or writing a book. I'd learn how to electrocute people and ride lighting and shit. That's where the money is. 

Today I'm supposed to hate on everything. Friday is typically my "hater day"...but I'm feeling rather chipper this morning and just felt like keeping it the perfect amount of real for you instead of making up some shit that I don't like. I did hate a little bit on some things, but I didn't over hate like I intend on doing most Fridays. And Jersey Shore rebounded hard last night. Ronnie imitating Sitch on the phone was very hilarious. Pauly D and Poser Vinnie clowning Ronnie for wearing all black after him and Sammi got back together was very hilarious. The previews for next week when Ronnie knocks out Mike are very hilarious. Maybe I was wrong about the fall off. 

Peace. Have a good weekend! 

Now excuse me while I go flash mob a KFC and not even pay for it like we used to do when Keith worked there on Post. 

Lets go bum rush the 7/11, homie.

Me, my Grandma and 38 of your cousins are about to come do a flash mob on your house and steal your DVD/VCR player and your Playstation 3 with your brand new copy of Madden 2012.

So this "Flash Mob" shit is getting pretty ridiculous. If you haven't heard about it, it's either because you aren't white and paranoid, or you are too rich to shop at quickie stores and probably live way too far from the hood. But just because they haven't flash-mobbed the BP station in Strongsville or the Chevron in Bel Air, doesn't mean it won't happen because quite honestly, it's the most sophisticated robbery I've ever seen go down on Youtube. Who would have thunk that if you wanna knock over the Circle K, all you need is like 45 of your friends(and most of them you don't even have to hang out with on the reg, they can just be acquaintances) to dress the same or wear something over your heads, and bum rush that bitch for all the ciggies and beer you could hope for as long as you do it under 90 seconds. What will the police do? NOTHING. They'll call it a wash and do a press conference about how weak your grandma is and she needs to be protected more than your local Shop-Rite. You'd probably have to do it 3 Fridays in a row before they start breaking down the video and trying to guess who the ring leader is. Then you just say "Wasn't me, but I heard about this happening in Maryland. Terrible thing." Then you just start driving to DeRidder and start robbing them.

Really I almost hate to make light of the situation. But America was founded on the Mob Mentality. If you don't like the way things are being done, you form a Mob and rebel against whoever happens to be charging you taxes. This is really no different than anything our Forefathers did about 240 years ago, except they weren't stealing Slim Jims and 40's from 7/eleven. And they were fighting for something more important. And they all had long, fake, powdered wigs and wooden teeth. And there wasn't any cameras. And they had Paul Revere ghost riding a Brown Mare named "Brown Beauty" yelling out "Them British fags are coming, lads!" whenever he saw the Red Coats(The Brits were claiming a blood set obviously). 

And there wasn't any Arabs that owned gas stations back then. And those retards would all stand in a straight fucking line about 50 feet from the enemy and just take turns killing each other.

Oh, don't bother taking cover when the guy in front of you gets lit up, you just need to step up and take your licks like a man. Then after about 25 minutes of trading shots with the enemy, you either retreat or you run into each other and start a "Rumble" like the Greasers and the Socs in the 1950's until you get tired, then you pull back and wait for the next battle. 

Thank God Mel Gibson came out of retirement and taught those idiots how to hide behind trees and shit. 

But other than a few huge issues, flash mobbing gas stations and fighting in the Revolutionary War are pretty much the same thing.

So if you want to participate in a flash mob say, next weekend or so? I'm down. Just get with me and we'll work out a time. The worst that can happen? We'll get peppered in the face by some fat as shit cop that's having an asthma attack at the very site of our vicious mob. Best Case: We score a shit ton of free Funions and Orange Mountain Dew before they take it off the shelves for the winter. 

I flash mob way harder than you do and I five finger discount anything I want with 70 other people!

DISCLAIMER: I really don't support any mobbing, flashing or other(Except of course for Ice Cube and Da Lench Mob). Also, even though CT lost last night, he did get his "Blast On" with Johnny Bananas and Tyler. And Tyler said he had food poisoning which was a total lie. What he had was a bruised up pancreas and 2 ribs poking into his intestines from CT's Torpedo!

I Run Fast and Go Hard. So buy me an Audi, Bitch!

When I was getting recruited HARD by DeVry and ITT Tech my Junior and Senior years of high school in the late 90's, they had this booster named Lil Zachary that offered to buy me some Converse High-Tops with the star on the tongue, and 2 for 1 tickets at Blockbuster anytime I wanted to go. But I turned that bitch down, because I'm classier than you. 

So "Lil Luke" spent the last year rigging "Da U" up with IED's and yesterday set them all off simultaneously. That's slang for, "The University of Miami is Fucked!" A lot of college football fans seem to be happy about this, they are hating on the swagger. BUT, if they hate Florida and don't want to see Florida State dominate again, they better hold up on the pointing and laughing for a while, because if Miami gets decapitated, that's gonna open up the flood gates in the 305 for the Gators and FSU.

We'll probably watch both schools go on to dominate the rest of the next decade or so. Even schools like Central Florida which have already been on the come-up in recent years will step to that next level with the 5 or 6 remaining studs coming out of South Florida that UF and FSU passes up. I don't really see anything good about Miami getting the death penalty. Whats even worse is I know for a fact that every major college program has a "Lil Luke" catering to the elite stars coming in. Maybe not to that extreme, but one would have to be very naive to think it never happens at "Your School"! There is no simple or quick solution to this problem, but in the last 8 months or so, we've watched 2 powerhouses brought to their knees(tOSU/Miami) and with today's mass media and hungry sportswriters wanting to drop the next bomb so they can get their shine on Sportscenter, no one is safe. Shit, I was thinking yesterdays story was gonna end up being about Auburn or more possible violations by Ohio State when Yahoo announced a while back that they would eventually drop the biggest sports story of the summer. I had no idea Miami would be implicated. But now we have USC in the shitter(which doesn't really bother me all that much), Ohio State and Miami....AND Oregon is on the ledge right now too. If these powerhouses keep dropping, who is gonna give a shit about College Football. If LSU wins a National Championship in the coming years while 15 of the best schools in the country are on probation or perma-banned, how terrible will that feel? It's like being the slowest runner in the 100 at the Olympics, but winning because the other 7 people got scratched for a false start. Yeah you won, but you know it's not because you should have.

THE SOLUTION 

There really isn't one. But in my humble opinion do this. 1.) Keep track of the jersey sales for individual college players. Most superstars of a respected program sell the most "numbered" jerseys. For every jersey that gets sold, give them a dime or something. Maybe 14 cents, I don't know. But they should be paid for the exploitation. This will take care of the real star attractions that are feeling like they are "owed" money, and rightfully so. Only about 5-8 guys will have their Numbers on sale at Champs anyway, those are the ones that are pretty much shoe-ins for the NFL. Pay them what you are making off of them. If 80,000 fans buy Andrew Luck's jersey, he should get paid about 8-10 G's. Now he's on full scholarship and he's getting almost 10 thousand extra dollars to help take care of his family(if he has one) and buy extra groceries. The 2nd tier players that are important to the programs success but not necessarily stars should get a huge increase in allowance and again, any percentage of money being made off of them as an individual, by the University. Every player should get an allowance based on their family needs, for example, if player A has 3 kids already and he's a major contributor to your defense, he should get at least $1,000 dollars per kid as an allowance, another(lets say 2 million for a wife to keep that bitch happy, naw, just playing) but another couple of thousand to keep the family afloat. It should also go by contributing factors i.e. a starter should get a little more than a non starter. I mean, it's a cruel world, but winners tend to make more money. What better place to learn that than college.

If you are giving the Big Timers enough of an allowance to get by, this stops the argument that they are just broke college kids starving to death. Then the shitty players won't really be affected because Lil Luke ain't trying to buy Rudy a new car.

NO, this may not stop the illegal benefits completely, but what it will do is not make the NCAA and the Universities look like such greedy assholes, and give them a reason to drop the hammer when bitches act up like Miami just did. Regardless of what you think, it's not fair to pay a Cam Newton the same amount as you pay Cam Johnson(who is Cam Johnson? Exactly!) Most players know where they fit in and know their value. Also throw in some stipulations like you do in the NFL and fine them when they fuck up. College is all about preparing you for the next level, right? Why not make the experience a little more real, especially when you are living fat because you got the best studs to come to your school in 2011. Pay those studs their monies, it really only comes down to decimal points as far as taking money out of the Boss's pockets. If you pay every player on your team $10,000 plus the full scholarship, you are only talking about an extra 1.4 million a year or so. You make that selling hot dogs or gumbo in the pregame. AND you really don't have to pay everyone 10G's, only the studs that are gonna get it one way or the other.

I could go on all day about this, but I'm not trying to write a book like Yahoo did yesterday about Miami! 

Peace, and hook me up with some Heat tickets, court side because I hit way harder than you. 


DISCLAIMER: Andrew Luck doesn't really need 10 G's, dude is rich already, but I used him because he's a beast!

Seems like every time I see this dude, the damn guy is shuffling.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that every day he shuffles. 


If there is one thing I know, it's definitely shuffling. Sometimes you just have to shuffle, I don't know. But it's important that you shuffle properly. Maybe perhaps consult your physician before starting any new shuffling programs.

Anyway, yesterday was a terribly shitty day. In retrospect it wasn't even all that bad once you put it all in perspective, but every crisis seems like the apocalypse while it's happening. Mariah has been breaking out with what looks like chicken pox or something. We just got her vaccine for that about a month ago. The Doctor we take her to is a complete idiot(I won't use "Retard" this time, because he may be a legit retard and I'll go to hell for saying that) I don't know why we still use him, I guess because I hate change maybe? But I think we're gonna start yellow paging new Pediatric guys. This dude always gives us a lecture the first 10 minutes of the visit and makes sure we know how to use a car seat, makes sure that we don't keep any loaded weapons in the house that aren't locked up and he stresses the next 10 minutes how important it is that children DO NOT JUMP ON TRAMPOLINES! He's done this same shtick since Mariah was like 5 months old. I looked him in the eye before Mariah could even crawl and told him "I promise I won't let her jump on a trampoline when we get her home!"...So he usually spends 20 or more minutes telling me and Melissa how to be a parent that doesn't put their babies in the oven for time out, or feed them their own shit for breakfast, then he looks at Mariah for 2 seconds and says "Oh, she looks ok." Yesterday I was very concerned about why my daughter looks like Freddy Krueger from the waist down, and he was all like "Oh, umm I'm not sure, let me go check something on the internet real fast"................brings me to the rest of my story.

About 6 days from today, I start back to school. I'm not bragging but last semester I copped a 4 pernt O. Wait, I am bragging actually. It's a good and a bad thing though. It's good because it was a 4.0, it's bad because it's just another indicator of how fucking lazy I've been most of my life. I mean you absolutely have to challenge me or you'll get no response. Tell me I'm slow and I'll do like 200 sprints every day until I get your respect, tell me I'm getting fat and I'll go on a zero calorie diet for 3 months until I look like Skeletor. But I really have to feel challenged. You can't just walk up to me and be like "lol you got fat lol" or I'll just tell you to go Eff yourself. But you have to really make it hurt, you have to say "Damn Mike, you got fat as shit!" That's how I respond to criticism. I just go into my room and quietly make a plan not to see you ever again, until I'm skinnier than you. Same with school. Someone I was talking to a while back was asking me what I was going back to school for etc.., and they said "what was your GPA the last time you were in school?" After I told them they made me feel legitimately retarded(Like our doctor). So I challenged myself to 4-point-Oh that bitch. So now I guess I'm just asking one of you to call me an idiot again so that I can repeat the cycle.

Anyway, I'm changing my major. I'm gonna get in the medical field because there is way more job security in medicine than there is in teaching(which is pretty sad). But I can be a shitty Nurse or Doctor and stay employed way longer than if I'm a bad teacher or better yet, a terrible coach. If you want to coach you get zero margin for error and you'll be pink slipped by Saturday afternoon if you lose on Friday night. But you can kill like 14 people in a hospital and get probation and 2 weeks paid leave while they blame someone else for you killing everyone. It's damn near fool proof. Plus I grew up in a hospital. My dad was on his death bed since I was like 10 and a half. He just always bounced back, like one of those Japanese fighting fish, you'll come home and find them out of the bowl for God knows how long, and scoop them up, throw them back in the water and they'll start doing back flips and shit. That's my dad. But I learned a lot just by default. I could probably pass a college level medical terminology class when I was 13. One time when I was in Iraq with a kidney stone, I had to give myself an IV because this fucking butt hole tried and missed like 17 times. I think it might just be one of those things I have a knack for so I'm gonna pursue it. Maybe one day you'll get real sick and I'll take out your pancreas instead of your appendix and be like "Whoops, see you in 2 weeks homes!"

If you can use Google, you can be a doctor. Mariah will be fine, it just sucks seeing your babies miserable. Also God is always listening, just thought I'd throw that out there. Yesterday a lot of things were going on(not just with my baby girl) and as a man, you want to feel like you have it all under control. The fact is none of us really do. Sometimes you have to humble yourself and ask God to help you out. Not trying to get too religious here or anything, but Jesus died next to a thug on the cross and since he(the Gangster) believed, he got into heaven. So if some of y'all are feeling like complete shit this week or anytime really, don't forget you haven't done anything in your life that God won't forgive you for and take on some of your pain. 

Next one won't be so serious. I just do this like once a week or so. More LOLz to come....later.

If a girl is still wearing a "Dora the Explorer" back pack. She's too young for you bro!

And I know the guy that shot Bin Laden better than you do. He drives a 1993 Cutlass Supreme and has a tight fade. He never puts neosporin on his war wounds either. His grandma is way harder than any of yours.

I swear man, people always have to one up you. You tell them you got a Christmas bonus, and they'll tell you they got a trip to Hawaii instead. Their joke is always funnier before church too. You know why? Because you are trying to show respect and you tell a joke without curse words and they go and drop the F-bomb just before it's time to be seated. And the whole time during the sermon they're staring at you with that look like "you can't top that bitch!". You like your beat down low, they like their beat down lower. Top let back? Oh, he did that before you, homie. And I'll be honest, there are people that love to one up you and do it all the time, but all of us try to one up each other at one time or another in our life. Pretty much everyday I try to one up your facebook status. So now you know!

Jersey Shore is getting pretty terrible now. I knew it had to lose it's magic eventually so I'm not real disappointed. Single Ronnie was pretty funny for like 5 minutes, now I just feel bad for him. Trust me, when dudes are built like him, they get extra sweaty and their breath smells terrible after they get on that sauce for more than about 2 hours. Last night it looked like he came home from the club and started smashing some poultry products that were half cooked and tried to kill the salmonella bacteria with some balsamic vinegar.(but I mean, I used to throw eggs in the microwave with no plate or anything and cook them for 12 seconds when I'd get home from Las Margaritas at like 2:20 am, so I see where he's coming from)...but he's a terrible, sloppy drunk. You'd think Sammi would be turned off by that, but instead she's trying to get between him and his chicken the entire time while he's slobbering balsamic vinegar all over the side of his left cheek like a fucking zombie in the middle of a feeding frenzy the first 10 minutes of the Zombie Apocalypse. 

Disgusting. Also I hate how he pronounces "Snookie" and calls her "Shhnookie". There's no H in there and if there was, it would be silent this particular time. Overall I like Ronnie though. But pretty much I only watch Jersey Shore now to hear Pauly D say funny shit. Also I love watching Vinnie follow Pauly D around like a puppy. Vinnie is such a poser. I remember when he showed up in Miami with a brand new tat(straight out of the front of the tribal arm-band book at the tattoo parlor, he just saw the picture and was like "I gotz to get that one broski!"), so I enjoy watching him be a follower every episode. That's about it. No way they squeeze another year out of this. Give Pauly D his show and let him shine solo. Do the right thing MTV. Doing the right things are always important. 

Have a good weekend. I'm about to take my family to the water park and get pissed on by like 200 people at the same time, and pretty much hate on everyone that walks past me thinking to myself "He's got man-titayyys or his beer gut is like 4 lbs heavier than mine lolz". One of you are reading this saying to yourself "200? I got 300 golden showers just yesterday!" Also, if you want to stay one-upped on the reg, just keep posting on your respective "You know you're from somewhere if you remember doing this shit....???" on facebook. Oh, remember the piggly wiggly? "Yeah bitch! except I remember it better!" 

You never wash your swim trunks and towel after you go swimming. You just hang them up over the shower til the next time. And I do it better!

Uh, Hi! My name is CT and I'm here to kill you!

Just sitting here at the Wal-Marks having some work done on my Impala. I'm actually having some 20 inch blades put on and while they're doing that I'm having my oil filter changed and probably some CD's stolen. Either that or they're laughing at me because I still have CD's in my car. Anyway, I'm just sitting here wondering if the rest of the world is as pissed off as I am that we have to wait another week to see CT murder Johnny Bananas and Tyler in the Jungle. 

QUICK FUN FACT: When Axel Rose wrote "Welcome to the Jungle" back in like 1986, he was smoking sherms and having a vision of CT committing a hate crime on Johnny Bananas and Tyler in the year 2011 in a jungle in South America. It was what truly inspired him to write one of the best rock songs ever written. That's why the beat goes so hard and also why it makes you want to pistol whip your grandma when you listen to it. 

OK, so here goes a quick assessment of the respective teams and predictions for the last 2 episodes of the Real World/Road Rules RIVALS Challenge 2011 aka "The Jungle!"

GIRLS......

Evelyn/Paula: Straight Beasts! Clearly the frontrunners for the females. Won the last 2 challenges for the females etc. I did think Paula was part dude until she bitched up last night and started helping that Leprechaun Wes gang bang Cara Maria. I did LOL when Wes poured the Coke on her, but thought it was a bitch move when Paula jumped in for apparently no reason. It's like when 2 great whites have to attack a wounded dolphin. One shark was more than enough. It's called overkill. Brings me to..........

Cara Maria/Laurel: I thought Paula was part man, I know for a fact Laurel is. I was praying for her to go toe to toe with Wes last night. We have Laurel in one corner at about 6"5" 220 and Wes in the other at like 5"2" 175. It would have been good times. Cara Maria really bores me with her negativity. Always being picked on, "everybody hates me nobody loves me blah blah blah"(read that last sentence to yourself in the Eor from Winnie the Pooh voice). But yeah, I do feel bad for her now. She's been the whipping boy for too long and props to Laurel for finally getting Roid Rage and stepping up for her pardner. I got them ranked just slightly behind Ev and Paula. Mostly because Cara Maria is like 140 lbs of dead weight. 

Jenn/Mandi: I Saw Jenn getting an IV for next weeks episode, so I'm guessing they're done since Mandi is ridiculously terrible. True Story: The first few weeks I was watching the challenge I was just assuming that Mandi was Heidi from "The Hills", then I realized "hey, the hills aren't a real world show and that's def not her." I'm a tard. But in my defense, she certainly does look like Heidi and she's about as useless. I do know that if Jenn asked Adam to marry her right now, he'd leave CT and Kenny/Wes would win by default. If "Da Mob" really wants to make a play, that's what they'd do. 

THE GUYS..........

CT/Adam: My favorite tandem from the jump. True rivals. A lot of these people aren't enemies, but Adam came into the show hating CT like I do Alabama. And I can relate to CT because I guess you could say we both have short fuses and he lost someone really close to him just before he almost killed Adam in the first 5 minutes of a challenge about 3 years ago. When you lose a brother or a best friend, you lose an outlet and a place you can go to vent. A lot of that anger will build up and eventually you just want to start smashing peoples heads. You might even catch yourself opening your car door and walking towards a vehicle at the green light in front of you with a handicapped sticker, trying to kick in their windows because, you know, IT'S A GREEN FUCKING LIGHT and they are still sitting there, not moving. The slightest things can set you off. Well CT seems to be in a happy place now and having a lot of fun intimidating the hell out of the competition. I think I once compared it to "The Lion King" and CT is Mufassa and everyone else are the Hyenas voiced by Whoopi Gholdberg. 

I also hate how MTV always does this cliffhanger shit within the last 3 episodes. Last week they showed CT pretty much gay bashing Tyler and Johnny Bananas, simultaneously. It appeared that both of them are now dead and MTV wants us to wait another week for a confirmation. GOD I hope when we actually do see it, CT will go Alvin Fucking Mack on them, then immediately walk over to Adam and go "Are we friends yet?"

Bananas/Tyler: Straight up Sissies. In London they are called "Tits" or "Wankers". Like seriously, some British dude will be like "You fecking Tit!" whenever addressing them.  Tyler has been a pretty tough gay dude for most of the season and did a lot to show that the stereotype of gay guys being "Girly" wasn't true at all.....until last night. CT scared the gayness back into him. So we get to see a 30 minute rant from Tyler, blaming everyone for sending him into the Jungle with Mufassa. Can't blame him. I know if I was about to die, I'd probably go off on everyone too. Oh and yeah, I really hate Johnny Bananas. 

Leroy/MikeMike: The dark horses. If punk ass Adam(The biggest drug dealer in Nantucket) was still around, Leroy would have been gone in week 2. But since they brought in his friend Mike(pretty unfair considering the show is called "Rivals"), they've quietly wrecked shop, stayed under the radar and won whenever they had to, aka last night. Looks like they are gonna walk unnoticed into the end zone while "Da Mob" keeps pissing their panties over CT. Leroy is a beast and might be the only legit competition for CT if it came down to man vs man. If it comes down to who has the lightest backpack, CT is gonna win. Oh and Leroy is easily the coolest RW cast member ever. Ever. 

Wes/Kenny: Straight up Sissies. In London they are called "Tits" or "Wankers" lolz...I love watching Wes flex on the weak people then bitch up whenever CT is circling the area. Most Gingers possess a certain kind of strength. They are normally very quiet people, basically a ticking time bomb. A sleeping giant if you will. But Wes is not that. He's certainly no giant(but a leprechaun) and he talks way too fucking much. I also hate how he talks just like Owen Wilson, but he has no reason to, because he's never had his nose cut off and reattached. Wes is one of the stronger competitors, but I just can't respect a guy that fears another man so badly. And Kenny is way weaker than Wes. If it comes down to Wes vs CT, Wes will have already lost because it takes about 42 seconds to piss yourself, in the meantime CT will be "Working" him.

I have CT and Adam winning it all.

I never had any FUBU stuff but I did have a cross colors hoodie in like 9-3

And I got a full ride scholly to play wide receiver at DeVry but I hurt my knee playing soccer at the old junior high practice field while I was juking your big cousin Harold. Sometimes I just say irrelevant shit. Often it's untruthful too. I have a mild form of Tourette's Syndrome and I say weird shit just to see how people react. This is to answer some of your questions of "why did he just say that?" So now you know. 

NOW HERE GOES MY BLOG!

Most of you are probably aware that last week was "Shark Week", if you didn't know this then 1.) You obviously don't read my shit and 2.) You're too poor for cable witch is really fucking poor because I know a homeless dude that has Direct TV.  And he has probably the fastest internet connect ever. Ever.

Anyway, what you may not have known was that last week was also "MOB Week" on AMC. It really kind of pisses me off that 2 of my favorite networks(Discovery and AMC) decide to make my 2 favorite things(Sharks and Gangsterism) a weekly special, the same week of the year. Even with DVR this situation can be hard to overcome. We have like 137(not a random number, it's really 137 right now) unwatched movies and shows recorded, if I have to record every Shark Show and Mob movie that comes on during that week, my DVR Box is gonna explode and probably erase a few of my old/classic Saved by the Bell episodes. Well FUCK THAT! Anyway, none of this is important, I'm just complaining. What I'm trying to say is while watching a few of the Mob Movies in between the Shark specials aka "Commercials", it kind of reminded me and made me appreciate a few things about people from NYC and Jersey(Oh and yeah, Jersey Shore came back last week, I swear to God, feast or famine man...all the good shows shoved into last week and now it will be like 2 months before I'm interested in a TV show again besides Football of course)-DIGRESSION- but ok, I said all of that to say this: I love true New Yorkers and New Jerseyumm-uns(I guess). I love the way they talk, how they're passionate about the simplest things(like I am sometimes and I'm not even from New York), most of all I love how they react to questions. I mean, you can ask them a totally legit, viable question with the option of having many good answers, but they'll act like you are asking the dumbest fucking thing ever and there is only one good answer.

EXAMPLE: "Uhh hey Fat Joey, I'm goin to da Subway, do you want me to get you'z a meatball sandwich?" Now at this point "Fat Joey" could say a lot of different things. He could say "No thanks, I'm on a diet"(If he's from San Francisco), or "Naw, I already ate a calzone"(If he's from Chicago), or "I think I'll try that delicious new chicken salad sandwich they've been advertising, yummy! lolz"(If he's a girl) but this is the appropriate response from "Fat Joey" and if "Fat Joey" doesn't answer this way, he's not from NY/NJ and he's certainly not a Mobster...
ME: "Hey Fat Joey, I'm goin to da Subway, do you want me to get you'z a meatball sandwich?"
FAT JOEY:"Do I want you'z to get me a meatball sandwich? What am I gonna do, not let you'z get me a meatball sandwich? Of course I want a meatball sandwich you fuckin mook!" 

                       THEM CHICKEN SALAD SAMMICHES DO GO HARD THOUGH!

It's a simple 3-step process that goes through their mind before answering your question and it applies to everything. Anything you can ask, there's a 99.99999(with a bar over the 9) percent chance the response is gonna happen this way. STEP 1: They repeat your question(just so you can hear how stupid you sounded to them). STEP 2: They act like there is no other reasonable option or alternate answer to your question, and STEP 3: They insult you for asking such a stupid fucking question. It's Money. Like clockwork. It always works out like this and you can even try it if you don't believe me. Go find the most New-Yorkish mother fucker in your office and ask them if they want to go have a drink with you tonight. I can personally guarantee you their answer will be this: "Do I want to go have a drink witchu tonight? What am I gonna do, not go have a drink witchu tonight? Of course I'll go have a drink witchu tonight you fuckin douche-bag!"..... It's always good times.

Another pretty hilarious thing they do is "Tell" you a question. Not ask you a question, but tell you a question. They'll be like "Yo Mikey, you wanna go catch a movie!" and that's it. There is no interrogative intentions whatsoever. They aren't waiting for you to say yes or no, they just told you that you want to go watch a movie with them. Sometimes they'll go one step further and tell you the question and repeat it to themselves just like they do to you when you ask them a dumb question. This is because they just realized that they are asking you a stupid question that only has one answer. "Yo Mikey, you wanna go catch a movie! do you wanna catch a movie, we're going to the fucking movies!"...They pretty much whisper to themselves the middle part(do you wanna catch a movie) because they don't like to call themselves out as much as they like calling you out for asking such a dumb question. Every question is rhetorical with them.

Again, like everything when it comes to stereotypes, there is a tiny margin for error and a chance it won't happen, but more than likely they are gonna talk, ask and answer just like I explained to you. If they don't, then they are lying about being from New York and they only visited there once or twice. I do that shit too sometimes though, like if someone just assumes I'm from Louisiana(which I'm proud of, I just hate when people make assumptions. Only I'm allowed to do that) They'll be like "Oh, I noticed an accent, are you from Louisiana?" and I'm all "No, I'm from California.".............sometimes that will backfire though because they'll be from California too and want to start talking specifics and I can't just say "Umm L.A." or "uhh Anaheim" because they'll start asking what street and shit and then you eventually have to go "Yeah, I'm really from Louisiana. Bitch!" Also it's good times if someone asks you where you're from and you tell them "Antarctica!" It never fails that their reaction will be "WOW, Really? I didn't know anyone lived there?" and you can say "Pfff, yeah, there are a lot of people from there. I had 47 kids in my senior class, but I went to one of the smaller schools." Then you can say "The only bad thing about growing up there is there's not much work after high school, you either have to join the military or work in the ice fields."

So yeah. Try these tricks the next time you run into a New Yorker, a Mobster, or some dickhead that thinks you're ignorant because of your southern accent. Also, if you happen to be living in another state right now and are from Louisiana, always tell them you had to move there because of Katrina(if of course they ask how you ended up living here?) I mean, you don't want to just walk in the gas station and say "Hi, I used to live in Louisiana but I had to leave because of Trina.", then you just look like a retard. But the important thing is that all of us Louisianans have to preserve our stereotypical heritage. We all have pet alligators, we all celebrate Mardi Gras year round, and we all lost our homes during the hurricanes of 2005. Horrrayy for stereotypes!

RECAP: I say random shit. I'm watching NCIS: Los Angeles while I'm posting this and it's very hard to take LL Cool J seriously as a special agent. New Yorkers are awesome. So are stereotypes. The dude in the picture I posted after the "New Yorker telling you you're going to a movie bit", his name is Joey Batt's lolz. Some good gangster names that I can think up off the top of my head and I've never seen them used in the movies are "Joey Knuckles", "Jimmy Diamonds", "Sal Margarito(It's what I used to call Greg Burns and he called me Nino when we would act like Mobsters in Mrs. Kinsingers class our soph year)", "Eddie the Rat" and "Franky Fuhgetaboutit". And if you're from Louisiana, you own an alligator.

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